"How can I screw my life up today?"

[Lil]

Well the has hit the fan at the grandparents house. He says, "They don't listen. They think I'm a lazy piece of ***. They say my job hunting isn't good enough." A Difficult Child singing the song of his people.


My response was, "Well, we never thought you job hunted sufficiently either. So you know, if everyone says so...maybe it's true!"

That turned into the fact that they now know he's an atheist and according to him everything he does is "for Satan". I don't know about all that. I haven't talked to the grandparents. I told him I couldn't get in the middle of this. I have no control over his grandparents and I have no control over him. He's an adult and part of that is talking calmly with people and working things out.

I repeated, "I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do about this." many, many times.

And I had such a nice weekend.

 

[Childofmine]

The Winner ranking is for YOU.

He is living life on life's terms and finding out from more than one person what is acceptable and what is not.

And like most of our kids, they coming whining to us about how awful it all is.

Hang in there. He is learning important things right now.

 

[mtic]

I'm sorry to hear this, but I think your response was spot on "Sorry, there's nothing I can do." It's his life and it's his decisions that got him to where he is. He'll figure that out sooner or later.

 

[Lil]

He just texted and told me things had calmed down. (He had been begging me to call his grandparents. I told him I'd ask Jabber...they're his parents, not mine. The daughter-in-law is staying the heck OUT of this. I never would EVER have asked for them to take him in. That was THEIR daughter's doing (Jabber's youngest sister).) Anyway, he told me to not ask Jabber to call.

All I said was, "Okay. I will say this. Your grandparents may not see you as an adult. That means you have to try harder to be one."

End of text. Hopefully end of drama for today.

 

[mtic]

Why did he want you to talk to them? What's he expecting? These DCs always leave me shaking my head. My Difficult Child just turned 24 in May. At that age I was married, had one child, pregnant with the second, and living 2000 miles away from any of my immediate family. I wonder if this generation of kids has more issues than those in the past, but maybe all generations had issues and we just hear more about it now because of the internet.

 

[AppleCori]

Yeah, it's kinda like....

It's THEIR house, so they get to make the rules. You don't have to like it.

Good for you, for staying out of this. He is an adult. Let him deal with his grandparents. They are 'grandparenting' in the way they see fit, and it did seem to help his cousins. Who knows, maybe something will click. Not much has worked, so far.

They are doing wonderful thing for your son. I bet someday he will appreciate it.

Maybe this is exactly what he needs. Maybe that is why he doesn't like it.

 

[AppleCori]

by the way--

this autocorrect tried to change 'grandparenting' to 'grandpa renting'.

Hmmmm....

Maybe not such a bad idea!

 

[Echolette]

A Difficult Child singing the song of his people.

haha, that made me laugh and spit my coffee out. I love that! I picture moaning whale songs...

I told him I couldn't get in the middle of this. I have no control over his grandparents and I have no control over him.

Lil! You go! That is perfect! I give you a "winner" as well!

 

[Lil]

haha, that made me laugh and spit my coffee out. I love that! I picture moaning whale songs...

I liked that line myself. LOL

And just like that...it's over. He called. Yes, I know I shouldn't but I've mentioned I have a thing about a ringing phone, so I answered.

"I just wanted you to wish me luck! Pizza Hut wants me to come in for an evaluation, just as soon as I can, so I'm changed into my good clothes and Grandma's giving me a ride!"

Really...

 

[Jabberwockey]

Mtdenise, I don't know how to quote from the phone but I have NO idea what he expected me to do. Especially since I agree with them!

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Lil]

Well, he finally did it. - Jabber, don't get too ticked - I'm mad enough for both of us.

All this time he's never been abusive toward me. Never swore at me.
I just got my first Eff You! and a hang-up.

He got back from his "evaluation" not interview, and found out his e-cig is broken. He just spent the last of his money on atomizers for it. So he has no e-cig, no money and that is the "one nice thing he has".

He should hear on the job tomorrow or the next day. He's ranting and raving because not only is his cig broken, but they still want him to put in applications today in case he doesn't get it, and to help grandpa with the yard.

I told him I wasn't going to be drawn into a fight with him. I don't remember what he started in on but I said, "Don't even..." and he said "Fine, Eff You!" and hung up on me.
I'm so angry I can't even think straight.
I did not text him. I will not call him. I don't know if I'll EVER accept an apology.

