Daughter 24 stole from me

[Devasted Mom]

I took your advice kalahou. I actually texted her and kept it simple yet percise and we both decided every Thursday we will have a texting session to discuss our concerns feelings and progress for the week. She is continuing her therapy sessions and wrote my other daughter a email explaining and apologizing. My other daughter said she will answer her once she decides what she wants to say to her. I guess this has been positive, however the hurt and betrayal for me is still as strong as day 1. I guess I have to take one day at a time. I do know my love for her has not changed. I can only hope she really means what she is saying and can raise above this. Because what she did is lowest of low and can imagine this girl could ever be capable of something so horrible.

 

[Devasted Mom]

You could keep a journal of your feelings. It helps to get stuff out. I agree on counseling, it is good to be able to talk things through with a professional. There is a world of emotions that we go through when something like this happens.
One day at a time.

(((HUGS)))
leafy[/QUOT

You could keep a journal of your feelings. It helps to get stuff out. I agree on counseling, it is good to be able to talk things through with a professional. There is a world of emotions that we go through when something like this happens.
One day at a time.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

You could keep a journal of your feelings. It helps to get stuff out. I agree on counseling, it is good to be able to talk things through with a professional. There is a world of emotions that we go through when something like this happens.
One day at a time.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

New leaf a

You could keep a journal of your feelings. It helps to get stuff out. I agree on counseling, it is good to be able to talk things through with a professional. There is a world of emotions that we go through when something like this happens.
One day at a time.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

New leaf just wa

 

[Devasted Mom]

Yes New leaf and insanecd going to start going to counseling for myself so I can stop obsessing over this because this is all I think about morning noon and night sometimes I feel as if I can just snap. Then I want to just withdraw f rom everything.

 

[Copabanana]

wrote my other daughter a email explaining and apologizing

I cannot imagine what an explanation would be for robbing her mother and letting her sister hang out to dry.

I think she would just be digging herself deeper.

I am curious what she herself does think the explanation is. Mental illness? Addiction? Greed?

Do you really think she knows? Is she attempting to pull the wool over her own eyes, or her sister's, and your own?

imagine this girl could ever be capable of something so horrible.

The thing is, we know what she did, but I am not clear as to why, nor do I believe that she could know why is so short of a time.

I would not believe one thing she says at this point. Not because she is lying, but because she could not know why she did it.

Not something so big as this.

I would wonder if beneath your anger at her is something else, something more difficult: fear.
I wonder if you, like me, fear that you may have lost your child forever and completely. That she has become somebody that you do not know. I wonder if you fear, like me, that she is somebody that you may love, but cannot respect or admire or trust or even like.

I say these horrible things, not to make you feel bad, but because I believe we must face them, our fears, in order to be able to come to grips with our situations.

I am furious with my son. But I am horrified that he will stay the person that he seems to be now. Simply horrified. I just cannot accept it. So I am angry all of the time, so that I am less afraid.

Because I must fear that if I do not like my son, I can no longer love him as fiercely as I do. I cannot reconcile this great love of my life/with somebody who I cannot fully respect or admire.

I feel helpless in the face of this. Feeling helpless is intolerable so I feel angry.

Many parents here have succeeded in detaching where their own self-concept is not tied to their feelings about their child. They do not take personally what their child does or not do. I am not there yet. Nor do I think I ever wish to be. (Although I certainly long for this peace.)

I adore my son. He really is the love of my life and the pivot, the crux, the hub around which everything else turns, for me. (I cringe here because I know I am revealing too much. This dysfunctional love of mine.)
I have only one child. I raised him alone. My relationships with my small family were strained. All of the love of a lifetime, I gave to my son.

I sometimes feel like a spurned lover, now. It seems a rebuke when he will not get it together and be what I need him to be, want him to be. Which is functioning and content. That is all I ask (except for maybe that he be healthy and not lie so much.)

I feel like erasing this entire post. But maybe somebody else will read it and see the key that will set me free.

I feel very sorry for us.

COPA

 

[Albatross]

I wonder if you fear, like me, that she is somebody that you may love, but cannot respect or admire or trust or even like.

This weekend my brother-in-law and I were talking about d.c.'s latest and he said, "How strange it has become, that if we saw him coming down the street, he would make us uncomfortable. We would instinctively want to cross the street. He has become a person who makes everyone who knows him uncomfortable."

