It never rains but it pours.

[GoingNorth]

Lil, he may also be able to get help with utilities; such as deposits, first month's bill, etc. The organization is called LIHEAP in most states and is federally funded. They help with gas/electric.

Catholic Charities may help with utilities as well. They, via the Lions clubs in some areas, run decent food pantries. You do not have to be Catholic to use the pantries.

Oddly, as I discovered when I was back on my feet and wanted to pay them back, you DO have to be Catholic to volunteer!

I've personally gotten assistance from CC and LIHEAP, so can speak for those. Have no experience with Medicaid or other groups. Jewish Charities refused me help despite my having been born into that faith. (I was refused based on my income being too high at 9K per year at that time.)

I don't donate to the Catholic church itself because I do not agree with the tenets of that faith, but I do donate food and household goods to their local pantries.

 

[New Leaf]

Fingers and toes and everything else crossed, Lil and Jabber. Glad the "friend" found other arrangements. Hoping the best for you all, and son takes this opportunity to get on his feet.........
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[mtic]

Yes, hoping the best for you all during this time. Maybe, just maybe, he'll realize what he's lost. Then again...who knows what goes through their minds. Tell your son that my rule was no smoking anywhere on our property! I despise the smell and didn't want my dogs and cat getting ash on their feet.

 

[InsaneCdn]

If you want a smoke, go for a walk. End of discussion. Preferably, it's windy out there - it keeps some of the smoke smell off clothes.

 

[Jabberwockey]

My one "concern" thus far was when I picked up a 2-liter of soda at his request and then he told me it was a whisky mixer.

Sorry honey but I'm gonna have to be a bit of a jerk here. If he doesn't have the money for rent, he doesn't have the money for alcohol. Just because he's now 21 doesn't mean I want him drinking every night in our house.

 

[GoingNorth]

It basically has to be "your house, your rules". I lived with my mother for a couple of months when my husband shipped to Germany. I was waiting for him to find a place for us to live, etc. and my lease was up.

Even with me living by her rules, it was quite apparent that "you can't go home again.".

Even now, when I spend a night at her place, or a couple of days, I live rigidly by her rules. If she stays with me, she lives by my rules.

That's just common courtesy.

 

[pasajes4]

Lil, I would let my son come home if he/they can't find him a place to live ( another post in near future), I don't want him to come home. I am not strong enough to battle with him over rules and the kind of assistance he will need. That sounds cold, but it is the truth. I am so much like you and I don't have a Jabber as a buffer.

 

[Lil]

I am so much like you and I don't have a Jabber as a buffer.

Well, now that he's here I think I'm more the buffer.

The first night did NOT go well. Jabber gets home about 8:30 p.m. on Mondays. Our son basically didn't say anything to us most of the night. I tried, occasionally, to start a conversation about rules and plans. It didn't work. He basically sat and stared at his phone texting, texting, texting and getting more and more moody...until:

EXPLOSION!

I'm still not sure what it was about...other than he wants someone to listen to him!!!!! But when someone is screaming the F-word every other breath about God knows what...who wants to listen?

After a while he calmed down. After shouting and slammed doors and on and on - and then tears and apologies and ... you know how it goes. I'm still not sure where this all came from. He's upset about the girlfriend...says he pretended he wasn't before she left because he knew she'd be better off without him. He's upset about losing "everything" in the fire - which is not about the material items I'm sure...but about his losing his home he established with her. He's upset that he was the only one trying to work, etc., and that his buddy spent two weeks in the hotel griping but not doing anything at all to try to help figure things out. He's upset about - every damn thing.

I'm pretty sure we didn't help at the beginning - but we shouldn't have to. He's 21 years old. He can control himself. I know he can - although he says he can't.

So Jabber went to bed about 10:30. I went about 11:30. I think our son went out...he was texting the whole time we were talking, so he had someone up and about still to talk to, but maybe not, who knows, we were asleep.

This is going to suck worse than if we never made the offer.

 

[RN0441]

Oh God Lil. Hang in there. Hopefully this will be a short term solution for all of you.

 

[mtic]

Sorry to hear about the first night. This is temporary though, and you are strong and will get through it. If he's unhappy, tell him he's free to leave at any time.

 

[GoingNorth]

Lil, you and Jabber need to establish a curfew for your son. You and Jabber have to go to sleep at a certain time in order to get up and go to work.

You can't have your son coming and going at all hours. I know when I stayed with my mother back in 82, She went to bed at 10:30 and I had to be home before then.

It was a bit of a PITA as I'd been on my own for a few years, but her house, her rules.

 

[Lil]

If he's unhappy, tell him he's free to leave at any time.

Actually, we told him we won't put up with him yelling and screaming and slamming doors. We aren't going to walk on egg shells around him. We just can't take the stress of it. If he wants to TALK to us, calmly, we're there. If he needs moral support, we're there. If he want's counseling, we'll get him one (specifically anger management). But we won't let him stay with us if he continues to act like that.

He doesn't seem to get it. He seems to think that we just don't listen. But he doesn't talk...and what exactly are we supposed to do to help him when his only complaint is "I don't have anyone. Everyone lets me down." But "everyone" doesn't include us! He keeps saying he "needs" other people because he can't do it on his own, but he CAN! He was doing it on his own at the apartment - the others weren't helping him. If he were working full-time instead of part-time, he'd be able to pay the bills fine on his own.