How dare he.

 

[Childofmine]

I know that hurts and makes you mad but it is par for the course. Right now he is more upset than you are. It is a good sign that he is really mad enough at you to yell that kind of thing even though it is awful to hear it. Difficult Child has said that to me a number of times. A clear signal that he isn't getting what he wants...and gosh darn it!...he's fighting mad. Good. Maybe he'll do something different since he's learning you and I aren't going to solve their problems for them. Still makes you mad I know. But consider it a good sign.

 

[pasajes4]

This is the other song on the cd " Song of His People"

 

[Lil]

I don't even remember what I said that set him off, other than the "Just Don't". I think it was because he was going on about spending the last of his money on the e cig and it was broken and I finally had enough and reminded him that I paid for the damn thing and he never paid me back! He started with how he's trying to figure out how he'll pay us back the $2,000 he owes us - his usual story. It's like "I owe you so much already that a little more doesn't matter." Where he even got $2,000 is beyond me.

He just texted, "I'm sorry."

I don't know what to do with that. It's not alright. He's not forgiven. I haven't responded.

 

[pasajes4]

No response is a response. It is the perfect response that is called for given his tantrum.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Lil

So he has no e-cig, no money and that is the "one nice thing he has".

Well, who created this situation? You?

but they still want him to put in applications today in case he doesn't get it, and to help grandpa with the yard.

Good. I wish they would join this forum. They are fantastic.

I told him I wasn't going to be drawn into a fight with him.

Good for you. I would not talk to him at all, for some designated period of time. You are not his dog to kick, when he has no one else. For frustration he feels from a situation he and only he created.

Sorry Lil. You deserve better and more and so do I.

 

[Lil]

You are not his dog to kick, when he has no one else. For frustration he feels from a situation he and only he created.

You know, this is the first time I've really felt that way. Oh he's always called and ranted and raged and gone on and on when he had a problem. But it was always more of a "Fix it Mommy" tantrum. This is the first time, when I've said, "No, I can't fix it. Not my problem." (and I didn't even put it that bluntly) that he's really turned on me.

I am going to ignore him, at least the rest of the work day. Maybe the rest of the day period. Maybe even tomorrow. Eh. I make no promises how long. But I do know that when I DO speak with him or text him, the FIRST thing I'm going to say is, "I don't care if you are sorry. You didn't step on my toe. That kind of disrespect will NOT be forgotten or forgiven any time soon."

I really never thought my son would say that. I admit, I considered myself lucky reading the kind of disrespect some of you have endured. I could always say, "Well, at least he hasn't said such things to us." I can't say that anymore.

And on top of it all, I got about 4 hours of solid sleep last night. I am so tired!

 

[BusynMember]

It doesn't start until you say "no" and mean "no." Before, he always figured you'd give in. Usually, you did, in some way.

Also, he had a hard day...with that job evaluation

 

[Lil]

Also, he had a hard day...with that job evaluation

And his 70+ year old Grandfather wanting him to help mow the lawn. The nerve of the man.

But it was the broken e-cig, that I PAID FOR, that really set him off.


I just looked at my leave and I have to use 68 hours of vacation by October 31st or lose them. I think I need to get all caught up and take a couple weeks off again.

 

[Copabanana]

Lil, your son's F you reminds me of the incident 5 or 6 weeks ago, when my son mocked my abuse by my father.

I had set a limit saying something like, "I will not tolerate your speaking to me in that way.

Next time I will just hang up the phone. Why engage in I-Thou with him? My mistake.

He had said, "What do I remind you of your abusive father?"

My point is this: They are getting that we are changing. And they hate it.

Their lives are closing in on them. And they do not like it one bit. Of course, it is everybody else's fault.

Your son has nowhere else to lash out.

He has gotten a taste of what life is like without your help.

I think he may have found something that is worth wanting, that girl. So he has to stay in the game. He hates that.

But oops. Grampa is controlling the game. He hates it.

The vice is tightening. Good.
'
So, that is why he lashed out at you.

But this should never, ever be allowed.

Do whatever you have to do to not go kissy kissy with him for a while until he gets that this is a boundary that he will never cross again. Ever.