You capture my feelings perfectly, Copa, and I think you are right...underneath it all is fear. In looking back, I gave up a lot of things to be what I thought was a "good" parent. And while I was the same degree of "good" with my daughter, it did not require as much sacrifice. In my mind...."My son needs fixing, and by God his mother is just the person to do it! My love is limitless! It does not matter what sacrifices must be made, I *WILL* set this right! I will be the LAST one to give up faith, the ONLY one to see all the good that I just know is lying just under the surface. I am the ONLY one who REALLY understands him."

How's that for cringe-worthy? How warped my view, to not even be able to consider that everyone else was seeing reality and it was me that was wrong.

How ego-filled, to assume that *I* am the right person for the job of "fixing" any other human being, even my own child. Everyone has a mother.

How disrespectful I have been to him as a person, to assume I know what needs fixing and to rob him of the chance to learn and grow from his own mistakes.

And of course when I fail at this impossible task, what does that mean about me, about who I am as a person? Even on the most terrible, gut-wrenching days, he was the reason I got up in the mornings most days. Who am I, if I'm not the person fixing him?

I fear for him, of course, for how it will likely end for him if he doesn't change. And I fear that the person I thought he was is gone for good and that I won't ever want to have much of a connection with the person he's become.

But I think now I am plodding through another valley of fear now, the fear of facing the regret of how I chose to live the one life I've been given.

I think it was Cedar who once said that there are worse things than to be a fool for love. It was love, at least I can say that. But it was bound to end badly. I put too much of myself into it.

In your case, though, Copa, I have to say that the first thing that comes to my mind when I read about your son is how very fortunate he has been to have landed in your life. He may not be all that you hoped, but think of where he could be, by all rights where he should be, if the odds against him had played out. I think you don't always see your positive influence.

 

[TheWalrus]

This weekend my brother-in-law and I were talking about d.c.'s latest and he said, "How strange it has become, that if we saw him coming down the street, he would make us uncomfortable. We would instinctively want to cross the street. He has become a person who makes everyone who knows him uncomfortable."

You summed up and validated my feelings perfectly. Seeing my daughter, speaking with her, makes me uncomfortable. It is simultaneously shameful and sad to feel this way, this inability to enjoy her presence, her company. I still sometimes question what kind of mother this makes me, but once again, coming here lets me know I am not alone, I am not a bad person or parent, I am not the only one who struggles with these unnatural feelings and interactions with my child. Thank you.

How ego-filled, to assume that *I* am the right person for the job of "fixing" any other human being, even my own child. Everyone has a mother.

How disrespectful I have been to him as a person, to assume I know what needs fixing and to rob him of the chance to learn and grow from his own mistakes.

I think it is natural as a parent to feel *we* would be the ones to "fix" our children - after all, they are our creation, lived within us and with us, share our DNA, we've experienced their childhood experiences with them, we KNOW them...

Yes, we are egotistical in our fervent belief that we can be their saviors, and disrespectful to them as adults and human beings when we continually try instead of letting them come into their own on their own. It is an uncomfortable position to have to let go of that fantasy, let go of that faux control we don't have, let go of that belief that we can fix or change our children anymore than we could do that for anyone else. Look at how hard it is for us to change our need to "fix," "enable," "help"...no matter how many people try to point out to us how fruitless it is. It is a conclusion we have to come to on our own...learning and growing from those mistakes as well.

 

[Childofmine]

DM, I'm sorry for the stress and grief you are feeling about all of this. I remember well how it would crash over me, and I would be almost paralyzed with the despair and the pain and the awful not-knowing, and then I would get a little better, and then it would come again.

There is a feeling of loss and grief

I finally realized I was in the stages of true grief, and I started trying to understand more about that, and accept it, and make time for it in my day, so I would not have to work so hard to resist what I was truly feeling. It didn't mean I needed to actually **do anything** in terms of him, but I needed to **do something** to help myself. At that point, I was as bad off as he was.

How disrespectful I have been to him as a person, to assume I know what needs fixing and to rob him of the chance to learn and grow from his own mistakes.

Ah. This is so very very true, and this type of reflection comes as we start working hard on ourselves and start seeing things more clearly. Our adult children have choices to make. They can choose any type of path for themselves, and this doesn't truly have a thing to do with us. We did our jobs, we raised them, we taught them the best we could the values for a good life, but in the end, it's their choice about how to proceed from here. That's hard for us to grasp and understand and accept. It takes a lot of time.

