Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

Cedar, I forgot to mention that your post was spot on. I saw my therapist after school today. I told her about my fears and screaming at night while seeing dark shadows. The main thing she wanted to discuss was my childhood and what I went through and how I felt. She says that she now understands me better.

All of you post such truths and inspiring words. Yes, we are not alone in our journey.

Strange, I have never felt more close to people that I have never met before. Close and safe.

It is sad that we met by going through tortuous ordeals and finding this site. But, once on this site, we met wonderful supportive friends. A strong bond of kindred spirits is formed. Each link is weak...but together our chain is strong.

Thank you.

 

[Copabanana]

Sleep tight, Feeling.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I was going to write that I was 'thawing' out. It fits perfectly. It feels exactly like that. If I am thawing out...I am getting better, right?

In my own imagery, Feeling, is an old Frankenstein movie I saw when I was a little kid. Frankenstein is loose. He helps a little girl. Seeing the monster with the child in his arms, the villagers misunderstand. Coming after him with torches and pitchforks, they chase the monster into a deep, dark, cave.

He is safe, this creature composed of ten thousand mismatched pieces.

He freezes, solid.

Years later, the camera pans to Frankenstein's face.

There are tears, for the pain of the unthawing; Frankenstein's monster chooses life. The tears thaw first. Before the ice thins, there are tears.

That is how it feels to me to come real; how it feels to choose the risk of real over forever falling short of the perfection of a role chosen in the first place so we would not behave as our abusers had. That is where I found the imagery of unthawing. From that spooky old movie I watched more than fifty years ago. I was already damaged of course, when I watched the movie as a little girl. Isn't it an extraordinary thing, for that imagery I saw then to instruct me, now?

This is an important concept, too: Damaged, not defective.

We were always perfect. We've been hurt. Now, we can choose to heal; we can choose kindness, and we can choose to hold ourselves ~ and everybody else, too ~ with compassion. And when we do, we come to trust ourselves, and the need of the role is gone.

It's scary, though.

That's okay. We are very brave, or we would still be choosing the role over real.

That is what I mean, when I say we are meant to do this, that we were always meant to come real. I can see Frankenstein's frozen face, can see the layered ice; can see the tears in the frozen monster's open eyes. I know the imagery is grotesque. I love it so much.

:O)

Here is a quote, for you:

Once, my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue, of fame and of enjoyment. Once, I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities I was capable of unfolding.

Frankenstein's Monster Speaks
Shelly

Taken from: The Jesus Incident, by Frank Herbert/Bill Ransom.

You are definitely getting better, Feeling. This business of reclaiming those frozen energies is frightening and very intense. It helps me to remember that what I feel today is only an echo of what I felt, when the energies were frozen.

I think we were very brave to do that. To freeze overwhelming fear or pain or rage, so we could think and function and respond to whatever terribly hurtful thing was happening. I think of it like this: I froze those energies. I did that. I can choose to thaw them, now.

I spent so much of my life beating myself up because I was not perfect.

Now, I am releasing myself from my own quest for perfection. I am hearing those old negative tapes that were really driving me and they are appalling, hurtful things. But as I come into conscious knowledge of them, and of my own human self, and of how I functioned even believing what I did about myself, I truly do find myself to have been very brave.

How fortunate we are, to have found one another, here.

How very cool is that.





Cedar

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you Cedar. It is recess so I cannot write much.

Beautifully written and excellent imagery. You have greatly cheered me up!

Yes, we are very fortunate to have found each other.

Have a great day!

 

[New Leaf]

Frankenstein, I remember a repetitive childhood nightmare of Frankenstein walking up the wooden stairs of our house, coming to get me, thomp, thomp, thomp, thomp.

I realize now, it was the pounding of my own heartbeat.

My Dad wrestled his whole life long on a quest for perfection. In hospice, on the cusp of death, he shared with the spiritual counselor that he had regretted not being perfect. She relayed that was impossible, nobody is perfect. Imagine going to meet your maker, with such regret.

How wonderful that you Cedar, can relinquish that quest and embrace your perfect imperfection.

I am sorry for my imposing on your conversation, but can't help myself because it strikes a deep chord.

Thank you for allowing me a glimpse into your creative, beautiful intellect.

Cedar, Copa and Feeling-amazing warrior women.

I go now to pack for my trip and leave with my heartfelt gratitude for your cyber friendship, your bravery coupled with intense empathy and unbelievable kindness.

