Most difficult years of my life

[BusynMember]

Suggestion: always call the cops for a crime. Most teens get bullied, some badly. In his case he stole, bragged about the amount and got bullied for his choice to steal and brag. Never let illegal acts against you by ANYONE go free. It just showed him he can get away with STEALING from you and it was a lot of money .... But he has a sob story. Sorry but boo hoo. Most kids are bullied. Few steal from parents because of being g bullied.

So now he is 20 and still thinks he can get you to drop everything and pay for his messes even when he steals, which is what he did to your credit card. And after he stole at age 20 from your husband's credit card, his dad is there the next day all willing and eager to forget about this transgression and help him get his life together in the flat, evrn putting up with his sons public abuse. Is something wrong here?

Did you turn him in for the credit card theft? Give him consequences? If not, expect more of the same. He will keep stealing from you. Why would he stop?

There are some pArents who are 80 years old and still supporting and "helping" their 60 year old kids because they feel so bad for them. So it is not possible for anyone here to force you to change your ways. NOr should we be able to. It's your choice.

I did try hard to show you a few things and for me it is now up to you. If you feel you must take care of him, rescue him, and shield him from his crime and responsibility and his drug use, you will do it. If you allow abuse and crime against you because he is your son, you will do it too. No one can change your approach.

For me, I feel I said it all, and I hope you can do what you need to do to take your life back and give son a chance to adult and get sober and give your other loved ones quality time with you....time not focused on son. You can do it. But you have to get help and really do it. Just like your son has to get help from professionals and implement it in order to change. Again, it is all about change. You first. Husband too. Your son acts like a Prince, expecting you to pay for him even when he steals.

What you are doing is not working for anyone. Yet you are addicted to doing it. For now.

So I wish you well and hope you are willing g to do the hard work you must do to stop living your life to save your son. You never will be able to do that.

Hugs and love

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thanks SWOT.

 

[RN0441]

Guidance:

I think every parent on here is guilty of some sort of enabling. I never knew what it was either! I thought that it was love. I learned a lot on this site. You will too.

Have some self compassion for yourself. This is not an easy way to parent and it is not what comes natural for any of us.

I had to see a therapist to help me with boundaries. I think that would be a good idea for you (or anyone) as well that is dealing with this. Some go to groups also but for me I preferred to work on my OWN problems but I do have the benefit of this forum to help hear from other parents going through the same thing which is also priceless.

 

[Guidance seeker]

I’ve only been on this forum a short while but I’m learning a lot from it.

There are some really supportive people on here - yourself included.

I will look into seeing a therapist as I do need boundaries - even for me to stop constantly worrying.

You’re right, it isn’t an easy way to parent and it’s not something any of us expected to happen. I have a lot of learning to do and want to stay on this forum to read about others and to get support myself.

 

[recoveringenabler]

GS, you're doing a good job. This stuff is HARD. Don't judge yourself or compare yourself to others, we all have our unique story and we all work our way thru this at the rate our hearts can handle. You're very hard on yourself. My suggestion, along with others, is to look into therapy.... but also to make a commitment to yourself to be more kind, compassionate and loving to YOURSELF.

It's obvious how much you love your son, however, if you put the focus on yourself and learn to honor yourself, you will not only model that to your son, you will naturally make healthier choices out of your sense of self care and balance.

It's easy to get into patterned behavior with our kids over many years where we give and give and take care of and support and ultimately enable.....but, as you're seeing, there comes a time to change that because we see it just isn't working. Change does NOT come easy to us humans, we tend to fight it. However, because you decide to change behavior that goes back years, doesn't mean it's going to happen ASAP.....it's going to take time......it's like stopping a run-a-way train. That's what you're up to....stopping a run-a-way train. Give yourself a break, give yourself time and above all else, give yourself gentle kindness and compassion.

Get yourself as much support as you can to help you thru this GS. Hang in there....

