Hey, Cedar, or anyone interested in FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Cedar, WHY NOW???

[BusynMember]

Hi and thank you, Cedar. Hi, Copa. Hope you're having a nice day.

Cedar, as those phrases came into my head, I did not believe them. The "you're borderline" almost made me laugh. A new one from my sister. I am positive I''m not borderline. Once I read the difference between borderline and CPTSD, I knew I'd never think so again because borderlines truly have no heart and that is so far from me that it's almost t he opposite. I have too much heart. Which is why I could not harden myself when my mother called me names or my brother wrote me a mean letter or my sister labeled me with a mean label or when I called MYSELF mean things.

With time gone without them, everything is gentler. I am in a world now with no negativity. I have nobody in my life who is negative. Amazing, huh? At Goodwill, you are not allowed to belittle or trash somebody else or you are fired on the spot. Therefore, at work, which CAN be a big place of meanness, everyone is his or her best self and caring individuals are hired. I have not heard anybody trash talk anyone else. It is a great sanctuary, along with my home.

When we refuse to let toxidity into our lives, I don't believe we are hiding from life. I feel like we are living life as it should be lived. Why choose to embrace those who are negative? Why choose triggers? Why choose a stormy day when one can choose sunshine a nd flowers? It is good for all of us to embrace goodness. Some dramatic people are good at the core. I was very dramatic at one time. I craved it. I was still good at t he core. But the drama was making me sick. I choose now and have for many years chosen no drama.

That's why I finally had to tell my sister I would not listen to her talking about her abusive boyfriend any longer. I was afraid for her. It caused tension withiin me. It was also stressful to hear about and it wasn't going to change. To this day, I am not sorry I made that decision. I had listened for a few years and it was stressful. I don't want to add stress to my life. I already have a higher than average ability to feel stress.

Now Bart's situation, not of his choosing, IS a stressor, but I'm pacing myself. I can't just not ever talk to my own son about it, but I an keep it tolerable. And I will.

I read something that helped me a lot, although I can't always do it. Forgot the book. Been reading a lot lately. It talked about how pilots were flying too high and crashing because they tried too hard to turn the planes around. This is probably not accurate about the airplanes...I don't understand airplanes and how they work...but you get the point. Finally a pilot got into the area of the sky w here he also started to lose control of t he airplane. Instead of trying to steer it to safety, he let go and just thought, "I can't control this."

The problem resolved and he survived.

Now, when I want to control a conclusion, I think about this airplane spinning out of control with no way to right it and just let life land where it does. No guarantee of a good ending, of course, but we can't control things outside of ourselves.

"Round and round and round it goes and where it lands nobody knows."

I feel this way about Bart's situation. No matter how t he judge rules, he can work it out so he can still have his son 50% of the time. It will be inconvenient and difficult, but it can be done. I told him, "You can do it. Don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet."

Haha. The pot (me) calling the kettle black, no?

It is my biggest stress. I have no other real stressers. I am also more aware of my emotional flashbacks. Now that I see them for what they are I just tell myself, "You're safe now. You don't have to worry."

Worry seems to just be a part of me, for no reason at all.

Cedar and Copa and anyone reading this, distance is great. These characters who tormented me seem more like vague cartoon characters now. Not real. Not powerful. Somewhere out there doing their own lives, but not in my own.

Doing this online therapeutic cleansing has done me a world of good and will continue to and I can't thank you enough.

 

[Copabanana]

Does M have a sister like ours, Copa?

Yes, he does. But the siblings, like your husband's were raised to be unified and to care for the common good. It seems like this sister did not get the memo. It is so triggering to me.

if we can listen for the exact words beneath the feelings, or for the voice speaking the words, or for a visual imagery that attends the words or feelings, then we stop condemning and free that energy for ourselves.

I feel very heavy today. Like plodding heavy. Like wheezing heavy. Like life is over, heavy.

If I thought about it, I might think it had something to do with yesterday's post. That I remembered what it felt like to feel good by looking good, to feel envied or to want to be envied, perhaps.

If I look at it this way, the weight is something to keep me down, to hold me down, to keep me less than.

I was always so light footed. I work fast. I walk fast. No more.

I looked for my son again today. I deliberately drove up and down a few streets, and watched for him as I did my few errands.

Life seems so blah. Not much of anything animates me here. Nowhere I can go. Nothing I do, here, gives me energy or feeds me.

The couple of people who I delight in seeing, I do not want to see or I do not want to be seen by them. Which, I am not sure. Probably it is more this: I avoid anybody I want to be with. It is like I am keeping myself from wanting anything that is readily in reach.

Now, I want myself for my own.

What a worthy goal. I want myself for my own too. I do not know where to start. Tomorrow I will go for two long walks. Heat or no heat. Maybe I will find myself there.

How much of this ennui is because I cannot find my son. Who does not, it seems, want to be with me. How do other mothers at the point I am at, come to want themselves? What are the beginning steps? Leave town?

That'll do, pig." was so much better than the wordless contempt, overwhelming and impossible to ignore.

I hope that this is not what the weight is. Overwhelming, impossible to ignore and wordless contempt. It sure does sound like it. Physically embodied, impossible to ignore and overwhelming contempt for myself.
.

It wasn't only that you wanted to be a good girl, SWOT.

You made a choice against evil.

I think each of us did. And continue to do so.

s the excess weight a rebellion, Copa?

A punishment?

I think a little bit of both. Some of the weight I put on when I went back to work. It was stressful and when I work, I do that. And do not do the things I need to do to keep trim.

I love to move. It is really who I am. When I move I feel alive and hopeful. Vital and young.

Looked at that way, I better get going. Except it is so hot here now. Really hot.

I am a body type that thrives on exercise and movement. When I do not move, I mean, 6 or 7 or more hours a day of vigorous movement, my weight goes up, slowly, but it adds up.

So, by the time my Mom got sick I was already up almost 40 pounds. I had started off lean so I was not that overweight.

After she died, I went to bed, and I could care less. I never eat a lot. And should not gain weight from what I eat. But I think the lack of movement is what did it. So, I gained another 25 pounds. And my frame is light. All of the weight is pure blubber. I disgust myself.

What would you hear, if you could hear your internal discussion, your KFCD tapes, around weight and appearance?

A moment's taste means a thicker waist.

Who would be speaking?

My Mother.

What would be the expression on his or her face?

Sharp. Critical. Unsympathetic.

It is so hard when I am this unhappy with myself, to not have it spill over onto M. To feel that it is his fault. That if I were alone again, that I could find my bearings. In a relationship you carry stuff for the other person too. And I have hinted about some of the burden I carry with him.

On the other hand, not many men, in my experience, will share your burdens with you. And he does. He is a very good man. Mostly. And when it comes close to his leaving I get frantic.

Is it that I do not want to be alone again or that I do not want to lose him? That is a vital distinction. Because I never thought I was a woman who settled or would settle.

I trusted him. And I trust him. To a point. I never trusted anybody before.

