How Can He Ignore This
- Thread starter WSM
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BusynMember
Well-Known Member
She's probably sick of hearing from me too...lol...but I worry a lot about her and her kids. I think abusers are pretty much psychopaths. Plus this kid is unsafe to animals and plays with fire--two big red flags. He has no remorse. What is one who abuses people and animals if not a sociopath? He is very controlling and calculating about what he does too.
I don't think his behavior will stop if you leave. I think he will continue to steal, get into fights, lie and abuse with daddy's blessing. He may sexual perp too--a big fear of mine--but we talked about how you can try to protect your stepdaughter from afar. Kids perp on their own sex too--and that could be your son.
I think it's a good idea to make plans, but I wouldn't take too long to do it. This child isn't getting any younger or any less dangerous. He is one of the most disturbed and dangerous kids I've read about here in all my years on the board and easily has the father most willing to pretend he's just a "poor kid who had bad breaks." To me, Dad is a big part of the problem and will be excusing him even when the kid finally comes at him with a knife. And with his knife obsession he will. He isn't storing them so he has an excess of silverware. They are weapons to him. He slashes things. Maybe next he'll start slashing people. He is sly, smart and conniving and the type of kid you'd never want near your kids in other situations. You married his father, but his father has proven he can't be trusted to know when his child is a threat.
Call around, make plans, get out. If it's both of your homes, maybe you can make HIM be the one to leave. Then he and difficult child can live unhappily ever after. Either way, you and yours don't need this and can't control it. husband is so disappointing.
I don't think his behavior will stop if you leave. I think he will continue to steal, get into fights, lie and abuse with daddy's blessing. He may sexual perp too--a big fear of mine--but we talked about how you can try to protect your stepdaughter from afar. Kids perp on their own sex too--and that could be your son.
I think it's a good idea to make plans, but I wouldn't take too long to do it. This child isn't getting any younger or any less dangerous. He is one of the most disturbed and dangerous kids I've read about here in all my years on the board and easily has the father most willing to pretend he's just a "poor kid who had bad breaks." To me, Dad is a big part of the problem and will be excusing him even when the kid finally comes at him with a knife. And with his knife obsession he will. He isn't storing them so he has an excess of silverware. They are weapons to him. He slashes things. Maybe next he'll start slashing people. He is sly, smart and conniving and the type of kid you'd never want near your kids in other situations. You married his father, but his father has proven he can't be trusted to know when his child is a threat.
Call around, make plans, get out. If it's both of your homes, maybe you can make HIM be the one to leave. Then he and difficult child can live unhappily ever after. Either way, you and yours don't need this and can't control it. husband is so disappointing.
Well, in this one instance, there could be a possibility of someone else. In other instances of syrup pouring it could only be him.
An example of that is Xmas Eve when everyone except husband and difficult child went to the airport to get my mother. difficult child had a few days before spread syrup on his mattress and it was on the back porch drying. As the rest of the family was leaving, husband and difficult child were carrying the mattress back upstairs. Before we got back, husband was out in the backyard cleaning up the patio and difficult child came strolling up to him. "Boy am I pzzed" he said. "Why?" husband asked. "Because someone poured syrup all over my bed again."
Sat night it could have been a couple other people including dau9, but the time before, those people would have been excluded. He's done this so many times, the only person who's had the opportunity to do it each and every time was him. COuld he have done it 80% and someone else 10% of the time and some else 5% of the time and yet someone else another 5% of the time? Technically possible. Just like it's possible husband did it on Xmas Eve.
by the way...I never clean it up. At first husband and difficult child cleaned it up. Now husband does it.
busywend
Well-Known Member
So, difficult child and husband were the only ones in the house and they cleaned up the first round of syrup and before anyone else got home difficult child tells husband that someone did it again and husband does......what? How did husband handle that one?
Maybe he is schizophrenic and he REALLY does not do it, but one of his other personalities does.
Maybe he is schizophrenic and he REALLY does not do it, but one of his other personalities does.
OMG...
