Darn, i texted back an I love you just before heading to bed
I think that was a perfect response, Seeking. It is healthy, non-commital, and steady state. It can be a go-to response in every situation. If anything is ever going to save any of us, it is going to be love. We are not distancing ourselves from our kids, we are protecting ourselves from their illnesses or addictions or personalities or personal choices.
We do love them, or none of us would be here.
So I like that you said that.
Unless we have made the decision to go strictly no contact, and unless that feels right over time, "I love you" is an excellent thing to say. I have been reading about healing trauma this morning. Each parent here has been repeatedly traumatized. We need to heal, too. Our focus has been so exclusively on our children. We assume we are strong enough. We focus on getting through our situations with our children and are retraumatized as we make our ways through any interaction with them and we ignore that trauma to ourselves. In my reading this morning, I came across this very good thing:
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm
There are many suggestions for finding our feet and our ability to self-cherish and to believe in ourselves again, in this link. One of them: To speak or text to our child ~ or even, simply to remember for our own sakes, the day our child was born. The way it felt to hold them, the way it felt finally to see their faces, to see the family characteristics, and to remember the wonder of everything having to do with that first time we saw them. Those kinds of memories would be an excellent thing to say to our children. They may not hear us at first. That is okay.
We will have spoken the words and changed the dynamic. Whether they hear us that day or whether they hear us ten years from now, we will have named them and armed them and loved them where they are
as is our right and obligation. If we can let go of outcome, if we can just continue to do the right thing whether their response is rabid hatred ~ like when your son tells you he has been watching the obits ~
who cares what he wishes or watches. That does not change you.
Trauma recovery has to do with reclaiming the legitimacy of our own vision, of our own self concepts.
I will say it again, because it resonates so strongly with me regarding healing: We are not distancing ourselves from our kids, or from others we love who have hurt us. We are protecting ourselves from their actions and choices.
But that doesn't mean they get to change who we are.
Detachment parenting teaches the skills we need to protect ourselves. It is a hard thing. But loving them is not a hard thing, even if we have to go back to the day they were born to figure out how do it. They have been busy telling us who
they think they are, and who they think
we are. It is time for us to remember who we
know they are ~ and who we know we are, too.
So maybe, "I love you. I remember when I first held you in my arms and your father was there and we welcomed you into this world." Or whatever the words are that will change the emotional dynamic, here. It is true that we cannot control what they do or how they think. But we don't need to buy into it, nor should we. Love can mean not giving money or support for a badly chosen lifestyle. Love can mean total detachment. At the heart of it, every one of us burns with love for our kids.
We get to say that any time we want to and every chance we get.
What they do with what we know is up to them.
So I like that you told him you love him very, very much. I am going to begin thinking and speaking in these ways with everyone in my life. I am so tired of them victimizing me with their languaging.
I am going to say what I want.
And that is "I love you and I remember when...." And if they want to think about my obit...well, that is up to them.
Cedar
