Most difficult years of my life

[BusynMember]

Maybe you need therapy to help you. He doesn't have to be homeless. He could clean up, get a job, or just TRY and be nice to you and live in your house. He makes himself homeless by refusing to follow societal rules.

If you ever get the urge to house him again, call the hotel and make sure you tell them that son is not to charge anything on your card without them calling you and asking you first. Put him somewhere that has no bar. The substance abuse is very strong with him and he refuses to even admit it's s problem and THAT is why he is homeless.

Until he starts following reasonable rules and quits substances, you can't expect him to change. Addicts are a bit crazy. Their brain is not right.

I hope you decide to get help, live your life with joy, and learn coping skills so that you don't go broke trying to put a roof over his head. Hebseems to not be able to follow rules that would allow him to stay in places you find for him. Let him find his own places. Or not. He doesn't appreciate your help.

You are good and kind and deserve a good life even though your son is not making good choices.

in my opinion the best thing you can do for yourself is to limit the time you read your son's texts or talk to him and never check his social media as he will use it to either hurt you or guilt you.

I hope you do go for therapy. Good night.

 

[Guidance seeker]

SWOT - I agree with you totally that I need some form of therapy. Tomorrow I intend to contact the nearest nar-anon group and find out about attending. I need guidance so badly.

When he was kicked out of the homeless accommodation for the firework incident last week, I started off as so strong and did absolutely nothing to help him which felt incredibly hard but for a short period seemed to make him quite respectful (after the initial verbal abuse that I had “made him homeless”). He managed to raise money for the following 2 nights but after that he had no money he could get and that is when we put him up in a hotel.

I need to change my attitude towards him and to stay strong. I find the anxiety overwhelming at times and felt relief when we put him up in the hotel although the anxiety didn’t go away as I’m never sure what he will do.

I take on his problems as my own problems and worry about them constantly, I need to learn how to stop doing that. I have no control whatsoever over his problems and the choices he makes and things regularly take turns for the worse because of his terrible choices.

I want to enjoy my life again. I have so much - I have a good husband and a wonderful daughter who I am so proud of. I have great, supportive friends too. It feels so unfair that I have worked hard all my life and tried to make wise decisions for a good future only to have it ruined by my selfish son who believes I owe him everything. My husband is so down with us running around after him. We have both said that once he moves into his flat tomorrow, we will have to back off a lot and stop bailing him out.

 

[BusynMember]

Your husband is right and you can start your new focus by spending time with your blessings. You have each other...you and hub. Go back to dating, get to reconnect, make a deal with him to only talk about son five minutes a day and don't touch your phone when you are doing something together. Don't allow son to intrude. Why give him he power to come between you? Husband has to let go too. You both do.

And your daughter. You probably spend so much help time living through your son, mentally solving his endless problems, that she gets set aside. Is it fair? No. Often the good kid gets shorted attention and you are depriving yourself of her company too. When with her refuse to allow son to intrude. Don't listen to your phone. Don't talk about him to her. You don't have to. Build a relationship with her that is about you and her. She doesn't need to hear the latest bad choices her brother makes.

Most of all, do the things for yourself that you love to do and maybe don't do anymore, be kind to yourself and don't allow son to intrude in the time you spend doing things you love to do. No phone. You really in my opinion need to stop answering or even reading all his texts or answering his phone calls. They are all about his bad luck, as if he didn't cause it, and to make you feel bad. Why give him your ear? Maybe answer one text every third day.....
..

Your son is choosing a rotten life and is not, at the moment, nice at all. Yet he is your entire world. The amount of time you give to son is also a choice. Giving too much time and money and too much of your very life is your choice. Just like your son can get help and decide to change, so can you. Your obsessing over him has not made him better at all. And it has made you almost float out of your body and into his as you angst over him more than he does. He doesn't WANT to do better. If he did, he would act better and show remorse.

He is not your cute little boy anymore. Don't see him that way. He is a grown man and you are allowing him to destroy and overshadow everything else, including all the good in your life. What's the point? It doesn't help him. It hurts you and your other loved ones. That is all it accomplishes.

On that note, I wish you to move forward with your life and get help so you can be YOU again instead of being him. Lots of love and light from me.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Your words are so wise SWOT, another thing my husband has told me is that he is so fed up with me constantly wanting to talk about my son. I think I’m seeking comfort and reassurance but you’re right, it is completely taking over me.

I have always been the weaker one since my son’s chaos began and I think I have made the situation a whole lot worse by enabling - even though my intentions were always good.

