You guys told me-- D C always come back--Please advise

[Scent of Cedar *]

Love you, Dad. Leaving soon.

That is scarier than talking about his own father's obit. I know this sounds really crummy ~ I know that. But what if you were to text him the number for the local suicide hotline in his area? Or the national one, if you don't know where he is? You know he is reading your texts. You can text that you love him and remember how you loved him the day he was born, too. He has presented you with a situation. Exercise your detachment skills in your toolbox, take what action you can, and tell him you love him. Keep firmly in mind that your child would need to be sober and functioning and absolutely healthy before you will see him, again. Lest you slip into enabling.

That part is not your fault.

Your son made the choices he made. Had he been in his right mind, he would never have done any of the things he has done, not in a million years. Hang tight to that. It is true. There is no guilty party here, and there is no villain. A terrible thing has happened to your son and to your family. That thing, whatever it is, an addiction or an illness or a personality type or a trauma, that is the only bad thing, here. Everything else stemmed from that bad thing that happened.

We need to change the parameters of our thinking. Like me, you and your D H may need to reclaim the right to love him where he is. He does not have to like that you love him. You get to love him forever because you do love him, and that requires no justification and he can do whatever he wants to with that fact. He is also in trouble. You have tried, and you know now that the way to help him is to force him to help himself. So hold strong to that. If that means you turn away, then do it. But no one can tell us we cannot love someone.

No one gets to tell us that.

It's like in that kd lang version of Leonard Cohen's "Halleluiah". The verse which addresses all we've known of love was how to shoot someone down who outdrew us. We get to love them anyway, and they cannot change that.

We also get to protect ourselves from them.

Positively, absolutely.

We love you. Only you can fix your problems.

This was so perfect a response.

Difficult Child texted back, I know. I need to fix some bad habits.

Hope.

I have goosebumps, and I am smiling.

Wise and wary, you two. We have to be wise, really, really so wise, and so wary. That is our best, finest response to all things.

Oh, maybe he is turning for home. With all my heart, I hope this is true for all of your family. When my daughter began her recovery, it was up and down and all over the place. But I stuck to my detachment guns and we did not give her money and we did not let her come home and today, she is coming back nicely.

Wise, and wary, and healthy ourselves. That way, they can know what it looks like to have boundaries and to love our self-destructing people without falling prey to the addiction or the illness ourselves.

Posting on your thread has been helpful in clarifying my own path too, Seeking. I am grateful to have seen what I have seen for myself here, too.

It is a mystery about this site that this happens for us.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

IF Difficult Child has changed, he would most likely spell out what he is doing, that he does not want money, that he is okay, that he just wants to share that he loves us.

This is true. For both daughter and son, these are the things they say when they are taking responsibility for themselves.

After a decade+ of abuse, why does I love you, Mom mean anything?

Under everything, this is his truth; this is a true thing, and it may be one of the true things that will save him. Somewhere in the mess addiction makes of our thinking, that true thing is in there. But that doesn't mean you get to enable.

Whatever he says or does next and until he is strong and healthy again, you do not get to enable. It helped me to look at it just that way. I do not get to enable. That phrase was simple enough for me to rapidly compare what was being said or threatened or offered with what I had learned about how to do this.

I do not get to enable.

I watch for that.

I do not get to enable.

Most certainly, I would love to believe it does mean something. But, we have so many years of experience. I still have not texted him back that I love him, too. I DO love him.

But....wow....husband and I have scorch scars.

Thanks again, because we are certainly processing all of them.

You are thinking so well. Wise, and wary and open. I read something SWOT posted for us. The difference between healthy and dysfunctional relationship has to do with rigidity and fluidity. So in a way, the health of our relationships, however traumatic they might be, has to do with how we think about them, and about ourselves in them.

I like how you two are thinking.

Wise, and wary, and flexible. Not like you have all the answers, and not like you already know how to take care of yourselves and who cares about him.

Just wise (twice burnt and a million times more, right?) and wary.

But open.

