Star*
call 911........call 911
Hey dot -
I had to think about this for a long time. Mostly because when I saw that you went and found her? UGH. (slaps forhead and thinks - and we discussed????? what?) lol. Okay - everyone makes mistakes. Over, done - put it in a bubble and blow it away. It's over. Nuf sed.
I don't know anyone in the world that likes to be rejected. Not since the beginning of time - grades school - (oh lord don't pick me last for dodgeball I'll get called childish names) - Middle school -(please don't pick me last for softball - I'll be a social outcast) in High school - (Really? I'm this cute and I didn't get voted home coming queen? Court? Not even most likely to knock your stupid annual off the corner of your desk you absolute svckup) And then finally in my marriage and even with my own husbands family - I was a reject...SO when will I ever fit in??? Well maybe with my own son. Annnnnnnnnnnd....???????? Nope again. So I dunno I think I've had a life-time of being rejected, and watching others be rejected, and bullied and I don't like it. Not one little bit. Not even to see it on TV. Not in real life and CERTAINLY not here with my friends. I hate cliques, I dislike mean people....and I can't stand anyone that abuses a child or an animal. But now? I am big enough to do something about it and.......I've had years of therapy enough to stand on my own two feet, be a decent enough person in my own skin to say what I think - and outspeak bullies, mean people, and wrong-way antagonists. It only takes a voice of one - to change a mob. Somedays. If I think I'm right? I'll stand there all day. Prove me wrong? I'll move - otherwise - you're in for quite a battle.
In this case? With your daughter? You admitted you were wrong. I'm sure that was incredibly hard to do. Mostly because the reason you were wrong is because SHE was wrong -correct? Well in YOUR mind she was wrong. In her friends minds she was wrong. In everyones mind but hers? She was wrong, but what everyone and you have to realize is that you and me, and her get ONE life - and the life she has? Is hers to do with as she pleases. Right or wrong ---it's her life. If she wanted to marry a chimpanzee - that's her right. It would be wrong, but it's her life. So in your thinking you know what is right for her - you went about telling her this man was not right for her. You went about it in a way that you felt would get the point across, and when that didn't work? You upped your tactics, and upped them, and upped them, and upped them. Which unbeknown to you? Worked right into the hand of the man who was working at the time to isolate her. SO while you are desperately trying to help her - you helped him. NOW you see that. So what can be done to UNDO it? How can you get her back? Did you push her into his arms? Well, not really. We're all of a mind of our own. And I doubt seriously that she's staying with a man she'd consider a looser just to spite you - so that thought can get erased. She's staying with him - because either she wants to - OR because she thinks she wants to. (ah there's a little hope in that isn't there???)
If she wants to stay with him there's not much you can do. Again it's her life. If she's staying with him because she THINKS? she wants to - well there are a few things you can do and I'd recommend doing them because IF she's not with him because she wants to be - and she comes seeking answers some day (not any time soon - trust me on that) YOU will need to have a few things in place.....and those will be -
Domestic violence counseling - FOR YOURSELF. 1.) because you abused her. You were an abuser, and you need to find out why. What fueled your anger so much. Why you couldn't stop, why you persisted in taking things out on her to a point where she doesn't like you any more. Why her? Why Him? It's abuse. I'd want to know why. I'd want to FIX THAT in myself so I would NEVER do it again with her - with any of my other children, with any friends, co-workers or myself. Even my spouse. (even if you both are estranged in the same house) - I'd want to know what makes me tick like that. There is an underlying reason for the anger.
Domestic violence counseling - FOR HER - 2.) Because if he is abusive? Maybe not physical, but mental, or verbal? Someday you'll be able to recognize ALL the signs - not just the obvious ones - and in knowledge is POWER ----and you'll be able to HELP HER - with WORDS.....and KNOWLEDGE - NOT DO THIS - DO THAT - DO THIS - DO .......you'll suggest things ---and let her decided for herself what is best. You can't make her do anything - again - THIS IS HER LIFE. It can take years to get over domestic violence abuse no matter WHO did it to you. It's about 1 year in counseling for every 2 years of abuse. (roughly)
Therapy ---of ANYKIND - helps us understand our shortcomings - and find out WHY we do the things we do and helps us ACCEPT them.....and become better people. In becoming better people???? We become happier, more pleasant people to be around. In doing THAT? People WANT to be around us. Ever met someone that walks into a room and people just WANTED to be around? Wasn't it just amazing? What did they have, know, do, say? Mostly? They understood themselves and accepted who they were and were comfortable in their skin so much - and made others feel so good about themselves first. -----When you get to that point in YOUR life - (and it takes a while - years perhaps) THEN your daughter will see you for the person you REALLY ARE without all the facades, and stress and not only will you be a better person who likes herself - it sets an example for your daughter of HOW to live - YOU made a mistake - you got help, you found a way to forgive yourself, you worked to improve yourself, and you made someting good come out of something bad.
