Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, I just read your post. It brought tears to my eyes. You always write so eloquently.

I am very proud to call you my friend. You are always there for me. I feel very close to you...even through cyber space. Yes, we are warrior sisters.

You are very brave and strong. We will get through these trying times.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, it sounds like you are slowly healing. I am glad. You have been through so much.

Going through this has changed me. I feel more anxious and yet life is more special to me.

I am also getting paperwork in order and sorting. My brother had a Capuchin monkey growing up. I found that he had saved 3 of the outfits that I had sewed for him... Yes, I too am thinking back to fond memories.

I want to thin out my things, or at least, stop buying items. Being bored and lonely, I shop. It is a very bad habit. Ah...that quick rush you get with a good deal and then you are left with the item forever or, at least until your loved ones sort through your things.

Okay, I do sound a bit maudlin.

I don't like to shop as much as I used to. I still have boxes of my mom's and dad's things, although I donated a lot. I have my ill son's things, as well as, my middle son's things because he is between places. Now, I have my brothers' belongings. My house looks like a big garage sale. It is depressing and over-whelming.

I want to make it easier for my sons when I pass. I do not want to have them go what I am going through. That is why I want to try to become a bit more Spartan. But, my house decor is Victorian. By nature, it has a lot of brick-a-brac. Does that sound like rationalization?

I am more anxious because I still get scared when my ill son's door is ajar. One year later and I still bave the startle reflex.

But now, I have been waking up gasping, thinking that I am dying like my brother. I have been sleeping with the adjacent bathroom light on. I am more afraid of death...not less. I have never liked sleeping. I do not know if it the loss of control or that it is a perfectly good waste of time...

Leafy, Hubs would be very proud of you. Yes, he would want you to carry on, cherish memories, and live your life to the fullest. Some people never have the love that you shared. You are truly blessed.

I will try to dig my way out of all of the boxes and stacks in each room. My brother belonged actively to 4 or 5 churches and almost all of his 70 books were religious in nature. He had about 20 Bibles. Really!

It certainly is true that you can't take it with you. My messy house is witness to this sad fact! Perhaps Special Delivety?

It is very difficult to sort through things when you are depressed. EVERYTHING has special meaning.

I used up a roll of foil that my ill son had bought when he lived here. I wanted to keep it. He will never buy anything for the house again. A sad little off-brand green box and accompanying cardboard roll had special meaning for me. It sounds even more pitiful in typing this out. I am just very over-whelmed and depressed.

Your post was so uplifting positive, Leafy, mine is quite the inverse! Sorry...

 

[Feeling Sad]

My middle son, who lives up north and is going to school and has one job on campus and an internship, is not doing well. A few years ago he was prescribed antidepressants, but went off of them in less than a month because he didn't like how they made him feel.

He started to take them again last Christmas during finals to help him to concentrate. When he came down here, he ran out. He was just taking the ones that he had left from before. He started to feel weird because he was going off of them 'cold turkey'. I took him to see a doctor, but they would not give him more antidepressants because he needed to be followed and he was going back up north. He never saw a doctor up there.

He took it very badly when his older schizophrenic brother had to be served a restraining order due to violence and threatening my life. He told me that even if something feels sad it doesn't mean that it was the wrong thing to do. He had always planned on taking care of him when I passed. He worries about someone hurting his brother out on the streets. He even mentioned about wanting to commit suicide to me because life is just so sad when he was very upset. He refused to see a doctor. He never wants to have children because he does not want to pass down schizophrenia. He doesn't date and is very depressed.

During the last semester, the guy who he was renting a room from had to move without notice midsemester. He brought all of his belongings down here and told me that he was sleeping on a friend's couch. Places are difficult to find midsemester.

He was driving my parents 89 Camry and it would not pass smog. He got a ticket because he did not have tags. Then it broke down in San Francisco. He had to stay over 2 nights until Monday when mechanic shops opened. He wanted to stay in the car to keep it safe.

He told me that the mechanic would be able to see that he is living in his car. I said, "But you live at a friend's house"and he just laughed.

I decided to drive up a few days later and surprise him with a 2006 Camry. He insisted on paying me back and he loved the car. I tried to go with him that night to see some rooms. He just said..."No, mom".

He refuses to go to a doctor and struggled in school for the first time in his life. He was tested in 3rd grade to be the upper 2 percentile in I.Q. and started college at 16. He had no internet for studying or showers, etc. He went to the school library and gym. He talked about not being able to concentrate and was forgetful, which is a common complaint with depression. I texted him a view room listings, but he never followed through on any.

At the end of the semester he found out that he had not passed one of his classes. He was devasted. But, at least now rooms would start to become available. He speaks of not wanting to be around people. He does a lot of hiking when he is not working.