Each lady is so special, and it is a real joy to anticipate the evening

There is a lady who works in my bank. We seem both to like talking to each other. I feel happy just being with her. Except when I figured that out, I stopped going to the bank. I have not been back for 6 or 8 months. How dumb is that? Her name is Molly. She is honest and present and real and sweet and strong. At least she seems that to me, and to her co-workers who miss her when she is not there. I miss her too. Somebody you can tell the truth to, and she doesn't fog over. I love it how she doesn't smile. She loves her animals and cried when her dog died. She makes paper. She has a Macaw. I really like her. I wish she was my friend.

I don't want to be vulnerable. To want to be her friend made me feel exposed. What if she doesn't want to be mine? I would feel ashamed.

I have had so many "friends." For what it is worth, I was known (I wrote I am known, present tense. Obviously that cannot stand, because I have no family anymore) in my family as the one who always had "friends."

I am not that person anymore. Whether it is because I am raw, without skin, or whether it is the bloat, or something else, I do not feel I can risk right now, or anymore. I do not want to risk.

From that way of thinking the weight is a protection, a barrier. Weighing me down so I do not reach out. Cannot touch or be touched. Keeping me from being close to others.

It is not only that. I think I only eat 1000 kcals a day. Thank you for asking, Cedar. am grateful. My Mother said that to me a few weeks before she died. For a long time I wish she had said, Thank You. There is a difference. The latter implies a relationship. A gift. My mother could not do that. She could not go that far.

I know your book club went well, Cedar. What did you bake? I love to bake, too. All of the men in my family were professional bakers and my Dad was a pastry chef on ocean liners.

When I can get to a Walmart that had Phyllo dough I will make Granddaughter's Baklava. I will only eat 2 bites.

SWOT, I missed you today. I went to look for you, but did not know what to say about Bart and Junior. Love and gratitude. That's all.

 

[BusynMember]

Mornin', ladies.

Getting that first cup of coffee before getting ready for work. This is my loooooooooong week (I work the weekend).

Cedar, thanks for noticing I wasn't there. I didn't even notice...lol. I had a proper day off for once. I did a few chores in the morning, then read, read, read, then took a nap, which I almost never do. We watched a movie tonight. It rained. Hard. Peaceful. Today...back to the grind.

I know your book club went well, Cedar. What did you bake? I love to bake, too. All of the men in my family were professional bakers and my Dad was a pastry chef on ocean liners.

Cedar, I'm glad you have this activity you like. I've thought of joining a book club too. I'm happy you enjoy the company there.
My daughter Princess is a pastry chef, although she quit to take care of the baby. It was a long day. Boy, do we enjoy the holidays when she's the one cooking!!!

I mostly burn things. I'm not normal t hat way. I don't really enjoy the normal "girl" stuff most women like to do. Or I don't have the patience. Or I'm not good at those activities. Or all three. I have to have my mind or body engaged or I get bored. ADHD. Don't like to dress up either. The only thing I do that's a little girly is always make sure my gray hair is colored. I do have a vain side and like being told I look young. And I do. Last week somebody said she thought I was about 52. I liked that. Maybe I'm more narcicistic then I think I am.

The couple of people who I delight in seeing, I do not want to see or I do not want to be seen by them. Which, I am not sure. Probably it is more this: I avoid anybody I want to be with. It is like I am keeping myself from wanting anything that is readily in reach.

Please...be nice to yourself. Do see these good people. Don't punish yourself.
I get to see my awesome therapist today. I only see her twice a month.
She would tell you to do it, even if you don't feel like it, and you'll perk up. You would like her, even though you don't like most therapists. You would like this one. She is so kind. She has so much insight. She listens so well, looking right at you, giving such incredible feedback. One of my favorite therapists of all times. I actually believe she's a psychologist. She's the one who insisted I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and why. And she told me why I can't possibly have borderline and to stop diagnosing myself and to not listen to others who don't have degrees and just want to hurt me.

She is kind but wise and has wonderful coping skills. I will share anything I may learn today (this is after work).

It is hard to find a really good therapist. I've had a lot through the years. I've had a few stand outs. I've had a few lemons who looked bored or almost seemed like they were going to fall asleep.

They were men, of course. I learned to only go to women for a better chance of a connection.

I need therapists. And I like self-help groups too.

I am going to take a ten week class to be a peer specialist for the recovering mentally ill. My therapist suggested it and I LOVE to help people, being codependent (although not as badly as before). They need older folks who have been there/done that and come out all right in the end. I remember what a mess I was as a child, teen, and young adult.

When I was in the hospital for ten weeks (I put myself in because of suicidal depression), I was the kid. I can not tell you how kind t he older patients were to me. I can't tell you how much that helped. I was so scared at first. By the end of the ten weeks, I could see somebody having a psychotic episode and not be afraid, only feel badly for the person. The "depressives" were a compassionate group. We were the "normal" ones. We did not get psychotic. We were helpers to those who were sicker.

The nurses saw that I was fairly intelligent and eager to learn and let me read textbooks on psychology, which took up a lot of my time, when I could concentrate. Depression can zap your concentration. I lost myself in books and learned a lot. I talked to the other patients and learned a lot. I came out of there feeling as if this were one of the best experiences of my life, and I still feel that way. This was at a major medical center university. It was in a "bad" neighborhood, but I trusted the hospital.

I learned one more lesson. I learned what it feels like to be in the minority. Most of the patients and a good slice of staff were African-American. Some did not like me because of that, but most were kind...so kind. To this day I still get angry when people are bigoted.

"You don't know what you're talking about." That's what I think.

Of course, Sonic and Jumper are African-American. Well, Jumper is bi-racial.

I don't know why I felt the need to talk about t hat. It wasn't a bad experience. I felt validated. I took a ton of psychiatric tests, including the famous and still used MMPI test. I think it has 600 questions. When my psychiatric came to my room to give me the results, I cowered in fear. I thought he would say I had schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. I can still feel the fear now. I started to cry. I was 23.

I had not only taken the MMPI, but the famous ink blot test and that test where you had to fill in the blanks...don't know the name of that one.

He said, "You're normal."

I remember being shocked. "I am?"

"Yes, and it showed you didn't lie so the results are accurate." Something like that. They have "lie" questions to trip you up but I really wanted to know so I told the truth the best I could.Some questions were really hard to answer. You wanted to added, "Yes, but...." But you can only tick yes or no.

"You have depression, but no thought disorder."

Ok, well, duh, I knew I was depressed. I felt very relieved.

Ten weeks later I had to take the test again before I could leave and my mood came out normal.

But my struggle with depression was long and hard. I have never been medication free since then because I can't stay level without antidepressants, but that's ok. I think of it like diabetes. But it took a good ten years to find the medication combo that didn't only work 50%. This combo works about 90%.

Through the years I've received a number of diagnoses, but the consistent ones are mood disorder not otherwise specified (which used to be called bipolar II (bipolar without mania), generalized anxiety disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (mild) and panic disorder. Almost every therapist gave me these diagnoses. Starting in my 30's, the trauma issue came up, but you know...I always told them no, it was my fault, I was a bad kid, blah, blah, blah. Since my 30's that has been something my therapists bring up too, but it is newer at being recognized unless you were a war veteran.