IF in the end of all this - your daughter decides - NO -----NO I still won't forgive my Mother, or no-----I don't want anything to do with you. The thing that is hardest for me to explain to you now is - YOU will have worked towards TRYING to repair this relationship with yourself first - which is the only relationship you have control over, and in doing so? YOU gain self-confidence, self appreciation, self-worth, self-awareness, self-love, self-tolerance, self-compassion - and all those things you gain for yourself naturally and eventually - spill over into relationships with others - if your daughter doesn't come along? It will still hurt - but you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that YOU did do every single possible thing you could do on the face of this earth to show that you were willing to make amends - and be a better person.
I won't promise that she'll ever come back to you dotty - I can't - I'm not her. What I can tell you is that if you start working on YOURSELF....the one person you can take charge of - and REALLY throw yourself into fixing what you can control? Life will be happier for you. It gets harder - because as you go through therapy - you may have to face and deal with some really ugly things you've locked away and haven't dealt with for so long you forgot they were there. But with a good therapist? It's like all the bad, horrible, rotten things in our life - we stuff and stuff and stuff into a storage facility. When one locker is filled - we shut the door, and rent the next space and so on and so on all our lives until the place is SO FULL? It's ready to burst and we have no space left and then we just blow up and people we know or love and sometimes we have no idea why.
Therapy for me was a lot like - going into those storage buildings and cutting the locks off the door - one at a time and sifting through all the years gone by -and the junk and re-organizing my brain and my thoughs and shredding bad memories as I came to them - and having someone professional to stand there with me so I wouldn't be afraid or anxious when I came to a memory that haunted me or had bothered me from my childhood and we worked through it, dealth with it, and either put it in the shred pile - or put it in a happy memory box - and when I was done? I had a new, empty storage facility that was clean and ready for GOOD, HAPPY memories for the rest of my life - and when I came to horrible and bad or tragic things (like the death of my son) I took from them what I needed - and discarded, shredded the rest. I had learned and taken good tools from therapy in dealing with sorrow, anger, hate, blame, forgiveness, dealing - and I left THOSE in my head.....so when soemthing came along I knew just how to organize it....deal with it - and where to put it so my head didn't get cluttered and leave me a mess - yelling, and shouting, and demanding ,and wanting.......
It did NOT take away my edge - It did not make me weak - and I still - (trust this) have moments where I could throttle people or wish things bad happen. When that happens I know I need to think, relax, de stress, talk to a freind, walk the dog - use one of my tools -------not react. And because of THAT? I have a son that THINKS a little more (mind you a little) before he acts now and is using MY example as HIS template. (most days -groan)
Something to think about - because gosh I don't know anyone that likes to hear - WOW star you are NUTZ - I think you need a shrink or a better yet - lets call the PLanters wagon and get you one of those baskets and some shrink wrap - size xl....and the P.A. announces softy..(nice white coat - aisle 3.....nice white coat aisle 3) - But I dont' know anyone I won't talk to and tell them - I'm depressed daily - I take 3 welbutrin - and I believe in therapy ....cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR therapy - and I belive in the power of this board and its friends and love. AND I ALSO BELIEVE in listening to the majority....of the good advice......(lol)
(skips off to the tune of their comming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm) *I should have called our Ranch the FUNNY Farm....not the D.A. Ranch. Wonder if it's to late to change it now? Or maybe the Crazy A Ranch ......OH and If I move it closer to being Ghetto Fabulous - Yo' Crazy a Ranch Farm ....snort....no no no ......It's still the Dragon A Ranch......nothing ever gets done here in a hurry -but we have lots of time.
Just like you dot - there's lots of time......and right now? That's what you have - time - so use it constructively --------and to your advantage.
YOu are loved. You should know that today.
Hugs
STar
I had to think about this for a long time. Mostly because when I saw that you went and found her? UGH. (slaps forhead and thinks - and we discussed????? what?) lol. Okay - everyone makes mistakes. Over, done - put it in a bubble and blow it away. It's over. Nuf sed.
