Most difficult years of my life

[Guidance seeker]

Does anyone else sometimes find they slip back into helping again?

I have found that I did today. I took him for food and took him to a pawn shop where he sold a few more things to get a hotel tonight.

He struggles to walk following the machete attack operation and his knee is swollen. It’s pouring down and I just felt horrible leaving him.

He says he may have to steal now to get more money as he has none. I didn’t give him money but I gave him a bag of food as well as buying him a McDonalds.

I just feel overwhelmed by his problems and find it so difficult to leave him to struggle. He’s paid for his hotel tonight.

On the plus side, he has been much more respectful the last 2 days and has tried to help himself. He should get his flat by Tuesday and although it isn’t furnished, it’s a roof over his head.

 

[Littleboylost]

I struggle with this also. I don’t think acts of kindness (buying a meal or giving them) is wrong if they are appreciative and not manipulative. What we each do and don’t do is what we are comfortable with.

I am pleased to hear that your son is behaving better towards you.

Stealing is a choice. There are many things he can do to get help for himself that don’t include stealing. Remember he is living the consequence so if his actions and if he does not do this there will be no motivation for change.

Not easy stuff.

Big hug to you.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL, he was appreciative today and it was nice to see him show a bit of maturity but as the time we spent together went on, he started asking for a small amount of money
- only £2. I’d already offered to order him a takeaway tonight so I refused and he kept saying “Please mam, how can you leave me like this”. I started getting angry with him and had a bit of a rant about how it was his fault completely and bringing up all the things he had done - I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed again with all of his problems.

He had eventually pawned my mam’s crucifix this morning (he said he was going to a few days ago) and said it was for his hotel tomorrow but it seems the money has gone because he owed it to someone - that was stressing me too. I know he will most likely buy it back next month as it means a lot to him but it still makes me distressed.

Now I’m back home and calm, I feel guilty that I shouted. Up until the last 30 minutes, it had been a good day and gave me a tiny bit of hope of improvement.

Once he gets in his flat, I think I will find it easier to let go (I hope).

 

[recoveringenabler]

GS, most of us, perhaps all, go up, down and sideways in helping our kids....we love these people, they're our children.....even when they go off the rails, it takes us time to figure out how to stop enabling them and how to detach from their choices.

Don't judge yourself. Don't bother with guilt. Do what your heart can stand. And then let it go. I am detached from my daughter in almost all ways now, but as I progressed thru that journey, I stepped in various times to help her. I may do it again too if the circumstances presented themselves. What I've learned is that each incident requires it's own individual solution. Once you heal from enabling and begin your own recovery from that, you can learn to trust yourself to make choices in each individual situation and make that choice out of the truth of the situation..... not stuck like cement into enabling, giving & rescuing them every time......where we don't allow ourselves to see other options.

We may never get to what typical parents deal with, but we can learn how to access each situation truthfully, from a balanced sense of our own well being and act accordingly. In the beginning when we are learning how to not enable it's different, we usually need to step back completely to figure out how to proceed in a healthy way. As we step back, we recover from the intensity, fear, obligation, guilt, sorrow and demands that codependency/enabling creates for us. We act out of the dysfunctional, patterned enabling, not out of healthy solutions which work. Over time, our own recovery allows us to make different choices. However, it doesn't happen overnight. We all go all over the place for awhile. After all, we are literally learning an entirely new way to parent and to respond.

I like that your son is more respectful too. As I stepped back from my daughter, she became very respectful. He's also paid for his hotel tonight. Good choice. Stealing is a choice. If he chooses that and gets caught, that is his consequence to deal with. Not yours.

You did a good job. Don't judge yourself. This stuff is very, very hard. We all do the best we can under enormous pressure. Try to have a good day today. Do kind and nourishing things for yourself.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you recovering enabler, it’s hard to get it right all the time and you’ve made me feel much better.