Recognition of emotional flashbacks is fairly new.

Anyhow, there. I shared more. That's why my FOO calls me "crazy." Because I went for help and they didn't...lol.

Yet all of them needed it. None of t hem do "life" well.

Anyway, I hope you both (and anyone else reading) have a nice, peaceful day. You are strong, good people and deserve a good day!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I am going to take a ten week class to be a peer specialist for the recovering mentally ill.

I love it that you are doing this.

That's why my FOO calls me "crazy." Because I went for help and they didn't...lol.

I don't know what my diagnoses would be. I have not been prescribed medications for depression or etc.

I am sorry you went through all that, SWOT.

I have taken the MMPI or the Myers-Briggs or something. It said I should be a professor ~ that I'd answered the questions the way a professor would.

I became a nurse instead anyway, because I wanted to be of value in a real, physical way. I should have gone on for my Master's. Almost did.

Recognition of emotional flashbacks is fairly new.

That concept really helped me, SWOT. Thank you.

Anyway, I hope you both (and anyone else reading) have a nice, peaceful day. You are strong, good people and deserve a good day!

We do!

:O)

And to you too, SWOT.

I know your book club went well, Cedar. What did you bake? I love to bake, too. All of the men in my family were professional bakers and my Dad was a pastry chef on ocean liners.

I made blueberry pie squares and had them for breakfast this morning, too. Yum! Fresh cherries are ripe now, so we had a bowl of those to pass while discussing the book. We had coffee of course, and tea ordered from Baklava grand's hippie tea blending pal for the occasion.

:O)

Your father lived an interesting life, Copa! My pastry is very good, too. When we are South, my pastry and my cookies too are pasty or something. I have a hard time with my baking down there. I think it is the humidity ~ I really do. I think humidity gets into the flour and changes the way it measures. I rarely bake anymore anyway, unless one of the grands is here. We did banana bread, pumpkin pie, cinnamon rolls and doughnuts while Baklava grand was here. Then it was Book Club. I am "well-rounded" these days!!!

How much of this ennui is because I cannot find my son. Who does not, it seems, want to be with me. How do other mothers at the point I am at, come to want themselves? What are the beginning steps? Leave town?

Yes.

That would be the best thing you and M could do, Copa.

Drive away.

That is what D H did for us. He just drove me away. Alot. Sometimes, he drove himself away without me. Just to get away puts everything into perspective. We come home again more involved with ourselves. And Copa, that's how it should be.

Just drive away.

I don't want to be vulnerable. To want to be her friend made me feel exposed. What if she doesn't want to be mine? I would feel ashamed.

There is a name for this Copa ~ for when we do this to ourselves. I don't remember what it is, but it's a version of self-sabotage. It is a way to torment and condemn ourselves that works perfectly because nothing about it can be proven. We can do it over friendship, or job prospects, or appearance or thousands of other things. Brene Brown's concept of leaning in can be helpful to us when our shame bases (that is what this is) are making trouble for us. I think it is a good and positive sign that you have found someone you admire, Copa. Perhaps she admires you, as well. That is usually how it is, when we admire someone.

We learn that they are curious about us, too.

This is a positive sign of recovery, Copa!

:O)

(I wrote I am known, present tense. Obviously that cannot stand, because I have no family anymore)

You will always have family, Copa. Each of us is here on purpose. How we came to be as we are has to do with our families of origin. What we do with that has to do with us. Each of us will go from this time when we shared and healed and grew to create the family we need around us. The family we need ~ not the family who needs to destroy us.

It's only a matter of time now, Copa.

I am happy that you wondered about forming a friendship, that you are thinking in this way. That is huge, Copabanana.

:O)

All of the weight is pure blubber. I disgust myself.

Well, there was something on FB the other day that showed a woman of means ~ meaning someone very well endowed on the bottom ~ walking away in slow motion. Jiggling, jiggling. There were men just fascinated with watching that bottom. Both grands wish their bottoms were bigger. It is all about the bottom these days, Copa. I think they go in and have fat suctioned from their waists and BOOM. It was not a muscular bottom. It moved like water.

Disgust is a good place to work from, Copa. That would be your mom, probably?

It was hurtful for you to take care of her. I'm sorry, Copa.

It was the right thing to do. You did it. That does not mean she gets to (or that your sister gets to) reach into your heart and squeeze the lifeblood out of you. You did do the right thing, Copa. Your sister would have victimized the mother further, it sounds like, had you not stepped in and stood up for her.

You did the right things, though they were hard things.

Now, you need to heal and learn to cherish and take good care of Copa.

(Do you hear the difference in the natures of your posts, Copa? You are coming through this beautifully! Very proud and happy for you.)

If you and M were to get in the car and go Copa ~ or if you were to go on your own ~ where would you go for the weekend? Where, for a week or a month?

No one even dresses for travel, anymore. A totally stress-free experience these days. I wear a black dress and black leggings, sparkly sandals, sunglasses, hair in every direction.

Earrings.

Fresh pedicure.

Off we go.

:O)

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

I wear a black dress and black leggings, sparkly sandals, sunglasses, hair in every direction.

Earrings.

Fresh pedicure.

Off we go.

This is big time dressing up for me...lol. I don't even own a dress or earrings Bet you look nice.

 

[BusynMember]

I have taken the MMPI or the Myers-Briggs or something. It said I should be a professor ~ that I'd answered the questions the way a professor would.

the MMPI test, which you can find out about by searching, has nothing to do with your career. It's strictly a psychological test and it's very intensive. It takes a lot of people a few days to finish, but I enjoyed taking the test (as psychology fascinates me) so I had it done in a few hours. All the answers are simply "yes" or "no." There is no dialogue or writing.

One lady, who I think was schizophrenic and not very educated, asked me if I'd take her test for her!!! That sure surprised me. I told her that if I took the test, it would tell about ME, not HER.

I am not sorry I was in the hospital. It is on my list of one of the best experiences I've had and very strong learning experience too. That was back in the day when you could actually stay in a hospital, for any reason, until you were actually well. It's not like that now. Psychiatric hospitals, and almost all other kinds, are drive-by hospitals due to big changes in insurance.

Depression was not new to me. Part of the reason I threw tantrums and talked back and was a "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad" kid was because I was so depressed. I was also very phobic and always afraid I was sick. My childhood was such a horrible mess as was my teens a nd 20's. I look back and it doesn't even seem as if that were me. I am 100% better than then.

I am going to see Super-Therapist in 1 1/2 hrs. I so enjoy seeing her. I l like her on top of feeling she is very helpful. Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? I am thinking of having her do it. I need to do more research.

Rather than fearing therapy and therapists, I'm one of those folks who feels the psychiatric community saved my life; in fact gave me a life I would not have had without them. I value them very much.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

This is big time dressing up for me...lol. I don't even own a dress or earrings Bet you look nice.