 

[Littleboylost]

Mom of a 26 year old heroin addicted son. His problems began around age 13, when his father committed suicide. He began smoking pot and eventually switched to selling it by age 16. Probably around age 16 he started taking pills. He barely graduated high school and dropped out of his first semester of college after meeting a meth addicted girl that he got pregnant. The baby was born and the mother pushed the baby in his stroller in front of a car. The baby then entered the foster system but is cared for by her grandmother. My son then started stealing from my husband and I (by then I had remarried). First it was three guns out of a gun collection we inherited. Because we were able to retrieve the guns, we did not charge him. That was the first of many enabling mistakes. After that, he stole checks out of my checkbook and wrote himself checks in the amount of $6,000 dollars and cashed them. Again, we should have charged him. Because we didn't, the bank would not refund the money. He continued to steal cash from my purse until we finally threw him out of the house. He went to jail several time for petty theft. He went through three cars we bought him, either wrecking or trashing them or selling them for drug money. Then my husband and I moved out of state for job transfer and he was homeless, living with one friend after another. After six months he called and said he wanted to join us in CO. He drove out there and I helped him detox from methadone. For two years he held a good job and did well while living with us. Then all of a sudden he decided to try heroin. It has been straight downhill ever since. He hooked up with another meth user girlfriend and they left the state for a vacation and were caught in KS with meth and heroin and were arrested. Stupidly, I signed on his bond. He jumped bail and I am out $12,000 dollars. That was the last straw. He is hiding from the police somewhere in Kansas but I am finally finished with him. I just cannot do this anymore. So all of you who are dealing with sons or daughters heading down the path my son took, please do not enable them like I did. It just makes things worse. I did it out of love but it was a mistake. My son never had love for me. He just used me until I was used up.

Welcome DocW;

You did what was in your heart to do for your son, because you love him. I am so very sorry you need to be here but know you are not alone.

I hope you are being good and kind to yourself. We all enable to one degree or another. I am also guilty as charged. My son is 18 and was in jail less than 30 days after turning 18. We had him arrested for credit card and bank card fraud.

If you can benefit from anything know this, post like yours give me strength to carry on with detaching from my son. It feels awful but I know now, because of all the people who share on this site, including you, that I am doing the right thing. If my son has a chance to change this is it.

Drug addicts are incapable of loving and very capable of destroying those closest to them. We must learn to love ourselves, protect ourselves and heal our selves. You are not alone.

Big hugs to you.

 

[Guidance seeker]

RE - Thank you, I was feeling pretty weak earlier as others seem so strong. I appreciate your words, they always help me and give me strength.

I really want to change, I don’t want this to continue forever. I have to change myself - the way I think, the constant anxiety and the enabling. I need to concentrate on other things. When I first put him out, I concentrated on getting fitter at the gym and doing up my house. It’s just the past 5 weeks have been so awful - the evictions etc.

I have worked as a mental health nurse for all of my adult life and have dealt with so many difficult and traumatic situations, you’d think I would know how to deal with my own son but in reality I don’t, it is so much more difficult when love and emotions are involved. People at work and friends who know about the problems I’m having have told me how resilient I am and how well I cope. When I took up a mindfulness course, my daughter asked me why and said I was one of the calmest people she had ever met. On the outside, I appear very strong but in reality I’m not which is why I found this forum and why I have posted so much and been so honest about my weaknesses (I even find it hard to do confidentially) - I guess I found it very therapeutic and was looking for guidance.

 

[Littleboylost]

RE - Thank you, I was feeling pretty weak earlier as others seem so strong. I appreciate your words, they always help me and give me strength.

I really want to change, I don’t want this to continue forever. I have to change myself - the way I think, the constant anxiety and the enabling. I need to concentrate on other things. When I first put him out, I concentrated on getting fitter at the gym and doing up my house. It’s just the past 5 weeks have been so awful - the evictions etc.

I have worked as a mental health nurse for all of my adult life and have dealt with so many difficult and traumatic situations, you’d think I would know how to deal with my own son but in reality I don’t, it is so much more difficult when love and emotions are involved. People at work and friends who know about the problems I’m having have told me how resilient I am and how well I cope. When I took up a mindfulness course, my daughter asked me why and said I was one of the calmest people she had ever met. On the outside, I appear very strong but in reality I’m not which is why I found this forum and why I have posted so much and been so honest about my weaknesses (I even find it hard to do confidentially) - I guess I found it very therapeutic and was looking for guidance.

GS
I am a nurse as well with a variety of expertise. Like you I am in the very same boat. If people saw the anxiety and paralytic stress I am under I am certain they would wonder about my sanity.
I had a great day at a new position supervising specialty infusion clinics. Until a text came over my son. Now I am at home full of anger and anxiety eating at my soul.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL - I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a text that’s spoiled your day. Anxiety is so hard to deal with and it can only take one piece of news to trigger it off.