When I look back, I have come a long way from the days I was giving him large amounts of money to pay off drug debts - What was I thinking of? Giving him money out of fear of what may happen. Then when I would put up with the stealing from me and him smashing my things. It took me a long time to actually involve the police, even longer to press charges and even longer to put him out and take out a restraining order.

Every decision I made to be strong has been incredibly difficult and every time it has proved to be for the best - for me, my husband and daughter if not for him.

I’m going to struggle to get through these homeless few days, I remember when i first put him out in April saying I would let him fall so far but not as far as living on the streets but the night before last, he did sleep out for the first time ever and I refused to help.

My husband is sick of me constantly talking about my son so I’m trying to curb it. Thank goodness for this forum because I really do need to talk and need feedback too. I appreciate every comment that people take time to write.

 

[BusynMember]

I was able to step out completely money wise BUT both of my difficult adults got jobs and did not need things like food. One lived in hotels for a while (not nice ones) that ex paid for. Son was near me so sometimes I dropped by and we went to fast food. Or visited.

My oldest had stolen off dad'scredoy card for porn but not after age 20. In spite of the fact that he can be nasty, we are close and I couldn't bear not to visit or bring goodies. Sometimes.

He was not on drugs though.

I did it until ex moved up, bought a condo and let son live with him.

Every day we have to look at ourselves in the mirror. We have to do things that make our reflection bearable to us.

My daughter was told to leave due to drug use, but she was able to get one brother to let her live in his basement as long as she got a job, paid rent, didn't use drugs even once in his home (cigarettes included) and cooked and cleaned for him and his tenants. She did it all and straightened out so there was no need to step in. She did have to walk back and forth to work sometimes in the evening, in Chicago's s coooold winter, but she had a warm coat, hat gloves and boots and never even got a cold. Her brother refused to drive her to and from work and she had no car and we had no intention of buying her one and we knew Chicago weather wouldn't kill her. So we did not feel guilty about her and it really seemed to adult her.

Again, it is about what we can stand. We have to live with ourselves.

I am close to both adult kids now. They never talk about how I threw them out. I am grateful.

 

[recoveringenabler]

When I look back, I have come a long way from the days I was giving him large amounts of money to pay off drug debts - What was I thinking of? Giving him money out of fear of what may happen.

Oh GS, we've all done that. I once showed up at my daughter's storage unit and wrote a check for her back fees, $1400.00, and that was only a tiny part of what I ultimately ended up giving her.

Every decision I made to be strong has been incredibly difficult and every time it has proved to be for the best - for me, my husband and daughter if not for him.

Yes that's my experience as well. However I believe my daughter benefitted too. It just looks different.

Thank goodness for this forum because I really do need to talk and need feedback too.

Yes, thank goodness for this forum. I agree. It saved me. Post a lot GS. Post all the time. Get the whole story out, it's so cleansing and healing to do so.

Hang in there. It's going to get a lot better. We're all here for you.

 

[Guidance seeker]

A lot of people on this forum have come such a long way and it gives me hope. I love to hear the stories of how things got better once parents detached - it keeps me going.

 

[Littleboylost]

Don't judge yourself. Don't bother with guilt. Do what your heart can stand. And then let it go.

Well said RE!

In the beginning when we are learning how to not enable it's different, we usually need to step back completely to figure out how to proceed in a healthy way. As we step back, we recover from the intensity, fear, obligation, guilt, sorrow and demands that codependency/enabling creates for us. We act out of the dysfunctional,

It is indeed a process it is not an on off switch. Some times I am better Gwen overs and I used to best myself up. I am so much better now. Even when my son says well you have done such and such before for me why not now. I have learned to say. Not this time or NO is a complete sentence. I have gotten a lot stronger.

When I look back, I have come a long way from the days I was giving him large amounts of money to pay off drug debts

Me too! When I think of what I used to do. It’s like observing a person in a bubble of madness void of any common sense. Some of the things I have done and paid for I still can’t beleive I did.

