Daughter 24 stole from me

[New Leaf]

DM, please take some time for yourself to breathe. It is heartbreaking going through this.
I am glad there is some planning and your daughter has an evaluation appointment, these are positive things.
Be very kind to yourself. Try to get good rest.
If you have faith in a higher power, pray.
Wishing you comfort in this time of sorrow.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Sister's Keeper]

You said she has a lot of high end stuff, so I doubt her motivation is drugs. My sister is a drug addict and a thief, and never has a blessed thing to show for everything she has stolen, because she spends all the money on drugs.

I think everyone has given you solid advice, particularly on changing the locks and on a repayment contract.

I also think that there is nothing you can do to repair the relationship between your daughters. You daughter was the one that caused the damage, she is the on;y one that can repair it.

We discussed in another thread about letter writing. With computers and smart phones it is a lost art, but those of us with loved ones in jail are pretty skilled at it.
I am a fan of letter writing. You are able to express your feelings concisely, without emotion. You don't have to listen to excuses or arguments or apologies. Maybe it would be helpful for you to write you daughter a letter telling her exactly what her actions did to you and your family and how you feel and hand it to her as she is leaving.

It may be helpful for you to be able to get the feelings out.

 

[Devasted Mom]

Thank u for everyone's insight. I am reading each and ever thread over and over and this is giving me a strength and so much relief. Yes a letter is a great idea so I can really get every feeling out. What is crazy is the fact of being a parent of two adults children and I feel like a new parent without a clue. How could she do this for such a long time with a smile is so unbelievable. Everyday my feelings seem to change today's feeling is anger. I feel like I am losing my mind.

 

[Tanya M]

I feel like I am losing my mind.

You are far from losing your mind. The fact that you found your way here to this site is a good thing. It means that you have come to the fork in the road and you are choosing to take your life back.
I know how overwhelming it all can be. I was once right where you are with my emotions going from anger to confusion to pity to sadness, back to anger. Everything you are feeling is valid. People that do not have a difficult child have a hard time comprehending how we feel. That is why this site is so important, it is a life line for sure.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions then work on letting them go.
Do one small thing each day for yourself that is good. Find something you enjoy doing or something you have always wanted to try and do it. Be very good to yourself, it's important!!

Take care and hang in there.

 

[Devasted Mom]

What is so confusing is I never had any real problems with her she always was a good natured person. So I cannot comprehend some turning in a conniving lying thief! I also feel or better to say I expected her to begging for forgiveness. She has expressly how sorry she was and will see a therapist pay the money back . I find it almost impossible to deal with this new normal, regular chitchat is so very hard to do. I look at her and feel this is her evil twin. How was it possible to become so deceitful and devious. I cannot wrap my head around. Today I feel like slapping her so hard her teeth would shatter. I guess maybe seeing some positive actions will make me feel somewhat better. I am also angry over the fact her knowing I was accusing my other daughter and still didn't care. I wonder if I will every feel normal with her again

 

[TheWalrus]

My daughter was always difficult and rebellious, so for me, there was no "sudden change out of nowhere" that was a shock. For me, it was finding out she was so much worse (drugs) than I would have ever guessed. It was also a shock to see her become a different person because of drugs.

Addiction changes people, their personalities, their attitudes, their behaviors, their morals...EVERYTHING. They literally become different people than they were. And it doesn't matter what kind of addiction - drugs, alcohol, gambling... If your daughter has a shopping addiction, it will literally change her right before your eyes. Many addicts think in the beginning that they can "control it." When it controls them, they will do anything, hurt anyone, to get the "fix." People with shopping addictions get that kind of "rush" that someone with drugs gets when they get high.

I don't know that this is what caused her to lie and steal from you, but you don't believe it is drugs. From all the high end merchandise, it sounds like she may have an addiction of another sort.