He definitely doesn't want to work full-time. But that's life - suck it up! (Yeah, that's basically what we told him too.)

Lil, you and Jabber need to establish a curfew for your son. You and Jabber have to go to sleep at a certain time in order to get up and go to work.

Oh that isn't the problem. He can come and go as he pleases, we're asleep and that doesn't wake us up...our bedroom is way in the back. I only ask that if he isn't coming home at all, he send me a text so the next morning I know his not coming in was intentional.

We do care that if he stays out all night, then he will sleep all day instead of getting up and getting a job and progressing toward being on his own. If he were a easy child, he could live in the basement, give us some rent, and basically be on his own as far as I care. I don't know how Jabber feels about that...but he's not a easy child, so it's kind of moot anyway I suppose.

I have to admit, right now I'm a bit nervous about the stuff in our house that might "go missing". I don't actually think he'd do anything that stupid...but he clearly hasn't progressed as much as I'd thought he had either.

 

[pasajes4]

Lil, I wanted to quote your entire post. This is my son to a T. I know for a fact that my son has not changed 1 iota. He is worse than ever. I know people will say it is because of the stroke yadda yadda. He was like this before the stroke. The difference is now he can try to blame his hideous behavior and demands for everything under the sun on the stroke. He is constantly playing on peoples sympathy to get anything he can out of anyone who has the misfortune of coming in contact with him. Lil, They don't change. They just twist it into something else. It is not that they can't change. They just don't see that they need to.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I don't know how Jabber feels about that...but he's not a easy child, so it's kind of moot anyway I suppose.

Honey, that's been my point all along. You keep saying I wish we could do this and I wish we could do that to help him and the fact of the matter is that IF he were an easy child we WOULD be doing that. For that matter, if he were actually trying instead of just saying that he was trying, we could do more. Last night he sat there pissing and moaning about how K wasn't doing anything but griping about how much the situation sucked while not doing anything about it. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not to say "Like you are now?" but I didn't because that would only have made it worse.

 

[Lil]

He is constantly playing on peoples sympathy to get anything he can out of anyone who has the misfortune of coming in contact with him.

You may be right, but I'm just not sure it's that deliberate or even conscious. It seems to me this is just...he doesn't see it. He seems to truly think that he's the injured party here.

Last night he sat there pissing and moaning about how K wasn't doing anything but griping about how much the situation sucked while not doing anything about it. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not to say "Like you are now?" but I didn't because that would only have made it worse.

What I wanted to say was, "Then why the HELL do you CARE what this loser thinks? Why do you want these sort of people around you?"

Why is he so afraid of being on his own????

 

[Jabberwockey]

You may be right, but I'm just not sure it's that deliberate or even conscious.

We've gone round and round on this one but I will say this. I may be giving him too much credit on the manipulation but you aren't giving him enough. The whole time he was on his phone I wanted to smack it out of his hands. How upset can you be if the person trying to talk to you when you crave conversation SO much is ignored by you in favor of texting the so called friends who are the ones he is supposed to be upset about in the first place?

 

[GoingNorth]

I never really lived entirely on my own until after my husband died. As an Army wife for many years, I was on my own a LOT, as husband was deployed/on exercise much of the time. Most of that while I was living overseas.

It wasn't until he was out of the Army that I got to learn about living with someone fulltime.

It was hard, actually. When he and I were getting ready to move in together, I was afraid. NOT of moving out of my parents' home, but of living with someone else.

I would've been fine living alone.

 

[GoingNorth]

Jabber, I would've been absolutely infuriated. That's just plain rude. I likely would've terminated the conversation.

If, let's say, I go over to my mother's place for a visit, I turn my phone OFF while I'm with her.

If I'm with a friend, depending on the situation, I may turn my phone off then as well. Certainly I will if we are having a "heavy" conversation.

The person with whom you are conversing should be the center of your attention. That's just good manners.

 

[RN0441]

I hate to say this, but it reminds me of my own son, some time ago when I ask him why he can't just be happy he said "I don't know how". I really believe him and it is tragic to hear that.

Maybe your son doesn't really "know how" to do the things he should know how to do either but for both of them, they have to FIGURE it out. We won't live forever to help them so better sooner than later.

I think your son (my son too) is so very lucky and blessed to have parents that care SO MUCH. I was raised by an alcoholic mother and had very little nurturing and care but I turned out to be nurturing and caring. So why can't the ones that have all that? What is wrong? I don't get it.

 

[Lil]

The whole time he was on his phone I wanted to smack it out of his hands.

Me too.

I know we're going to have to have a talk with him tonight. Not looking forward to it.

I know what we have to cover is:

1) We were serious about the yelling and screaming and slamming...he's done it once. He won't get to do it 3 times.

2) We want to help him get on his feet and back on his own. But he has to do the work. He has to look for work and be serious about it getting back out of our house.

3) He can come and go as he pleases like we said, but he can't stay out all night and sleep all day. He will need to get up at a reasonable hour and job hunt. That's the reason he's there.