Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[New Leaf]

Beautiful. Thank you, Tropical Leaf!

Your'e welcome little bird.
Your guardian owl is outside,
watching over you, I feel her.
Sleep well and rest up.
You are protected.
You will be fine.
leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

My alarm system and mace are a constant reminder. I have been told to be vigilant. But, it is killing me. It is a skin crawly sensation. I just keep pumping that fight or flight cortisol into my veins.

We can become afraid of the fear, afraid of what it's doing to us, compounding what it's doing to us. Here is the Litany Against Fear.

I am trying, ladies, honestly I am. I do not feel much like a warrior these days.

Courage: Bravery, valor, bravado. Referring to qualities of spirit and conduct. Old French: corage. "Heart, innermost feelings, temper." Latin: cor. "Heart. A common metaphor for inner strength.

So, there have been times when I was afraid of something I had not caused and could not confront. "For him, I would do this." "For her, I would do this." That is how I got through those nights. I had taken every action I knew to protect us. I am still afraid like that sometimes, because of where my kids have been, and because of who might know where we live, and because D H is not always there and now, he is not strong, anymore.

We have only two choices: Stand, or run. You can change that choice at any time Feeling, if you move. Just move away. Sell the house. If you choose to stay, then I think it will help you to think of confronting the fear accruing from your decision to stay.

This puts you back in some measure of control, back into having made a choice. That is where courage is. A small place to stand. You are choosing, Feeling.

You are.

Nothing to do with your son.

You cannot control what he might do.

You can only have influence over your realm of influence. Stay, or go. If you stay, you will need to be brave, and prepared.

Your choice.

You are overwhelmed now I think Feeling because you are running in place. It's like you are on a treadmill going nowhere and you are running so hard but you are still in the dark place and your lungs are bursting and you cannot do this much longer.

So, you need to stop.

What you are doing is not working.

What else can you do.

"Nothing" is not an option. Doing nothing has its consequences, too. Doing nothing is a choice, too.

If you have decided not to leave this house, then the only thing you can do is stop running in place.

If this is your line in the sand Feeling, then defend it.

Or, leave that house. For this time, you could live elsewhere. For six weeks, you could do it and then, revisit the situation at home. What I think you cannot do Feeling, is what you are doing. What are your options? We can think them through with you here. We can share our stories, can share how we came or are coming through it.

It is best to face it head on.

Could we begin with why you are still living in your home when you are so frightened, there?

Would it be possible for you to plan a vacation soon? Somewhere warm and far away where you can experience peace for a time, and sleep in safety for a time, and gather your forces and see all this from a changed perspective?

What we live with Feeling is horrific. Normal measures will not help us, and those who have not been through it will not understand us. Believing things are going to work out is not helpful once we have tasted that taste of nothing working out and everything impossibly worse than imagined.

I see you coming through very well, Feeling. You have moved just the tiniest bit forward from guilt and responsibility and terror. You can see now that maybe this time out of his room will help your son stabilize.

That is so huge, Feeling. That you can see that.

Nothing about any of this comes naturally. We are living unnatural situations.
The fear is desperately real. There is every reason to be afraid and no matter how we try to look at it or how brave we are when the sun is out, night is coming. And that so sucks because it is your own child and you love and you fear and there are ten thousand flashing colors and how do you rest with those flashing lights and those horrible memories and the fear of what is.

You have to be strong, Feeling.

There is no other way.

This is a really bad thing, what is happening to you, and to your family. You can't hang something pretty ~ a belief system, a peaceful mantra, none of that ~ over it and survive it.

But you can decide to see and feel and taste and face and survive it. You can gather your tool box. Which are the things that help you to stabilize in the face of the fear? If you don't know, then you must look for them. Keep them in your imaginary tool box. Just that thought: Toolbox will make a point of silence from which you can stand up. Shakily maybe, but I am always just so freaking happy to be upright that a little shaking is just a little shaking and nothing more.

Because I see you moving Feeling, I know you will come through this. I see:

You have seen that your son is surviving out there, somehow. Score another tiny point for the mom, who can allow herself to breathe more fully knowing her child lives.

You are naming the fear Feeling, putting boundaries around what it is and what it is not. Knowing what you are afraid of, even if most of the fear is still some amorphous dark or bright thing, will enable you to recognize and name it and pin it down, when it overwhelms you. Cortisol is a name of a thing that is real. Find the fear attending that name and chase it down. Use the Litany Against Fear. It came from a Science Fiction book. If you are like me Feeling, you will take what comfort there is wherever it comes from and be so grateful for that space of a breath when the fear was a manageable thing.