Good job, Seeking and D H.

Very nicely done.

But that is me. I am big on deleting troublesome texts. I am also big on denial, so those things may go hand in hand.

Echo, you are so sweet and funny. I love this. I am big on denial, too. I am going to stop beating myself up about that and just admit it.

Whatever is happening is OK. You will know how to handle yourselves. Relationships are long..there is no such thing as ruining them or missing an opportunity in a single moment. If he has changed and is reaching out, there will be more. If he is being manipulative, you have created space and strength and will recognize it and protect yourself.

This is exactly the right thing for us to know and remember every day, about everything. This could be a perfect response to FOG.

This applies to my Family of Origin issues. Like a healing balm, Echo.

Good one.

We relax into the blessed silence and then...here they are again. Ugh. What to do? The feelings and the adrenaline are urgent which makes us itchy to engage.

Oh, this is good too, COM.

That is just how it is. But you are right. It is our own adrenaline that creates our urgency.

Knowing that can help us be stronger, can help us stand up and get our bearings.

I agree with all that not projecting any assumptions at all onto his words. Past history pushes into your mind but who knows? Proceed cautiously.

Yes, this is true, too.

It is hard to stay steady state because we do leap into projecting and hoping and catastrophizing and it is a very hard thing not to define our situations into something they are not by doing that.

Projecting. I will remember that word.

Good one, COM.

Proceed slowly and cautiously. Let time be your friend not just his.

Like a ripening, COM.

I like that concept, too.

You DO love him, AND life is much sweeter without him in it. I think we all understand that paradox.

Yes. A paradox. To be aware that is the nature of our situation and not to be guilty about that. This is a good way of understanding "It is what it is", Albatross. A much kinder to ourselves way of seeing.

Thank you.

Love from a distance. If he is seeking more from you, you will know soon enough and can make it clear that more is not an option.

This is a good way to see waiting and to see being wise and being wary. I am going to employ this imagery regarding all family conflict.

Love from a distance.

I like that very much.

also maybe some attempt at splitting between you and your husband

But it is (very remotely) possible that he had a moment of clarity and regret. At this point it is way, WAY too early to say. Time and consistent change will tell.

Time, and consistent change. If we can think in that way, we can be comfortable where we are, comfortable with things just as they are.

Very helpful to me, this morning.

Seeking? You are going to have to post in more often.

That was a humor.

The implication being that your posting in is resolving my issues.

Which it is.

Life can be funny like that, sometimes.

Let your husband go to work with you. HOld him tight. Open up that tool box again...exercise, have a romantic dinner (and sex! yay!) with husband, read a book, light some candles. LIght a white one for your son, too, as Cedar sometimes does.

We forget these things, don't we, when we are in crisis.

Even the white candle. I forgot my own white candle idea.

Echo? Wait til I tell husband we need to have sex in the interest of a final resolution to my family of origin issues.

He will be so surprised.

We ARE warriors...

We are. But we forget, or I do forget, that warriors stand alone in the night sometimes too, and don't think they might win after all. But a true warrior still does the best, right thing he can know of, to win. Even in the darkest hour before dawn, he does that. Even when he doesn't know how to do it anymore, he does that.

That is what makes a warrior a hero. That he was that alone, and that tired, and he fought the good fight and somehow, believed that, win or lose, his actions matter.

Even when he looks like a fool to everyone else, he still does the right thing as he believes it to be.

Like we do.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

Ah SS, these simple texts that you are sharing with him. Take them at face value. Keep your side of the street clean. Proceed slowly and cautiously. Don't over-project.

When it all boils down to it, it is love that we share with our adult children---at least for sure love on our side, and I believe, for most, love on their side too, even when they aren't showing love.

We are the ones they can strike out the most at. Isn't that such bitter irony?

I have been thinking about the shock value of all of this. Our being "ready" for anything.

