Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

I am not used to being this petrified.

My youngest son is gone and I was in the back room which is the family room watching t.v. The power went out and it was pitch dark.

It is not windy or hot so it did not add up.

My first thought was that my ill son had turned off the power breaker because it is on the side of the house right by his room. He was coming to get me.

I was frozen in terror.

I tried to find my phone. I knew that my youngest son was clear across town. I did not want to have his crazy mom bother him. His friends do not know about my ill son.

I tried to listen for sounds. There was zero moonlight because of heavy cloud coverage.

Then...The lights went back on.

I didn't know if I should go out to my car and drive somewhere with locked doors.

I took my phone and went across the house to my room and locked the door. Hollow door...it would not stop anyone.

I was thinking that he was playing 'cat and mouse' to scare me.

I got on the phone and called the electric company. It seemed like an eternity. At first she found nothing and then, finally, she mentioned a person called from a street in my tract.

I cannot tell you how shook up I am...I feel like I am going to throw up.

I hate this.

I know that I wrote earlier that my ill son, in his 'right mind', would not want me to be scared. I guess my mind neglected to tell my body.

Or, it is because my son is not in his 'right mind'...

 

[New Leaf]

I am not used to being this petrified.

My youngest son is gone and I was in the back room which is the family room watching t.v. The power went out and it was pitch dark.

It is not windy or hot so it did not add up.

My first thought was that my ill son had turned off the power breaker because it is on the side of the house right by his room. He was coming to get me.

I was frozen in terror.

I tried to find my phone. I knew that my youngest son was clear across town. I did not want to have his crazy mom bother him. His friends do not know about my ill son.

I tried to listen for sounds. There was zero moonlight because of heavy cloud coverage.

Then...The lights went back on.

I didn't know if I should go out to my car and drive somewhere with locked doors.

I took my phone and went across the house to my room and locked the door. Hollow door...it would not stop anyone.

I was thinking that he was playing 'cat and mouse' to scare me.

I got on the phone and called the electric company. It seemed like an eternity. At first she found nothing and then, finally, she mentioned a person called from a street in my tract.

I cannot tell you how shook up I am...I feel like I am going to throw up.

I hate this.

I know that I wrote earlier that my ill son, in his 'right mind', would not want me to be scared. I guess my mind neglected to tell my body.

Or, it is because my son is not in his 'right mind'...

OMG Feeling! How very scary for you! My heart was pounding as I read your entry.

I am glad that it was an outage and not the worst of your imaginings. One cannot blame you for going with your darkest fears.

So-solutions are what we need here. I just bought some battery powered indoor-outdoor motion censor lights. They were reasonably priced. You could place them in strategic areas outside in case of power outage again. A flashlight in every room, or even little battery camping lanterns. Can you have a dog? If not a recording of a big dog barking? Do you have a neighbor you can rely on?

I guess it is like disaster preparedness, if in your minds eye, you have any inkling of a possibility of your son endangering you, then you need to take steps to prepare.

I am so sorry Feeling that you are facing such turmoil.

I think I would have every light on in my house after that one!

((((HUGS!))))

Shaking Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

New Leaf made an excellent point that I had not thought of. By setting a boundary for your ill son you did so for everybody. Past this you should not accept. I will not accept it.

This is beautiful, New Leaf, and beautifully written.

There has to be a way where we do not bear this alone. Too much, already, of misery and fear and isolation...we have borne alone.

Beautiful post, New Leaf. And beautifully apt and correct.

COPA

Thank you very much Copa.

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm so sorry, Feeling Sad. Being overcome by fear tells you just what you've grown to expect and what you've been through.
I'm so glad that you called the power company. I would keep a neighbor's number handy in the cell phone, as well. Our neighbors always call us before they call the power company.
Please take a nice warm bath and try to recoup. Easier said than done. I need to do that for myself.
{{hugs}}

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling, hope you are okay dear friend......



Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy and Terry.

I am still very shook up. Even after working and having parent conferences today, I still feel scared.

I know that I have been told that I have ptsd...in spades.

I grew up with my life being threatened since I was 11. My first husband threatened my life.