"For this relief, much thanks
Tis bitter cold, and I am sick at heart."

That's from Hamlet. It's one of my favorite quotes.

Find imagery of courage, Feeling. Here is mine:

It's from the movie Braveheart. To me, it is the imagery of a decision to stand.

There is nothing else you can do.

Run or stay.

Name the FOG when you are in it. Understand it will crest and flow away, crest and flow away.

We are here, Feeling.

You are moving through this beautifully. Nothing happens in a day. It takes time, and it takes intent and courage, to come through this.

You have all those things.

Plus, you have found the site, and we get it.

You are coming through just fine, Feeling.

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

How did work go today?

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

If you choose to stay, then I think it will help you to think of confronting the fear accruing from your decision to stay.

I think this is true. This is a way of taking control of a situation where there is nothing good about it. Except, I chose this. This is what I want to do. This is my path.

You have already done it with the decision that your son leave. Now it is time to decide to stay in your house or not.

This puts you back in some measure of control, back into having made a choice. That is where courage is. A small place to stand. You are choosing, Feeling.

Yes. Choosing is hard. Because choosing means owning it. Regardless of the consequences. To us or to people we love. It is taking responsibility, not being forced or cornered. There is no way out from the consequences, until you choose something else, which is always an option.

I am thinking about my sister here. She is decisive. I am indecisive. But the thing with her is she always has somebody to blame. I do not.

I had the hardest time with my son. Finally deciding to kick him out over 4 years ago. The deciding took a long long time. Then one day the decision was made in a ride home from work. I just locked the door. That was it. He spent the night pounding on the windows. The day hanging around the house. The next day I drove him to the shelter.

I have only relented for a total of a couple of weeks in those 4 years.

If you have decided not to leave this house, then the only thing you can do is stop running in place.

Running in place is something we can do when we are young. I ran in place for years and years with my analysis and psychoanalyst. I could not leave. I hated staying. I paid a huge price. Monetarily and otherwise. I count that as my first and second marriages. And I paid dearly to leave. I believe I could not leave because I felt guilty for being stronger than he was. I felt he was weak. While his whole world believed him to be a shining star.

I never before thought of this, but that is maybe the dynamic with my sister.

When we are older when we run in place we are running against the clock: our bodies and our spirits and futures. Are limited.

What I think you cannot do Feeling, is what you are doing.

It is too hurtful to you. First, you deserve to own what you did. While you may have felt cornered, you chose. It was brave and it was honorable. Second, you are wearing yourself out.

There is nothing else you can do.

Run or stay.

Or continue running in place and get further and further worn out and sick.

Is this what you feel you deserve, Feeling?

Look at it. What would make you deserve such a thing?

I hope you check in tonight, Feeling.

I hope you had a good day at school.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Amen, I agree.
It is a hard thing to think on, in the state of mind you are in, little bird.
In reading your posts to others, before you took ill, you got to a stronger place.
You will get there again, this I know.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
You will regain your warrior stance.
You will decide what works for you.
And we will be standing with you.

Hope you are better today Feeling.
You deserve peace.
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Feeling we haven't heard from you lately. I hope all is well. Please check in.
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

I hope you check in soon.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

Greetings. I am sorry that it has been so long. I have been overwhelmed with work, health issues, and my middle son is still profoundly depressed up North..

Thank you so much for your encouraging words.

Cedar, your post helped me a lot. Leafy and Copa, I have read yours several times, as well. It helps to know that I am not alone. It helps to visualize myself getting through this. I feel that I will. I just don't know what shape I will be in, when I do finally get through.

It feels like I will never be 'through'. I just plod along, sad and listless. I still am animated at work, for my students. But, my heart is aching.

I am feeling less guilty about having to file a restraining order. On the NAMI site under 'preventing violence', they mention staying safe and filing an order. They also speak about if you are hurt or killed, that you will not be around to help your child. They speak of involving the police, which I did and setting up consequences for violence, which I tried to do.

I realize that I was very afraid. They mention fear as a reason to not have them live with you. If violence does not have consequences...it will escalate. Also, it will escalate, even with consequences in place.

They speak of delusions and hallucinations commanding to kill as reasons to seek professional help.

I tried. My rightful fear and my feelings of helplessness from when I went through this as a child with my schizophrenic sister, caused me to change my life to fit his violent behavior. I lived in fear.

I cannot move from this house. It would cause more stress to pack and sell my house after living here over 30 years.

I understand that it was brought up to convey a choice.