Ha! I do (and smell pretty good too) until: The cat poops in her carrier twenty minutes into the trip and I clean that out in the rain at the next rest stop while D H walks the dog in the rain with no umbrella. Until we: Pull over into another rest stop late that night to grab a few hours sleep, crack the windows because of the aforementioned dog (now wet) and the cat. The time that happened? We were so tired and slept so soundly for those few hours that we were a good hour down the road before we realized it must have rained right on us through those cracked open windows while we were sleeping.

And we both were soaking wet.

Even when we don't get rained on? By the time we finally get home, we look just terrible.

Once or twice, in addition to the dog and the cat, we brought our goldfish in a huge pickle jar.

We brought a straw so we could blow oxygen into his water if he needed emergency resuscitation.

He did fine.

That is why I wear the black dress. Doesn't show the dirt. Take the leggings off when we get to warmer weather, or put them on, with black socks and a hoodie, if we are heading North.

We got this all planned out.

Cedar

There is a certain restaurant where we have breakfast every year when we come North. You can imagine how we look and smell by that time. We will have been on the road something like 24 hours with 8 hours to go. The restaurant is in Northern farm country. The farmers pull their hats down and peek out the sides of their morning papers at us like they've never seen two rained-on people who smell like wet dog eat eggs, before.

For heaven's sake.

:O)

I feel very heavy today. Like plodding heavy. Like wheezing heavy. Like life is over, heavy.

As I have confronted and cleared so many things over the past few weeks, I found myself dreaming of, and finding unexpected imagery of, and almost seeming to feel myself carrying, a burden. In the past week, that sense of burden seems to have gone steady state, but the week before that ~ maybe even two weeks before ~ that sense and imagery of burden, of whether it might be a cross or a burlap sack or just what it might look and feel like, was very strong.

I am still carrying whatever it is. Suffering of some kind, some heavy something that is not me, not mine, and yet it is.

But the toxicity in the hearts of our families was (or is) the engine driving contempt and abuse.

We absorbed that, too.

To go back to SWOT's article on rigidity and flexibility as the barometers for healthy or for dysfunctional families: Rigidity is a symptom of dysfunction. It was this rigidity of outlook, this certainty that grace would not be extended, that mercy would never be given, that ended in rage and frustrated striking out at what was visible of the hated self. A generational system. It was as though, and it feels as though, I am working with, am taking apart the chemical bonds of, the accepted emotional states prevalent in my family of origin.

These are deep-rooted feeling states having to do with family identity, having to do with the feeling states and with the stories passed down. Some heavy, burdensome thing. As I have done with the other feelings and with the other imagery as it came up, I am simply staying present.

I expect to come through it very changed.

I wonder whether this is something similar to what you are freeing, Copa?

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

guess what, ladies??? I just got back from my psychologist and she thinks I'm ready for EMDR. After I read about it, I'll let you know what it is...lol.

Great session today where I got to talk about if I'm a good person or a bad person.

She asked me who says I am a bad person. Me or somebody else.

I said my entire FOO except my father. Especially my mother did and my sister and brother.

She asked me if anyone else thought I was a bad person besides them.

I told them no, not even my ex husband.

But I told her I still feel bad and good.

I asked her if I was borderline because my sister is shouting it to the heavens, and I always believe I'm something bad.

She actually burst out laughing and said, "No way are you borderline. You sister can say it but it's not true."

I left feeling good, with a pamphlet in my hand about EMDR. I wll read it and check it on the internet. I have skimmed over articles about it before and it had interested me. But I didn't bring it up to her. She brought it up to me.

Just as I left she told me something that Ifind empowering:

You own your stuff and let others own theirs. Don't own theirs too."

I laughed and told her I always own everybody's stuff and make it my own.

She told me that is the codependency in me.

It probably is. If somebody else does something wrong, in my heart of hearts, I feel it is my fault, even if they do it to me.

Anyhow, she puts things in perspective really well, much more than a plain therapist, and I am feeling very good about me right now.

Sending these "feeling good" vibes to anybody reading this!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I am still carrying whatever it is. Suffering of some kind, some heavy something that is not me, not mine, and yet it is.

But the toxicity in the hearts of our families was (or is) the engine driving contempt and abuse.

We absorbed that, too.

I realize I'm still pumped from my therapy session, but I realized today that we do not need to own the toxicity of anyone else. We own our own stuff, not our mother's, not our sister's, not our brother's, our aunt's, our kidssing cousin's...THEY own it, whether they accept responsibility for their own crapola or not. It is their own, not ours. What we do that is wrong we can fix and offer amends for. And others can chose to accept or reject our offering. But we do not need to make amends or to own anything that was done to us. What others did to hurt ourselves or others...that is their dirty laundry.

At any rate, Operation Oblivion is going well and doing my stress and life a lot of good.

 

[Copabanana]

I have taken the MMPI or the Myers-Briggs or something. It said I should be a professor

The profession I was most highly correlated with was California Prison Inmate. In college I took a psychology class in Personality Assessment. We took the CPI, California Personality Inventory, which was correlated with professions. I missed the day when the results were explained but picked up the test.

So, I went 2/3 of my life with that stigma. Except I kinda thought it was cool to be a closet sociopath. Until I had to face the truth. I was also correlated highly with Artist, which shares with prison inmates a disregard for conventional norms, and a willingness to break with them.

I became a nurse instead anyway, because I wanted to be of value in a real, physical way.

Before I went to graduate school I went for kicks to a Vocational Counselor at the university from which I had gotten my BA and took a battery of tests. The counselor was horrified at my professional goal which he felt I was completely unsuited for. I cried, because I really was dead set on my goal.

I think he said I should have been an Air Force Colonel or a CEO. There is nobody who is less suited to these posts than am I. Especially in my prison inmate guise.

We did banana bread, pumpkin pie, cinnamon rolls and doughnuts while Baklava grand was here.

Delicious. I never made donuts. Cake or raised?

blueberry pie squares

Delicious. I will look online for a recipe.

shame bases

Interesting, Cedar. I will Google this after I look up Blueberry Pie Squares. I have my priorities.

I think they go in and have fat suctioned from their waists

That is where I have my fat. And the chest area.

Do you hear the difference in the natures of your posts, Copa? You are coming through this beautifully! Very proud and happy for you.

Thank you. But I do not see what you see.

where would you go for the weekend? Where, for a week or a month?

We have all kinds of camping and fishing gear. We live by beautiful mountains. There is a meadow with several rivers running through. 2 hours away. We have never been but I would go there for a weekend or a week.

Neither M or I is a confident driver. But we both love the train. If we had a care plan for the animals, we would go across country to a big, industrial City near New York City.

If we could figure out how to go there with 2 dogs and a cat, we would bring them with us. We are dependent upon either the plane or somebody driving us. And we know nobody in this part of the country. It is hard to figure out the logistics. We want to stay there throughout a winter so we can see if we can tolerate the climate. I know I can. It is M who is concerned, because he comes from a place that is perpetually spring. The idea behind this city is that it is close to NYC. There would be a lot of incentive to leave the house.

That is where we would go. M cannot leave the country. If he could, we would go to Mexico to help his parents.

Thank you for asking, Cedar.