My late onset schizophrenic sister's delusions and visual hallucinations caused my father...MY FATHER... to never walk again.

My other ill schizophrenic sister died in the hospital...alone...not knowing that she was dying..not knowing anything...because a drunk driver from across the street had totaled my car 3 days earlier. I was told that I had to go and sign off right then to allow the auto body shop to evaluate it. She died not in touch with reality and alone.

I had to file a restraining order on my first-born son because he tried to kill me and was arguing with his voices about killing me.

I am tired, so very tired. Down to my very core, tired.

I have been caught up for 50 years in feverishly dealing with the constant chaos of schizophrenia.

I can't even put into words my feelings I went through last night. Petrified...doesn't really cover it.

I was surprised myself what I became.

I was able to numb out, to survive, for 50 years. I recently forced myself to stop.

I needed to face reality. I needed to try to heal. I needed to not feel guilty for filing the restraining order. I needed to realize that my youngest son's and my life was in danger. I needed to realize that my ill son was not 'joking', as he had said while laughing nervously, after thrusting a broken bottle toward by throat.

I needed to not have lifelong ptsd like I have been warned by a psychiatrist and numerous therapists.

Now I feel. I FELT last night.

When the power went out, I was not just scared. I reached a whole new...strange...foreign level.

When it went pitch-black, I first thought to myself, I will find my phone to use as a light or to call someone.

But, no. Why, you ask? Because a light would let the possible threat, i.e. MY OWN SON, know where I was in the room...in the house.

I became a hunted animal.

I can't even try to put that horrendous emotion...that basal response into words. I felt hunted by MY OWN SON !!!

I was staying in the total darkness, and completely still, to accomplish two things.

I did not want to give away my location to be rushed upon by a knife, hammer, or a box cutter.

Secondly, I did not move because I needed to take in any incoming sounds from the 'predator'...the rustling of fabric, footsteps, breathing, creaking...

I was in a heightened state to save my life.

For almost my whole life, I have had to be in a heightened state to stay alive.

I did this when I was 11 and listened to my schizophrenic sister talking in her toom about killing me or sneaking up on me with scissors.

I did this on that horrible night to listen and hear my son singing, 'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' and arguing with his voices about killing me.

I was ...and CONTINUE...to be in a heightened state to stay alive.

The difference now is that after the trauma, I cannot numb out anymore. I can no longer blank it out from my memory by numbing out. I can no longer nullify my emotions.

This is not an improvement. This is worse! My health is going down fast. I don't know how much more I can handle.

It is not 'regular' trauma, if there even is such a thing. I am afraid of my own son who I miss. I have been told by many therapists that he could have acted on his delusions or hallucinations without realizing what he was doing.

Also...it is ongoing. The threat is very real and always present.

I cannot right this dichotomous argument in my mind. How can I both love and fear my son? I love him, but I cannot see him. I want to help him, but I must stay away from him. I miss him, but he might KILL me.

Then add to this tortuous mixture the fact that he is not in touch with reality, has voices that constantly tear him down, and is childlike in many ways.

How can I fit this neatly into my mind?

What mother could?

I worry about my son every day.

I love my son every day.

I am in a heightened state every day.

Now, I also am in FEAR of my son every day.

I cannot numb out anymore. I am falling apart.

 

[New Leaf]

For almost my whole life, I have had to be in a heightened state to stay alive.

I did this when I was 11 and listened to my schizophrenic sister talking in her toom about killing me or sneaking up on me with scissors.

I did this on that horrible night to listen and hear my son singing, 'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead' and arguing with his voices about killing me.

I was ...and CONTINUE...to be in a heightened state to stay alive.

Feeling, just reading this exhausts me. I cannot imagine the depths of despair that envelope you. What you have endured and are experiencing now is beyond anything I have ever heard of or felt. Please continue to get help dear friend, it is too, too much for one person to bear.

I had to file a restraining order on my first-born son because he tried to kill me and was arguing with his voices about killing me.

Yes, Feeling-you had to. For your and your sons survival-you had to. And you did.

I cannot right this dichotomous argument in my mind. How can I both love and fear my son? I love him, but I cannot see him. I want to help him, but I must stay away from him. I miss him, but he might KILL me.