Yes, we are egotistical in our fervent belief that we can be their saviors, and disrespectful to them as adults and human beings when we continually try instead of letting them come into their own on their own. It is an uncomfortable position to have to let go of that fantasy, let go of that faux control we don't have, let go of that belief that we can fix or change our children anymore than we could do that for anyone else. Look at how hard it is for us to change our need to "fix," "enable," "help"...no matter how many people try to point out to us how fruitless it is. It is a conclusion we have to come to on our own...learning and growing from those mistakes as well.

So well said here. As we start working on ourselves, we start seeing that we aren't so darn perfect either. I can tell you when that was suggested to me in Al-Anon, in the very early days, I got so mad I thought I would never come back to a meeting with those "crazy people" again. How in the world could my husband's alcoholism be compared for a single minute with all I had tried to do to help him? We all know being an alcoholic isn't the way to go in life. What else was I supposed to do except try to get him to stop? On and on and on. I couldn't even hear a word about how I was as sick as he was. That my pushing and pulling and enabling and trying to force change was in its own way as sick as his drinking and the sick thinking and the behaviors that come with that.

But in time, when my precious youngest son started using drugs, I went right back to that place and this time I was more ready to hear and reflect on and see what they were saying. It took time for me.

It takes time for them. Learning how to be humble and very honest in the face of this struggle with watching our precious children struggle with their own demons is what the journey is all about.

It sounds like your daughter is already doing some positive things to help herself. How Wonderful! Sit and think on that for a few minutes. She has a problem, and she is working to face it. What else can she do?

It won't be all "pretty and perfect" and what journey is?

Our deep fear and love for them distorts our good common sense for a while, and it's so helpful to get help, build a toolbox for ourselves to us every single day, and work on ourselves to become healthier human beings. Along the way, if we keep on diligently with it, we will find that we are more humble and honest and as a result, so much more at peace than we ever could have imagined, regardless of what our precious Difficult Child is or is not doing at the moment.

We become fully separate human beings, with the ability to let go and still love other people. What a gift!

We will help you on this journey you are on. You will hear all kinds of ideas and some of them, or all of them, may or may not resonate with you. We are all at different points on the journey, not ahead or behind, but just different. We can share what has worked for us, and how we continued on. In the end, take what you like and leave the rest. You can only do what works for you.

We give each other the space and respect and time to come to our own conclusions, but know you're not alone. We're here with you. Warm hugs today.

 

[Copabanana]

I cannot comment at length because I am on the way out. I want to say what a beautiful and honest post this was, Albatross. Thank you.

I fear for him, of course, for how it will likely end for him if he doesn't change

But what you are getting at here, is something brilliant. I must fear where I will likely end up if he does not change.

Because I feel myself tethered to him. I feel that there is no tearing myself away. That is what needs to change. Not the love, but the conjoined quality of it.

But I think now I am plodding through another valley of fear now, the fear of facing the regret of how I chose to live the one life I've been given.

I think it was Cedar who once said that there are worse things than to be a fool for love.

Yes. I agree with this whole-heartedly, what Cedar said.

It has something to do with an open heart. And the realization that life is a process, not a result. Somehow we get that when our kids are little and fully dependent upon us. We lose it when they leave us. We are still in process with them, when they are homeless or using drugs. That I think is the problem. They are their own result, because they control entirely their process. Somehow we have lost that.

I do not yet know how to change this for myself, but I am grateful for the insight.

Somehow the need is to become a fool for love of myself, not in a narcissistic sense but to devote my process to myself. Not that I become anything, anyone different or better, but that the act of devotion be to me each day I have left. And show the respect to my son, that he learn to be such for himself.

Easier to say than do. But then, I have not yet devoted myself to it, because I only today thanks to these posts, understood it.

I have more to say and will return to say it later.

We did not do this in vain, Albatross. We did not do it for a result. I am sure of it. That is where we are lost in a thicket of weeds. We loved. Not for a result. But to love.

I have not yet read the post by Walrus and COM but very much look forward to doing so.

Thank you.

COPA

 

[Devasted Mom]

I cannot imagine what an explanation would be for robbing her mother and letting her sister hang out to dry.

I think she would just be digging herself deeper.

I am curious what she herself does think the explanation is. Mental illness? Addiction? Greed?

Do you really think she knows? Is she attempting to pull the wool over her own eyes, or her sister's, and your own?
The thing is, we know what she did, but I am not clear as to why, nor do I believe that she could know why is so short of a time.

I would not believe one thing she says at this point. Not because she is lying, but because she could not know why she did it.

Not something so big as this.

I would wonder if beneath your anger at her is something else, something more difficult: fear.
I wonder if you, like me, fear that you may have lost your child forever and completely. That she has become somebody that you do not know. I wonder if you fear, like me, that she is somebody that you may love, but cannot respect or admire or trust or even like.

