How Can He Ignore This

[BusynMember]

Most states are community ownership states (like Wisconsin) and if we sell our house, we both get half of it anyway (moneywise). I think all assets are evenly divided. Hey, I'd take a few losses to lose this situation, with husband acting like a goof. As for the cruise, no way would I go, paid for or not. I'd let him go with difficult child. I agree that on a cruise, he will be able to "play" a lot of people. Hon, I'm afraid that one day he is going to cry "she abuses me" and DCFS will believe him! That could make you lose your own kids. I'd put distance between them before he can do that, and he seems just crafty enough to try that trick. I know people who have suffered because one of their kids accused them of false abuse allegations. And I'll bet husband will stick up for him. "Well, I don't know that she didn't do it. Could have happened when I wasn't home."

I believe you can contact DCFS anonamously, but, realisticlly, you are going to be telling them things that only you know so he is going to find out. That's why in my opinion it's best to head for the hills and make a break with him. If you are afraid of him, get an order of protection against him AND difficult child. That kid is a piece of work and I'd be scared of him if it were me!!!

Good luck with the lawyer!

 

[Marguerite]

WSM, I think you are doing everything you can at te moment, in terms of planning your exit. Even if tat exit is NOT permanent, there are too many reasons to do this.

To pull up stakes and just walk out - I agree, you do this if you can. But if you feel the need to plan, you do that. You will feel more secure if you know where you stand. If difficult child is trying to make you (or your stepdaughter) the scapegoat, then removing yourself from the picture shouldremove any possible 'culprit' status. And of course, it keeps you safe and should lower your stress levels.

I have some major concerns. I'd be asking husband his point of view on all of these:

1) Who called Crimestoppers? I know it's supposed to be confidential, but I would ask the police to simply check out the possibility that difficult child called them himself. He was TOO ready with his answers, he had no cash on him or other evidence of trafficking (other than the pills themselves).

2) How did the pills get into difficult child's possession? And hat about previous times? Where did the pills come from? That is a different question - what I mean is, whose prescription was the source of the pills (Q1) and how did they find their way into difficult child's pocket (Q2). If husband is serious about his concerns for his son, and if he has ANY suspicion that his son is being 'set up' by someone, then OF COURSE a good father should be tearing the place apartto find te answers, or the problems will only continue and escalate. So, what does husband really think on this topic? No more fence-sitting; this is his son we're talking about, someone husband should be fighting tooth and nail for. Again, the police are the ones to ask for support in discovering this.

3) When husband reports that the police said "something really smells wrong" about the call and the whole situation - what does husband think was meant by that?

And a private question for you - how sure are you, considering husband's elastic attitude in the past towards the truth, that the police actually said this in this way? They may have actually meant something very different. It may have been husband who asked the police to go easy on difficult child.
Might I tentatively suggest you ask the police for their version of events? Maybe have an off-the-record talk to them about your concerns and see if they can advise you. YOu might find what the police have to say TO YOU to be refreshingly different. Or not - I don't know. But I would be quietly information-gathering right now, because WE KNOW that lies are being told here. We need to know how many lies, and how many people are lying. Because to not know, is to have to live with your own suspicions, as well as doubt being cast on you by others in the situation.

This is sounding nasty.

Let us know how you get on, on Friday.

As for the house - assuming it comes to having to sell the house (and it needn't), there are other options at least in the meantime. husband could pay a partial rent (or full rent) or you could all move out and rent the entire place, while you each rent somewhere smaller separately. Then sell when the market picks up.

But you may find that events take a certain direction after you leave, that make the move NOT permanent. For example, if stuff gets stoelen and maple syrup gets poured over everything weeks after you have left, difficult child can't blame you.
Leaving plenty of wiggle room can be a helpful tool, as long as you have somewhere secure to go to and your hand isn't forced by finances.

It sounds like you're not letting the grass grow under your feet. That's good, because the longer you're in this situation, the more this kid can do damage.

Marg

 

[graceupongrace]

WSM,

First of all, hugs. ((()))

Where do your parents stand on all of this? How much do they know? Will they be a good support for you, or just make the situation harder? In an ideal world, they could help you with a transition if you decide to get out. But as we know, difficult child-ville is never ideal.