Feeling, is it truly a dichotomy? (A division into two exclusive,opposed,or contradictory groups:a dichotomy between thought and action.)
I am not trying to be harsh here, but your son, whom you love, is ill and makes threats to do you bodily harm. Through love, for your other son and your self, you have recognized the fear, and the threat, you have acted out of love to not only protect your home, but also your ill son.

How could he possibly live with himself if he ended up harming you?

Then add to this tortuous mixture the fact that he is not in touch with reality, has voices that constantly tear him down, and is childlike in many ways.

How can I fit this neatly into my mind?

What mother could?

I worry about my son every day.

I love my son every day.

I am in a heightened state every day.

Now, I also am in FEAR of my son every day.

I cannot numb out anymore. I am falling apart.

Dear Feeling, I see it as you falling together. You are brave, and you are strong. You also have PTSD from your history and living in the now. Post and present traumatic stress disorder.

Through all of this, you are made to collect yourself to be able to perform at your job, then after a long day, face parents. This is huge Feeling.

You have lived your whole life with heightened awareness of potential harm to yourself, yet in your writing of it, you still feel more for your oppressors than yourself.

Please Feeling, seek help. This is too much to do alone. You have our support here. But it is not enough.

Feeling, my heart goes out to you. I do worry that I do not have the right things to relay. I have this voice inside of my head that is shouting, "There must be something that can be done to give this woman some peace?" What it is, I do not know. I am sorry Feeling. I wish I could take it all away for you.

You are a fine, wonderful person. You deserve peace.

I am praying for you to find peace.

Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling, I am up late glazing my pottery pieces, listening to the "best of classical music" on youtube.

I have made some strides here on this site, due to posting and reading. I am trying to "unstuck" myself. Stuck in the past of sad memories, stuck in my responses, my patterning. Stuck. Unstuck.

I have read your thread from the beginning. I see the patterning. Unstuck, stuck. Stuck in the awfulness and the awfulizing. It is what you feel Feeling, and it is okay.

Cedar wrote of Chodron, I think her writings apply here.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy. (10)”
― Pema Chödrön

“nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know
…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. but what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. it just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön,

“In Tibetan there’s an interesting word: ye tang che. The ye part means “totally, completely,” and the rest of it means “exhausted.” Altogether, ye tang che means totally tired out. We might say “totally fed up.” It describes an experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope. This is an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope—that there’s somewhere better to be, that there’s someone better to be—we will never relax with where we are or who we are.”
― Pema Chödrön,

“Learning how to be kind to ourselves, learning how to respect ourselves, is important. The reason it’s important is that, fundamentally, when we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn’t just ourselves that we’re discovering. We’re discovering the universe.”
― Pema Chödrön

I like this last quote, because if we are not kind to ourselves, respect ourselves, who else will?

Feeling, do you have some time to be kind to yourself? Do you have time to take care of yourself?

You are so very busy taking care of everyone else. How about going for a massage, or a mani-pedicure? Take a small step to do something nice for you?
A perfume Feeling, that you love?
Going to an art museum? Something relaxing and in the moment? A hobby, something you always wanted to try?

I am not trivializing your pain, but saying there is a need here for joy my friend. It is a part of our human makeup, this need for joy.

Perhaps now is the time dear friend, since you are done with the numbing, to go and seek joy?

Instead of Feeling Sad, Feeling Joy.

Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I hope you are feeling better today friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Leafy.

Yes, I am strong and I am able to bounce back pretty well. I am still jumpy, but better.

It was just very scary the other night. I was amazed at what level of acute awareness it took me to when the room turned black. I just went into survival mode.

I have studied complex PTSD in books, readings, and have discussed it in therapy. It will never completely go away , but I can get better.

Yes, living with people who are mentally ill and have threatened your life repeatedly gives you this condition. It is a defense mechanism to survive. I survived...and survived...and survived...too many times to remember.

I am a survivor. Sadly, my childhood taught me how to be hopeless, helpless, and how to be a victim. We are discussing my past in therapy. I am making strides, well maybe more like...baby steps.

