It never rains but it pours.

[Lil]

Assuming you said hot pockets so they'd have a hot "meal" every little bit.

Actually because he asked for Hot Pockets yesterday when I offered to grab them something for lunch. I actually got McDonald's because it was faster and really, not any more expensive. But I'll suggest the most inexpensive things that can be nuked and fit in a mini-fridge freezer.

 

[blackgnat]

Sorry about all this-you have to wonder why life is so hard, sometimes! We tie ourselves in knots about our DCs and their futures, it's just exhausting, isn't it?

It sounds like a good plan and at least you know he'll have a roof over his head in 4 weeks.

 

[Lil]

Well we made the offer to take him in, suggested the shelter, and paid for a week for them to make other plans since the offer was rejected.

I think that's enough. I can live with that.

 

[Albatross]

I think the hotel for a week is a good middle way to handle it, Lil. Sorry he and you and Jabber are going through this. Hoping he and the roommate move forward thanks to your helping them out.

 

[Lil]

So...

The only homeless shelter in this town in FULL. They have no beds. They suggested they go to the next town - 30 minutes away. That's all well and good except they have no car and need to find work in THIS town! Someone suggested a day laborer - there really isn't any around here, but even if they did have, the chances of clearing $50 a day is pretty darn slim.

So...they're going to be on the streets very, very soon. They've now spent my son's last paycheck so they have nothing put aside for first month's rent at the new apartment.

I figured, I'd check all the leads I could find - I have access to a computer and phone and the ability to talk to people better than either of them. Do you know how much it sucks to call a charity and have to explain that one of the two homeless people you are trying to help is your son? It's humiliating - I know the first thing they think is, "Why can't they stay with you?"

And there's absolutely NOTHING to help them. Every single lead I've chased down ends with "We can't help them."

The worst part is I actually understand NOT coming home - not dumping his friend. I don't care that his friend doesn't deserve that kind of loyalty...I don't know that I would be able to leave my friend out in the cold either. No I take that back - the very worst part is, I feel like the bad guys in all this. I feel like a heartless, un-Christian, callous . I feel like we'd open our home to anyone else - say one of our siblings called and said, "I had a fire. Can you help for a few weeks?" Even if I didn't know their roommate, they'd be in! But not my own son.

And I say "I feel" because while Jabber is the one really saying "No" here, I agree with him...mostly. I'd give in. But when I think back over what our kid has done and who he's chosen to hang out with, I can't disagree. I just feel ... bad.

So much for, "I made the offer and that's enough." I lied. But then again, I thought the shelter was an option.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Can you buy them a tent? If there isn't a camp ground around, could they camp in your back yard? It's still better than in the house...

 

[PonyGirl65]

Oh Lil. You didn't lie, it WAS enough. When you originally said it. See, things change and you get different feelings. This is all about to become even more REAL. Please do not continue to beat yourself up my friend! What would change if you let him come home with the roommate? Chances are something would happen to worsen your relationship. It's for sure that he wouldn't learn anything, or be forced to face the reality of HIS choices.

Yes, I know, the fire wasn't his fault. But all the other bad choices were HIS. He will survive this. He will figure something out. And if he doesn't, well, then he doesn't.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

He's 21 years old. He's chosen irresponsible life habits. He has to face the consequences. Even if he blames it all on the fire, he still has to face those consequences.

You're in my heart, sister. I'm so sorry.

Peace

 

[Lil]

He's 21 years old. He's chosen irresponsible life habits. He has to face the consequences. Even if he blames it all on the fire, he still has to face those consequences.

I know this. I do. I completely, utterly know this to be true.

Still tearing me up inside.

Can you buy them a tent? If there isn't a camp ground around, could they camp in your back yard? It's still better than in the house...

I thought of this yesterday. There is ONE big park near us that allows camping and has showers...off the bus lines by several miles and with no car again, can't really look for work or get back and forth.

The neighbors would frown on the back yard thing.

I swear, every suggestion I can think of a reason it won't work.

 

[BusynMember]

If your sister had a fire and a friend and they moved in, likely you could trust them not to steal, to work and to leave ASAP.

Maybe im cold hearted myself but a strange "friend" of an adult child of mine who refuses to launch or work would not even be on my radar to worry about. We cant save the world.