I just received this email from husband:
This is paragraph two:
I just received this email from husband:
This is paragraph two:
Whelp - in life sometimes when it rains it pours. Mostly just pours these days in mine. Just as I was finishing writing the above (paragraph one) I received a call from the Police. Someone called crime stoppers and reported that difficult child was selling drugs at the school/summer camp. They pulled him out and checked him. He had 5 of those same ADHD pills that he had before in his pocket. They questioned him. He said he was not selling anything. I had to go there to meet them. They questioned me. They found no evidence that he was selling anything. He had no money and no students or faculty knew or suspected anything. They did not arrest him or file any charge. They said that he was obviously scared and upset but was polite and cooperative and answered all their questions they believe truthfully. The one said they tried to trip him up because usually after a try or two in these situations the suspect stumbles or pauses when answering and difficult child never did. They asked me about brothers and sisters and home life as well as his history. One officer left and the other stayed to talk with me. He lectured difficult child some but did not threaten him. He had difficult child go stand a couple hundred feet away and talked to me a bit more. He said that he could see that I was obviously upset but that they felt I should not be too quick or strong in any disciplinary actions. He strongly recommended that I look within my home to make sure everything was as I said and it seemed to me because in his and the other officers opinion "something really smells wrong" about the call and this whole situation. The XXX summer camp program supervisor came and spoke to the officer who recommended he go back into the camp saying that they didn't feel he was selling drugs. She said she had to check on policy and will call me later to inform me if difficult child will be allowed to return. He is here with me at work.
As luck would have it Son17, Son17's girlfriend, and Son15 were at the high school and saw us about 1/3 of the way thru this episode and came over asking what was going on. I told them that difficult child had been caught with some pills on him and more or less shooed them away and said I'd see them later.
As luck would have it Son17, Son17's girlfriend, and Son15 were at the high school and saw us about 1/3 of the way thru this episode and came over asking what was going on. I told them that difficult child had been caught with some pills on him and more or less shooed them away and said I'd see them later.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Your difficult child is good. He is a great actor (as was our seriously disturbed child). He actually got the cops to tell husband to go easy on him? What does he think the kid is doing with the pills? You get good money for ADHD drugs, ESPECIALLY Adderrall, but Ritalin is worth a lot too. My daughter used to sell drugs, as well as use them, and she told me. Either that, or he's using them--they crush 'em in pillcrushers and snort 'em.
Your hub doesn't sound as upset as I would have been. Although my daughter did use hard drugs, she didn't move onto them right away and always cried and told the truth when the cops caught her--she did have a very guilty conscience (part of what made us love her so much and support her even down her rocky road). I digress: This difficult child has his hand in every pie.
Your hub doesn't get it. I'm really sorry.
Your hub doesn't sound as upset as I would have been. Although my daughter did use hard drugs, she didn't move onto them right away and always cried and told the truth when the cops caught her--she did have a very guilty conscience (part of what made us love her so much and support her even down her rocky road). I digress: This difficult child has his hand in every pie.
Your hub doesn't get it. I'm really sorry.
We really don't think he's using. He had a full blood drug screening when he went to the psychiatric hospital and they found nothing.
If you are polite when you commit a crime, it's not really a crime.
I especially love this phrase:
He strongly recommended that I look within my home to make sure everything was as I said and it seemed to me because in his and the other officers opinion "something really smells wrong" about the call and this whole situation.
Once again, it can't be difficult child, it has to be someone setting him up. I just feel sick to my stomache.
If you are polite when you commit a crime, it's not really a crime.
I especially love this phrase:
He strongly recommended that I look within my home to make sure everything was as I said and it seemed to me because in his and the other officers opinion "something really smells wrong" about the call and this whole situation.
Once again, it can't be difficult child, it has to be someone setting him up. I just feel sick to my stomache.
aeroeng
Mom of Three
As far as not leaving until you make more money:
My sister left her husband when he was trying to kill her. (His medications are working better now and as long as he keeps taking them I think he will leave her alone). But she left with little money and no job. She quickly got a low paying job and qualified for low income housing. Not the best of places, but safe. Since then she qualified for the Habitat for Humanity program. Wonderful people, they look for individuals struggling, but willing to work to pull themselves up. It is not a handout it's a hand up. She was put on a waiting list and we expected to wait about 3 years for a home. She was lucky something came up within one year! Now she has a small, well built and very nice home. But mostly does not need to live in fear anymore. Since she got her home, she has taken a job that pays better. The irony is that if she had her current job when she applied for Habitat for Humanity she would never have been excepted as she now makes to much. But on her current salary she could never have purchased a home.
So sometimes starting with the smaller salary helps. The point is: yes it is unimaginatively scary and difficult, but in our county there are programs to take care of people. There is no shame in doing what you have to, to protect your kids. I beleive my sister might have been killed had she not left when she did.
Tell husband he needs to deal with the summer camp issue. If they take him back today, he will probably be out again tomorrow.