I am imagining myself as the small child in the arms of a thawing, safe, caring Frankenstein. Giving him a big grateful kiss for rescuing me from my misery, not seeing his mismatched, sewn together parts.

But the beauty within.

Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am sorry for my imposing on your conversation, but can't help myself because it strikes a deep chord.

We welcome you, Leafy. With all our hearts.

:O)

This is heartbreaking imagery of your father, clunking up the stairs. It helps me to envision that frightened or so alone little girl that I was. So, for you, that would be lying in bed as a child, hearing Frankenstein clunking, clunking closer. Then, I insert myself as I am, today. I assure her that I am her. That we made it. That, as I am there with her now, I was always there; I was there with her then.

The intensity of feeling evoked is disturbing. Initially, the child I hold in my memory is ashamed to be seen by me. The feelings are so intense. I simply listen, I assure her that I am who she grows up to be. Here is a secret: She thinks I am beautiful.

And she is so ashamed to be herself.

Those are the feelings we encompass with compassion for that frightened, so perfectly beautiful child that was us.

There is poetry regarding my process on the Family of Origins thread, Leafy.

When you are home again, and ready, I will reference it for you.

You will share yours too I hope, as you become comfortable with us. What you will find I think, is that every frightening or shameful image is coming up for you to heal that little girl. As you come through this, you will see, as we have, that these images, these keys to healing, seem as familiar to you as can be.

They have been there all along, waiting for you to decide to cherish yourself.

One of the things we have learned is to see ourselves through our own eyes, and never again through the eyes of those who hurt us. That is a very hard exercise, but so valuable. Each time we review a disturbing incident through the abuser's eyes, we retraumatize ourselves; we seal everything in another layer of ice. For the more difficult things I had learned about myself, I required witness, before i could see the wrongness in whatever it was that happened ~ someone who would know that what was happening to that little girl that I was, was so very wrong. So, I created them: Maya Angelou is my primary witness. Her writings are here to be found; her story is as bad as or worse than our own and she came through it, whole and wonderfully strong.

We are meant to heal, to be whole, to reclaim our selves and have all that amazing, roaring energy we have spent keeping everything frozen for our own; so we can celebrate being alive in our own lives...often, for the first time, ever.

This site is anonymous. It is a safe place to heal. As we heal, we will see and approach our children as the stronger people we've become. We will not respond from brokenness or weakness or disappointment. The kids are scared, too. The kids are disappointed, too.

Challenges all over the place.

So, that is why we decided to reclaim ourselves.

We need to be stronger now than our roles would allow.

So, we are coming real.

It's way better.

Scary, though.

:O)

Cedar

That each of us shares her story, that each of us has witnesses to her pain and her triumph, is why this works, Leafy.

Truly you are most awesomely welcome; each of welcomes and is welcomed.

Finally, for heaven's sake.

roar

 

[New Leaf]

We welcome you, Leafy. With all our hearts.

:O)

This is heartbreaking imagery of your father, clunking up the stairs. It helps me to envision that frightened or so alone little girl that I was. So, for you, that would be lying in bed as a child, hearing Frankenstein clunking, clunking closer. Then, I insert myself as I am, today. I assure her that I am her. That we made it. That, as I am there with her now, I was always there; I was there with her then.

Oh no Cedar, not my Dad, he was a good man, we respectfully feared him, he was quiet, and strong, loving and stern, with a twinkle in his eye. I am so sorry for planting that imagery somehow. I was relating my nightmare to your description of Frankenstein! I think my nightmares were of fear itself. I am an over-thinker, over-feeler, accused of being too sensitive-constantly. Wait-your father? Oh dear Cedar I am so sorry.

I talked about my Dads struggles with perfection in hospice, relating to your striving for it as well. He passed still feeling he missed the mark, but in your post, you have conquered that unattainable goal and accepted yourself for who you are.

The intensity of feeling evoked is disturbing. Initially, the child I hold in my memory is ashamed to be seen by me. The feelings are so intense. I simply listen, I assure her that I am who she grows up to be. Here is a secret: She thinks I am beautiful.

And she is so ashamed to be herself.

Those are the feelings we encompass with compassion for that frightened, so perfectly beautiful child that was us.

There is poetry regarding my process on the Family of Origins thread, Leafy.

When you are home again, and ready, I will reference it for you.

And I will read your poetry.

Thank you so much Cedar you are a gem.

ROAR back at you!
And thank you so much for your welcoming!