Right now my older son isn't speaking to me, due to a disagreement(s) about his wedding. I wasn't and haven't been ready for how he and his fiancee have handled their wedding. I wasn't prepared at all. His generation sees a wedding so differently than mine did. I come at it from that perspective. They come at it from their own current perspective. I have worked so hard to keep my side of the street clean with this very big elephant in the room, but I have failed at least three times. I have apologized each time. He hasn't and now he isn't speaking to me. And I have relaxed into that. He is my easy child (perfect child) and so all of this stuff blind-sided me. I won't bore you with all of the bizarre details (and yes, bizarre isn't too strong a word) but my good friends, the ones who will tell me how off base I am about things, have called the whole thing asinine and ridiculous and beyond the usual wedding problems that mothers-in-law of the groom often report.

Wouldn't you think that with all I have been through with Difficult Child, I would be ready for virtually ANYTHING? That my expectations would be reduced to absolutely zero. About all things and all people. I guess it doesn't work that way.

I have been thinking about the task right now, for me. To completely let go of yet another thing, my son, his fiancee and this wedding. But to do it with grace, love and dignity. To realize (to learn) what is my business and what is not my business. To always ask: Will this really matter in 10 years?

I don't want to have a hard heart. Through all of these past 10 years, with my divorce and my son's situation, I have held on to that wish. I want to have good, healthy boundaries, not a hard heart or a cynical heart.

right now, instead of resisting my son's not speaking to me, or pushing against that, I have been able to relax into it. I need this time to get my head and heart straight, after the decisions they have made and the words we exchanged. I need to get clear about my business and his business. I have reached out to good friends who have gently guided me here, and my husband has as well. I am much better about this, more quickly, even though it still hurts and I don't understand. I don't have to understand. I just have to accept.

Wow, who ever thought life and relationships would be so hard? Especially those we love so much.

Warm hugs to all today. Your words, all of you, help me grow every time. Writing here helps me grow, every time. Thank you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, we make it through these moments and we learn something about ourselves and our habitual responses to life's 'stuff.'
We've learned from our past experiences with our children to tighten up and make assumptions, to be on the ready for the next assault.........and of course, that may happen. It has in the past. What I am learning is that every single moment in life is fresh and new and any old perceptions I may have had, may not be applicable or even real in this particular moment. Your son wrote you texts, that is all you know. The rest is all conjecture, assumptions, learned behaviors........all challenging not to dive into, but nonetheless, that's all you have right now.

In this moment, that's all there is. In this moment, life is exactly as it was before you received those texts. In this moment you and your husband are fine. I am learning to stay in this moment. Not to travel in to the past, not to travel in to the future. The past creates sorrow, regret, resentments, angers....... the future creates anxiety, control. Right here in this moment, I am free to allow life to unfold without what always happened in the past or what may happen in the future. It is a strange dance on a razors edge sometimes, but when I can pull it off, I am SO much happier. And peaceful. And calm. And accepting.

Enjoy your weekend with your husband SS.........enjoy all of your present moments.........simply enjoy......

 

[recoveringenabler]

COM, I can so relate to your story about your sons wedding. This letting go stuff is so prominent in life, it is everywhere, all the time.

It reminded me of my relentless struggle last year about my granddaughter's inheritance and my worry about how she "should" spend her money. I thought is was my "job" and my "responsibility" to help her to spend that money in a practical and realistic way based on my own beliefs, understanding and knowledge. Over Christmas she and I had an argument about it. I was really angry and felt I was right. I emptied my feelings to my husband. And then this little light popped up in my otherwise dark mind, which said, "it's her money, not mine and she gets to spend it anyway she wants and if it all goes awry, she will have to deal with the consequences." I was working so hard to keep her from those consequences. But, I did let go that day.

Fast forward to now. She spent ALL the money. Not too much to show for it, although she did pay her rent and down payment in her new place until October. Now she is scurrying around figuring it all out. Pretty much everything I thought would happen, actually happened. But, the part that I am now seeing is that SHE learned a valuable life lesson. SHE is dealing with the result of her actions just fine, she altered her course of action and is dealing with her choices. She has now seen the error of her ways, she is now responsible for herself in a way she would not have been, had I stepped in and pulled that money out and done it MY way. (which I SO wanted to do!) Letting go gave her the control to make the choices she wanted to make......she had that freedom.....and now she has the consequences. She is 19 and capable of handling it. She has a very new and very good relationship with money now which she didn't have before. She has a very new and very good relationship with responsibility now which she didn't have before.