And even as I sit and write this I have had a text from son saying he misses me. Well then come home dumb ass. I have not kicked him out, he is choosing to stay away with girlfriend.

He has suggested we do something together. If they are not high I would love to spend time with them. Of course they will be broke so it will be me that pays. As along as they are polite and appreciative, I don’t mind and I don’t feel this is enabling. I also got son a winter coat. He needed a new one and it is subzero freezing here. I got him a warm coat and I did wait until it went on sale and I did not get him the designer one he had his eye on. Just practice and warm. He thanked me and I know he appreciates that.

He is my son and these are the things I do that I do not feel enable him. If he sold his coat I would never replace it or buy him another one. He is now good at not selling his belongings. Now if we can get him off the drugs and to stop stealing that would be fabulous.

I do tell him I love him dearly and that it will take time to heal all the wounds. Time for him to heal in rehab and time for us to heal in therapy and as a family.

He is more accepting of the upcoming rehab. Let’s hope he gets his butt in there this time.

GS the first time I caved and totally enabled my son and felt like such a failure. I hesitated to post it here. When I finally did I got such tremendous support and of course the kick in the but I needed (ever so gently). I wish I had not have been so hard on myself and isolated myself in shame. There is no need. It is what it is.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL I am going to try my best not to pay for a hotel this next few nights. I really want him to appreciate how important it is to behave when he keeps his flat and not lose his tenancy. I can’t guarantee to myself that I will not cave in especially that his knee is now so swollen and painful following his operation. He’s supposed to be resting it.

When I saw him hobbling down the road earlier today, I felt so hard and cruel - the fact that he is being respectful isn’t making it any easier either.

I want to stay strong and make him experience the consequences of his actions though. I really want him to learn from this.

 

[Sam3]

Every decision I made to be strong has been incredibly difficult and every time it has proved to be for the best - for me, my husband and daughter if not for him.

I’m so glad that this is happening and that you are realizing it.

It would be so much easier if you could turn off the sound and just witness the silent movie I’m reading about.

He got himself a place two nights in a row. He was less than an a-hole to you. It is raining on him now — but real precipitation — not some manufactured shitstorm he hides behind to manipulate. Don’t add sad music to the soundtrack because of the weather. Try Chariots of Fire. His struggling is likely to be strengthening

Hopefully he’ll remember the real warmth and dryness that that comes with being in a better place, where you guys are rowing in the same positive direction.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Today, my morning started with the police at my door asking if I knew where my son was. He has been linked with a theft from a motor vehicle.

I gave them the address of the B and B that he stayed in last night.

Tbh, i don’t feel overly worried about that one thing. I think it’s just another piece of his nightmare puzzle. It’s strange how something that would once cause my so much anxiety becomes just another thing, i felt the same when he was almost kneecapped in the machete attack. The anxiety and worry is there every day anyway.

I worry much more nowadays about homelessness than potentially going to prison.

I still feel completely overwhelmed with the homelessness situation and I’m even worried about his lock up that runs out in a few days as it’s filled with junk that is potentially stolen but in amongst it are his own belongings - potentially his passport, clothes etc and it is all mixed up in a mess. I have such an urge to go there and sort it out before he loses everything but I don’t want to be linked with handling anything that could be stolen.

Why do I let myself get so worried and feel so responsible? I think it’s because I want to control the chaos to make myself feel calmer. My own life is very organised and all in order and I think that’s how I want things to be with him. The thing is, if I try to sort things out for him, more problems spring up somewhere else.

 

[Littleboylost]

Oh my dear DS

My son was arrested last June, caught on a stolen bycicle with a back pack full of stolen goods from peoples cars. The term they use here is called car hopping. He was in the throws of actively using multiple drugs heavily. Cocoaine, Benzos and pot was the cocktail of the day.

I was in the throws of learning how family to detach. We had rented a footage on a lake up north and were there when we got the phone call. It destroyed the rest of my holiday week. I cried non stop. I was so sad, bitter and angry.