 

[Devasted Mom]

I truly believe it is not drugs. But can a shopping addiction truly be as bad as a drug addiction. Is shopping addiction truly real or just a way for a greedy thief to turn these wrongdoings into an illness

 

[InsaneCdn]

Impulsive shopping can be an addiction.
There is also kleptomania, where the person is essentially addicted to stealing.

 

[Childofmine]

DM, you will drive yourself nuts trying to "diagnose" her and "figure it out." We just grasp at anything to make sense of the completely nonsensical behavior. I read countless books trying to understand drug and alcohol addiction. It was my attempt to control an uncontrollable situation.

It doesn't matter. Right now, what matters is behavior. If she has an addiction, you'll know soon enough because she won't be able to stop stealing (for whatever reason). So be very guarded. For a long time.

Addiction changes people, their personalities, their attitudes, their behaviors, their morals...EVERYTHING. They literally become different people than they were. And it doesn't matter what kind of addiction - drugs, alcohol, gambling... If your daughter has a shopping addiction, it will literally change her right before your eyes. Many addicts think in the beginning that they can "control it." When it controls them, they will do anything, hurt anyone, to get the "fix."

This is 100 percent true. Addiction causes the exact behavior you have been seeing. Our precious people that we love turn into monsters who will stop at NOTHING to get what they want. They will say anything and do anything to get more.

I often say that Addiction is a 40-foot-tall monster that mows down everything and everybody in its path. Our DCs are in the grip of the monster, and they won't shake him until they decide to start stopping and even then they will relapse time and again until they get the help they need to stop.

So again, go slow. Breathe and be guarded. Keep it simple---whatever you are requiring of her. I used to write three and four page contracts that were a joke. He had no intention of doing any of it, and finally, toward the end, I wrote a one-page contract and he tore it up in my face and walked out the door.

I hear that your daughter is behaving differently than that, and that is a good sign. Perhaps she is ready to change...now. I sure hope so.

But only believe what you can see. Talk is cheap.

Through it all, we are here for you and we understand the exhaustion, grief, disappointment and pain. Keep us posted.

 

[Tanya M]

But can a shopping addiction truly be as bad as a drug addiction. Is shopping addiction truly real or just a way for a greedy thief to turn these wrongdoings into an illness

Yes, shopping addiction is a true addiction. Addiction is something that happens in the brain. Endorphins are released and cause a "feel good" effect.
Shopping, gambling and even pornography do not involve drugs but for some people when they participate in them they truly do get a high from it.

 

[Devasted Mom]

Once again thankful for all your supportive messages. Today my daughter went for the evaluation with the therapist. She told me they talked for about a hour and will start seeing him once a week. She didn't elaborate on what they discussed but I guess that is a first step. I am in such a tug of war with my own feelings. I want to see her and try to move a step forward then the other feeling tells me let her make the attempt. Why should I? Or should I? I am usually am a very logical decisive person. How ever now I feel like I'm on Mars . All I can think of is this every minute of the day. Ian glad I have a job that keeps me super busy. This sight and my job seems to be my only salvation right. I don't think I have ever felt such hurt and betrayal. I still can not wrap my head around this

 

[TheWalrus]

Those feelings are completely normal. We become absorbed in our children's chaos, until it overtakes everything else. It will take effort, but you have to regain your life so that you are obsessing on her every minute. Do things for yourself. Work is good, as is posting/learning/reflecting here. But try to do as many "normal" routines as possible, even if they don't feel "normal" or feel forced at first. It helps you reclaim your life.

It is also normal to feel that wavering, but the ball is in her court. You need to step back from your emotions and your normal parent instinct to rush in and fix/forgive/forget because she has made this tiny step forward by going to the therapist. I am not underestimating the importance of her going, because it is a step in the right direction. What I am saying is it is only a step, and you don't want to give her the impression that it is enough or that she doesn't need to do much more. As she continues to make progress, you can make progress toward rebuilding what she has torn down in your relationship. Perhaps the same will happen with her sister, but that is between them.