Yes, I am afraid that my son could kill me. It is the fact, that it is my SON that is the hardest to bear. But, I am profoundly sad thinking that I will never see him again. I would never move. I would definitely never see him again if I moved. Yes, I would be safer. But, at what cost?

I have, I hope, some good news. Yes, I still have hope. I received a message on my land line about a prescription being filled at Walmart. My youngest son or I never had one filled at Walmart. My ill son must have. Now, it could be for something benign like a sore throat. But...perhaps...it is for his schizophrenia. The shelter is very proactive and you must get help to use the facilities or showers.

I am hanging onto this bit...no this HUGE chunk of hope.

God's Peace, fellow warriors. I hope that you are all doing well.

 

[Copabanana]

Feeling, I am so glad you checked in.

This is huge:

I have, I hope, some good news. Yes, I still have hope. I received a message on my land line about a prescription being filled at Walmart.

Even if it is for cough syrup it is good news.

Because it indicates treatment compliance and/or self-care. He went to a physician. He entered the store and submitted the prescription. He picked it up. Do you know the store? Is it close to you?

I find this so encouraging. It is these small things that make change.

I am very discouraged about my own son. It is hard for me to hold onto the small steps. We will try.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have not read for awhile. What is going on with your son?

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Feeling,

I am up too late. I hope you have gone to sleep.

I had been so hopeful that he was less preoccupied with his conspiracy theories.

I called him Friday about Thanksgiving. The call lasted 2 minutes. He started in about Syria and how Paris was a false flag event. To him 9/11 was a false flag event too, designed to take away our freedoms and to enact martial law.

He is free to believe what he wants, but he is so fixated on it. I feel it is a fixed delusion when he is so inflexible and adamant.

It feels as if he is controlling and dominating, and I focus on that. But it is what it means that scares me so bad.

I want to have hope that he will get better, mature, progress. Delusions are very very hard to treat because the belief system is so circular and insulated.

I get so alarmed I tell him I do not want to talk about it. He insists. It is a power struggle. He ended: I'll talk to you next year.

I know I am supposed to stay quiet but I get so afraid.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I have, I hope, some good news. Yes, I still have hope. I received a message on my land line about a prescription being filled at Walmart. My youngest son or I never had one filled at Walmart. My ill son must have. Now, it could be for something benign like a sore throat. But...perhaps...it is for his schizophrenia. The shelter is very proactive and you must get help to use the facilities or showers.

I am hanging onto this bit...no this HUGE chunk of hope.

God's Peace, fellow warriors. I hope that you are all doing well.

A sign, Little Bird. There is always hope. Let your middle son know, and let him know his life has value and he must persevere on. I hope he gets help with his depression. I truly do believe, the stronger you get in all of this, that he will begin to feel better himself, emboldened by your courage, and your choice to live a full life. By your actions to do so, you show your middle son, that he can do this, too.

Take courage Feeling. Move across the mountain, zig-zagging your way across, it is not so steep and seemingly insurmountable. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Thank you for posting, I am relieved to see your writing.

leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

I know that it is extremely difficult to ignore delusions.

You are correct. You should never try to argue about their delusions. They are just that...delusions. They are deluded in their thought processes. It makes them fight stronger for their belief. They become very agitated and alienated.

Imagine if it was Tuesday, and someone was trying to convince you that it was Wednesday. Could you be swayed? It is that strong. It feels true to them. It is 'fact' to them.

You appear deluded to him. He is trying to convince you of his 'truth'.

Set up rules of what is and what is not allowed in your conversations. Stay structured and firm. Never agree with a delusion. You may just say that you do not see it that way...and DROP it...immediately.

My schizophrenic sister, who was very bright, had a long running delusion that she had given birth to octuplets and my mother had taken them away. She was 20 and was still living at home. Easy to argue, right? Where are your stretch marks? You would have showed. You would have gained weight. It takes 9 months. Why would mom take them? Where are they now? What is the liklihood that you would have octuplets? Who is the father?

I tried, believe me. I was going to 'root' out this falsehood and then my sister would be better.

She also believed that one of her legs was made out of wood. I was off to the races again...

It does NO good. Do not discuss it ever. You cannot alter his beliefs. In fact, the inverse is true.

You will only serve to make his delusions stronger.

 

[Tanya M]

It feels like I will never be 'through'. I just plod along, sad and listless. I still am animated at work, for my students. But, my heart is aching.

It takes time my friend. You are doing the best you can and that is huge. I also think that as mothers, as long as we still have a breath of life in our bodies we will always on some level have an ache in our hearts for our misguided adult children. The pain does lessen with time, it really does.