 

[gcvmom]

Praying for you...

 

[susiestar]

Just popped by to see how you are doing? This is a time when you need to take time for yourself any chance you can.

When Wiz was at his worst I would stop at a park on the way to the grocery or to meet someone. Even 10 minutes spent with a book under a tree helped refresh me. And it didn't run me too late for an appointment.

This is such a tough situation. Sending support for whatever you need to do.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

 

[WSM]

I strongly suspect that last night difficult child was up around 2 pm playing a gameboy. There was a bluish light coming from the crack under his door.

Wouldn't it just be like husband to give him the gameboy back 2 days after he dumps syrup on his sister while she slept and the same day difficult child gets busted with rx drugs at school?

 

[graceupongrace]

The bluish light is a dead giveaway! I used to see that same light under difficult child's door after midnight. I would go in and take the gameboy away, and he would be flabbergasted that I knew he was playing. I never explained, just said, "I'm a mom, and moms know these things."

So sorry that husband just doesn't get it. It makes everything more difficult.

 

[WSM]

Another fight last night.

Apparently daughter is missing her DS again, it was under her pillow. She's also missing her gameboy she bought second hand with her allowance. husband says difficult child couldn't do it because he was at day camp all day. I asked, "Did you leave him alone in the morning to wander around unsupervised?" (I'm at work at 6:30, husband supervised the kid's morning). husband said no. I looked at the camera I have on my desk and low and behold, it show husband giving difficult child a pile of clothes and sending difficult child upstairs with it while husband goes into the laundry room. difficult child is upstairs about 4 or 5 minutes before he goes downstairs. difficult child's room is at top of stairs, daughter's room is at top and a bit down the hall.

husband still doesn't believe difficult child did it even if he did have the opportunity because difficult child said he didn't and wasn't in daughter's room, nor does he believe difficult child did the knives earlier this week, and is uncertain about him pouring the corn syrup in daughter's room, and is sure difficult child is innocent about the pills. And he informed me neither the psychiatrist or the therapist (appts yest and today) think difficult child does it all.

Quote the psychiatrist (whom I've never met): she's seen a lot of troubled kids, kids with really big problems and this just doesn't seem right. She thinks it would be best if difficult child went for a month to a family member. So husband wants to send difficult child to his mother and brother. I haven't talked much about his FOO, but omg, they are dysfunctional; his mother is banned from our house with approval of our marriage counselor. She's neurotic, dependent, whiney, clingy, needy, and still very angry about her 30 year old divorce. She's a perpetual victim, manipulative, a liar--and believes difficult child's problems are caused by having a stepmother, 'he was never a bad kid before'. She has desperately wanted the kids for a long time, and she and brother in law's wife think they can cure difficult child just by being nice to him.

I am so opposed difficult child going there--but I have no say. Anyway the psychiatrist thinks that someone else in the house is doing much of it, and apparently the therapist does too. They acknowledge that difficult child has done some of it (because he's admitted to it).

So in one week, the police, the therapist, and the psychiatrist all say the same thing: something's not right, difficult child can't be doing it all, not ALL of it.

So there are 7 people in the house: presumably, daughter isn't doing it and no one thinks husband is doing it. So that leaves me, son19, son 17 and son 14. So who's doing it? If husband doens't think it's difficult child, who does he think it is?

husband says: "I don't need to be on a witchhunt like you do."

I just feel sick.

Did I mention today is our wedding anniversary?

Oh--and to make everything worse: I mentioned that I saw a blue light under difficult child's door the night before and had just assumed husband had given difficult child his gameboy back, but maybe I was wrong, difficult child didn't take daughter's DS when he took the clothes upstairs unsupervised, maybe he got ahold of it before then somehow and the blue light was from ger DS not his gameboy.

husband said he hadn't given him the gameboy back, and in fact it was missing, husband didn't know where it was.

Incredible. Just incredible.

