Grettings. I am still slowly feeling better and will return to work tomorrow.
I think that I might have had food poisoning from a buffet as opposed to the flu. The point being that I did not ache or have a runny nose. I was violently ill.
I have been pre diabetic since before the incident with my son. I had lost about 45 pounds. I had walked everyday and watched what I ate.
The pre diabetes began when I was under such stress brought on by my brother by his stealing estate funds of my mother's and some trust funds of my father's. We were coexecutors and I was in trouble because of his misdeeds behind my back. He actually lied to me repeatedly. Five attorneys, 3 years of court, $100,000 in attorney fees, and losing an additional $200,000 when we were done!
From the start, I felt stressed and sick. I could not sleep. I was being perceived as the bad guy.
I decided to give up all refined sugar, which meant...my favorite...desserts.
Then, 2 years later, my doctor informed me that I was prediabetic for the first time in my life. I knew that it was the stress. The stress was literally killing me. Stress produces cortisol which in turn causes your belly fat to increase and insulin not to be utilized effectively.
But, about a year ago, I worked very diligently. I ate just chicken or fish. I ate brown rice. I rarely ate bread. I had beef only once or twice a month. I walked every single day at least 30 to 40 minutes. It has been 5 years without ANY desserts!!!
Then 2 months before my son had to be removed from our house, I fell. One night I was walking. I heard someone say 'hello' and turned. They were on a cell phone, so I kept on walking. I tripped over a raised sidewalk from a tree root and fell hard. I did not break anything, but I could not walk for 2 months by doctor's orders. I had major contusions.
My blood was checked one week before my son's removal. I talked to the doctor about how to deal with my son. My numbers went up. It was still prediabetic, but going closer to diabetes. Was it not walking for 2 months? Or was it the increasing fear and thus, stress, brought on by my ill son?
When I was sick, I could not hold any fluid down for a day. I was sick over 30 times. The room was spinning.
I think that the intense food poisoning caused by blood sugars to be greatly affected and I was seriosly dehydrated.
Two days later, I again had sensation of the room spinning. A week or 2 before my illness, I wrote about the room spinning.
I have come to the realization that I either have much worse pre diabetes or actual diabetes.
I had a benign brain tumor removed in 2007. This caused simple partial seizures in the form of losing feeling on my right sight while staying awake for about 5 or 10 minutes. Last year, I woke up with a numb hand. This is not unusual for me. But, it was on the other side! I have diabetic neuropathy in my hands and feet. You can have this with just prediabetes. I ignored the start of it because I was very used to numb.
I need to seriously address my stress level. I worry about my son and how he is doing. I worry about if I will ever see him again. But, it goes beyond that daily stress.
Specifically, the stress brought on by my extreme fear. I fear that my son will return and kill me. Or, even worse...kill my youngest son. That level of stress I would not wish on anyone. It is surreal and I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone.
I am seeing a therapist to deal with my ptsd. I did not walk for 4 months after the incident because my severe therapist had told me that it was too dangerous. I have started to walk about a month ago.
My alarm system and mace are a constant reminder. I have been told to be vigilant. But, it is killing me. It is a skin crawly sensation. I just keep pumping that fight or flight cortisol into my veins.
That night the power went out, I felt sick and 'on edge' for days.
I stopped my beloved coffee since I was ill this week. My reasons are twofold. It can cause your sugar to spike after meals.
But, the foremost reason was...stress.
During my whole Summer, I gave up coffee. It made me too tense. I had a very good reason to be tense, but it intensified my jittery nervous feeling and startle reflex. When I returned to school with the added stress of working with challenging students everyday...yes, you guessed it. I started drinking my beloved coffee again with of course sugar substrate and low fat milk... But, I am sadly off again.
I have to beat this thing. I want to get my numbers down without medicine. I am in for a big battle. How much control do I have over my ptsd right now???
I am thinking more positively the last few months...but then my ptsd rears it's ugly head!
I actually have been told that my son could be capable of killing me and not realizing what he is doing because of his command hallucinations. Then there is TCO, or threat control override. That is when their voices compel them and they then do not think about the police. Most schizophrenic individuals never harm others. But when they are not in treatment and are having constant command hallucinations, they could.
I have tried deep breathing, nature, music, visualizations, therapy, and this site.
I feel my health slipping away and, just like my son's schizophrenia, I have little control over it.
I will not give up, but I cannot control my dreams, flashbacks, power outages, or alarm system errors.
Just this week, my son thought I had gone to work on Friday and set the highest level alarm on, like he always does when he leaves. It is set to go off if someone walks down the hallway to my room. Sick and drowsy ...I crossed the threshold and the alarm started. I was scared to death! My son was here to kill me...
I feel petrified a lot of the day...every day. At work, my mind is blessedly on other things. But, when I come home I feel sad and scared.
I am trying, ladies, honestly I am. I do not feel much like a warrior these days.