At the start, I was completely clueless about how to deal with him and I did all the wrong things. In my head, I believed this was all a phase and he would soon change again. I’d never heard of enabling and was quite naive about how far my son would go to gain money. I have come a long way but I have still further to go. I’ve even considered selling up and moving away so I can detach but my husband and daughter don’t want to go.

 

[Sam3]

Hi.

A dad on the forum made the observation recently that anger, though deserved and cathartic, isn’t always a reliable source of strength for how to deal going forward.

I find that to be true as well. For me, anger can be useful to remind me of the terrible context in which I’ve already had to set boundaries, but if I react out of anger in deciding next steps, I end up second guessing myself and feeling very guilty.

If I allow myself to cool off, the next steps are more likely to be a response to where my son is, rather than a reaction to what I feel. FWIW

 

[BusynMember]

It is late here. I am always not tired when I pull a night shift. After this I have to get some sleep.

I found it much easier to detach after my daughter left. Although she was more willing to follow rules than your son, so that she did not blow it with her roof, I no longer worried as much about her drug use or if and when she would quit. I had two littles to raise and.by some higher power, I believe, was guided to focus on the healthy ones. It worked! For my daughter once the money was cut off, she got a job and walked to and from work in Chicago cold winter's, got promoted, paid rent, listened to her brothers house rules and quit meth and cocaine and other nasty drugs.

I see parents eventually getting to where we were earlier on. And that is when it seems many of our kids turn their lives around, after we pull out and make them fend for themselves. Some who quit drugs and changed were very hardcore. It took them knowing we were done helping and rescuing for them to get serious and do something. Not all did or do. Some are too invested in their addiction. They aren't better, but their family is doing better. A few are disabled, I think, and can't become self sufficient without assistance and refuse to get it. But I will always believe that the only motivator that works for drug use is our quitting our unhelpful help. They may not choose to change once we pull out, but from over ten years on this forum it seems like the more involved we are and the more we give them and the more we let them use us as doormats, the less they are willing to change. They don't have to change. We will save the day. They know this. They also feel we are weak if we fall for their guilt trips. No respect is earned by being a slave to an adult child.

Some of this comes from years of reading here. Some comes from my daughter who has been done with the meth/come for so long. But she still remembers. So do I.

If we don't change nothing changes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. The best predictor of the result of something we do is how it worked in the past. If we don't change, they don't either. It works for them.

I hope you can have some peace today. Try putting your phone away or only answer it or read if you are sure it isn't him. That is a good place to start....detach from his phone contact and social media. Nothing changes if you don't change.

Be well and see if you can change it up today. The key word is change.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you SWOT, I must change, scary as it feels to leave him to his own consequences, I am determined to change.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Sam3 - I agree bad decisions are often made in anger. I refused to talk to him on the phone tonight and only texted because I was so furious I think I would have said a lot of things I would regret.

 

[docwatso]

Mom of a 26 year old heroin addicted son. His problems began around age 13, when his father committed suicide. He began smoking pot and eventually switched to selling it by age 16. Probably around age 16 he started taking pills. He barely graduated high school and dropped out of his first semester of college after meeting a meth addicted girl that he got pregnant. The baby was born and the mother pushed the baby in his stroller in front of a car. The baby then entered the foster system but is cared for by her grandmother. My son then started stealing from my husband and I (by then I had remarried). First it was three guns out of a gun collection we inherited. Because we were able to retrieve the guns, we did not charge him. That was the first of many enabling mistakes. After that, he stole checks out of my checkbook and wrote himself checks in the amount of $6,000 dollars and cashed them. Again, we should have charged him. Because we didn't, the bank would not refund the money. He continued to steal cash from my purse until we finally threw him out of the house. He went to jail several time for petty theft. He went through three cars we bought him, either wrecking or trashing them or selling them for drug money. Then my husband and I moved out of state for job transfer and he was homeless, living with one friend after another. After six months he called and said he wanted to join us in CO. He drove out there and I helped him detox from methadone. For two years he held a good job and did well while living with us. Then all of a sudden he decided to try heroin. It has been straight downhill ever since. He hooked up with another meth user girlfriend and they left the state for a vacation and were caught in KS with meth and heroin and were arrested. Stupidly, I signed on his bond. He jumped bail and I am out $12,000 dollars. That was the last straw. He is hiding from the police somewhere in Kansas but I am finally finished with him. I just cannot do this anymore. So all of you who are dealing with sons or daughters heading down the path my son took, please do not enable them like I did. It just makes things worse. I did it out of love but it was a mistake. My son never had love for me. He just used me until I was used up.