Breathe. Watch a movie. Read. Exercise. Go out with friends. Whatever you need to do to get your mind off of this, even if it is only a brief reprieve.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Once again thankful for all your supportive messages. Today my daughter went for the evaluation with the therapist. She told me they talked for about a hour and will start seeing him once a week. She didn't elaborate on what they discussed but I guess that is a first step. I am in such a tug of war with my own feelings. I want to see her and try to move a step forward then the other feeling tells me let her make the attempt. Why should I? Or should I? I am usually am a very logical decisive person. How ever now I feel like I'm on Mars . All I can think of is this every minute of the day. Ian glad I have a job that keeps me super busy. This sight and my job seems to be my only salvation right. I don't think I have ever felt such hurt and betrayal. I still can not wrap my head around this

I think all your emotions are perfectly normal.

Maybe you need a "break" from her. Maybe you can explain to her that you are having a lot of difficulty dealing with this right now and that you need a couple of weeks to get your head together and sort out your feelings.

Maybe you just need time to clear your mind. Do be kind to yourself. Walrus is right, take some time out for you. Find some distraction. Go to a movie, or take a night or day out for yourself to just have fun.

 

[Childofmine]

What a great step that she went to a therapist. One day at a time, and that was a good day yesterday.

Try hard to relax into that, and breathe. She took a step. That is very positive.

This journey is going to take a while. It's a marathon, not a sprint. This is the "new normal."

So...as you live each day, try to live in this very moment. Just right now. Right now you are okay. You are living your life. As others have said, keep to a routine and go about your business.

Set boundaries---if you haven't read this book, now would be a great time to get it and read it.

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It became my "bible" for a while.

Boundaries are for us and to create healthier relationships with people. Just learning about this was one of the first steps to my recovery from enabling.

And it's really okay to take a break from her. A break might mean a day, or two days, or a week. Whatever feels right to you.

This is hard, hard stuff. Be very gentle with yourself right now. Keep things very simple. Rest, read, meditate, take a walk, look for signs of spring. Just very basic things.

Living in this moment and cultivating a "one day a time" approach to life will help you not only cope with her, but these basic things are the foundation of a happier life.

Warm hugs this morning. We're here for you and we know this is very very difficult. Nobody expects perfection, from her or from you. We're all just human.

 

[Devasted Mom]

Boundaries will be on my to do list this weekend thank you. First of all to all of you who are helping me cope. I realize each and everyone of you have your own situations and yet each and everyone of you have the patience and time to stay with me. I can't begin to express the gratitude I have to each and everyone of you. One day my wish is I can be in a place where I can do the same for you. So today's update my daughter and I elaborated a lil more on her session with the therapist and she said the therapist said she is displaying bipolar symptons. Do u believe that could really be possible?? Is this something that just develops? They gave her some homework to do each day until her next appointment, also requested she gets blood work done. Saturday her and I are going to sit down and discuss a solid repayment plan. Conversation is somewhat strained,kind of rain in Spain conversation. Tomorrow I am taking my first step in diverting my attention getting my hair colored and then going to have some lunch with friends. I realized I'm looking for immediate solutions and see that is an unrealistic expectation and it's irritating me. I usually am the problem solver yet here and now I have no control over anything. This is really a first for me I have not one answer. Feelings I am not accustom too.

 

[TheWalrus]

Yes, it is possible. My daughter's illness is not even diagnosable until 18. Some disorders being their onset in late teens/early 20s. Do some research on bi-polar disorder. Learning about my daughter's disorder helped me not only understand her, but also not take things as personally, prepare myself for what behaviors to expect, and the best ways to respond (or when not to respond) when she reacts or behaves in certain ways. Knowledge is power.