I don't know anyone in the world that likes to be rejected. Not since the beginning of time - grades school - (oh lord don't pick me last for dodgeball I'll get called childish names) - Middle school -(please don't pick me last for softball - I'll be a social outcast) in High school - (Really? I'm this cute and I didn't get voted home coming queen? Court? Not even most likely to knock your stupid annual off the corner of your desk you absolute svckup) And then finally in my marriage and even with my own husbands family - I was a reject...SO when will I ever fit in??? Well maybe with my own son. Annnnnnnnnnnd....???????? Nope again. So I dunno I think I've had a life-time of being rejected, and watching others be rejected, and bullied and I don't like it. Not one little bit. Not even to see it on TV. Not in real life and CERTAINLY not here with my friends. I hate cliques, I dislike mean people....and I can't stand anyone that abuses a child or an animal. But now? I am big enough to do something about it and.......I've had years of therapy enough to stand on my own two feet, be a decent enough person in my own skin to say what I think - and outspeak bullies, mean people, and wrong-way antagonists. It only takes a voice of one - to change a mob. Somedays. If I think I'm right? I'll stand there all day. Prove me wrong? I'll move - otherwise - you're in for quite a battle.
In this case? With your daughter? You admitted you were wrong. I'm sure that was incredibly hard to do. Mostly because the reason you were wrong is because SHE was wrong -correct? Well in YOUR mind she was wrong. In her friends minds she was wrong. In everyones mind but hers? She was wrong, but what everyone and you have to realize is that you and me, and her get ONE life - and the life she has? Is hers to do with as she pleases. Right or wrong ---it's her life. If she wanted to marry a chimpanzee - that's her right. It would be wrong, but it's her life. So in your thinking you know what is right for her - you went about telling her this man was not right for her. You went about it in a way that you felt would get the point across, and when that didn't work? You upped your tactics, and upped them, and upped them, and upped them. Which unbeknown to you? Worked right into the hand of the man who was working at the time to isolate her. SO while you are desperately trying to help her - you helped him. NOW you see that. So what can be done to UNDO it? How can you get her back? Did you push her into his arms? Well, not really. We're all of a mind of our own. And I doubt seriously that she's staying with a man she'd consider a looser just to spite you - so that thought can get erased. She's staying with him - because either she wants to - OR because she thinks she wants to. (ah there's a little hope in that isn't there???)
If she wants to stay with him there's not much you can do. Again it's her life. If she's staying with him because she THINKS? she wants to - well there are a few things you can do and I'd recommend doing them because IF she's not with him because she wants to be - and she comes seeking answers some day (not any time soon - trust me on that) YOU will need to have a few things in place.....and those will be -
Domestic violence counseling - FOR YOURSELF. 1.) because you abused her. You were an abuser, and you need to find out why. What fueled your anger so much. Why you couldn't stop, why you persisted in taking things out on her to a point where she doesn't like you any more. Why her? Why Him? It's abuse. I'd want to know why. I'd want to FIX THAT in myself so I would NEVER do it again with her - with any of my other children, with any friends, co-workers or myself. Even my spouse. (even if you both are estranged in the same house) - I'd want to know what makes me tick like that. There is an underlying reason for the anger.
Domestic violence counseling - FOR HER - 2.) Because if he is abusive? Maybe not physical, but mental, or verbal? Someday you'll be able to recognize ALL the signs - not just the obvious ones - and in knowledge is POWER ----and you'll be able to HELP HER - with WORDS.....and KNOWLEDGE - NOT DO THIS - DO THAT - DO THIS - DO .......you'll suggest things ---and let her decided for herself what is best. You can't make her do anything - again - THIS IS HER LIFE. It can take years to get over domestic violence abuse no matter WHO did it to you. It's about 1 year in counseling for every 2 years of abuse. (roughly)
Therapy ---of ANYKIND - helps us understand our shortcomings - and find out WHY we do the things we do and helps us ACCEPT them.....and become better people. In becoming better people???? We become happier, more pleasant people to be around. In doing THAT? People WANT to be around us. Ever met someone that walks into a room and people just WANTED to be around? Wasn't it just amazing? What did they have, know, do, say? Mostly? They understood themselves and accepted who they were and were comfortable in their skin so much - and made others feel so good about themselves first. -----When you get to that point in YOUR life - (and it takes a while - years perhaps) THEN your daughter will see you for the person you REALLY ARE without all the facades, and stress and not only will you be a better person who likes herself - it sets an example for your daughter of HOW to live - YOU made a mistake - you got help, you found a way to forgive yourself, you worked to improve yourself, and you made someting good come out of something bad.