However much I like to travel internationally, I do not want to leave without M. Maybe I will at some point, but not now. No matter how ambivalent I sometimes feel, he is my security.

sparkly sandals

Cedar, what are these like? With a heel or flat? I cannot imagine sparkly sandals with socks? Or do you change your shoes when it gets cold?

Once or twice, in addition to the dog and the cat, we brought our goldfish in a huge pickle jar.

We brought a straw so we could blow oxygen into his water if he needed emergency resuscitation.

Cedar, I love this image. Now if you can figure out how we can travel with 3 I would be grateful.

We have moved with 2 animals and stayed in motels, until we got situated, but 3 seems
like too much. And then we are worried about the climate, because our dogs are used to being outside a lot. We do not know if East Coast dogs go outside when it is cold. And with Romeo's bathroom problem, it could be uncomfortable for all.

Operation Oblivion is going well

Great, SWOT. I am still checking my sister's house on Zillow. She lowered the price 25k. I'll stop looking when she sells it.

Thank you, ladies. You both sound upbeat and content. And I am glad of it.

SWOT, what little I know about EMDR is good. Especially in overcoming trauma.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The profession I was most highly correlated with was California Prison Inmate.

That's not a profession. Prison Inmate?!? Are you an artist then, Copa?

Delicious. I never made donuts. Cake or raised?

Raised. Baklava grand wanted cinnamon rolls. I started the dough, but realized we didn't have enough flour. So...doughnuts it was.

Then, we got more flour. And made cinnamon rolls the next day. Rich with pecans. Yum!

Delicious. I will look online for a recipe.

Pastry:

2 1/2 c flour
1 t salt

1 c shortening

1 egg yolk, beaten
2/3 c ice water
1 1/2 T vinegar or lemon juice

Mix flour and salt. Cut shortening in in two increments; this will give a flaky, tender crust. Stir yolk, vinegar or lemon juice and water together. Add to flour-shortening mixture 1 T at a time, pressing fluid into flour-shortening mixture with tines of a dinner fork. Form into ball, wrap in plastic, and refrigerate 30 minutes to allow dough to come together, and to solidify shortening pieces for flakiness. (I used half butter when I made this. Tasty, but hardened the pastry. I prefer it with shortening.)

So, here is the difference between apple (or blueberry) pie squares and pie: This is easier. Press half the dough into bottom only of aluminum-lined broiler pan or 12 x 18 baking dish or pan. Fill with blueberry or apples. roll out top crust in sections and place atop filling. No need to crimp edges or any of that. Brush with beaten egg white. Sprinkle with white sugar.

Bake 375 20 minutes, 350 30 minutes.

Drizzle with confectioner's frosting.

The filling would be typical apple or blueberry pie filling. I used frozen berries.

6 c berries
3/4 c sugar
6 T flour
1 t cinnamon
1/2 t salt

2 T butter

It was very tasty! Easy to make, and very pretty, because the filling bubbles up between the pieces of pastry on top.

I've made pastry with vodka, too. Theory is that vodka evaporates, making a lighter, flakier pastry. I went back to my traditional dough. The vinegar or lemon juice and egg make a delicious pastry.

:O)

Now you won't need to look online. If you do, go to allrecipes.com. That is the site Lil found the baklava recipe on. I use it often, now.

I will Google this after I look up Blueberry Pie Squares. I have my priorities.

:O)

Cedar, what are these like? With a heel or flat? I cannot imagine sparkly sandals with socks? Or do you change your shoes when it gets cold?

They are flip flops with thicker bottoms. Like, two inches thick, and sculpted to the foot. The straps are hot pink sequins, or flashy silver beads. Ha! Copa, what funny questions! Actually, I bring leopard-spotted bedroom slippers and switch into those with black socks for the northern part of the journey. Warmth, comfort, and no one sees my feet except the newspaper-reading farmers when we stop for breakfast.

I believe they find us quite exotic. I hope they do. We find them very exotic, too.

I love it.

:O)

Cedar, I love this image. Now if you can figure out how we can travel with 3 I would be grateful.

We have moved with 2 animals and stayed in motels, until we got situated, but 3 seems
like too much. And then we are worried about the climate, because our dogs are used to being outside a lot. We do not know if East Coast dogs go outside when it is cold. And with Romeo's bathroom problem, it could be uncomfortable for all.

When we began making that trek (it's something like 1,800 miles), we used to stop in motels, too. It was about a thousand times worse than staying in the car. We would have to load and unload cat box and food for both and walk the dog in bad neighborhoods.

Then?

We started hearing about bedbugs and we never stayed in a hotel again.

We are dirty one day and boom! Home.

What we do Copa is line the backseat with pillows for the dog. The cat is in her carrier. When we stop, someone walks the dog and feeds and waters the cat. I think you could do it with three dogs. Harnesses and leashes for them, and a big pickle jar of ice cubes that will turn into water in the car for them. When we stop along the way, we refill the jar of ice for the dog and the cat to have fresh, cold water. We have a cooler with salami and provolone and olives and ciabatta bread for us. Celery and carrots and crunchy things like that, to keep us awake at night. We stop at buffets for dinner and breakfast so we don't have to worry about bad road food. We go on their sites (Golden Buffet, for instance) and print out the location and phone number of each restaurant along our route. Then, as we approach, we call ahead for directions.

Yum on the road!

We pick up fried chicken at the last big city on the way home and that is what we have for dinner once we get there.

Now you know.

:O)

I hope you two do a road trip. It shakes us right out of the roles we take on in our lives to be all dirty and wild-haired, and to be living in anticipation of the next rest stop or bathroom. Accents change, styles of clothing and food change as you drive from one area of the country to the next. I love Georgia and Tennessee and Kentucky. So beautiful, and the people are invariably kind and are wonderful cooks.

***

SWOT, you are so loving and enthusiastic about your therapist. I love that for you! I will look up that kind of therapy you mentioned.

I love it that she said you were not any of those things your sister said. Now it's official!

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

I love it that she said you were not any of those things your sister said. Now it's official!

Cedar

Thanks, Cedar. It won't stop her. She says those things mostly to be mean. When we talked about her, my therapist said what I said, but again it is nice to be validated. She told me that the shame I feel about being cut off AGAIN was her shame, not mine. I didn't do anything except set a boundary about her idiot boyfriend and tell the truth about my disappointment that neither she nor my brother ever once stuck up for me with my mother, as I would have done for them. I didn't even say I expected them to do it. I said it was their choice, but that it put an elephant in the room each time we had contact. And it did. For me, it was always there.

At any rate, she asked me what I got out of the relationship and I had to admit and say, well, she's funny sometimes and that's about it. She has never been there for me. Or tried to. It has to be a two way street. I did try to be there for her, but I truly don't believe she knows how to be there for anybody. Not like she's going to scream at everyone, or cheat them out of their money, or anything obvious. But she just won't offer putting herself out in any way. And if you have any angst about anything, you are a victim.


Yet she played the victim well with her boyfriend. In one of the last posts I read before stopping my silliness at reading her forum, she said, "I wonder what I did to deserve this." She meant her boyfriend.