I have sent him at least 30 room listings. I text and ask if he has called any of them. He prefers texting to talking...while I am the inverse. He never answers me.

He says that he does not feel well. He has lived in his car about 3 or 4 months now. He will not go to see a doctor, go on medications, or get therapy. He will not look for a room. He is still working his 2 jobs.

I told him that a happy person would be depressed living in their car. He will not do anything to help the situation because of the depression. My brother's death threw him further into the depths.

I texted 2 difficult things to say today.

I told him that I did not surprise him with a nice car so that he could live in it.

I also said that I cannot handle the worry of having 2 sons homeless and living in their cars.

My heart is breaking. Is it just depression...or is it something worse? I have 2 sisters and one son with schizophrenia, plus a great uncle.

I am helpless to help him.

 

[Childofmine]

FS I am reading along with you. Please know that you're not alone and we are bearing witness and walking with you. So many of the things you write ring true and make me remember things from the past.

I used up a roll of foil that my ill son had bought when he lived here. I wanted to keep it. He will never buy anything for the house again. A sad little off-brand green box and accompanying cardboard roll had special meaning for me. It sounds even more pitiful in typing this out. I am just very over-whelmed and depressed.

I have 2 sisters and one son with schizophrenia, plus a great uncle.

I so understand this small thing that is a big thing. During the really bad times once we found Difficult Child's abandoned car. It had been left at the side of a road about 15 miles from here. We had it towed to my neighborhood and put it in an area where people store their boats. The precious little car that we had shopped and shopped for, a nice used Camry, an affordable car, gray and in shining pristine condition: it was trashed. Dents, a flat tire, cigarette burns, tires rubbed, clothes, papers, fast food papers...junk, a terrible smell...trashed. He was in jail again of course. I don't know what happened, and still don't, with the car there, abandoned. I remember my ex-husband telling me he thought he had seen it. My SO (now husband) and I had driven there to check. It was his car. I stood there with tears rolling down my face. It stayed stored in my neighborhood for a long time, I don't remember how long. We walked down to check on it a few times. Someone had thrown rocks at the windows once so we put plastic and duct tape on them. I thought it was two older neighborhood boys who used to be good friends of my son's, but he stole from them and their family, so I'm sure they couldn't stand him anymore. I had no proof of that, but I was convinced they had done it. And the hurt was even deeper. I stood there and cried and cried at the car that I saw as a metaphor for my son's ruined life. I didn't go back to see that car. It was just too hard.

I so understand the aluminum foil.

I have 2 sisters and one son with schizophrenia, plus a great uncle.

This is just so hard. Having a deep and wide family history of mental illness leaves you with so much to bear. The pain and grief of loving people whose lives are such a struggle. I wish I knew the answer. I wish there was a definitive pathway to help people, and that denial wasn't part of mental illness, and that we had resources in this country to really help, and somehow we had supports for people who struggle like this. I wish I knew. It hurts to think about this with you. I am so sorry. Please know that we can understand this kind of profound pain and living with this.

Being bored and lonely, I shop. It is a very bad habit.

I think this is just fine and okay. Please...please...please...be very gentle and kind with yourself. Shower yourself with grace and mercy and permit yourself the coping mechanisms you need right now. If the shopping one is dissipating, okay, but maybe there are others. I think coping for a while is a temporary thing that does dissipate with time, as things change, and as you change. We need things like this to help us cope.

For a long time, when my marriage was imploding due to my ex-husband's alcoholism, well before my precious son went off the rails (as far as I knew! who knows what was really going on, even then?), I would work hard, or as hard as I could, having my own business that I operate out of my home. Then often, I would drive 10 to 15 miles away to small towns with antique and thrift stores, and I began to collect things like old mixing bowls, old glass and pottery, things like that. One time I started collecting deviled egg plates, and I amassed a huge collection. One time I found a metal cake-taker. The hunt and the process and the wandering and the mindless whatever and the short drive and the solitude and the quiet...all of it helped me cope. I did this for a few years. Then, as things changed, I realized I had all of this stuff...goodness!...and the stuff no longer meant anything to me. Slowly I got rid of it all. Slowly...I was ready to stop. Now, I'm kind of into less stuff. I've been purging now for about 5 years...I don't know what it meant---I'm sure there is some psychological theory...but I know the process helped me cope.


You say you are depressed and anxious. Of course you are. This is so much, your two sons, and your brother. Please allow yourself time, space, grace, mercy and as you can and want to, get more help. Reach out. Here, therapy, support groups, writing in a journal...just some thoughts about what really helped me. Time does help. I don't know why but it is a truism. Help helps. There is joy and peace and contentment to be treasured and had in this world, even in the midst of so much that is impossible to understand.

Please know you are in my heart today and in my prayers. We're here with you.