And if my kid chose a thug over coming home, then id stop feeling sorry for my child too. It cant be THAT bad out there if hes willing to stay outdoors due to friend.

Its warm in Missouri now. Our wayward adult kids survive and survive without even working. In a weird way,.its admirable.

Hugs for your poor heart. Im angry at your sons choices. They hurt you.

 

[Lil]

Maybe im cold hearted myself but a strange "friend" of an adult child of mine who refuses to launch or work would not even be on my radar to worry about.

You're completely right. If this guy had a job and was working and contributing, as opposed to having worked a grand total of 3 days since he got here in February - I'm sure we'd feel differently about him. But as it is we don't know him (which isn't really the dispositive point - we've let other people we didn't know stay with us at least for a night or two) but what little we do know isn't positive. He and my kid flunked school together. He doesn't have a job and hasn't had. He lived with his dad before this. He's about 30 years old and has no car, no job, no credit, no money no ... anything really.

I know we're right to not let him come.

So WHY do I keep having mini-panic attacks and hating myself for it?

 

[Jabberwockey]

So WHY do I keep having mini-panic attacks and hating myself for it?

Because you're a good person and it pains you to not help even when you know its the wrong thing to do. I have defenses built to survive my job that you don't have so it isn't as obvious that its hard on me.

 

[BusynMember]

Also no stranger who stayed with you stole from you yet. My always BFF who died of cancer used to always let people stay with her. A sad story was enough. Sime brought their pets. Some stayed long term.

BFF finally stopped. Too many of these people took advantage of her, stole, or destroed property and ran off. She finally learned that, although she meant to help, she wasnt helping them and was hurting herself.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Also no stranger who stayed with you stole from you yet.

Yeah, not so much. Our former friends daughter brought her boyfriend in and the two of them stole a bunch of stuff from us. Long story.

 

[Lil]

I have defenses built to survive my job that you don't have so it isn't as obvious that its hard on me.

I know it's hard on you too honey. I know I'm not making it any easier and I'm sorry. I really am.

Also no stranger who stayed with you stole from you yet.

What Jabber said. That was awful. They even stole some of my hardback books - who the hell steals BOOKS? Disgusting.

Anyway, I finally found ONE charity that agreed to give them two nights hotel stay. Just two. But that gets them thru the weekend and if they keep calling the shelter, maybe something will come open. That changes all the time.

At least there's another two night reprieve.

 

[pasajes4]

I will soon be faced with whether or not I allow my son to come home when discharged from phys. therapy hospital. I do not know what I will do. Like you Liz, I know in my heart of hearts it would be a disaster, I also feel like for even thinking that way.

 

[InsaneCdn]

There is ONE big park near us that allows camping and has showers...off the bus lines by several miles and with no car again, can't really look for work or get back and forth

Its no longer winter.
Tent and a clunker bike?

 

[Lil]

Its no longer winter.
Tent and a clunker bike?

Might come to that.

 

[Albatross]

Lil, I hear your fear. It's terrifying. Your own son is going to be living on the street here shortly, if YOU don't save them.

But...didn't you and Jabber pay for a week in a pretty nice place, with a breakfast bar and a microwave? Didn't you buy him microwavable food so he could eat more than 1 meal a day? Didn't they have free wifi and electricity to charge their phones, so they could job search?

Have they been looking for jobs? Housing? They knew this day was coming.

I apologize in advance if I am going too far here, and I DO appreciate your fear. I truly do. I've been there many times.

But Lil...you seem to be the one doing all the worrying here.

Do you think maybe it's time to let him see for himself?

 

[Lil]

But Lil...you seem to be the one doing all the worrying here.

No...trust me, he does plenty of worrying. That's a part of why I do, because he's called in a panic. I don't know what the buddy has done, but I know my son and put in some applications...and really, short of calling the shelter what more was there to do? He's asked every "friend" and the shelter won't "hold" a place so when it was time for the hotel to run out, he called them...and they were full. He called the Red Cross back. He called one other place, can't remember who.

So yeah - I believe he's been trying to figure out where to go.

 

[RN0441]

Lil you should try hard not to feel bad. You offered your son to come and HE made the decision NOT to come without his friend. So try to let up on yourself!