 

[Guidance seeker]

docwatso - I am so sorry to hear what a horrible time you have had. You have been through so much for 13 years and every bit of help you gave was taken advantage of. You did it all out of love for him just as I have done over the last few years for my son. We feel at the time that we are helping them and believe they will turn their lives around.

I could easily see my path continuing as yours did in years to come if I don’t detach from my son.

Thank you for your advice, I will really try to back off from rescuing him and make him face the natural consequences of his actions. Our sons may change one day and that would be great but even if they don’t, I think we need to look after ourselves and live lives that we enjoy rather than living in the chaos that they create.

 

[Guidance seeker]

I just cannot understand my son. He is due to get his flat today, his dad is with him and trying to help him. He’s actually going to get his own place and there are a lot of things to organise today but his main concern is that he wants a picture for his flat that costs £4 and wants us to buy him it.
His dad has said no because there is too much else to organise - he has no furniture and no money and the electricity and gas need organised and also he ran up that huge bar bill.
So he has embarrassed his dad in a coffee shop by going on and on and swearing about not being bought the picture and he has rang me to tell me he hates me and that I’m a lier because I said I would help him to get things for his flat.
I just don’t understand how his mind works. All the important things that need organised today and he is focussed on a £4 picture.

 

[BusynMember]

Why even answer the phone? Have you talked to your daughter today (not about your son?) You will be miserable until you stop your thoughts on him all the time. Why? You will never know. Chances are he will blow this too. Look up Radical Acceptance.

If I had been your husband I would have left. Your son is old enough to organize his flat. If it's a mess it's a mess. Big deal. It's his place and he is entied to keep it a mess. He is not a child.

Dont do it for him. And realize that you have other people and issues in your life. Not one time has doing it for your son even been met with a thank you. Or changed him one bit.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your husband is helping your son again and so, like the status quo, he is acting like a completely entitled arsehole (sorry, but he is). You read his text which is the status quo so now you are pulled right into his crappy vortex and are miserable again. Nothing changes for you or him if you don't change.

I do not know if you believe in a higher power, but if you don't just remove the word God and read the wise serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

This journey is all about our change for ourselves and loved ones.

 

[RN0441]

Guidance:

I think the reason your son is acting this way is because he is an addict. I doubt this flat will last because until he realizes he has a problem and is forced to make a change he most likely will not.

I don't know how old your son is but we were finally told that we could force our son to change. We didn't have to wait until he was ready. If he did not change, then goodbye.

We were told this by a therapist he had last year. She was a former addict also but now is married with a child and a therapist herself. We sent our son to many rehabs and therapists over the seven years since this all started. We thought it was a phase. He'd go months sober and then binge and raise holy hell in our home. When he is sober he is kind and loving. He was an adorable little boy that everyone loved like most of the addicts here.

Our son is now in a long term faith based program. This came after two suicide threats last year and time in psychiatric wards each time. His girlfriend called on him both times. Hell on earth is the only way to describe being the mother of an addict that just WON'T stop. We have started to see some change in him but let's face it, that's not real life. The real change comes when they are truly free to use and choose not to. A therapist that is specialized in addiction has helped me detach and create firm boundaries. He needs this as much as I do.

I have been praised by many therapists on how strong my boundaries are. The only thing stronger than the boundaries I have set is my love for him. I really had to do it this way to survive.

Good luck and stay strong.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't know if there are readily available rehabs in the UK, RN. It is a different system there.

Also, not all addicts act out as badly as this ones kid. While I am sure drugs doesn't help, what was he like before? My daughter was into bad stuff but never called us horrible names. Of course, we also stopped "helping" her at all once she left. And we acted very proud when she quit but we never threw a party or Ave her stuff afterwards. She was well able to do it herself, even college. We did not want her to feel she needed us in order to succeed. So we didn't really put ourselves out there....she knew we wouldn't hear her out if she got abusive.

This adult kid in particular needs to get his act together or he is going to do something very illegal. Maybe it would not harm him to have to detox in jail....again no idea how it works in the UK.

 

[Guidance seeker]

SWOT - I answered the phone because his dad was assisting him to get his tenancy and I didn’t know if they needed to ask me something. He has an infection in his knee from the machete attack and cannot walk far, we live in a city and he had to travel to sign the tenancy, go to the flat and then get his clothes and some bedding that is being stored at ours. That is why his dad helped.