 

[karisma]

Feeling Sad, my heart breaks for you and your sons' pain. Im so very sorry to hear this. I preferred the raging of my son's earlier adulthood to witnessing the sadness he feels now. You are in my thoughts.

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have one that I worry myself sick over and can't imagine two. Sending you strength!!

Child your car story is heartbreaking. I can understand what that represented. I have felt it also.

 

[New Leaf]

Feeling, you have gone through and are going through so much. We all here seem to have more than our fair share of heartache. More so than some folks that I have been around. Though I do feel everyone has another story behind their smiles.

I want to thin out my things, or at least, stop buying items. Being bored and lonely, I shop. It is a very bad habit. Ah...that quick rush you get with a good deal and then you are left with the item forever or, at least until your loved ones sort through your things.

I like to shop too. We are gatherers, it's in our genes, (or jeans) lol. Mom was a shopper, too. Sis and I call it "shopping therapy". Of course now I have to be more careful...

I am more anxious because I still get scared when my ill son's door is ajar. One year later and I still have the startle reflex

I do not blame you Feeling. What a mix of emotions, to love someone so and be witness and victimized by this insidious illness. I am sorry Feeling. When you are ready, maybe you can think of ways to transform that room? The thought of it now may seem preposterous, how I feel at times when I am removing hubs name from accounts. It felt as if I was "erasing" him. I had to change my mindset to "renewing". I have to make myself over and carry on. I know your son in his right mind would not want you to suffer so.

Leafy, Hubs would be very proud of you. Yes, he would want you to carry on, cherish memories, and live your life to the fullest. Some people never have the love that you shared. You are truly blessed.

Yes Feeling, truly blessed. But, I must confess, I was very lonesome. You see, hubs had a very violent, abusive childhood. He never fully processed this, had a lot of baggage and immersed himself in work. I hung on to the good times, but we had some very rocky moments. I saw the goodness in his heart, but there were times when his past infiltrated our life. He was physically abusive a few times in our youth, but we got counseling and got through that. There were still remnants from his upbringing that made our journey together rough. The past few years were hard because of his declining health and the issues with our two and the grands. He worked so hard to give his kids a better life, it was really depressing for him to witness the struggle our two went through. He was not a talker, so all of this was bundled up inside. It caused a rift between us, he was just accepting the idea of detachment, but was angry at me because I reached that point before he did. I tried hard to talk with him, he went further inside of himself. I think his health was fading, and he couldn't express it. Kept crunching numbers for early retirement, worked so damn hard all of his life, but resented it at the same time. I kept telling him we would get by, he insisted on working.
Yes, I loved him dearly and he loved me, but it became a struggling hard love. Not the "Disney" picture. There were no date nights, conversations, towards the last few years, no terms of endearment or hugs. A lot of that had to do with his health issues and also the constant drama and chaos dealing with our d cs took its toll.
I am grieving his passing and at the same time grieving what could have been. I kept telling myself he would feel better and more relaxed when he retired and that we could rekindle our relationship. His last illness was very bad. I have PTSD from it. That is something I have to work through.
I have to look at my son and work hard to offer him the best of me. That is a blessing, I don't know how I would muster up the energy without that focus. When the difficult memories and images surface, I pray, I try to stop those images from taking over me. If I let them, I will slip into a dark hole. I can't afford to go there not only for my sons sake, but for mine. Keeping busy has helped. My son wants to surf, so I have dusted off my board and got my butt back into the ocean. I am a bit rusty, but it is good to be out there. Still coaching kids and paddling. Slowly working on the house and yard.
Life.
It is hard, but it is still beautiful.
It is what we make of it.
We have no control over circumstances, only our attitude. I want to try and make the rest of my days here on earth meaningful and productive while I still have my health. Not getting any younger....... Hubs passing reminds me of how short life is. I miss him very very much.

Your post was so uplifting positive, Leafy, mine is quite the inverse! Sorry...

Well, I got a little inverse there myself.....Feeling, it is what it is and that sometimes just really, really sucks (sorry getting crass here)...I am glad you are able to honestly share your thoughts, I think it is important to let it out.

I also said that I cannot handle the worry of having 2 sons homeless and living in their cars.

I think this way at times. Then I stop. It is because I have absolutely no control over the choices my two make. Tornado and Volcano had a horrible incident the night of scattering hubs ashes.
I posted about it. It was just unacceptable. Same ole same ole. Tornado camped out here a few days, while her kids went with their crazy dad. I tried to talk with her, to no avail. She is back with him. Sigh. I saw Rain the other day, she is still in the park. WTF? She seems fine with that. Oh well. Your sons circumstances are different, but the cold hard reality that bites is that we both have no control over this. None.
Maybe I have swung way on the other side of the pendulum Feeling. I just don't want to live the short rest of my life heartbroken and desolate over something I have no control over.