But I know. She allows it. She could stop it. She won't stop it. She can't stop it. She's terrified to be alone and even he will do. This isn't how her divorcing her husband was supposed to turn out. She was supposed to meet Mr. Perfect. But she has met a few nice guys and she discards them for Mr. Wrong. It doesn't feel right, I guess, for her to be with somebody who will be good to her. Typical Adult Child of an abusive childhood. Yet she denies we had t his. Or s he blames our father. It's like she can't/won't see that our mother ran the show and caused damage to all of us.

Operation Oblivion will continue forever. My therapist is right. There is nothing in this relationship for me that is positive and I did try. But if I can't be honest, then to me it's no relationship at all.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

"Round and round and round it goes and where it lands nobody knows."

I feel this way about Bart's situation. No matter how t he judge rules, he can work it out so he can still have his son 50% of the time. It will be inconvenient and difficult, but it can be done. I told him, "You can do it. Don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet."

This is good imagery for me, SWOT. Thanks!

So, on this phase of my journey, I am examining the emotional feel of FOO, and of myself. I too am anxious or worried or anticipating and trying to be prepared in advance of the crisis, whatever direction it comes from. I think that we each may choose a new feeling tone now, for our lives and for this time. We are aware now of the music and scents and colors of our lives, past, present, and future, if that is an easier way to see it. We have the concept "emotional flashback". This has been a priceless concept for me to have. To be able to identify the feelings and simply sift through them, identifying the source, finding the connection to now.

In a way, emotional flashback is a direct line to trauma and to clearing it.

Though there are many beautiful memories too, having to do with snow and kittens and my grandmother's wood stove, I would describe childhood as Jack in the Box.

A grinding kind of music, someone else turning the crank and then, something awful and scary and seemingly without meaning. Or the feel of the circus, when the clowns are known to be bad but the popcorn smells good and the Ferris wheels are flashing and turning and the rollercoaster roars.

That calliope music, the colors all a little garish.

Funhouse mirrors where we see distorted versions of ourselves.

So, what would be the music, what would be the scent and the colors, or the feeling tone, of now?

Something rich; the scent of cinnamon, and of pastry and baking and thick, hearty soups. Perfume, and hot, steamy water, the heat soaking right into our bones.

A flash of brilliant color, on the toes.

A beautifully crafted music box, perhaps. Maybe that is the sound of this time. Intentional music; intentional time and rhythm and openness. A kind of sweetness, in that.

Or a concert pianist; fire and passion and intensity and recognition and sharing and thunderous joy and then, silence before applause, all of it, shared. Smiling, and sincerity and deep gratitude for all of it, all of it.

Sparkly sandals and earrings and flashy toenails and scent.

Sun ~ a boat roaring across the water! Sails, flapping and snapping in the wind. The moon, the waves gentle, the sound of water over sand.

Birdsong.

The theme music from Rocky; Leonard Cohen's "Halleluiah" ~ the triumph and the truth in it. Enya. The Eagles. Simon and Garfunkel ~ I have been listening to them, lately.

Aretha.

Maya.

Furniture polish, and the scent of a man, and waking up next to D H.

Right this minute, the cat purring beside me, whiskers and beautiful, green eyes.

The dog, barking and flashing his eyes at us and demanding treats and sleeping late and making the Chucky move with D H over morning walks.

Flowers.

We have so many flowers, here. Tulips and daffodils and iris and peonies and hostas. Many apple trees that D H planted. In the Fall, apples and pies and apple squares and water, always water and the crisp northern air, cedar scented here.

Rock fireplace, and the magic of home.

Hummingbirds.

An eagle, rising over the lake with a fish in its talons.

Ducks, ducklings; the sound of loons calling for rain.

Cedar

This is different, for me. Always before, for so many years, the scents and the sounds were of loneliness. When would the kids come, how long would they stay, what would I cook, where would everyone sleep, were they alright. That whole mess with my family or origin, attention diverted from Now.

Now I feel home. Waiting for right now, right this Now. Savoring would be a good descriptor for this time. Savoring especially the times of emotional flashback, and following them to their roots, to their genesis. Awareness that there are different choices to be made about how to see, and about how to be myself. Maybe, I would describe this as a time of welcoming into me rather than preparing, always preparing, for that family dinner.

So many birds, this morning. The sound of so many birds, calling and singing.

SWOT, loving her therapist and so strong and happy now. That matters, too. Copa, and M, and something so strong and dramatic, there. Salsa and steam heat; flashing eyes and rich, rich, laughter.

I see you so differently than you do, Copa.

The Benedictines; Richard Rohr, Francis of Assisi.

Francis, and Jesus and Buddha and the Vietnamese monk. Esther from Jerusalem, and so I know that little piece about the world we are in; how we live, and how we cherish our lives, all of us. I remember Esther's story about going to the market, about the wonder of living a life in the shadow of it all.

***

So, what are the scents and colors and sounds of life now, SWOT and Copa. If we see and smell and feel for our lives this way, we become present in our new way of seeing and savoring.

I had been sad about my FOO. I had been longing for something that never was. Nostalgia, so they say, is an interesting illusion. Something about it being a distillation of haunted desires, and that we wish for things that never were.

Still, nostalgia can be a beautiful thing.

That would be the difference for me, now. I am no longer preparing, longing for, that dinner.

Ring of crystal.

Pretty sound.

 

[Copabanana]

Cedar, if you have a chance can you visit the thread I started on PE. My son told me he got stabbed.

Fill with blueberry or apples.

Have you ever used frozen berries? About how much fruit?Thank you for the recipe, Cedar. I use ALLRECIPES too, and went there last night. None of the recipes looked all that good. Thank you.

Are you an artist then, Copa?

I have artistic talent and lots of supplies. Have only taken a few classes and saw myself making it a vocation. About 9 years ago before I went back to work is when I started. And then again after my Mother died.

For the time I was doing the art right after my Mother died, I was OK. Content. I put the feelings into the work, waking up bursting to start work and working into the night. I loved that time. I could not sustain it, though.

If I could just get through this bad time, there is so much I want to do. I love to go to school. I would think about art school. And so much more. Dance, etc.

The straps are hot pink sequins, or flashy silver beads

How cute.

I hope you two do a road trip. It shakes us right out of the roles we take on in our lives

Driving is among our biggest issues. I became terrified to drive on freeways about 10 years ago, of merging and then of trucks. I have not driven on a freeway in 5 years. M is a backseat driver and drives me nuts, even in town. He gives orders.

And I do not trust his driving one bit. He is not too swift on freeways either. And there is the issue of his legally driving, which he cannot do outside of the state in which we live.

So, there would be a lot to overcome to take a road trip. Which I would love to do.

Conceivably I could overcome my fear of driving. But how could I stop M giving me orders? He is impossible. And it is dangerous.

I would love to drive with confidence again in my life. I was always so foot loose and fancy free. Drove everywhere. I love to go. And go and go. It is strange to be almost agoraphobic now.