IF in the end of all this - your daughter decides - NO -----NO I still won't forgive my Mother, or no-----I don't want anything to do with you. The thing that is hardest for me to explain to you now is - YOU will have worked towards TRYING to repair this relationship with yourself first - which is the only relationship you have control over, and in doing so? YOU gain self-confidence, self appreciation, self-worth, self-awareness, self-love, self-tolerance, self-compassion - and all those things you gain for yourself naturally and eventually - spill over into relationships with others - if your daughter doesn't come along? It will still hurt - but you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that YOU did do every single possible thing you could do on the face of this earth to show that you were willing to make amends - and be a better person.
I won't promise that she'll ever come back to you dotty - I can't - I'm not her. What I can tell you is that if you start working on YOURSELF....the one person you can take charge of - and REALLY throw yourself into fixing what you can control? Life will be happier for you. It gets harder - because as you go through therapy - you may have to face and deal with some really ugly things you've locked away and haven't dealt with for so long you forgot they were there. But with a good therapist? It's like all the bad, horrible, rotten things in our life - we stuff and stuff and stuff into a storage facility. When one locker is filled - we shut the door, and rent the next space and so on and so on all our lives until the place is SO FULL? It's ready to burst and we have no space left and then we just blow up and people we know or love and sometimes we have no idea why.
Therapy for me was a lot like - going into those storage buildings and cutting the locks off the door - one at a time and sifting through all the years gone by -and the junk and re-organizing my brain and my thoughs and shredding bad memories as I came to them - and having someone professional to stand there with me so I wouldn't be afraid or anxious when I came to a memory that haunted me or had bothered me from my childhood and we worked through it, dealth with it, and either put it in the shred pile - or put it in a happy memory box - and when I was done? I had a new, empty storage facility that was clean and ready for GOOD, HAPPY memories for the rest of my life - and when I came to horrible and bad or tragic things (like the death of my son) I took from them what I needed - and discarded, shredded the rest. I had learned and taken good tools from therapy in dealing with sorrow, anger, hate, blame, forgiveness, dealing - and I left THOSE in my head.....so when soemthing came along I knew just how to organize it....deal with it - and where to put it so my head didn't get cluttered and leave me a mess - yelling, and shouting, and demanding ,and wanting.......
It did NOT take away my edge - It did not make me weak - and I still - (trust this) have moments where I could throttle people or wish things bad happen. When that happens I know I need to think, relax, de stress, talk to a freind, walk the dog - use one of my tools -------not react. And because of THAT? I have a son that THINKS a little more (mind you a little) before he acts now and is using MY example as HIS template. (most days -groan)
Something to think about - because gosh I don't know anyone that likes to hear - WOW star you are NUTZ - I think you need a shrink or a better yet - lets call the PLanters wagon and get you one of those baskets and some shrink wrap - size xl....and the P.A. announces softy..(nice white coat - aisle 3.....nice white coat aisle 3) - But I dont' know anyone I won't talk to and tell them - I'm depressed daily - I take 3 welbutrin - and I believe in therapy ....cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR therapy - and I belive in the power of this board and its friends and love. AND I ALSO BELIEVE in listening to the majority....of the good advice......(lol)
(skips off to the tune of their comming to take me away ha ha ho ho he he ha ha to the funny farm) *I should have called our Ranch the FUNNY Farm....not the D.A. Ranch. Wonder if it's to late to change it now? Or maybe the Crazy A Ranch ......OH and If I move it closer to being Ghetto Fabulous - Yo' Crazy a Ranch Farm ....snort....no no no ......It's still the Dragon A Ranch......nothing ever gets done here in a hurry -but we have lots of time.
Just like you dot - there's lots of time......and right now? That's what you have - time - so use it constructively --------and to your advantage.
YOu are loved. You should know that today.
Hugs
STar
I'm almost 52 and I just feel like I'm too old to change or make any difference in mine or my children's lives. They are virtually all adults. My baby is almost 18. I'm trying to have a better relationship with my youngest daughter, and I'm hopeful to have something with her. The stress in our family caused by my daughter and the void she has left in all our lives is hurtful to everyone. At the dinner table, there is one empty chair, in her bedroom there is always an emptiness because all her belongings are gone. It's not so much about her not living at home. She's an adult, I get that. But even though she lives not far away, she is isolated by Bozo, and she is happy that way. My daughter really wants no contact with me. She hates me down to my core and I am trying very very hard to accept that fact and let her go. Does it get any easier? How do you just forget one of your children. Am I really that bad? Haven't I been punished enough? There is no hope for us anymore. All I can do is pray for her happiness and well being, and I will every single day. 