My heart is breaking. Is it just depression...or is it something worse? I have 2 sisters and one son with schizophrenia, plus a great uncle

The only way you will know is to keep seeking help Feeling. Depression is real and looming. I dealt with it with hubs. He changed, went inside himself, became increasingly negative and often cruel. He didn't want help, and I often bore the brunt of it. I had to create a protective "bubble" tried hard not to let it get to me and live. He would tell me stuff like "You don't do anything." I know I internalized a lot and didn't take good care of myself, chocolate was my go to. So, I need to work hard at fixing that. There is a widows group I may join and if I continue to get flashbacks from hubs last days, I will seek therapy.
I have the motivation of healing not only for myself, but for my son. In three years he will be 18. I am hoping he will make the most of his life, but who knows? Anything could happen. I just have to work hard to strive.
You too, Feeling. You are a wonderful human being with great purpose. You have a bright light that shines. You matter Feeling, the rest of your life matters.

I am helpless to help him

This is correct. Put in a different way, you have no control over his decisions.
You are not helpless.
There are many things in this life we have absolutely no control over. But, we are not helpless. Neither are they. There is help out there for them. For us.
I don't think you realize just how incredibly strong you are, Feeling. You have mustered up great courage to go on through some incredibly difficult obstacles. Yet here you are. Sad and weary, but not broken. You, little bird are my hero. I am proud and thankful to have you as my warrior sister. It will be okay friend. One day, one step at a time, soldier on.
Big hugs and love,
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I have to add that sometimes I think hubs was prepping me for life without him. He pushed and pushed me to do better. To be self sufficient.
Truly, I am a goofy, slow to move artistic (maybe a bit autistic) daydreamer. He was the opposite, always driven to get the job done. He was my backbone, my foundation. He drove me crazy at times, but I loved him. I hear his voice constantly chiding me to move forward.
I will do what I can to make the best of what lies before me.
There is no other option.
The word of the day is imua (move ahead with determination.)
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Leafy, yes, we are both going through so much.

I too am dealing with flashbacks of my brother's death. It is exacerbating my ptsd. I did not know at the moment what was happening. I had that thought, or 'message', about if he passed it would be calm and peaceful. A moment later, his chest was heaving. I actually told my brother to breathe slower. Can you imagine how I feel? His last awareness on Earth was my distant voice nagging him to breathe slower while he was gasping for air. Then, the 2 nurses ran over and tried to revive him. I was just there to take him home...

I like to think that it helped him for me to be there. But, I too have the trauma of witnessing his passing. I wake up gasping. I can't help but visualize it. It did not look "calm and peaceful" to me. People who have near death experiences come back and say that they felt no pain. They did not suffer. I am going with that thought.

I am strong, for the most part. I have always had to be. But, my middle son is deep in the grips of depression. Being a biologist, he of course read how antidepressants permanently change the makeup of your mind. Now...he wants no part of medication. I worry about the possibility that he will get schizophrenia.

I truly remember that the last the time I was down my my depths happy without any fears looming was when I was in 5th grade wearing a glittery princess Halloween costume at the school carnival. I had years of ugly pirate with an eye-patch and toad costumes that my father had picked out. I finally got my 'glitter'...literally and figuratively. Life was simple then... I remember walking across the playground smiling...just truly smiling.

I agree with you about life being short. We both know this better than anyone. I am trying to get better. I have been told that my ptsd might be permanent. But, I shall carry on.

I like to ship my new tops and clothing off...with the tags on, to the most recent disaster. I have done it a few times. I buy too much for myself and I am helping others. It is a win/win situation. I am getting a box ready to ship to West Virginia. I am not rich, but it makes me feel good. I can help others even if I can't help my sons.

Thank you for your story about the car, Child. Yes, you completely understand my sad empty foil box experience.

Life slips by so quickly. I feel like I live in the land of someday. Someday my sons will be better. But, time continues to tick away. I keep waiting for that magical day. But, my life is slipping slowly away. I need to find some peace or happiness within myself and try to forge ahead...somehow.

I am proud of you, Leafy. I imagine you surfing in the glistening sun. Hubs would be very proud of you. You go girl! Yes...determination.

 

[Feeling Sad]

Child, thank you for understanding my shopping. Yes, I too like to go to antique stores. I used to sell antiques. My whole house is full of antiques. Outside of clothing, I do not purchase something unless it is at least 100 years old...a true antique. It hasn't slowed me down in the least. I told this to my class once and a student suggested, "Maybe you should only buy things that are 200 years old".

The thrill of the hunt gives me a purpose and it focuses my brain. I am busy focusing on my pursuit...and not my blaring issues or grief at hand.