I am feeling less guilty about having to file a restraining order. On the NAMI site under 'preventing violence', they mention staying safe and filing an order. They also speak about if you are hurt or killed, that you will not be around to help your child. They speak of involving the police, which I did and setting up consequences for violence, which I tried to do.

You are doing so good!! You are doing what you need to in order to be safe. You are learning and you are applying that new found knowledge in appropriate ways.
((HUGS)) to you................

I get so alarmed I tell him I do not want to talk about it. He insists. It is a power struggle.

Copa, my son also thinks there is some big conspiracy. He can go on and on and I have learned to just let him ramble. When he asks what I think I usually say something like "that's very interesting". I do not try and engage in conversation about. Just like you said, it's a power struggle. If I try to share my feelings, which are usually opposite to his, he becomes enraged and goes off on me with the whole "how naïve and stupid I am". This is why I remain as neutral as possible.
((HGUS)) to you.................

 

[Feeling Sad]

Thank you, Tanya. It makes me feel better that you think that I am making progress. Yes, seeing my actions in print on the NAMI site makes me feel less guilty. I did that same things that they recommend to prevent violence.

I feel like I am making gains. Slow, yet steady, progress.

You are correct. As long as my mother's heart beats, I will ache for him.

I feel stronger knowing that he filled a prescription. I am going to hold tightly onto that news.

My youngest son came home. When I was speaking to him, he told me to be quiet. He thought that he had heard knocking. Seeing his face as he searched with his flashlight room by room, reminds me of what he is going through...

It is now midnight in CA. I wanted to wish everyone Happy Thanksgiving and send a special prayer out to our loved ones who are not with us on this holiday. It is much more difficult during the holidays...are they warm?...safe? ...eating?...scared?... The list goes on. May our children be safe and fed. May they feel our love and hope in their hearts. May we be thankful for all of our blessings.

God's peace, my dear friends.

 

[Copabanana]

It is now midnight in CA. I wanted to wish everyone Happy Thanksgiving and send a special prayer out to our loved ones who are not with us on this holiday.

I have been thinking about you. I am glad you checked in.

I am glad your middle son is with you.

I send a prayer that your son is safe. Have a good few days, Feeling.

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

No, my youngest son came home from seeing his friends.

My middle son is staying up North to study for his classes. He is struggling because he is finding it difficult to concentrate because of his depression since the restraining order was served. He did not want me to visit right now. He is feeling over-whelmed. He will see me in December.

Have a great turkey day.

 

[Copabanana]

My middle son is staying up North to study for his classes. He is struggling because he is finding it difficult to concentrate because of his depression.

Your middle son may not want to see somebody for his depression. I can understand that. But will he consider anti-depressants? I have had a good response to the one I am on now. Or maybe it is because I am no longer depressed.

Feeling, did I tell you about the book Cedar recommended to me: Walking Your Blues Away. I bought it. But it is not here now. I am reading Guilt, Shame and Anxiety. By Peter Briggins. Fascinating. By a very nice man and brilliant one who does not believe in psychiatric medications. Even for Schizophrenia.

Your son has to consider something. I know I have detached with my own son. But I have not done so with yours.

Happy Thanksgiving. Are you cooking?

COPA

 

[Feeling Sad]

I have told him to seek therapy and or medication. He feels embarrassed . I cannot force him.

I have been very positive to him about my ill son being out there. I have told him that he will get help, when he couldn't at home. He thinks that even though I am sad, it doesn't mean that the resteaining order was the wrong thing to do.

He is a biologist. He knows very well the ramifications of schizophrenia. He was planning on taking care of his brother.

Since they had a falling out, my ill son hates him.

My ill son had repeatedly turned off the Internet that traveled through his room, while my middle son was taking a test online. My middle son kicked his locked door in to get him to restart it to not fail his test. Then my ill son, a few days later, kicked his door in.

After this, my ill son would yell and smash things if he came near. He was staying home to protect me. He finally went away to college because he felt that it would be less violent for me. But, he still worried that my ill son would kill me.

He feels very badly about my ill son being homeless. He feels like he will get hurt and that he will never see him again.

I was not going to tell him. But, I felt that he needed to be kept abreast of the truth.

 

[InsaneCdn]

seek therapy and or medication. He feels embarrassed . I cannot force him

He doesn't need to even tell the booking nurse what he thinks the problem is - even if he's right. Most colleges have an on-campus clinic familiar with all the things young adults deal with. Your son is having trouble coping with some issues in the family, and needs someone to talk to. It's the truth - the whole truth. If that person recommends medications, fine. But the person he talks to is the only one that has to know what he is dealing with.