And, all I had to do was let go. That part was a little tough, but when I did it, I felt free. And she asked me a little later to let go more, that she wanted to take over her life........mistakes are a part of it. She made mistakes. And, she learned.

As mothers it can be so hard to let go. We look down the road and see the possible pitfalls they can't see........but falling in to those pits and learning how to climb back out is what will give them strength, courage, resilience and self respect.

I just thought one day your son may say to you, "Mom, you were right about the wedding, I wish we had done it your way." In the meantime, seems our jobs are to let go, again and again and again. They are grown up people now. They don't need to know what we think is right, unless they ask us. Even then it's a slippery slope. We're learning though. And that is the best part, we CAN learn to change and to grow and to let go.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Will this really matter in 10 years?

That is a good guidepost, COM. Both for letting go, and for determining to leap in and stand up.

Cedar

 

[SeekingStrength]

Your posts are just so overwhelmingly helpful. Thank you.

I was lazy when I posted earlier. This is what I posted to Difficult Child, verbatim: We love you, (his name). We always have and we always will. Certainly hope Difficult Child believed that.

We are not in a contest on CD, but (and I have said this before) IF WE WERE, I would win prize for "meanest Difficult Child". While I read more horrific scenarios sometimes, our Difficult Child is about the meanest toward his parents that I have seen. He has vilified us, made stuff up, been horribly hateful and verbally abusive to husband, me and his siblings. Exaggerated events and seemingly unable to remember all the time and effort and love we put into his raising. Difficult Child was a darling until puberty. We had so much fun as a family.

Then, he changed and it was all our fault. He seems to have totally re-created his childhood. He has taken loving moments and turned them into hatefulness from us. It has been difficult to experience the revision and listen to. Trying to reason with him was fruitless.

Heck, he was hateful when I told him we had to put our 14 yo dog to sleep last year.

This has gone on since he was 15, but accelerated as he got older.

And, yes, we do love him very much. And, at every turn, love is all that matters. It is the most powerful thing we have.

While husband and I work protect ourselves these days (after finding CD forum), we could never stop loving our son. But, we will not go down that road again of being verbally abused. As Cedar says, You cannot unsee what you have seen. husband and I felt the brunt until finding CD. If Difficult Child feels this way, then it is our responsibility to fix it.

Thank again, from the bottom of our hearts.

You guys are priceless.

SS

 

[SeekingStrength]

As you well know, there is a grand likelihood that this is the beginning of another manipulation, and for the most part, past behavior dictates future behavior, so sharpen your tools, get your responses ready if he indeed does show up.

and, so it has begun. Two texts sent about 2:30AM, asking me to please call him because he needed to talk to his mom more than ever before. Then, a missed call about 3:30AM.

He apologized for telling his father to go to hell
remembers me reading to him as a child and laughter
needs forgiveness
girlfriend has broken up with him
was clean for 8 months, now addicted again because of gout and pain pills

It's like he had a check list of things to include (an apology, a memory, etc.)

I have not texted back, though crazily enough, i considered it. husband and I talked and within 15 minutes there was more clarity.

Perhaps later today I will text him that we love him and recommend him finding a 12-step group and a counselor and that we know he can kick this. (That sound good to you folks?)

For new people, Difficult Child is 34 yo and we have years of emotional and verbal abuse from him, which only pretty much ended when his dad and I detached about 18 mos. ago.

My mind conjures up lots of things i want to say--and feel entitled to say, but one thing I have learned on this board is short and civil is best.

Thanks again. We knew something like this was coming.