I am at an impasse. I love to shop, but I am getting annoyed by so many possessions. I find it even more bothersome after sorting through others' belongings. It is so difficult to let go of their things...it is my childhood and happier times that I am letting go of when I donate their things. Bit by bit, my happier times during my childhood is disappating.

I also do not want my sons have to sort through mountains of my things. I do not want them to have to go through what I have gone through. My father did not have many collected things being a top security aeronautical engineer. But my mother...my mother was a pack rat like me.

I put a burial plot on hold next to my brother's at the cemetery when I purchased his. I have to decide this week if I want to keep it. I am twice divorced and I can trade for a plot next to a future significant other at the same cemetery in the future, if the need arises. I want to be near family.

This plot is the closest to my mother and the least expensive. It is comforting, at yet, very depressing to know EXACTLY where I am going to be placed for eternity...

Thinking about my own eventual death puts all of my issues in a different realm or level. It is all truly very depressing.

I do not want my sons to have to sort through all of my many things.

Watching my brother's difficult passing has brought back my 'near death experience' I experienced with my son. I have been told over and over that in the psychotic grips of schizophrenia, he could have easily followed his command hallucinations and killed me. My schizophrenic sister from the time I was 11 threatened to kill me. My first exhusband, who was a Vietnam vet, often threatened to kill me and physically abused me.

Death has been at my doorstep, so to speak, for 50 years. But, purchasing a plot takes it to a whole new level...

 

[New Leaf]

I am proud of you, Leafy. I imagine you surfing in the glistening sun. Hubs would be very proud of you. You go girl! Yes...determination.

I am proud of you Feeling, you have overcome so much, you are one tough cookie!
I am clearing out too, feel the same way about too much stuff, want to simplify. Hubs got to a point where he just could not throw things away, there was always a use for something. Recycling and reusing is good, but when the stuff just piles up, everything is cluttered, it makes it harder to clean and becomes a nuisance. My mind gets cluttered, I feel yucky. While hubs was alive, I knew that his stuff was an issue that I could not battle. I have been sorting through his "treasures" and made several dump runs of stuff that just didn't make sense to keep, rusty broken tools, old parts of things, etc. Son has been helping sort through it and comes along with me. It is a good time for us to talk as we drive along the way. Every time we have done this, a white cattle egret has hopped up onto hubs truck hood, staring at us as we empty the contents in the bed. I say "Yes, hon, I am dumping again, I just don't have a use for this stuff...."
Too much stuff......for me, it impedes my thought process. I have passed piles of it for years trying to ignore it, but now I am going through it and while sadness mixes in to the process, it is healing as well to clear out. I think we all have our treasure piles that someone else would not see the value we place on it.
Feeling, I have a friend who's parents were in the antique business. Her house is chock a block full of old and beautiful pieces, almost like an antique store! She views those antiques as her parents investment for her future, when short of cash, sells them. Maybe in your clearing out, you could catalogue a few for your sons reference?

I am at an impasse. I love to shop, but I am getting annoyed by so many possessions. I find it even more bothersome after sorting through others' belongings. I

I think that paring down is a part of growing older and wanting to simplify. My mom has done this, she is one of the most organized people I know, unfortunately, I did not inherit the trait. I like to shop too, but am making a rule that if I bring something in, I have to take something out. Sometimes, I will walk around a bit and put stuff in my cart, but wait awhile before going to the cashier, I end up putting a lot back.......ask myself "Do I really need this? Usually, I just want it....got to remind myself I have lots to clean out.

I also do not want my sons have to sort through mountains of my things. I do not want them to have to go through what I have gone through.

Ditto, don't want my kids left with a mess to clean out. Or, the feeling that they are "erasing me" like how I felt earlier on about taking care of business. Hoku commented to me that it is weird, how her dad is gone and I have to close accounts, destroy his checks and all of that business that goes with a loved one passing on. It is a part of life and the eventuality of death. We are all headed to an end, right from our birth on. What comes between that is up to us in some ways, in others, not.

I put a burial plot on hold next to my brother's at the cemetery when I purchased his. I have to decide this week if I want to keep it. I am twice divorced and I can trade for a plot next to a future significant other at the same cemetery in the future, if the need arises. I want to be near family.

I am contemplating a cremation plan with a mortuary, so it will be paid for and my kids don't have to worry about it. I have never been responsible for funeral arrangements or anything of the sort, so it was part of the shock when hubs passed. What do I do? How do I do this? I am glad there was family there to help.

Thinking about my own eventual death puts all of my issues in a different realm or level. It is all truly very depressing.

Me too. I am trying to get things in order, so when I go, it will be easier for the kids to transition. I don't feel depressed about it, just that I have so many things I want to do before I go?

Watching my brother's difficult passing has brought back my 'near death experience' I experienced with my son.