My sister left her husband when he was trying to kill her. (His medications are working better now and as long as he keeps taking them I think he will leave her alone). But she left with little money and no job. She quickly got a low paying job and qualified for low income housing. Not the best of places, but safe. Since then she qualified for the Habitat for Humanity program. Wonderful people, they look for individuals struggling, but willing to work to pull themselves up. It is not a handout it's a hand up. She was put on a waiting list and we expected to wait about 3 years for a home. She was lucky something came up within one year! Now she has a small, well built and very nice home. But mostly does not need to live in fear anymore. Since she got her home, she has taken a job that pays better. The irony is that if she had her current job when she applied for Habitat for Humanity she would never have been excepted as she now makes to much. But on her current salary she could never have purchased a home.
So sometimes starting with the smaller salary helps. The point is: yes it is unimaginatively scary and difficult, but in our county there are programs to take care of people. There is no shame in doing what you have to, to protect your kids. I beleive my sister might have been killed had she not left when she did.
Tell husband he needs to deal with the summer camp issue. If they take him back today, he will probably be out again tomorrow.
flutterby
Fly away!
To be quite honest, reading that husband hides from you what difficult child has done and telling difficult child that he'll get to the bottom of this sent off huge red flags for me. Someone else is going to take the fall and I worry that it will be you. It's like watching it unfold in slow motion and I worry for you and your children.
So the police don't think he's dealing, but what about possession??? He shouldn't have had those medications on him. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I was going to suggest The Sociopath Next Door, too. This kid seems to have all the makings.
Wend - Shizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder) are two very different things.
So the police don't think he's dealing, but what about possession??? He shouldn't have had those medications on him. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I was going to suggest The Sociopath Next Door, too. This kid seems to have all the makings.
Wend - Shizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder) are two very different things.
Star*
call 911........call 911
Hi -
You know I've read this post and the replies. I'm not sure what historic or environmental problems have led your stepson to this point in his life, but I can tell you that all the advice in the world that you can get here or anywhere is not going to help you if you and your husband are NOT on the same page with this kid.
The bigger story here isn't the ritalin sales or the syrup. Your home is in crisis. I read what he says (your husband) about having drugs at school - and he continually makes excuses for a misbehaving child of 12. I'd want to know why. Is this his idea of parenting? Is there some guilt complex because he divorced his Mom? Something isn't right if this continually goes on in your home. Your husband tells you things like "I know he stole from you, but I replaced the money what's the big deal?" That's intimidation.
So if he's telling you that the kid is going to be like he is, and the rest of you can just suffer, he's fixed it -? I have to ask - WHY would you stay? Why would you put the other kids and yourself through this?
I think you have a lot of very difficult decisions ahead. Parenting a child like ours is a lifetime committment in which you hope along the journey that you don't also get committed. It is hard enough if you have a spouse or helpmate that is on the same page - to try to do what you are doing without the help of your husband is futility at it's best.
I'm really sorry and hope there can be some healing and hope for your family soon because a child like yours left unhelped? Just tears a family apart.
Hugs
Star
You know I've read this post and the replies. I'm not sure what historic or environmental problems have led your stepson to this point in his life, but I can tell you that all the advice in the world that you can get here or anywhere is not going to help you if you and your husband are NOT on the same page with this kid.
The bigger story here isn't the ritalin sales or the syrup. Your home is in crisis. I read what he says (your husband) about having drugs at school - and he continually makes excuses for a misbehaving child of 12. I'd want to know why. Is this his idea of parenting? Is there some guilt complex because he divorced his Mom? Something isn't right if this continually goes on in your home. Your husband tells you things like "I know he stole from you, but I replaced the money what's the big deal?" That's intimidation.
So if he's telling you that the kid is going to be like he is, and the rest of you can just suffer, he's fixed it -? I have to ask - WHY would you stay? Why would you put the other kids and yourself through this?
I think you have a lot of very difficult decisions ahead. Parenting a child like ours is a lifetime committment in which you hope along the journey that you don't also get committed. It is hard enough if you have a spouse or helpmate that is on the same page - to try to do what you are doing without the help of your husband is futility at it's best.
I'm really sorry and hope there can be some healing and hope for your family soon because a child like yours left unhelped? Just tears a family apart.
Hugs
Star
difficult child's explanation: he doesn't know how they got there. Somebody put them there. That's his story and he's been sticking to it for 3 years. And it works.
husband explanation? I haven't a clue. I have no idea what to say to husband; I don't even want to talk to him.
Oh...
On Saturday my parents are flying down and we are all going on a 6 day cruise to celebrate the two oldest kids' HS graduation. Yay !!! (not, I wish I could ask husband and difficult child to stay home).