He had a family friend bail him out. We have since spoken to close friends and explained our situation with Difficult Child. The thanks this friend for was that son took off on her.

This was when he dragged me down the swirley Whirley path of drug addiction, lies and deceit. He refused to go to a homeless shelter. He refused to get on a bus and come north to us. I ended up putting him in a cheap motel. He called crying and begging to come home said he knew he had a probl m and wanted help. Said he would go to rehab.

Long story short lies, manipulation, more drug use and theft continued. We declared we would never bail him out again and we stuck to our guns until this last stretch of theft and incarceration. He knows this time if he does not go to rehab he will be facing time in prison.

My son had a mess of a life and it is so hard to to step in and clean it all up for them. I know I am with you I live this every day.

I care more for mys of these days and work more on me than my son.

Reading, attending support groups and being here have helped so very much.

Two books and lectures that have helped me very much are Living With Uncertainly and Don’t Bite the Hook. Birhxby an amazing woman Pema Chodron.

Pema Chödrön bibliography - Wikipedia


Know you are not alone.

I pray someday your son and mine will wake up and stop this madness.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL - I can’t express how much of a support to me you have been this last few days. Thank you.

There were things at my house that we kept here following his eviction from the first hostel at the start of November as we had to clear his room (they wouldn’t let him) so we brought it home as he was homeless. After the police visit this morning, I started to be concerned as I’m not sure if these have been bought legally or not.

I decided to take them to his lock up with him and I also removed anything from the lock up that I knew belonged to him for sure - his tv and clothes etc because the lock up rent expires in a few days and I didn’t want him to lose his own things.

The day turned into 6 hours spent with him - taking him to a probation appointment and to an appointment about a voucher for second hand furniture.

He was ok with me but I was nagging at him about all of his problems that worry me. Also when I picked him up from the B and B, he had a toolbox that seemed to have randomly turned up overnight - the fact that he’s still involved in something (not sure what) stressed me and I seemed to get myself on a roll about his life.

I didn’t stay strong as I don’t when I’m with him and I put money towards a cheap hotel for him the next 3 nights. I didn’t ask how he raised some money. Once he was booked in, his attitude towards me changed - I’m not sure it was because he had got what he wanted or if it was because I have nagged so much. Anyway,
It ended in an argument.

I came home feeling very upset. His mess of a life completely overwhelms me so much.

I know I have enabled and really wanted to stay strong. I’m a bit ashamed of myself. On the plus side, I didn’t give him money when he asked and didn’t call to a friends house who had something for him to take to the scrap man (sounded too dodgy). I wasn’t going to post this on here as I’d been doing so well but I decided to post it anyway and admit I’ve messed up again and enabled.

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL - I can’t express how much of a support to me you have been this last few days. Thank you.

There were things at my house that we kept here following his eviction from the first hostel at the start of November as we had to clear his room (they wouldn’t let him) so we brought it home as he was homeless. After the police visit this morning, I started to be concerned as I’m not sure if these have been bought legally or not.

I decided to take them to his lock up with him and I also removed anything from the lock up that I knew belonged to him for sure - his tv and clothes etc because the lock up rent expires in a few days and I didn’t want him to lose his own things.

The day turned into 6 hours spent with him - taking him to a probation appointment and to an appointment about a voucher for second hand furniture.

He was ok with me but I was nagging at him about all of his problems that worry me. Also when I picked him up from the B and B, he had a toolbox that seemed to have randomly turned up overnight - the fact that he’s still involved in something (not sure what) stressed me and I seemed to get myself on a roll about his life.

I didn’t stay strong as I don’t when I’m with him and I put money towards a cheap hotel for him the next 3 nights. I didn’t ask how he raised some money. Once he was booked in, his attitude towards me changed - I’m not sure it was because he had got what he wanted or if it was because I have nagged so much. Anyway,
It ended in an argument.