I can imagine how it would trigger this for you Feeling. It is so inexplicably traumatic to witness our loved ones passing, especially when it is sudden, unexpected.....I have to work hard to stave off the flashbacks, that feeling of despair and helplessness. I do not wish that to be the looming memory of my time with my husband. It can't be, it is too difficult. There are so many tender moments that I need to reflect on to soften the harsh ending he faced. Not once did a doctor say "your husband is very ill, he may not make it..." In fact, they all said the opposite, that he was strong and would pull through. I am sorry Feeling for going through the horror of your brothers passing. Words cannot express.

Death has been at my doorstep, so to speak, for 50 years. But, purchasing a plot takes it to a whole new level...

It does take it to another level, looking into the face of our impending inevitability. I am nearing 60. How much more quality time do I have? It is giving me a sense of urgency to do things that are fulfilling, try something different. I have been working to keep myself very busy these past few weeks, coming in and out of a cocoon of grief. It does not envelope me so much as time passes, but, I do have my moments when I need to be in solitude to let the feelings go through me. The flashbacks come at the oddest times. I have to take a deep breath and push the imagery from my mind.
That is also driving me to work to live as best can.

I keep waiting for that magical day. But, my life is slipping slowly away. I need to find some peace or happiness within myself and try to forge ahead...somehow.

Yes Feeling, me too. Forge ahead, somehow towards peace and happiness. Lets make our own magical days.........
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Feeling Sad]

Hi. I am sorry that it has been so long. It has been over a year since I had to file a restraining order against my violent schizoprenic son. I still miss him terribly and feel that I will never see him again. He is still alive per the activity on the small joint bank account. That is my only thread to sanity...

I have been trying to deal with my second son's depression. He is going to college in Monterey. He has always felt things very deeply. When I told him that I had to file a restraining order against his older brother, his life took a serious nose dive. I did not want to tell him, but I knew that I should. He was very close to him before his illness and was always going to take care of him. He knows that I had no choice. He said, "Just because you feel sad doesn't mean that it was the wrong thing to do".

He talked of not wanting to live. He told me if something happened to his brother, that his blood would be on my hands.

His roommate that he rented a room from had to move out of the area. He brought everything down to my house because he "was between places". He told me that he was staying with a friend on the couch. I found out a few months later that he was living in his car. I posted earlier about trying to get him to see a doctor for medications or therapy.

He failed one of his classes living in his car. He has never struggled with school. He doesn't want to tell anyone at his internship. He is embarrassed. He is a genius...upper 2 percentile according to Gate tests. He says that he is going to quit his internship without telling them.

I thought that he was living in his car because it was difficult to find a room mid semester. I started to send him contacts for rooms from craigslist. I went up there to visit and help him to find a room. Big mistake. He got mad constantly. He screamed and blamed me for his problems. He didn't want me to come, but I did anyway. He said, "That is just what I need...my mommy finding me a room". He drove off and told me that he didn't want to live. He said, "Thank you for killing me".

I went back home after 3 days of tension and being yelled at. My counselor told me that it was a positive step for me to take. I feel like I failed...

He weighs 112 pounds. He doesn't want to deal with people or rent a room. He doesn't want to be "doped up" on medications. He says that he is going to die soon and he can't stop it. He says that homeless people are kind and very nice.

I have 2 sons who are homeless.

I have been having bad vertigo. It is probably stress related. I am seeing my neurologist to outrule my brain tumor coming back next week. I go back to school next week. I feel totally sad...empty...despondent. I do not want to be perky and positive with my new charges. But...I will, though. I always am.

My counselor told me that she doesn't know if he is going to kill himself or not, but that she does know that I can't do anything to stop it. I didn't need to hear that. Yes, it is true. But, I didn't want to hear it.

Feeling Doubly Sad...

 

[karisma]

Feeling Sad,
I am so so so sorry for what you are going through. I just cried when I read your post. I related very much to your story when I first started reading this forum because my son, although not diagnosed as schizophrenic, is also psychotic (and homeless). I am so sorry for your pain. The very warmest of thoughts and prayers for you.

 

[BusynMember]

Words cant describe how your update made me feel in my heart nor how sad I feel for your situation. Perhaps younger son needs to sift through his own grief about his brother and will end up eventually in a better place and you two can mend together. Substance abuse, mental illness...they are family diseases, affecting everyone who loves the ill person. With few to no choices, which is not your fault, many loved ones suffer. If it's your thing to reach out to others for help, I suggest calling NAMI. They hsve classes for and groups for loved ones of the mentally ill. Do what mskes YOU feel better. Exercise, pray, volunteer at a homeless shelter to take the fear of them away from you,,,try not to always be alone. You did nothing wrong. The spot you are in is wrong. You didn't create it.