 

[Devasted Mom]

Ok so my update for the last few days Friday I spent sometime with friends. And yes it did feel pretty good not to think about this mess for a few hours. Today my daughter signed a legally binding agreement to start repayment of the money on a monthly basis. We spent some time together and I look at her and still cannot comprehend she really did this . I think this is the most hurt I have felt in my life time one part of me wants to really freak out on her and then part of me is breaking into pieces on the inside. I hope one day I can see her without all these crazy emotions

 

[Copabanana]

I will think about it however really do not want to get cops involved I also wanted some insight on my other daughter not talking to her. Do I get involved ? Or let them figure out? Sorry about your computer, hurry back

I was gone for a bit...hope to be with you for awhile.

One of the criteria for bipolar is spree-like behavior, like shopping, gambling, etc.

I just want to comment on one thing re your above comment. I hope I do not sound harsh (but I would like to get your attention.) What you want or do not want is not a primary factor here. YOU DID NOT WANT ANY OF THIS. But it showed up at your door. Like for the rest of us. We all, most of us, have to deal with choosing between a handful of bad options that feel just noxious. None of us are living our dream. At least in this sphere of our lives.

Now, you may feel that getting your daughter involved with the police, with a criminal record or in jail is the last thing you want. Who would? But there are worse things that could happen. This is not in the main about the money or about you.

It is about her recovery. Sometimes, these things get worse first rather than better. There may be a time when you want to rein her in. Of course, she may get better and things return to normal, and stay there. The confession would be to have control in a situation where you have none. Sometimes people with bipolar disorder do not like the medication. Because they like the high, the manic or hypomanic phase of their illness--if indeed it is bipolar.

All of that said, your are doing fantastic. Your daughter is making some good decisions now too.

I would try to not feel so bad about the relationship between the two sisters. If your daughter has an illness, there was likely no intent there to cause harm. The behavior was compartmentalized.

COPA

 

[Devasted Mom]

I was gone for a bit...hope to be with you for awhile.

One of the criteria for bipolar is spree-like behavior, like shopping, gambling, etc.

I just want to comment on one thing re your above comment. I hope I do not sound harsh (but I would like to get your attention.) What you want or do not want is not a primary factor here. YOU DID NOT WANT ANY OF THIS. But it showed up at your door. Like for the rest of us. We all, most of us, have to deal with choosing between a handful of bad options that feel just noxious. None of us are living our dream. At least in this sphere of our lives.

Now, you may feel that getting your daughter involved with the police, with a criminal record or in jail is the last thing you want. Who would? But there are worse things that could happen. This is not in the main about the money or about you.

It is about her recovery. Sometimes, these things get worse first rather than better. There may be a time when you want to rein her in. Of course, she may get better and things return to normal, and stay there. The confession would be to have control in a situation where you have none. Sometimes people with bipolar disorder do not like the medication. Because they like the high, the manic or hypomanic phase of their illness--if indeed it is bipolar.

All of that said, your are doing fantastic. Your daughter is making some good decisions now too.

I would try to not feel so bad about the relationship between the two sisters. If your daughter has an illness, there was likely no intent there to cause harm. The behavior was compartmentalized.

COPA

So glad you are back. I welcome your opinions full heartily please continue. I think you are 100'percent it is not about me, yet it is hard for me to stay clear on that because it was done to me. Next I definitely realized I have no control over this and have realized her relationship with her sister is something they are going to have to deal with. I am not fully convinced about this bipolar disorder she seemed perfectly fine no changes in personality on the outside. Kind of seems like a calculating liar and thief. Yet she will be going to weekly meetings with the therapist and if she truly has this disorder involving the police does not sit well with me. She is also on the cusp of getting a good job and don't want to blow that up for her. She also signed a contract with terms of repayment along with a lot of stipulations. I guess I will have to just take one day at a time at this point as I have no other choice to do anything else. I still feel horrible hopefully some positive action will help with these feelings.

 

[Devasted Mom]

Today is a very terrible day for me. Nothing specific happened. I just feel so hurt and heartbroken. I am so very sad. I hope I can bounce back from this. I just feel as if the whole family unit came crumbling down, can it be rebuilt. So devastating that the selfish action of one person can turn a family upside down like this. Work did not even distract me today