Dmb,thanks for caring. You know what the unit is like. But it was different for me.
My Mother passed away many years ago. Her damage was to all of us, even though I doubt my sublings realize it. They probably blame my dad, who passed in August 2017.
But it was my mother who ran the household and my mother who handed out our roles. I was the Scapegoat. I was born getting under her skin. I saw the weirdness early and, unlike you, was not a good little girl. Bad from infancy to her. I had early signs of depression, anxiety, defiance and was ultra sensitive. I felt early on, way more than kids usually understand I think, that she didn't like me and I called her out on it and fought back. Not only did she hurmiliiate me and name call and belittle me, the kids at school did too. There was no sanctuary except...
My grandmother, my mother's mom, adored me. All her life we were very very close.Fortunately I had her until I was 37! My grandma favored me always, pretty much told me so, and my mother just hated me more because her mother tried to help me. I thank my grandma for my ability to love deeply and intimately. My brother, the golden child, was very close to me as a child too but he moved far away as an adult.
My mother never stopped her worship of him. And it was worship. I don't blame her for choosing him as her golden child if she had to have one. He is a very special, kind and brave person. Sick as he was, he never gave up or took it out on others. He still works full time! Many with his illness don't work. My sister was the.lost child who developed a lifelong eating disorder, even after she was able to get closer to my mother.
The family was never cohesive. My sister did not invite my brother to her wedding. He embarrassed her. He was too ugly in her eyes to let her sororiety sisters see him. This is the truth.But he wasn't ugly. He was sick. He had a chronic illness. My guess is that my sister figured out that if she wanted to be closer to our mother she had better make it right with her golden child so she apologized and probably said she was afraid he would die so she tried not to love him or some such untruth like that. I was there. Her main beef with him was that he embarrassed her in front of her cool friends due to his not being attractive enough. She made fun of how he looked and the like until she was almost 30. She not only told ME this, she told my mother! Often! But my mother loved him and fortunately she would never have told him. I am sure of that. As for me and sis, my sister was awful to me and then would come back when she wanted me again. I wrote all about her cops and cut offs on Water-cooler. I just can't write about it again. It's so absurd. And hard to keep explaining.
My Dad was absent, absolutely never home. I didn't blame him. Ever. Mother screamed at him more than me, belittled him etc. He would fight back, often meanly. She, in my mind, was most often the instigator. He loved her. But he wasn't exactly a nice man either and I couldn't count on him. He didn't care that my mother disinherited me. Probably gave it no thought. But there was no way HE was going to do it. He didn't have a favorite.
My parents divorced long ago. I always was thankful to my father for loving me even though he was not emotional about it. But I miss him still. Weirdly, I dream about him a lot and feel him around me....
That is my story in short. Dysfunctional families headed by people with personality disorders always have golden children, scapegoats and lost children. They lack the ability to see the unique wonder of every child and the roles set the kids up against each other. It is hard to be close when you are treated like crap but your siblings either blame you or do nothing about it and stand by the abuser and even deny it, although part of it is that they don't know the whole story and don't want to. After a while I resented golden child and he was rarely home where I lived so we were never close again. But I am sorry for that. He is a good person and he didn't ask for his role. He is still nice.
Usually these children grow up to have trouble with intimacy in relationships but fortunately for me I did not. I deeply love my husband and children, even my more difficult children. I have no idea if my brother had intimacy problems. I hope not. But he as far as I know he has never been in a long term intimate relationship. I hope he has been and I just don't know about it. My sister has an inability to have close intimate romantic relationships. I am not sure she allows anyone to know her inner core, even maybe not her kids, but I don't know. I doubt her closest friends know her deepest secrets. She is distant. She has masks...
I have a fantastic support system from my amazing husband and fantastic kids and am making strong friendships now. I hope the same for you.
I appreciate being heard, even by a stranger. I have thought about it more now that my father is gone. I have never had the option of being entirely free if I want to be. My dad who I still love dearly lived to be 93 and I had to try with my sister while he was alive. Now I can totally walk away. My father wanted us to all be close. We weren't but I felt I had to try when she would come back after she had cut me off for months or years. Now I don't have to feel bad about that. My father is in the spirit world now and knows more than I do about why this all went down.
It HAS made me much stronger person! I am independent and compassionate towards underdogs and really like myself now. I started out thinking I was terrible and rotten.... I have come very far.
I am sorry that you also knew this way of being treated. It's not fun. I hope you love yourself very much!
and my first husband who left my son and I for another women my mother just couldn't praise my ex enough REALLY but then again this is coming from a women who had an affair with a married man for 40 years, in fact my brother was more concerned about her married boyfriend while on her death bed than the feelings of his own sister, yeah nice ha! No morals! They are so quick to judge me and they are so called Christians yet his mothers betrayal of hurting another woman with children was all OK. I could go on and on but this gives you an idea of the type of mentality I AM dealing with! The irony!