"it is always darkest before dawn." You can't know the future. Through situations nobody can predict, both of your boys may get help. It may not even be of their choices, but who cares? Nobody has a crystal ball, including ypur counselor. She stated one possibility. I stated another. Posssibilities are infinite.

We are holding your hand. You are never alone.

 

[Albatross]

Feeling, I am just getting caught up on your last post. What a truly sad place you and your sons are in. I am truly so very sorry to read about the pain you all are going through. As SWOT said, this is such a sad and striking example of how mental illness affects the entire family, and probably affects your second son even more because of his depression, the "black and white" thinking of his age...maybe even his intelligence works against him in this situation, because he is learning the hard way (as we all have done) that in some things, we can't "think up" a solution, no matter how smart we are.

Please know that we are here for you, Feeling, offering you much support and virtual hugs 24/7.

 

[Feeling Sad]

I forgot to mention my youngest son. I stay strong and keep going for him.

A little over a year ago, he was chosen to let the police into the house to serve the restraining order to my schizophrenic son. He had held a jagged bottle to my throat and a few weeks later argued with his voices when he had a command hallucination that told him to kill me. My ill son lied to the police and was not deemed serious enough to be involuntarily committed. My youngest son had to watch as the police pulled my scared ill son out of his room to be interrogated and then escorted out of the tract. He still feels guilty over being the one who let the police in. He feels that his brother is mad at him.

A few months later, he was 1 of 10 people chosen across the U.S. to go to Google and critique a system in front of the inventors. While he was gone his girlfriend of 8 years cheated on him and broke up with him. He was going to propose.

When he was 20 he paid $4,000 to take a 5 day class. He was the youngest by far and the others' class was paid by the military or the government. Only 2 out of the 12 passed all 3 Cisco certifications and he was one of them.

He just graduated college with honors and landed a great local job in the software field.

I am strong for him.

My middle son has always seen things as they really are since a very young age. He feels everything deeply. I wrote earlier about when he was in the 2nd grade the teacher told the class to write their favorite word and draw a picture. He chose ominous, spelled it properly, and drew dark clouds. They tested him for GATE. But, I was worried that my little second grader chose 'ominous'.

My schizophrenic sister was kidnapped and missing when I was in college. She was taken by a pimp and forced to turn tricks in a seedy hotel in downtown L.A. Growing up, she threatened my life many times. I made it through school, but my heart was breaking.

I hate mental illness. It steals people away from us. They become someone completely different and view us, their family, as the enemy. I ache every day. I worry every day. I am not able to cry because of disassociation due to ptsd, but my throat feels as if I am going to cry all of the time. I wish that I could cry. I wish that I could help my sons. I have been able to help hundreds of children as a sp. ed. teacher through the years, but not my own sons. I HATE mental illness.

 

[Childofmine]

Feeling Sad, I am catching up with your recent posts. I'm so sorry that you have two sons who are not doing well. I'm so glad that you have one son who is doing well. Please keep on living for him. It seems like we put the ones who are doing well to the side, when we are dealing with those who aren't.

And you are right. There is nothing you can do. I so wish there WAS something you could do, and we could all collaborate on next steps.

I'm so thankful that you have your job to go to...where you know you are needed, and you DO make a difference. Cling to that. Focus on that. Focus on small things and large things that give you pleasure. Things that make you happy and peaceful, like a walk, sitting with a good book, lunch with a friend.

I think we overlook the simple pleasures that we all need everyday in our lives to develop perspective, to find moments of calm and peace, in our quest to find answers and find solutions to the intractable problems of loving people who are seriously mentally ill.

I don't think anything will completely assuage your grief and your pain. But I do think you can move forward in your life with a lot of work and time. Please contact NAMI, Al-Anon, read books, continue writing here and in a journal, create a gratitude list every morning---take five minutes, do the work and you will get better. Even with your two precious sons in the grip of this horrible monster of mental illness...you can get better...as they go about their lives, whatever that looks like for them.

This is another opportunity to separate yourself---not in a bad way or a punitive way or a shut-them-out way---but in a way that acknowledges that we are all separate individuals. We all have our separate paths to walk. We can't walk another person's path for them, as much as we want to so badly.

We can only do what we can do...and in some cases, there are just no actions to take...and living with that in and of itself is very very hard...sometimes there are only words of love and support and encouragement...and then stepping back once again to focus on our own lives. Sometimes there are only fervent prayers. Fervent wishes and good thoughts for something good to come into their lives. Some Power greater than ourselves that will walk with our precious sons through the muck and the mire, and we can release them to the Universe. We can let go. As fundamentally hard as this is. It's the hardest thing in the whole world to do.

No matter what---we are here for you, to listen and respond, to support and encourage, to bounce ideas off of...always with you holding the power to determine what you will and won't do in your own life.