I came home feeling very upset. His mess of a life completely overwhelms me so much.

I know I have enabled and really wanted to stay strong. I’m a bit ashamed of myself. On the plus side, I didn’t give him money when he asked and didn’t call to a friends house who had something for him to take to the scrap man (sounded too dodgy). I wasn’t going to post this on here as I’d been doing so well but I decided to post it anyway and admit I’ve messed up again and enabled.

Firstly GS there’s is no messing up. We are parents and we love our children. She do what our hearts can bear for us to endure.

Detaching is a process. You didn’t pay for drugs or give him money. You put a temporary roof over his head. If anything it at least buys to peace of mind. Now try to focus on dong something nice for yourself today.

I am not a highly religious person. I am very spiritual. Recovering Enabler recommended some MEID ation and readings I have posted a link to below. They have helped me so. Pima is so incredibly practical and down to earth. She is a great influence.

Pema Chodron

Don’t take the Hook was a very helpful read and it can find her lecture for free on YouTube also

Detachment is a continuum of the heart and the Brain. Some days the heart wins our over the wisdom of the brain. This does not mean we have failed at anything. We are simply loving parents in the most challenging times of our lives.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you LBL, everyone seems so much stronger than me on here but your words always make me feel better. I’ll look at the links you sent.

I’m off to work a night shift in an hour. It’s 7.30pm here. It’ll take my mind off things.

Tomorrow is a new day and I have promised myself a day off from him. He has a room so he doesn’t need me tomorrow.

 

[recoveringenabler]

GS, drop the guilt, don't do that to yourself. Every single one of us here has given our kids more than we likely should have. So what. There are no detachment police who are going to show up at your door berating you for loving your son and not wanting him to be homeless. No one here is going to judge you. The only person judging you is YOU. Love for our kids obscures everything. It takes us parents quite awhile to come up with a strategy that works. And, every one of us makes lots and lots of mistakes (if you can call it that)......we do our best......that's all any of us can do....and we self correct......that's being human.

Detachment is a continuum of the heart and the Brain. Some days the heart wins our over the wisdom of the brain. This does not mean we have failed at anything. We are simply loving parents in the most challenging times of our lives.

Well said LBL.

There is no failing. There is only learning. And, we're helping each other learn a new way.

Be kind to yourself GS.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you RE. I guess detaching is a slow process to learn and I’m going to have dips along the way. As long as I don’t go backwards and keep focusing on not enabling , I will get there.

 

[Guidance seeker]

I’m feeling so angry tonight. The hotel we helped him pay for needed a bank card details to book in. My husband gave his although it was booked in my son’s name. My son had no card.

My husband visited him and there were beer bottles in his room. He has no money. My husband rang the hotel and my son has ran up a bill of £84 at the hotel bar which is charged to my husband’s card.

We didn’t think about him being able to charge things to the card when we booked.

I’m so angry and so upset. What possesses him to be so bad with us? I thought we were helping him when he was so desperate but he doesn’t see it that way, he sees it as his right! He thinks he should be living at home with us as if nothing ever happened and thinks that we have made him homeless.

I refused to talk to him on the phone tonight as I was so angry and he texted that I was a “drama queen”.

Detaching from him does seem the only way forward and I’m angry with myself too for making things too easy for him when he was homeless - probably because I couldn’t stand the thought of him on the streets.

He gets his flat tomorrow. He needed a character reference and I couldn’t think of one single person to ask. Eventually a support worker gave one.

I want to hold this angry feeling to stay strong because I’m annoyed with myself at how often I feel sorry for him and help him despite the 4 years of hell he put us through and continues to do so.

 

[Littleboylost]

Don’t hold the fact that your are a kind and loving mother against yourself. You are afflicted with the same misfortune as many of us; having an ungrateful addicted troubled child who is not presently capable of appreciating your kindness.

Do something nice for you and your husband. Appreciate the good things that you do.