By removing the threat with the restraining order and trying to get myself safe by the alarm system, I am on the road to getting better. Because it is still an ongoing threat, it is much more difficult. I have been told that I am still in danger repeatedly.

The night of darkness was a bump in that road. A very scary bump....or rather a very scary deep dark ravine that I plunged uncontrollably down into the depths...

If I did not possess that heightened state...I would probably be dead today. It has served me well. It has saved my life many times. I knew when to listen. I knew how to watch for signs. I knew when to run. I knew when to stand very still.

The one thing I learned as a child is that I have to count on myself. No one else would help me. I am strong.

I can't be upset about something that perhaps saved my life. I cannot be mad at my schizophrenic sisters or my son. It is not their fault.

I will still see terrorizing experiences...past, present, and future. But, hopefully I will be able to feel safer when I remember past traumas and not feel them quite as strongly. I will, hopefully, be able to feel safer in future threatening experiences.

I will continue to look for and hold onto the beauty and good experiences in life...and savor them wholly.

I will endeavor to heal myself, forgive myself, and love myself for being strong and doing the best I could given very dangerous situations that were out if my control. I can grieve for my lost childhood. I can mourn the lost years of peace and safety.

I will look for joy, my dear friend. Thank you.

 

[New Leaf]

You are so brave Feeling. Of course that was a scary thing, to be alone in the house at night and have the house go dark, that would startle anyone. For you, my goodness Feeling, how incredibly frightening.

And here I am speaking of joy. Forgive me Feeling, for I have again gone too far. Who am I to even write of that? We are all here processing, sifting through the sands of our lives. Each individuals with our own histories, each with our own hearts, emotions and minds and unique experiences.

I will endeavor to heal myself, forgive myself, and love myself for being strong and doing the best I could given very dangerous situations that were out if my control. I can grieve for my lost childhood. I can mourn the lost years of peace and safety.

Yes Feeling. You have been through so much and are a wonderful person. You have accomplished much in your lifetime, and here, in this very short time I have known you through these pages. Feel what you need to feel, it is your process.

You be you Feeling, and feel what you feel.

I will be here rooting for you.


Regretful Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you! I LOVE that song. There is no need to feel regretful, my friend.

Thank you.

ROAR

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you Feeling for your kindness and compassion and for your incredible, amazing, resilience.

I am stuck now, really, physically stuck!

Stuck at home because my car won't start.
It is on the charger, hopefully just the battery. When it rains, it .

I wish I had a charger for my battery!

Oh, well, this too, shall pass.

Have a wonderful day. One day at a time.......

Leafy

 

[TerryJ2]

Feeling Sad, I love what New Leaf wrote about how it is not a dichotomy to both love and fear your son.
I think most of us can identify with those emotions. We are always conflicted. We want to hug our babies.
But our babies aren't there any more.
I can't tell you how often I've looked at my son and thought about the movie(s) "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." It's terrifying. When he opens his mouth, who will he be?
It's heartbreaking. Parents shouldn't have to live like this. But we do. And we are here for one another.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Terry, you are right. It is horrible for parents to go through this. Our children are so different from when they were little.

I totally agree with that comparison to the "Body Snatchers". They act alien, strange, and we never know what will happen next.

Then there is the scary...to have to realize that my son tried to kill me and could have that night...or in the future. That is the foreign, hard to accept, difficult to understand 'piece'. My mother heart will not accept this piece.

Yes, it is true, but I do not want to believe it. I never thought that it could ever get worse...and then..I am faced with that 'reality'.

Leafy, you said the perfect thing...to find joy. You were 'spot on'. My therapist gave me homework to think of 5 positive things for 5 minutes each day. She wants me to find the good in my life...the 'joy'. It is your mistreatment in your childhood that is making you feel that you need to apologize. I do the same...

Terry and Leafy, you both helped me to calm down and feel better. I have never met either of you, nor could you call the police to come and 'save' me. But, reaching out to me to give me kind words of support was so wonderful of you both. Just reading your words, I felt safer. Someone out there knows and cares.

Thank you. You are both going through troubles of your own. I appreciate your kindness in reaching out to me in my time of need.