SS

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, my first thought was that the hours he texted and called are in the middle of the night, no thoughts at all for the fact that you would be sleeping. So, right off the bat, you know that he is not giving any thought at all to you and your husband, just his needs.

Well, I think I would step back and wait. You've been down this road many times with your son. If memory serves, if you don't respond immediately, that is when the lashing out begins. This is his urgency, not yours. His break-up, his addiction, his choice, his life. He is 34 years old. If he were 17, it would be different, but he is a grown man. Boys almost half his age serve in the military and face enormous struggles and don't call their parents in the middle of the night reciting their life story to gain sympathy so that their needs will be met. As you predicted, the manipulations have begun.

He knows you love him. He knows about 12 step groups. He knows how to get help if he were willing to change. He knows what to do.

I am practicing new ways to respond in my own habitual reactions.......the first step is to step back and wait. Examine the response you usually make, what is the purpose of your usual response? Then, choose a different response.

Sending both you and your husband a big hug SS. Don't hang out at home ruminating about what to do.......go out to lunch or for a walk......change the scenery and do something for yourselves.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks, RE. husband and I are brainstorming about what we can do today - funwise. I'd love an overnight trip but our youngest son (who takes care of the pets while we are away) is volunteering at a big music festival and won't be back in town until tomorrow.

SS, my first thought was that the hours he texted and called are in the middle of the night, no thoughts at all for the fact that you would be sleeping. So, right off the bat, you know that he is not giving any thought at all to you and your husband, just his needs.

Absolutely. That was one of my first thoughts also. I saw the texts about 3AM and got only a few more minutes sleep as the sun rose. Phone is set to not ring between 10PM and 9AM, thankfully.

You are correct. What needs to be said by me to Difficult Child? Nothing. He is trying to engage his dad and me ....because he wants an ATM. Plain and simple.


Thanks again,
SS

 

[Tanya M]

Two texts sent about 2:30AM, asking me to please call him because he needed to talk to his mom more than ever before. Then, a missed call about 3:30AM.

My Difficult Child has done the same thing to us, sending texts in the wee hours of the morning and then would get the lashing out of "why did it take you so long to answer me???"

I have always loved this line "poor planning by you does not constitute an emergency for me"
It's always so frustrating that the only time we hear from them is when they are desperate. Silly me for thinking that they just might call and say "hi mom/dad been thinking about you, hope everything is ok" Of course I've been doing this dance for so long if my Difficult Child did that I'd swear I was on Candid Camera.

My Difficult Child and your Difficult Child sound so much alike.

I think staying low to no contact will serve you best and as you already know keeping your responses sweet and simple works best. I have found with my own Difficult Child the less I say the better as he will usually try and engage me into a fight.

Stay strong and I do hope you and your hubby will be able to have some fun.

 

[JulieAnn]

I think staying low to no contact will serve you best and as you already know keeping your responses sweet and simple works best. I have found with my own Difficult Child the less I say the better as he will usually try and engage me into a fight.

Hi Tanya,

May I please ask some advice? When you go NC and then unblock your phone and you don't hear anything for a number of days/months, how do you handle that? Do you worry? Do you wait for the next contact if there is one?

I blocked him for two days. His calls and texting was non-stop. Was visiting my 90 y/o Dad and I just needed a break. Now there's nothing. I'm really fighting not to panic or think the worst.

Thank you.

 

[BusynMember]

Julie Anne, I'm not Tanya, but I think he is "punishing" you. That is just my opinion.

Julie Anne, also I ALWAYS turn by phone OFF when I go to sleep. Everyone knows that. They understand that I will not be answering the phone in the middle of the night. There is nothing I can do at that hour. This applies to everybody in my life. Nobody can reach me in the middle of the night. The phone playing loud music or the texting sound going off at t that hour terrifies me and I can't think of anything I would be needed for that I could help at 3am.

I find it very inconsiderate to call somebody at that hour. That shows they are not thinking of the other person.

 

[JulieAnn]

I know you're right. Deep down, I really do. I leave my phone on incase of so many things....My elderly parents, my daughter, and even my Difficult Child - if there was an accident.....I just needed that couple day break from him. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm waiting for 'the' call.