You are an inspiring person and you take so much time to support so many people on here.

I really hope that the anger and anxiety passes soon so that it doesn’t eat into your evening.

 

[GoingNorth]

Preventing someone from calling 911 is a felony. If it happens again, press charges as soon as possible.

 

[strangeworld]

When our hearts are involved it makes decisions difficult. Years of nurturing...loving...and yes enabling. And there are kids who are spoiled growing up and enabled who end up succeeding in life, having great relationships with their folks and others. Our kids have taken a difficult path. Honestly sometimes I don't see how any kid can turn out mentally healthy in the era of internet, cell phones, texting...rampant drugs. And I wonder how many parents go through this but don't say anything to anyone because they are completely demoralized and embarrassed and ashamed. Probably a lot.

My daughter is 19, homeless, but comes "home" once in a while. I can't let my mind go to the dark places...where I wonder if she's in the hospital (again)...in jail...or with her boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) who is also extremely unstable. When I do start going to the dsrk thoughts, I come here where there is,an abundance of acceptance and non judgement.

My daughter sleeps in the park I think or maybe in someone's backyard or couch. Maybe prostitution...maybe not. Maybe been raped...maybe not. We didn't kick her out...she chooses this. She won't talk about anything but she texts me asking which is cheaper to buy sushi..Safeway or Raleys or if it is going to rain. She says "I love you" often in texts. Our kids will not know how much we love them until they have their own kids (hopefully and when they are mentally ready and clean of drugs). Our kids don't know that we are their biggest cheerleaders.

It's the most difficult and heartwrenching thing to have to do....disengage and detach. Get out of their way while finding our way to a bit of peace while still knowing they are struggling. Some struggling to live...burdened by depression or other mental illness exacerbated by self medicating with the "cure all wonder herb" marijuana or alcohol or other drugs. I still have not been able to detach. I think I am doing great til she wants to come home for a day or two and I honestly don't know how to act around her anymore. Untangling a mess that has taken a good 5-6 years to develop is not going to be easy.

Hugs to you and I hope you will be able to find some peace. Change is so hard and especially when we have to let go of the people we would die for so they can grow up.

 

[Sam3]

I’ve wondered too what my son was thinking, jacking me up over some very particular thing or dollar amount.

I figured it was for a hit/dose that would make things right for him for a minute.

It is a sad state of affairs when they are doing that kind of math. But if you can think of it as all under the same umbrella effort to “score,” then “what they are thinking” isn’t really part of the analysis. It’s just seeking

As desperate and obvious and stupid and devious and pathetic their actions are, at the same time they speak to how difficult addiction is for them to live.

So he may be an art afficionado or may have already thought of a way to flip it, or may be obsessed for some other reason. Maybe even in some strange way to save face.

Just say no for whatever reason it is that you don’t want to, apart from the enabling issue.

I’ve made the mistake many times of knowing or strongly suspecting “what he is up to,” and denying something on that basis with my suspicions explained. That always makes for at least ten minutes of awful.

As they say in al-anon — “No” is a complete sentence.

 

[so ready to live]

Guidance.
To learn the concept of No was extremely difficult for me.

Just say no for whatever reason it is that you don’t want to, apart from the enabling issue.

There is a story from one of the boundaries type books of an older couple whose drug addled son begged for $ once again for "housing". In haste they said yes and upon getting off phone had regrets. When within a day they had not wired funds their son called angry, spewing vulgarities when he realized that finally they had said "no" and they were able to say we changed our minds.
Isn't it odd that many times we feel we have to keep our word, that it's not ok to decide a new thing? I have those boundaries in place with others but not so much with my son. Yet, it is my son who regularly doesn't keep his word...about alcohol/drug use, $ situations etc.

Once when there was cash missing again at our home, My purse was hidden-he really had to hunt for it that time-I confronted him, when discovered, via text. His answer was "it's no longer living, it's survival, you don't understand". So dramatic. I agreed I couldn't understand choosing to steal and it is a choice, from the people who had continued to love and support him through it all. We blocked his phone after that and didn't let him in house, if he showed up we visited on porch. My hubs then let him know we would call him to invite, not to just show up anymore. I hate it this way but it has to be. It certainly doesn't mean we don't love him-it's just that HE doesn't love him and I can't watch that anymore..so painful when it's in your face.
Don't be hard on yourself. When we know better, we do better. It is indeed a process and a very long road.