My daughter has been working all day and has recently come home. I do spend time with her, I have always made a conscious effort that she won’t suffer or miss out and she is the main reason that I took out the restraining order on my son - she was suffering because of all the trouble. She is a very level headed, happy person and we get on really well. She has a full life with a great boyfriend and friends. My husband hasn’t talked about leaving me, we have been together 25 years and until the last 4 years, we have had generally happy lives.

I just posted because I was frustrated in what my son sees as a priority. I had been gaining a lot of strength from posting on here and it prevented me from going on about him to my family. I guess my anxieties get a bit overwhelming sometimes and I’ve posted a lot this last week or so, probably too much but it’s just because I felt pretty desperate.

I have arranged to go to nar-Anon meetings as recommended on here for support and I am looking into seeing a therapist as I accept that I need to stop enabling him.

RN0441

He’s 20 years old and is an addict. I agree his flat will probably fall through. Social services had referred him to the learning disabilities team following a care act assessment and supported accommodation was going to be looked into but in the meantime he managed to get himself evicted from homeless and make himself completely homeless.

It will happen again I think and there’s nothing I can do to help if it does as nothing works.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Also, not all addicts act out as badly as this ones kid. While I am sure drugs doesn't help, what was he like before?

Before the drugs, he was loving and basically a good kid. He always had attention deficit problems but not behavioural problems. He would worry too much about friends falling out with him and I don’t think he felt he fitted in although he always had friends. The problems began when the friends he has now started to bully him for money (he was taking it from our account unknown to us when he was 16). He ran away and this All came to light when 2 separate adults went to the police to tell them what their son’s were doing to him - holding him down and burning him and his clothes etc to get him to access money from us. He however denied this to the police and protected these “friends”. They still treat him badly. After running away, he was great for 6 weeks then one of these friends blamed my son for a burglary that he was caught doing and my son went completely off the rails and never got back on them.

 

[BusynMember]

How did son have access to your account? None of our kids ever had.

My daughter was assaulted in a park by bad people and chased and threatened by many. If she had not gotten into drugs and bad people these things would not have happened. Don't get me wrong. I was devastated and eventually sent her to a new start in Chicago. But I'd daughter had chosen better friends, not to sneak out at night to a rough park and had not owed money to drug dealers none of this would have happened. These were hard, awful consequences of the lifestyle my daughter chose. When you hang with criminals, you get hurt. How did your son's vile abusers known he had money? On another topic did you turn your son into the police for theft?

I am thinking your son bragged about his theft to bad people. It all starts with their risky, poor choices. Bad things happen when our kids go into the dark instead of chosing practical safety and nice friends.

I am sorry for what your son went through and my daughter. But neither acted in safe, sane ways. Under those circumstances, crimes against them are inevitable.

 

[Guidance seeker]

He took the card and must’ve seen us put in the PIN. Back when he was 16, we trusted him conpletely. He was the kind of person who would hand in money if he found it. We were naive to problems like we have now and had nobody in our family that was untrustworthy.

I don’t know how his friends found out he knew our PIN. He must’ve told them. I think initially he tried to please them to fit in (I think he still does).

The only clue I had to problems starting before he ran away was the friends he had suddenly got, I knew he hated these kids previously as they picked on him, also the school warned me he had got in with a bad crowd. He dropped his old, decent friends.

His new friends were from a completely different social background with drug user parents, parents in prison etc, one of the mothers would even “borrow” money from my son, they saw us as rich (we’re not, we just worked hard and are probably about average) but compared to them, my son will have seemed it.

 

[BusynMember]

Did you give him serious consequences for stealing? I just never wanted my kids to know they could break the law and get a reprieve so I would have reported it and probably gotten him no birthday or Christmas presents. I did this once when our 13 year old charged money for thousands for porn movies. He was sad and pouty at Christmas and pouted on his birthday but we explained he had already taken money for "gifts" and would get no more.

He never stole from us again. If he had, the police would have been called. The only reason he got a second chance here was that he was not even in high school yet. Once in high school we would have reported him.

 

[Guidance seeker]

No, I did nothing. He had just been found after being missing, we had found out about the bullying from the police and When the police questioned him, he took all the blame and said he hadn’t been bullied. I was new to all this, thought it was because of the bullying and made the wrong choice.

Since then I made lots of wrong choices and made the situation worse, it is only from last year that I put him out etc and I am now trying to detach.

I know I have made things worse and I regret so much. I was clueless at how to handle it all and had never heard of enabling .