 

[Copabanana]

This business of reclaiming those frozen energies is frightening and very intense. It helps me to remember that what I feel today is only an echo of what I felt, when the energies were frozen.

Cedar, your granddaughter speaks for me. How she met her fears bravely. With her bat, with imagery of the little girl with an angel and her prayer. I loved my Mom and my Dad, and my Grandpa and my Grandma, too. And they loved me too, as much as they could.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

We are waiting for you to tell us how you slept and how your day went. We hope all is well.


COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Okay, two things, New Leaf. How are you intruding on our conversations when you are included and bring some of the best words of support? Besides...you signed on the dotted line. Too late to turn back now! Are we decluttering still?

Secondly, longer hair, New Leaf, and now short pixie haircut, ...Leafy! Hmm... Yes, your new look IS sassy. You are changing so fast and becoming so confident, that it is hard to keep up with you, girlfriend!

Afterall, 'sassy' was the word of the day yesterday. Yes, a whole new strong attitude!

But girls, she said that we are all warrior women! Yes...us. Copa in her used Lanz flannel nightgown and fedora, Cedar in her leopard pajamas and cute frizzy hair, and me....wait. I have not described myself much. Hmm...let me think. Okay. I wear too many rings on each hand, floral tops, and jeggings. That is, sadly I fear, quite the opposite of column dressing... My hair is long and layered. My mom used to call it 'dirty dishwater'...such a lovely term. It is 'blonde', with a bit of help.

But, I too am changing. I do not say that I am sorry all of the time. A sad reflex that I am trying to lose. I am also losing the startle reflex, bit by bit. Our children won't even be able to recognize their strong confident moms.

There. Four sassy warrior 'defrosting' women...ready to bravely take on the world. Can't you just picture us???

Yes, warriors! We are women...hear us roar! Watch out Arnold!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Sorry...forgot the report. No problems whatsoever. Went to bed with a bit less lights on, not too late, and no waking up screaming. I knew my warrior friends would have my back!

Roar!

 

[Feeling Sad]

My classroom has air!!! It only took the school district 6 weeks!

Now, I am a cool, defrosting warrior. Will the air make me thaw out more slowly? Hmm...

 

[Feeling Sad]

Okay...New word of the day from a different thread from Leafy, formally known as New Leaf: emboldened. Yes, as warrior women we are 'emboldened' to make wise choices for our new lives.

Yeah!!! I mean...roar!

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

So many good things. How long are your floral tops? I mean to say, do they cover your rear, or longer to the hip or shorter? If they are long, like tunic-type, where are you finding them? I am trying to get a wardrobe together that fits me to go East. Jeggings and leggings, apparently, are good for the cold.

So glad you had a good night, Feeling. It must have been the Chinese Crested Hairless that emboldened you.

COPA

 

[SeekingStrength]

Love this thread! You have a wonderfully loving convo going. Interesting, too!

 

[Feeling Sad]

Yes, clearly it was the image of Chinese Crested Hairless with their cute tongues sticking out that DID embolden me. Roar...or rather yip, yip. I figure that they probably yip more than bark...

Chinese 'Crested' Hairless...Leafy's strong new attitude from a sassy 'pixie'...coincidence? I think not. Strong warriors!

Seeking, we are always looking for more sassy warriors to join in! Sign up today! We promise not to nag, urge, or nudge. We are warriors.

Yes, I waited longer to turn on the lights tonight and fewer. Good trend. I joke a bit more now. I always joke. That is how I stayed strong and got through this. But, at night alone...more jokes, less seriousness. Besides, I would rather laugh than cry, or scream, for that matter.

Cedar, it is scary to thaw. Yes, I too never thought that I was good enough. I have about zero self-concept. People at work always say how patient I am. I never complain. I am nice to everyone. I tell them that I have been beaten into submission. They laugh. They think that I am, of course, joking. Little do they know...

My little girl in me I always viewed as brave. She was strong and faced fear bravely alone. She could count on anyone, but herself. She always tried to help the put-upon, mis-treated, forlorn people of the world. That gives me strength.

My little girl was smart and kept herself alive. She knew what to do to prevent being hurt or killed. Yes, she had to numb out to be able to survive. No emotion. Pure evaluation of the current status. Yes, she never cried. But, she was always vigilant and aware of the ever-changing environment.

She saved my life more than once. My past experiences of horror are thawing out. I have pushed them down so deep, that they were no longer in my conscious memory. That is why they come out in my sleep. That is why I am scared.