I say these horrible things, not to make you feel bad, but because I believe we must face them, our fears, in order to be able to come to grips with our situations.

I am furious with my son. But I am horrified that he will stay the person that he seems to be now. Simply horrified. I just cannot accept it. So I am angry all of the time, so that I am less afraid.

Because I must fear that if I do not like my son, I can no longer love him as fiercely as I do. I cannot reconcile this great love of my life/with somebody who I cannot fully respect or admire.

I feel helpless in the face of this. Feeling helpless is intolerable so I feel angry.

Many parents here have succeeded in detaching where their own self-concept is not tied to their feelings about their child. They do not take personally what their child does or not do. I am not there yet. Nor do I think I ever wish to be. (Although I certainly long for this peace.)

I adore my son. He really is the love of my life and the pivot, the crux, the hub around which everything else turns, for me. (I cringe here because I know I am revealing too much. This dysfunctional love of mine.)
I have only one child. I raised him alone. My relationships with my small family were strained. All of the love of a lifetime, I gave to my son.

I sometimes feel like a spurned lover, now. It seems a rebuke when he will not get it together and be what I need him to be, want him to be. Which is functioning and content. That is all I ask (except for maybe that he be healthy and not lie so much.)

I feel like erasing this entire post. But maybe somebody else will read it and see the key that will set me free.

I feel very sorry for us.

COPA

Her explanation seems to be really all of the above greed couldn't stop. I do not believe anything at this point. I guess I am watching everything play out and see how it goes. And yes!! The fear you are speaking of is exactly what I am afraid of. Must give you a little more background so you can truly see why I feel I am in the twilight zone. This girl never gave me one ounce of trouble. Teenage years she was a decent student dancing school , cheerleading captain, popular, happy go lucky the one of two daughters that easily expressed her feelings. We are not wealthy people she never did without maybe a little over indulged. So how and why did this happen. She was not involved in drugs. Our family life wasnt picture perfect but ok How does someone change so dramatically

 

[Devasted Mom]

This weekend my brother-in-law and I were talking about d.c.'s latest and he said, "How strange it has become, that if we saw him coming down the street, he would make us uncomfortable. We would instinctively want to cross the street. He has become a person who makes everyone who knows him uncomfortable."

You capture my feelings perfectly, Copa, and I think you are right...underneath it all is fear. In looking back, I gave up a lot of things to be what I thought was a "good" parent. And while I was the same degree of "good" with my daughter, it did not require as much sacrifice. In my mind...."My son needs fixing, and by God his mother is just the person to do it! My love is limitless! It does not matter what sacrifices must be made, I *WILL* set this right! I will be the LAST one to give up faith, the ONLY one to see all the good that I just know is lying just under the surface. I am the ONLY one who REALLY understands him."

How's that for cringe-worthy? How warped my view, to not even be able to consider that everyone else was seeing reality and it was me that was wrong.

How ego-filled, to assume that *I* am the right person for the job of "fixing" any other human being, even my own child. Everyone has a mother.

How disrespectful I have been to him as a person, to assume I know what needs fixing and to rob him of the chance to learn and grow from his own mistakes.

And of course when I fail at this impossible task, what does that mean about me, about who I am as a person? Even on the most terrible, gut-wrenching days, he was the reason I got up in the mornings most days. Who am I, if I'm not the person fixing him?

I fear for him, of course, for how it will likely end for him if he doesn't change. And I fear that the person I thought he was is gone for good and that I won't ever want to have much of a connection with the person he's become.

But I think now I am plodding through another valley of fear now, the fear of facing the regret of how I chose to live the one life I've been given.

I think it was Cedar who once said that there are worse things than to be a fool for love. It was love, at least I can say that. But it was bound to end badly. I put too much of myself into it.

In your case, though, Copa, I have to say that the first thing that comes to my mind when I read about your son is how very fortunate he has been to have landed in your life. He may not be all that you hoped, but think of where he could be, by all rights where he should be, if the odds against him had played out. I think you don't always see your positive influence.

DM, I'm sorry for the stress and grief you are feeling about all of this. I remember well how it would crash over me, and I would be almost paralyzed with the despair and the pain and the awful not-knowing, and then I would get a little better, and then it would come again.



I finally realized I was in the stages of true grief, and I started trying to understand more about that, and accept it, and make time for it in my day, so I would not have to work so hard to resist what I was truly feeling. It didn't mean I needed to actually **do anything** in terms of him, but I needed to **do something** to help myself. At that point, I was as bad off as he was.