Our son also has learning disability but certainly knows right from wrong. It helps me to remember that many times my "help" says to him that I don't believe he's able to figure it out on his own and that's disrespectful of him. So I try each day to respect his adult choices, poor though they may be in my eyes. This is hard stuff. We are here, keep posting. prayers.

 

[Littleboylost]

There is a story from one of the boundaries type books of an older couple whose drug addled son begged for $ once again for "housing". In haste they said yes and upon getting off phone had regrets. When within a day they had not wired funds their son called angry, spewing vulgarities when he realized that finally they had said "no" and they were able to say we changed our minds.

This sounds like a story from “Don’t Let your Children Kill You”. Excellent book. I learned a lot reading it and it was the beginning of taking my life back.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Guidance Seeker, your posts just make me cry and cry, I feel every drop of your hurt and pain. My son sounds an exact replica of yours and my fears match yours. I too live in the UK and feel the constant worry of my son being homeless. May we give each other strength on the harrowing journey we find ourselves on. Hugs to you somewhere in sunny England!!

 

[Guidance seeker]

Strangeworld - I really feel for you, it must be so hard. You can’t make her come home or make her change but you know that she would have a much better life if she did. I really hope she discovers for herself that this isn’t the way forward for her. Detaching is incredibly hard, I’m feeling that at the moment. It tears at us and sends our minds in turmoil at whether we are doing right, but the evidence seems to point to it being the right thing, it seems to be what our adult kids often need, I really hope that I’m strong enough to do it.

Sam3 - must money requests seem to boil down to drugs. Even buying them food is as they’ve spent their money on drugs already - then it’s so hard to let them go hungry. We are hard-wired to put our children before us and it requires a whole new way of thinking to detach and stop enabling. I’m struggling with it but use “No” as a complete sentence often in texts nowadays - in the past I would say “No” and give reasons to justify it.
Now saying just “No” actually feels quite strong.

So ready to live - Yes, I have often said yes under pressure, regretted it and then thought I couldn’t change my mind again and yes, they are the ones who don’t keep their word and don’t care one bit about it.
My son stole so many times from us, it still feels strange being able to leave money lying in the house without hiding it as for around 4 years before we made him leave, we had to hide everything.

LBL - I’m making notes of what you advice to read. I think it will help.

LOS - Hello from another UK mam. I had a look back at some of your posts and there are so many similarities - even you checking messenger to see when he was last on-line to check he’s ok - I do that loads.
I think we will give each other strength and I really hope we can both look back on these days in a better future with the wisdom to guide others on what worked for us.

 

[Littleboylost]

Strangeworld - I really feel for you, it must be so hard. You can’t make her come home or make her change but you know that she would have a much better life if she did. I really hope she discovers for herself that this isn’t the way forward for her. Detaching is incredibly hard, I’m feeling that at the moment. It tears at us and sends our minds in turmoil at whether we are doing right, but the evidence seems to point to it being the right thing, it seems to be what our adult kids often need, I really hope that I’m strong enough to do it.

Sam3 - must money requests seem to boil down to drugs. Even buying them food is as they’ve spent their money on drugs already - then it’s so hard to let them go hungry. We are hard-wired to put our children before us and it requires a whole new way of thinking to detach and stop enabling. I’m struggling with it but use “No” as a complete sentence often in texts nowadays - in the past I would say “No” and give reasons to justify it.
Now saying just “No” actually feels quite strong.

So ready to live - Yes, I have often said yes under pressure, regretted it and then thought I couldn’t change my mind again and yes, they are the ones who don’t keep their word and don’t care one bit about it.
My son stole so many times from us, it still feels strange being able to leave money lying in the house without hiding it as for around 4 years before we made him leave, we had to hide everything.

LBL - I’m making notes of what you advice to read. I think it will help.

LOS - Hello from another UK mam. I had a look back at some of your posts and there are so many similarities - even you checking messenger to see when he was last on-line to check he’s ok - I do that loads.
I think we will give each other strength and I really hope we can both look back on these days in a better future with the wisdom to guide others on what worked for us.

GS

Here is the book and I too often found I would be guilted into complying to behaviours I knew would enable my son. This book really gave me the strength to say no and make it a complete sentence.

I got the title wrong.

https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Let-Your-Kids-Kill/dp/0967979056

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you LBL.