 

[jbrain]

Well, I'm going to be very blunt--I would be so out of there. I would never ever stand for any man treating me like your husband does you. I would say to Hades with you and your kid and I'd be gone.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[eekysign]

Most states are community ownership states (like Wisconsin) and if we sell our house, we both get half of it anyway (moneywise). I think all assets are evenly divided.

Just as a side note, only 9 states in the US are community property states, but you're right, Wisconsin is one. It would really depend on which state she lives in.

 

[BusynMember]

With this kid even duping the doctors, I'd be gone like I never was--no note, no forwarding address...I'd keep in touch by my lawyer. "Witchhunt." Get out of there before you are accused of child abusing this "poor kid" and your own child is taken away from you.

If you don't leave, you can bet it's going to happen. This kid is great at explaining away all of his misdeeds and your hub in my opinion is very disturbed too. Heck, a stay with the dysfunctional in-laws can't be worse than with you guys. Let him go.

And get out for your own sake. This is very alarming, how this kid can get others to believe him. WE believe YOU, but we aren't the police, CPS or people who matter. Get out, get out, get out...do it today. You are asking for being thrown in jail for things you didn't do--even the in-laws think this "good kid" is your fault. Your husband is a verbally abusive and clueless moron (sorry for the bluntness). Big hugs and a plea: GET OUT. You are at risk on many levels here...this kid hates you and will try to get you in legal trouble. And his ditzy daddy will stick up for HIM, not you.

 

[DaisyFace]

I'm afraid I have to agree with MidwestMom--

Your husband has made it very clear where he stands. He has chosen.

You need to choose yourself and your own children.

So sorry it has come to this....

--DaisyF

 

[WSM]

Oh...and since husband is going to send difficult child to gramma's house this summer, I ask, could you send him tomorrow or Friday so he misses the cruise. I said I was afraid he was going to ruin it for everyone. husband said no. I also said I really did not want husband to go either; it was a cruise for my kids' graduation, the last family vacation I was going to have with them, and other family members and friends were flying down to go with us on this cruise. It's extremely expensive and I have paid for it all. I didn't want it screwed up with difficult child drama and difficult child crisis. He said he was going and difficult child was going. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, but I just dread this cruise.

It looks like my condo purchase is going through in Orlando for my college aged kids. That gets two of them out of this hellhouse, altho the 19 yo wants to stay here and go to local university, at least he has the option.

I talked to a lawyer this morning. I have to weigh my options.

 

[eekysign]

Oh...and since husband is going to send difficult child to gramma's house this summer, I ask, could you send him tomorrow or Friday so he misses the cruise. I said I was afraid he was going to ruin it for everyone. husband said no. I also said I really did not want husband to go either; it was a cruise for my kids' graduation, the last family vacation I was going to have with them, and other family members and friends were flying down to go with us on this cruise. It's extremely expensive and I have paid for it all. I didn't want it screwed up with difficult child drama and difficult child crisis. He said he was going and difficult child was going. Well, there's nothing I can do about it, but I just dread this cruise.

It looks like my condo purchase is going through in Orlando for my college aged kids. That gets two of them out of this hellhouse, altho the 19 yo wants to stay here and go to local university, at least he has the option.

I talked to a lawyer this morning. I have to weigh my options.

Wouldn't worry too much - I don't know whether you've been on a cruise before, but it's VERY easy to not see someone on a ship. I lost my roommate for an entire day once, only found her around dinner time. Put hubby in with difficult child, and you'll be good for the duration.

 

[busywend]

I am sorry, but the police are dead wrong for letting difficult child get away with possession of controlled substance.

My Business Law professor was arrested in Texas while he was on a road trip with a friend. They found 4 Ritalin in a baggy in the glove box. It was there for when his daughter forgot to take her pills at home and she could take them on the way to school.

They put him in jail until he could prove there was a prescription.

Whose medication is this?

 

[WSM]

I am sorry, but the police are dead wrong for letting difficult child get away with possession of controlled substance.

My Business Law professor was arrested in Texas while he was on a road trip with a friend. They found 4 Ritalin in a baggy in the glove box. It was there for when his daughter forgot to take her pills at home and she could take them on the way to school.

They put him in jail until he could prove there was a prescription.

Whose medication is this?