Yes, I have little control over someone breaking in and trying to hurt/kill me. I have an alarm system and mace. But, I have zero control over my past true horrific experiences thawing out and coming to the surface.

Is it that I am thawing out and now can view and try to accept my past terrors? Or are my past suppressed memories thawing out? Either way...it is scary. Healthful, yet terrifying.

I feel better some days, but my psychological or physical self, says...uh,uh,uh...and I wake up screaming.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Copa, how are you doing, my dear friend. Are you still finding strength in Chinese Created Hairless doggies? Column dressing?

Copa, I beseech you (former word of the day), are you feeling better tonight?

I buy Cactus and Jess and Jane cotton 3/4 sleeve tops. I find them cheap at local stores, $20, not $35. They are at hips, but very flattering and comfortable. I buy a size larger so that it is loser.

Be thinking of our word of the day for tomorrow. Your turn ...or Cedar's ...or Sassy Leafy's. Is that considered nagging???

 

[Copabanana]

My son called. He said he called the University Clinic and was accepted back.

I went and told M. Do you believe him, I asked? No.

I called my son. Who did you talk to? Helena? No. Marie. When is your appointment?

I don't actually have one. When are you getting your blood work done? Next week. I have to go the City to the dispensary (marijuana) tomorrow. Will you go tomorrow to get blood work, make sure the release is signed and call me from there? Yes.

It turns out all of that was a lie about being kicked out. He said he was depressed, and assumed he was. He asked to come home for his birthday, in a week. I said I had to talk to M.

M said No. My son lies to to each of us to get an advantage. Last time he stayed here we had a small fight. M says he is trying to protect me, and that is why he does not think it the best, that my son visit right now. He says he does not trust my son to be here. Yet.

I called my son and told him. We will celebrate your birthday when we take Grandma's remains to the Pacific.

He was docile.

I told him about the Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) diagnosis. I think he got the connection.

He said can't you understand, it is so simple. Exercise. Diet and controlling stress.

Do you see what I mean, that is how I feel, I told him.

I also told him the next time he feels depressed, go do something constructive to handle it. Don't call me and lie to make me feel horrible.

What in the world is wrong with him to treat me so cruelly?

All in all I feel I did OK. I am glad I am not seeing him on his birthday. I am glad we set that limit. I know I cannot call the shots about his health, but if he is going to tell me lies, I can at least call him on those and use them to my advantage.

I told him about the Liver Foundation, that he might want to visit the site to learn more, that liver disease is a silent killer. He started to say why he was sure he was fine...I stopped him and said: If you were getting regular blood work done to verify your liver enzymes are normal, that might mean something, but failing that, I do not want to hear it.

Is it that I am thawing out and now can view and try to accept my past terrors? Or are my past suppressed memories thawing out? Either way...it is scary. Healthful, yet terrifying.

My guess would be that you are thawing and you can now view and accept your past experiences.

You were necessarily so defended before. Nobody can deal with everything at once.

If I look at events with my son, how could I expect myself to see him like everything is fine, when he jerks me around like this? And I have my own past that haunts me.

My son is not a cruel person but he treats me cruelly. I think he treats me as he treats himself.

I just saw your new post: Where do you find "Cactus and Jess and Jane" tops cheaper? What brand of Jeggings do you buy? I am worried that the Jeggings might be too much because of my age. My legs used to be good, and not problematic. But at 177 pounds, everything is problematic.

Feeling, I know it is hard. It is hard for me too. But we are doing it. Word for the day: Cloying. I have a cloying feeling my son is jerking me around. It does not feel good at all. Is that proper usage?

Thank you, Feeling.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

How cute are those tops. I just looked. I want an Eiffel Tower one. They look tunic length.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Excellent choice for the new word of the day!

Copa, you handled things perfectly, as always. You were strong, firm, and non-waivering.

I am so glad that he was not kicked out.of the clinic.

Maybe he ran away with his fears because he thought that they would kick him out.

I do not think that he is trying to hurt you, consciously..maybe. He is miserable and he wants you to feel miserable, as well. You have shown him a stronger self recently. He was trying to engage you...to dance the dance. To pity him. Or just good old negative reinforcement.

Being firm...He finally told you the truth. I am glad that you told him about you. Was that before or after he told you the truth? He is clearly trying to manipulate you. He obviously doesn't like the new stronger you.

You go, girl. Warrior! Roar!