 

[BusynMember]

I totally understand. If my dad, who is 91, lived near me I'd keep the phone on too.

Take peace in knowing that in fifteen years on this board, to my knowledge, no one's adult child ever died because of being out in the elements and if they end up in the hospital the adult kids call. Do they ever! I can not remember any of our posters ever posting the news that a child has committed the worst deed to himself. That is the biggest worry, isn't it?

I can't honestly say it never happened. Maybe it was just never posted here.

 

[JulieAnn]

Yep, you nailed it.
I had made a huge error in judgement. I watched Requiem for a Dream the other night. It is a horrific movie on addiction.
Hm, Thinking Mistake #2....

 

[SeekingStrength]

Hey JulieAnn,

Thinking about you this evening. What worries/scares us the most just does not happen. Easy to say when it is someone else, but that is when I am most objective & sensible.

 

[Albatross]

He apologized for telling his father to go to hell
remembers me reading to him as a child and laughter
needs forgiveness
girlfriend has broken up with him
was clean for 8 months, now addicted again because of gout and pain pills

It is kind of like a checklist, isn't it?

He apologized.

That's good...and long overdue. And he knows that.

He remembers.

That's good. You do too. But you're the ones left to wonder what the $&!! happened to all that joy and laughter.

He needs forgiveness.

Well...I might be off base, but I would guess that he had your forgiveness long before he texted. Without forgiveness I think we would all be eaten alive inside. That doesn't mean we rush right back into that burning building. Is that what he means by forgiveness?

Was clean for 8 months, now addicted again.

Unfortunate. And if it has happened before and he was clean for 8 months he knows what to do.

Girlfriend left him.

Aha.

That's why YOU'RE getting the texts...

At 3 A.M...

I agree with RE. That's the tell. He isn't thinking of you. He just knows the script by heart.

I think your response about the 12-step group and the faith he can do it is perfect. It leaves you out of it without being cruel.

He MIGHT get it this time. We never know. And like Cedar said, they don't have the power to make us less than we know we are. So I'd tell him exactly what you said, even though he knows already.

 

[BusynMember]

It is suspicious that he claims to be clean for eight months, but never called THEN, but suddenly now? Was he really clean? Ever? They never tell the truth when they are using drugs. Take THAT to the bank.

 

[Tanya M]

May I please ask some advice? When you go NC and then unblock your phone and you don't hear anything for a number of days/months, how do you handle that? Do you worry? Do you wait for the next contact if there is one?

Hi JulieAnn, I agree with SWOT, he's punishing you.
As for how I handle it, it's just something that takes time. Time to fine tune your coping skills. One thing to remember about worrying is that it accomplishes nothing other than making you feel sick. Detaching from our Difficult Child is the only way we can survive them. We can no longer allow them to hold our emotions hostage. They don't want us to move on, they count on us staying stuck and worrying about them because if we stay in that "state of mind" they can control us, they can use our soft spots against us to get us to do what they want which is usually giving them money.
I grew so tired of the mind games my son would play with me. I saw my life slipping away. I was not liv. ing my life for myself, I was just staying stuck in the muck and chaos of my son's life. I made the choice to take my life back and I also made the choice to let my son go.

You will find over time that months can go by where you hear nothing from your Difficult Child then they'll turn up usually in crisis mode, at least that's how it's been with my son. It's been a few months since I have hear from my son. I do wonder about him but I don't worry about him. I know that it's a real possibility that I may never hear from him again, this is something I have come to accept. I also know that he could die and I would never know. I suppose on some level I have already mourned him. I know I have mourned the son he used to be and the son I had hoped he would grow into.

Bottom line, for me it comes down to acceptance. Accepting that I have no control over his choices. Accepting that he is going to live the life he wants to live no matter how much I dislike it. Accepting that I have my own life to live.

Hang in there JulieAnn. Work on accepting what you cannot change.

Keep a copy of the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.