I don't know. husband talked to the school and they said they don't know. They said as far as they know only one kid in the school is on ADHD medications.

 

[AnnieO]

This child is old enough for the system to at least treat him as if they believe there is something wrong. And there most definitely is. I can't believe they would drop this so easily. Actually I do believe it. The system is messed up.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I would be rearranging the sleeping arrangements for the cruise, big time. I agree, your husband and difficult child can share a room. You bunk in with someone else. And be sure husband/difficult child does NOT have access to your cabin.

I'm sorry. This really is just becoming more and more bizarre and frightening, for all involved.

 

[graceupongrace]

So in one week, the police, the therapist, and the psychiatrist all say the same thing: something's not right, difficult child can't be doing it all, not ALL of it.

If I'm reading your posts correctly, these opinions are coming to you from husband and not directly from police, therapist and psychiatrist. Given what's been going on, I would be extremely suspicious. husband has a stake in getting support for his view. Even if they did say these things (and that's suspect), it's based only on what husband has told them, and it's clear that he's seeing things differently (to put it mildly).

The gameboy/DS stuff is aggravating, but nothing compared to drugs and knives. You can't tell me all these experts believe he's been victimized by someone planting drugs on him more than once. Or that he's collecting knives and hiding them in his underwear drawer so that he can do what -- have a picnic in his bedroom?

I know this kind of thing can make you feel like you're the one who's going crazy. That seems to be the intent. I'm so sorry.

 

[WSM]

I think husband is telling the truth. I have come across it myself re: difficult child. I've heard his old school teacher say it and the school principal; his military school administrator hinted at it, one CPS lady said it, at least one policeman has said it (altho most don't buy it).

The psychiatrist has been saying this from the beginning. I've never met her, and probably never will.

THe police obviously thought difficult child was innocent, because they did nothing.

I will be seeing the therapist right after the cruise, husband made the appointment at a time I could go. I will ask him about it. And I will ask him, if difficult child didn't do it, who did? THe 17 year old who is at school, work and his girlfriend's house so often that difficult child was home from the psychiatric hospital 2 days and Son17 said, "When's difficult child coming home?" How about the 19 year old who's kind hearted and has anxiety attacks sometimes when things are missing and husband and I are fighting about it. People usually avoid things that give them anxiety attacks. Or maybe it's the 14 year old who's sick with worry that this means husband and I will divorce? Which kid is setting up difficult child?

Or is it me? Me, who is covered with hives from the stress of this crappe (and I'll show him my scabby legs), and who has a very high sensitive compartmentalized security clearance and who has to report every single contact with police or officials and all incidents of an unusual nature. This crappe can affect my livlihood, my ability to support my children, my pension. Me who has to help cover his hospitalization bills and legal bills if he's arrested or committed. Am I doing this?

And for what purpose? In the past it's been said to 'get him out of the house'? But where's he going? I hope not to the $100 a day psychiatric hospital. Or to the juvvie which will cost us legal fees and spit him back out in a month or two far more damaged than he went in. Not to another relative's house. husband suggests every year sending difficult child north and I've always veto'ed it because gramma's a piece of work. If I wanted him out so badly, why not jump on past offers? ANd there's no place else. There is no getting him out of the house.

THe other explanation has been, that 'someone just wants to keep him in trouble." But what is it that I continually write here: HE NEVER GETS IN TROUBLE. difficult child has not been in trouble since Jan 2008 the third time he took a weapon to school. ANd how much trouble was that? He sat in juvvy for about 8 hours, came home, spent a morning in court, got a lecture, had to sort of pick up garbage at his sisters soccer game (community service) and help clean up a project for his stepbrother's scout. That's it. That's trouble for bringing a weapon on school property for the third time in one year.

Keeping him in trouble with his dad? But...husband almost never makes trouble for difficult child. husband excuses it, waffles, 'forgets', doesn't know what to think, doesn't know what to do about it. difficult child has had to do a few extra chores, has had to do sentences, and has had to do pushups. And that's that.

After about 4 years of this anyone who is still 'setting difficult child up' to get him in trouble is a real slow learner.

difficult child doesn't get into trouble.