Cruises are paid for in advance. And frankly, I don't want husband to go either, with or without difficult child. If we could find respite care for difficult child, I still don't really want to be with husband.
Oh, and our anniversary is Thursday. And I'm off work Friday...and planning to see a lawyer.
Oh, and our anniversary is Thursday. And I'm off work Friday...and planning to see a lawyer.
crazymama30
Active Member
I have been reading your posts, and I am glad you are seeing a lawyer. I can certainly see why you would not want difficult child or husband to go. Is it possible to tell husband that he and difficult child cannot go as you and the easy child's are not comfortable with difficult child and there is no one else to care for difficult child? Would the easy child's be supportive of that decision?
I know they're paid in advance... but a crisis is a crisis. I once had to eat a the price of an airline ticket for my Oldest when she simply could NOT go visit my parents as planned. I know that's nothing compared to the cost of a cruise, though. I understand not wanting to be on a boat with your husband for several days, either!
I'm glad you're getting some legal advice, good call.
I'm glad you're getting some legal advice, good call.
It's not my call. I can't forbid husband and difficult child to go, and more than I can forbid you to go. I can however maybe go sleep with the girl portion of my family and refuse to allow difficult child to share a cabin with my kids, stick him with husband. I'll decide that after I talk to a lawyer about how firm a position I am in divorce and separation. We've kept our money apart and I make more than husband and next year will make yet more. I'm pretty well paid and am likely to become more so, however, we own this house together and selling it will be a problem.
I'm not saying I'm going to divorce, but I think this marriage is pretty much over unless something is done real soon. I'm so tired.
And I'm thinking of going to DCF and talking to them about difficult child. Has anyone done this? Can it be confidential? Will it stay confidential?
difficult child doesn't need jail, he need residential treatment.
I am so very sorry that this situation is spiraling so quickly. PLEASE do not feel we are frustrated with you. We are frustrated and upset FOR you. And to some degree for difficult child - the boy has NO chance unless husband wakes up and gets some incredibly intense inpatient treatment for him. I am not sure that will be enough, but it would be a start.
Your husband's ability to ignore the dangers difficult child presents to the entire family just stuns and amazes me. husband has a huge capacity for hiding his head in the sand.
As for the cruise, Ihope you get some kind of break. I would let husband know that you will NOT pay for any damages difficult child does, you will NOT have him near your children unless there is plenty of adult supervision (maybe you can even get husband to hire someone to come on the cruise and be difficult child's shadow??). I think that if you don't stay with your girls then difficult child just might sneak in to hurt them.
Why do I think that?
Because the cruise is just chock full of people difficult child can blame his actions on, AND full of people who will buy difficult child's "poor little ole me" schtick.
Seeing an attorney is a great first step. Maybe you can have him keep copies of pertinent documents - marriage license, birth certificates, wills (if you have them), insurance policy documents, etc... - in his file.
Sending HUGE hugs. I know the temptation to wait until next year when you get a promotion is tempting, but it may extend the danger you and your children are in.
Give the kids a hug.
Susie
ps. You have my support - all of it! I know there are reasons and circumstances that can't be shared over the internet. So I will just support you and trust that you are doing the best you can. That is all any of us can do!!
pps. While I support you, I am still frustrated with your ostrich-like husband. He really seems to think if he hides this stuff then it will all go away.
Your husband's ability to ignore the dangers difficult child presents to the entire family just stuns and amazes me. husband has a huge capacity for hiding his head in the sand.
As for the cruise, Ihope you get some kind of break. I would let husband know that you will NOT pay for any damages difficult child does, you will NOT have him near your children unless there is plenty of adult supervision (maybe you can even get husband to hire someone to come on the cruise and be difficult child's shadow??). I think that if you don't stay with your girls then difficult child just might sneak in to hurt them.
Why do I think that?
Because the cruise is just chock full of people difficult child can blame his actions on, AND full of people who will buy difficult child's "poor little ole me" schtick.
Seeing an attorney is a great first step. Maybe you can have him keep copies of pertinent documents - marriage license, birth certificates, wills (if you have them), insurance policy documents, etc... - in his file.
Sending HUGE hugs. I know the temptation to wait until next year when you get a promotion is tempting, but it may extend the danger you and your children are in.
Give the kids a hug.
Susie
ps. You have my support - all of it! I know there are reasons and circumstances that can't be shared over the internet. So I will just support you and trust that you are doing the best you can. That is all any of us can do!!
pps. While I support you, I am still frustrated with your ostrich-like husband. He really seems to think if he hides this stuff then it will all go away.