 

[New Leaf]

I can't tell you how often I've looked at my son and thought about the movie(s) "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." It's terrifying. When he opens his mouth, who will he be?
It's heartbreaking. Parents shouldn't have to live like this. But we do. And we are here for one another

I have often thought this myself. My two are not a shadow of the children I knew. My hubs likes to watch the zombie show. I cant stand it. So much yuck and violence. We have a large homeless problem here, some are living on the streets due to unfortunate circumstances. Others are living in the drug world, and are easily identified by their "uniform", hoodies and baseball caps, sunglasses, blank look on their face. Zombie like.
I never imagined this would be the look of my eldest, and her friends. You can tell when someone has "been around the block", and this is the sort of people my daughter started bringing to our home. This put our household in danger. I am not one to judge a book by its cover, but some folks you just take one look at them, and you know they are living hard. I sometimes see homeless women walking on the road that are about my daughters size, and wonder if that is her. All I can do is pray that she wake up from this nightmare. I have no control over her choices. It is dangerous for her to live with us, dangerous for us and the security of our home. My other G-F-G has three children. Poor dears, they have been through so much. All I can do is pray for all of them. It is a mess.

I am very grateful to have found this site. The hubs does not talk much, he is more of a doer. He does not want to talk things over, "What good will it do?" he says.

So, here I am.

Leafy, you said the perfect thing...to find joy. You were 'spot on'. My therapist gave me homework to think of 5 positive things for 5 minutes each day. She wants me to find the good in my life...the 'joy'. It is your mistreatment in your childhood that is making you feel that you need to apologize. I do the same...

Thank you Feeling, for that. I truly wrote it out of deep concern for you. I do know how it feels, to hit the ground with the intensity of it all, then stay there because it is safer to stay down, then get up and fall again. Thinking about it, and your situation, this is one of the few safe places, besides your therapist and your good friend, where you can vent and let it all out. And yes, I am an over apologizer, I guess I am still fraught with self doubt, and do worry if I have offended folks with my spontaneous goofiness.

I am glad that you are able to express yourself, it is so important for healing to be able to share your story and have folks understand.

Terry, you have been through so much as well. Having grandchildren come into the world under these circumstances is heart wrenching. I admire your strength, and your presence of mind. Very important qualities to be able to persevere.
I am readying myself, just in case I get that phone call. The one where our grandchildren are dangled in front of us, "Can we come home?" I shall have to say, "You need to go to a shelter."
The many, many times they have come home have not worked for them, or for us.
Stay strong Terry!
Life is too short for us, and our adult children need to learn from the consequences their choices lead them to.
We will not be around forever to rescue them.

I have never met either of you, nor could you call the police to come and 'save' me. But, reaching out to me to give me kind words of support was so wonderful of you both. Just reading your words, I felt safer. Someone out there knows and cares.

Feeling, I know from what I have read that you are a wonderful person who has been through so much. I hope that you are able to fortify your home so that you may feel safe.

Thank you. You are both going through troubles of your own. I appreciate your kindness in reaching out to me in my time of need.

It has been a great pleasure to know you and other battle weary parents through these posts. You have been most wonderful in offering me support and fortification, Feeling. Thank you for responding to my posts, and going beyond that, to gift me with your friendship.

I hope that what little I have to offer does a fraction of what I have gained through landing in this "soft" place.

I am continually amazed at the love and kindness that transpires through cyber space.

Oh, by the way, I am that friend who will spontaneously, shamelessly, break out into song at the oddest times.

That's just me, being me.


Lucky for you folks there is youtube music!

Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, a.k.a. Sassy Leafy, I was entering on the other thread that Copa started atthe same time...

Kindred spirits...no sister warriors!

Thank you. I played your other song during recess in my ckassroom...it cheered me up.

Terry, I would like to extend an invitation to be a fellow warrior. No application process required. You have already been approved. You just have to be a parent of a troubled child and enjoy roaring...

Leafy, Copa, or Cedar to second the motion...just ROAR.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Terry, we really are quite 'normal'...or as normal as we can be going through what we are all going through.

Warrior tunics optional.

Take care.

 

[New Leaf]

ROAR times infinity

 

[Feeling Sad]

Terry...you're in!!!

You may start shopping for your optional tunic tomorrow...