Ah. This is so very very true, and this type of reflection comes as we start working hard on ourselves and start seeing things more clearly. Our adult children have choices to make. They can choose any type of path for themselves, and this doesn't truly have a thing to do with us. We did our jobs, we raised them, we taught them the best we could the values for a good life, but in the end, it's their choice about how to proceed from here. That's hard for us to grasp and understand and accept. It takes a lot of time.



So well said here. As we start working on ourselves, we start seeing that we aren't so darn perfect either. I can tell you when that was suggested to me in Al-Anon, in the very early days, I got so mad I thought I would never come back to a meeting with those "crazy people" again. How in the world could my husband's alcoholism be compared for a single minute with all I had tried to do to help him? We all know being an alcoholic isn't the way to go in life. What else was I supposed to do except try to get him to stop? On and on and on. I couldn't even hear a word about how I was as sick as he was. That my pushing and pulling and enabling and trying to force change was in its own way as sick as his drinking and the sick thinking and the behaviors that come with that.

But in time, when my precious youngest son started using drugs, I went right back to that place and this time I was more ready to hear and reflect on and see what they were saying. It took time for me.

It takes time for them. Learning how to be humble and very honest in the face of this struggle with watching our precious children struggle with their own demons is what the journey is all about.

It sounds like your daughter is already doing some positive things to help herself. How Wonderful! Sit and think on that for a few minutes. She has a problem, and she is working to face it. What else can she do?

It won't be all "pretty and perfect" and what journey is?

Our deep fear and love for them distorts our good common sense for a while, and it's so helpful to get help, build a toolbox for ourselves to us every single day, and work on ourselves to become healthier human beings. Along the way, if we keep on diligently with it, we will find that we are more humble and honest and as a result, so much more at peace than we ever could have imagined, regardless of what our precious Difficult Child is or is not doing at the moment.

We become fully separate human beings, with the ability to let go and still love other people. What a gift!

We will help you on this journey you are on. You will hear all kinds of ideas and some of them, or all of them, may or may not resonate with you. We are all at different points on the journey, not ahead or behind, but just different. We can share what has worked for us, and how we continued on. In the end, take what you like and leave the rest. You can only do what works for you.

We give each other the space and respect and time to come to our own conclusions, but know you're not alone. We're here with you. Warm hugs today.

I have realized control nothing. And u have brought up another topic I must add to the conversation and I thank you. I have been focusing so much on my daughter, that I failed to explain that my husband is a alcoholic forever he has stopped now 1 he was hit by a truck 2 yea s ago in a motorcycle accident and now very ill with diabetes too long of a story. However we just had the conversation the other day of how I have enabled him for 30 years always looking for brighter days lots of sorries and never agains. Am I responsible in someway for turning this child into a train wreck? I want to believe this is a positive turn for her yet I don't understand her doing this in the first place. We have always had what I thought to be a great relationship. Was I so blinded by the love for her that I just lived a lie. This is as if someone came and replaced this girl with a stranger I don't even know. And now as she tries to make a lil conversation I feel like I'm living an invasions of the body snatchers. I thank you and everyone who is sticking with me as I must sound if I cannot get a grip on this but I am sure trying. This is such unfamiliar territory for me I just want to screammmmm with frustration and will there ever be sunlight for me since I now feel I am in my darkest of days

 

[New Leaf]

I fear for him, of course, for how it will likely end for him if he doesn't change. And I fear that the person I thought he was is gone for good and that I won't ever want to have much of a connection with the person he's become.

I felt the same way but I am beginning to try to switch that direction of thought. Not only because it makes me miserable, but I really do think that there is something to the notion that our thoughts have power.
Every action we take, begins with a thought.
Giving my two over to God, I have to believe with faith that whatever becomes of them is part of their journey. Whether or not I will be able to connect with them, that is a whole different story. I am writing from the perspective of having no contact for six months. It is much different when the kids are near.

It is simultaneously shameful and sad to feel this way, this inability to enjoy her presence, her company. I still sometimes question what kind of mother this makes me, but once again, coming here lets me know I am not alone, I am not a bad person or parent, I am not the only one who struggles with these unnatural feelings and interactions with my child. Thank you.

It is sad, Walrus, none of us ever imagined this at all while raising these kids. I wouldn't call it an unnatural response. They do not treat us with respect. After so much goes on, we have to take steps to protect ourselves. I think the kids are acting unnaturally towards parents. Rather than be thankful and grateful, they are accusatory, blame seeking and feel it is our duty to " help"(enable) them. Mine took advantage of us every which way they could, were incredibly disrespectful, yet still have/had this attitude of entitlement.