Thank you, Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I realized today that we do not need to own the toxicity of anyone else. We own our own stuff, not our mother's, not our sister's, not our brother's, our aunt's, our kidssing cousin's...THEY own it, whether they accept responsibility for their own crapola or not. It is their own, not ours. What we do that is wrong we can fix and offer amends for. And others can chose to accept or reject our offering. But we do not need to make amends or to own anything that was done to us. What others did to hurt ourselves or others...that is their dirty laundry.

I had to edit that post quickly. I think D H was waiting or someone came to the door or whatever it was.

What I meant was...a feeling state. We learn how to feel from our families of origin. We learn whether depression or anger or loud laughing or slinking around hiding or taking the limelight is the way we should respond to our ~ well, to our emotional flashbacks, say. To whatever that thing is that sets us (me) to trying to set things right. That is the feeling, the set of underlying emotional conclusions that had value for me in my family of origin.

How else could I happily get up early as a teen to make everyone breakfast every day, tossing in fresh sweet rolls once or twice weekly? (This was before those sweet rolls that come in the pop open can.) And I made pancakes and french toast and eggs and oatmeal (not in the same meal). And I made every dinner, too.

And I cleaned immaculately and did laundry and ironed for six people.

How that happened, how I acclimated to that, what that means for me now, who else, what other feeling tone I might have come to feel familiar with ~ that is the kind of thing I am thinking about, wondering about.

It must have taken self discipline to do that, but I did it ~ and cheerfully so. I imagine I was helping my mother to be happy, I suppose. Sort of taking the burden away and helping things run smoothly...but I wonder who else I might have been. What would it have meant to have devoted those energies to my own interests?

What I know as compassion, that sort of scenting the air to learn what is really happening ~ I learned that, there. I see other people who are centered in themselves. They unabashedly recenter on themselves, feel themselves to be at the center of the circle, never really consider how the other person is ~ how the whole person, every one of the people in the room, are feeling, like I do.

I do that automatically.

I wonder what it is like to be centered in my own center rather than striving to create whatever ambiance there is to be created out of whatever situation I am in.

Though I will say that letting go of those things has resulted in some pretty crummy dinners and a house not immaculately clean and dirty windows, even. And where I once was so centered on the house and the yard and whether everything was clean and whether the flowers needed dead-heading and etc, I haven't been doing that, this year.

I haven't been doing it at the other house, either.

I have been like, some eternally cheerful nutcase, keeping everything spotless and feeling like it isn't quite perfect enough for all of my life. The last thing I do before Happy Hour is dress and put on makeup.

Sometimes lately?

I haven't even put on makeup for Happy Hour.

And sometimes?

I have even been late for Happy Hour, which D H doesn't like. But I am not particularly fond of that whole Happy Hour idea.

Shhh!

That is a secret.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I got my PhD when I was 45 or so.

Oh, good for you! I am impressed that you hold a doctorate. That's great, Copa. I will immediately begin using bigger words.

Erudite.

There you go.

:O)

You will have developed such depth and empathy Copa, by the time we all are through this. I knew all along you could not have been a California Prison Inmate.

Cedar, if you have a chance can you visit the thread I started on PE. My son told me he got stabbed.

I have been already, Copa. I was horrified to hear of it.

Have you ever used frozen berries? About how much fruit?

I use frozen berries routinely. 4 cups for pie, 6 cups for pie squares. Use a little less sugar, and double the amount of flour for thickening you would use if you were making apple pie.

I think I included the recipe for filling in the earlier thread, Copa.

Just read down a little further.

If I could just get through this bad time, there is so much I want to do. I love to go to school. I would think about art school. And so much more. Dance, etc.

Me, too. I have a friend who determined to learn Spanish. She started about eight years ago and speaks it now flawlessly. The first years, she took classes and listened to tapes and so on. Once she knew passable Spanish, she visited friends in Mexico without her D H for three months at a time to immerse herself in the language and culture.

Photography I would like to learn. Japanese. Ballet again. Not so much karate, since that little guy gave me those rib chops. Did I tell everyone about that? There is a little boy in my karate class who gave me rib chops. I mean he punched me repeatedly right in the center of my chest.

?!?

I am like, the age of his grandma. He is not supposed to be hitting me, even if it is karate class. So I will either have to find a karate class with only adults or concentrate on Tai Chi and yoga.

***

I find I am letting go of those angry feelings I was experiencing all around every family of origin issue. I am learning that subtle kind of questing for emotional reality through...comparing energy fields, for lack of a clearer term. I think this part will be like resetting an emotional, or self concept, or response state thermostat. I am modeling for that feeling on strong women. Gloria Steinem would be a good model. Intelligent, honest, steady state. To feel the difference in her in comparison to myself is an interesting thing; I see where I hold myself in contempt instead of considering that I may have valid points to make in a serious manner.

Maya will be a great model, of course. I love the laughter in Maya.

So it will be the same women I chose to witness for me as we plowed through repressed energies, then.

Good. I like them.

:O)

Copa, you know what I might do if we were limited to where we could drive? I might go lie around on the porch in the night with D H, so I could see the stars and hear the birds as the sun comes up. Or pitch a tent in the yard. (We cannot do that here. We have a bear. He (or she) has taken down our hummingbird feeder twice this year. He is due back any time. Someone told us bears need a range of 500 miles. So that must be where he (or she) goes between hummingbird feeder attacks. We had so many seed feeders out when we first moved here, with little white lights and etc and the bear came through and devastated those. He has never bothered the hummingbird feeder before.

Poor thing.

It must be very hungry.

They are bigger than you might think. Way bigger than they look in books.
It is a black bear, not a grizzly.

Where was I going with this.

Or bring pretty clothes and go to a fancy hotel for a few days.

I might do something like that. D H and I have done that with the kids, when they were little. We would go to Embassy Suites in the middle of winter and feel just like we'd been on vacation.

Conceivably I could overcome my fear of driving. But how could I stop M giving me orders? He is impossible. And it is dangerous.

Ha! That is how D H is. So am I. So I have to crochet or read and never look at the highway or by the time we arrived at our destination, neither of us would be speaking to the other. One time? I was driving and D H was trying to get comfortable and knocked the car into neutral right on the freeway.

Two times he did that, I think.

Cedar

 

[InsaneCdn]

One time? I was driving and D H was trying to get comfortable and knocked the car into neutral right on the freeway.

Which was his indirect way of saying that the only way he is comfortable with you in the driver's seat is if the car is in neutral?

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, I totally refuse to drive with my husband in the car. He has to drive. He is a horrible back seat driver.

I still drive. Just not with him as a passenger

 

[Copabanana]

Hi, Copabanana!



How are plans coming along for the move?

Cedar

Hi Everybody, especially Cedar, SWOT, and IC

I moved this over from that other thread.

OK I checked airfares and for all of us (2 dogs and 1 cat and 2 humans) to fly looks like the same price as driving, factoring in the cost of restaurants, motels and gas. I almost rear-ended somebody today so the idea that I can drive cross country is not looking that realistic. I would prefer driving but there is nobody to do it.

I am feeling old so I checked the area where I want to go in terms of desirability for the elderly. Looking long-term. It is #2 nationally. Where I am is around #250 or #300 nationally. Like 50 percent of the people don't even have cars.