Please know we are, and please know we understand in a way few others can.

 

[New Leaf]

My dearest Feeling, how glad I am that you have checked in, glad to know you are okay, but so sorry for your vexation and sadness. I have missed you.
Having two adult children suffering and homeless is so very difficult. How we wish for the best for them. We are in a similar situation my dear friend. Different in so many ways, yet the same in the toll it can take upon our weary hearts. Substance abuse and homelessness. Certainly addiction takes a mind to a degree of questionable mental health and decision making. My two are out there. Tornado with three children and an abusive S O. Rain, seemingly content with living in a park. One would think that their lifestyles would change after the passing of their father, but, unfortunately I have yet to see a difference. All of this, I have absolutely no control over. It is hard, and it is sad, but, it is the reality of it. How I do love them so. I spent many a time feeling depressed and desolate, not knowing which way to turn, which is why I came here to CD. The hours spent here have helped me to lift my head above the raging torrent of emotions, swim against the strong currents.
YOU have helped me little Bird.
Helped me to let go and let God. I hope that you are able to do the same. Am I heartless and cold? I ask myself that. The answer I have found is that my wasting away and floundering does absolutely nothing to help or change my twos situation. Nothing. After hubs passed, it became even clearer to me that life is so very short. His life and sacrifice for his children, his death, did nothing to change the choices they made and make. It is because they will do what they want to do. Whether it be substance abuse driven, or mental illness due to that, they will do what they want to do.They are adults.
When I find myself slipping into the darkness of it, I say a prayer. Instead of looking at my two and mourning their lifestyles and circumstance, I am thankful to have had the blessings of giving birth, holding them to my breast, loving and rejoicing in their milestones. I am thinking of the wonderful things we were able to do together.
This was a precious gift.
But, they were only on loan to me for a time to hold, and raise. As they struggled through their teen years it was pretty evident that they would do what they wanted to do. Even then. And so it is.

He just graduated college with honors and landed a great local job in the software field.

I am strong for him.

I am so glad that you have your young son to be strong for. He is doing so well. I have the same with my boy. I have to be strong for him. But, I have to be strong for me, too. It is because I have purpose and meaning in my life. We ALL do.

I hate mental illness. It steals people away from us. They become someone completely different and view us, their family, as the enemy.

I feel the same of addiction, little bird. It is horrible. I am so sorry dear friend.

I wish that I could cry. I wish that I could help my sons. I have been able to help hundreds of children as a sp. ed. teacher through the years, but not my own sons. I HATE mental illness.

I understand. It hits even harder when working with others children, and seeing success. But, this is a tribute to your compassion and strength dear one, and your ability to make a difference in others lives, even though you have walked such a difficult path. You are a warrior.

Sometimes there are only fervent prayers. Fervent wishes and good thoughts for something good to come into their lives. Some Power greater than ourselves that will walk with our precious sons through the muck and the mire, and we can release them to the Universe. We can let go. As fundamentally hard as this is. It's the hardest thing in the whole world to do.

It is the hardest thing to do. For if we could, we would lay our own lives down, that our beloveds would have peace. This is not something that can be ransomed. Our sacrifice would be in vain. It would not change what is. So, we are left with the task to soldier on and do the best we can with our lives.
Live.
Standing on the mountain battle worn yet determined to live.
How would it help my two, if I shed a thousand times a thousand tears? If I synchronistically lost my purpose and chance to live a good rest of my life alongside of them, would it help them?
No, it wouldn't.
With this reality, I am determined to live as best I can. I hope the same for you. For I do believe it is a testimony to our beloveds that by our living well, they can, too.
In my grief for hubs passing, I scoured obituaries. Noted those who lived into their 80's and 90's and grieved it would not be so for my husband. Then, I began to see that there were many who passed before his age, and also those who had lost their lives as young children, infants. I began to see that I was blessed with the years that I did have my mate by my side. I was blessed with raising my children until they reached their adult years. I am blessed to have what I do have, for so many people have suffered unimaginable fates.
We have life, Feeling. It can either be viewed as blessing or a curse, but we have life.
You have lived a most difficult life, been through so many, many hard things and come through.
You are kind and smart, talented and gifted. You have purpose and you matter very, very much.
I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping with all of my heart for strength, respite and peace.
For you.
For all of us.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[recoveringenabler]

I am so so sorry for your pain.

The following link was recently posted here, perhaps it might offer you a bit of solace, I hope so.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxXp8rDz4BeVNlRoNzlVRkFfYkE/view?usp=sharingOnce I

My prayers and warm wishes are with you.......

 

[RN0441]

Feeling Sad:
Just offering my prayers and support. Focus on the good things in your life. That's all we can do when things get so very tough that we can't take it anymore.

Every day is a gift. I pray for peace for you and your sons.