M is completely behind the idea. He can't wait, actually. He is so despairing about what is happening with his family. I told you about the evil sister talking his father into signing a power of attorney so she could take the house.

He is already thinking of what I should do with the property here, after we have established that we like the new area. I panicked. I do not want to leave my house altogether. Even if there is nothing here, I love my house.

Pretty soon I will start trying to train the two dogs to go to the bathroom on a schedule. Echo wrote that she lives in a big city and she takes them on walks 2x to 3x a day. Our dogs can go out whenever they ask, so that is something we need to anticipate.

I am catching up on medical stuff which I let go for the past few years.

I am trying to get the house organized, because I still am working on consolidating my mother's things.

That's a lot, I think. For one day.

I am beginning to think it will be a reality. There is a place on AIRBNB which is in a good area and will allow the pets, where we can stay up to one month while we look for a place. The drawback is that it is a studio, but it is across from a giant park and here is a yard. I haven't asked if we can use the yard, but I assume so, and will check it out. Better than a motel, I think.

We have stayed in motels with 1 dog and 1 cat. It was not fun.

That is my progress report. If everyday I do some, we will be able to leave by Oct 1, I think. That is the earliest point that the studio is available.

Thank you for asking.

I had Public Radio on while I was doing my errands today. There were programs on the rights of parents to reject vaccinations and also a short discussion about legalizing right to life injections here in my State.

The right to have a humane way to die is opposed by many disability rights organizations on the basis that pressures to keep costs down might lead people to euthanize the elderly and disabled.

We were under a great deal of pressure to let my mother go at the end. I had never been through a dying process before. I felt that as long as there were medical interventions that could reverse my mother's condition, and she could express that she wanted to live, that I could not deny her treatment that might prolong her life.

To have done so felt as if I was deciding life or death, which I at the time, thought was wrong.

But, of course, she did die. I think about it a lot, if knowing she would die, I would have chosen differently. I do not think so.

Until the hours right before my mother died, my mother lived fully. I guess there is my answer. I would not have chose differently. Even if I had known the outcome. She died on hospice, but only 24 hours into the process. And I requested all of the morphine she would have needed, when it became clear to me that the dying process had begun.

How personal is dying, for the individual and family. It is a shame, that there is not more ritual or support in our society to honor this process. If I had a different temperament, perhaps I would want to do work in this area. I am not equipped, I do not think. But it is a thought.

Thank you again.

PS I am now going to write a little bit about vaccinations. In my state there is a battle going between parents' rights to decide about vaccinations and public health and patients' rights groups representing the public interest, the elderly, ill and infants who cannot be vaccinated and thus are vulnerable if parents do not vaccinate their children.

I find the both of these medical ethical questions fascinating and I find myself to be inconsistent in terms of where I stand. With vaccinations I think I stand to protect the general public and not the individual right. With right to die, I am against that. I would never have believed I would take that position, but I do. Dolores Huerta, the organizer who worked with Cesar Chavez is a proponent of what they call, dying with dignity. And one of the benefits they site is economic, that the economic burden of illness presents a burden on families. That frightens me. On the other hand, I do believe in death with dignity. But if it is a family member that is deciding for me, I do not think it is dignified, to be killed off. What do you all think?

 

[BusynMember]

Copa, hi again and hope you are feeling great bout the move! Good for you!

Copa, I used to be a news junkie, but a few years ago I found that the news only depressed me. To say Im disappointed in the way our country is headed, is an understatement, but there is nothing I can do about it. I decided, f or me, to leave the state of the country to the young and to stop watching the news, chatting on my politics forum, or reading about what is going on in the country and world. Yes, I willfully chose to bury my head in the sand both because I feel our country is going backwards, not forward, and I can't change that and because it upsets me and it's out of my control. I used to have strong opinions, but there are two sides to every story, and I gave up investing emotion in things that get the heart pumping while I can not do anything about it. As a kid, I worked for presidents and aired my views on a politics channel...it was quite fun until the country turned so reactive, in my own opinion, that it scared me. If my governor, Scott Walker, can be a viable candidate for President, I really think the rest of the world is leaping ahead of us in all areas and we are falling behind. I try to stick to issues that I can control. I was a big NPR fan once. I don't listen to it anymore.


Boy, I've really become boring.

But all I want is peace and am removing any stressors in my life that I can remove. I've been doing this for at least two years now. I don't think about the world. God help me, I don't CARE about politics, issues, and the world because the decisions made are by insane people. To me, you have to be half mad to think you are great enough to make decisions for an entire country. So laws of the land become about the individual person's feelings, and most of them are very rich, and not about the best interests of the mainstream people and it's our fault too because t he rich vote and the middle class vote less and the poor vote even less...or there would be no tea party, which I feel is very racist, christian, and backwards. I don't like religion in politics. I don't like racism. But I can't control either so I ignore. There is nothing I can do about it. The right to die? Another issue I have no control over.

For me, this is a coping skill that has worked quite well to relieve a lot of my stress. One on one, I can help others. I can do nice things for the needy in person. But the big picture is out of my control. I am taking the same stand I take on difficult siblings. Oblivion.

I'm sure I sound very shallow, but at this point in my life I want to focus only on the prettiness of life, and the news and NPR don't show this. In fact there is a lack of good news on the news and the news is becoming entertainment. It's not even factual anymore. Debates on hot button issues? I leave them foro those who have control, just don't tell me the results. I am hibernating, thank you.

The only way I will voice my objections are during elections in which I do what I thought I'd never do...vote straight down the line for one party only, knowing it stands for more of what I do then the other one. That's it. I can vote so I vote. Then I go back into my peaceful world where the horrors outside can't touch me.

If I could have seen how the country would turn out in my later years, I would have packed up my young family and moved to Canada. Yes, I know it's not perfect, but it is much, much, much closer to my feelings of how a society should be than the U.S. is.

If my kids didn't all live in the Midwest, I'd consider trying to retire in Mexico. It's very cheap and there are American communities there, which of course you know.

But it is what it is and there are lots of disturbing issues going on and being debated in the U.S. and I blush for some of the people who are in charge of our country. How the rest of the world must rightfully laugh at us!!!! I'd laugh too if I heard stuff like "In a rape a woman's body shuts down..." No other country would CONSIDER electing such an ignorant man to office. So I prefer my hole and not knowing what is going on because I can't control it.

I am fortunate that my husband has no interest in the news either. My friend's husband turns the news on all the time and she doesn't want to hear it either. For some reason, although he is a union man and liberal, he keeps Fox News on and it makes his wife cringe. If she told him to turn the channel, he would as he doesn't like to distress her. But she wants to let him listen to whatever he wants and I agree with her. But I'd hate to have that blaring in my house all the time. I'd have to buy ear plugs...lol.

Anyhow, my opinion is I have no opinion and, of cousre, have not given it much thought because it is an unpleasant subject and a potentially scary one that I have no control over.

Sorry I can't be more intellectually stimulating company and hope you have a great day thinking about your new life

Thinks are good here. Oblivion is working really well. Cedar, hope you check in today. I miss you w hen you don't check in.