Look at how hard it is for us to change our need to "fix," "enable," "help"...no matter how many people try to point out to us how fruitless it is. It is a conclusion we have to come to on our own...learning and growing from those mistakes as well.

Tis true, we all had to learn as we went through all of this. It is a process.

It sounds like your daughter is already doing some positive things to help herself. How Wonderful! Sit and think on that for a few minutes. She has a problem, and she is working to face it. What else can she do?

I agree. She is trying. There is not much else she can do but try to figure out what was going on inside of her that allowed her to transgress in this way. She will have to gain your trust back, by her actions.

Our deep fear and love for them distorts our good common sense for a while, and it's so helpful to get help, build a toolbox for ourselves to use every single day, and work on ourselves to become healthier human beings.

This is very well put. We do lose all common sense for awhile and slip in to some desperate and dark times. It hurts to the core of us. Small steps each day, one day at a time.

We are all at different points on the journey, not ahead or behind, but just different. We can share what has worked for us, and how we continued on. In the end, take what you like and leave the rest. You can only do what works for you.

Yes, do what works for you Devastated. It is good that you are considering counseling for yourself. I went to try and get my head on straight, so much was going on I couldn't think my way through.
This is a tough journey for all of us.
Keep posting dear and let us know how you are.
You are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[BusynMember]

I always bring up the strong possibility of drug use when somebody was a great kid and suddenly changes seemingly overnight, especially when talking about money and stealing. Of course this may not be her problem, but it does make sense even if you dont think she is using drugs. What about the man? He could be involved in bad stuff and she is hoining in. Is he upset about her theft? A normal partner would be.
All of us here have our ideas but no answers. You may not have the big picture either. In the meantime protect your house and belongings. Change the locks. Get new credit card and bank account numbers. None of us kniw why for sure but many of us had children who stole from us. We bring our experiences and temp solutions to the table.
So be good to yourself, stay safe, and make sure your belongings are safe. And do nice things for yourself. You cant fix upur daughter, regardless of why thus is happening. She is the only one who can help herslf. I found that talking about crimes with our kids goes nowhere. That was my experience.

.the bright spot is that you can change yourself and your reaction to this change in your daughter. Maybe see a therapist. Meanwhile, do things YOU love to do.
Hugs!!

 

[Roxona]

I'm coming in late on this, but wanted to offer my 2 cents. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Having a loved one steal from us is such a violation of our trust, and for me it takes a very long time to earn it back.

I had problems with J and my SS10 both getting into my bedroom and taking ...money...candy...anything I put in my room to keep away from them. Plus, SS10 would just barge in anytime he liked even if the regular bedroom door lock was locked...he knew how to pick it. So, I had my husband install a keyed lock. Problem solved. Perhaps this could help you move forward.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[Devasted Mom]

I always bring up the strong possibility of drug use when somebody was a great kid and suddenly changes seemingly overnight, especially when talking about money and stealing. Of course this may not be her problem, but it does make sense even if you dont think she is using drugs. What about the man? He could be involved in bad stuff and she is hoining in. Is he upset about her theft? A normal partner would be.
All of us here have our ideas but no answers. You may not have the big picture either. In the meantime protect your house and belongings. Change the locks. Get new credit card and bank account numbers. None of us kniw why for sure but many of us had children who stole from us. We bring our experiences and temp solutions to the table.
So be good to yourself, stay safe, and make sure your belongings are safe. And do nice things for yourself. You cant fix upur daughter, regardless of why thus is happening. She is the only one who can help herslf. I found that talking about crimes with our kids goes nowhere. That was my experience.

.the bright spot is that you can change yourself and your reaction to this change in your daughter. Maybe see a therapist. Meanwhile, do things YOU love to do.
Hugs!!

Her boyfriend is very successful and appalled and in disbelief he feels he must stick by her if something is wrong with her mind. Her addiction is $2000 handbags and $1000 shoes. Etc etc buys like crazy. Boyfriend is stunned as he buys her plenty as well. Can't imagine someone would ruin such a strong support system and risk people who adore her and be in sound mind. Still not excusing the behavior the act of stealing you can't guess much lower than that. Drugs would shock us all because no one is seeing that as the problem. I just wonder can she truly move pass this and come out on the other side normal. Or will she become a lost soul. Sooooo sad

 

[TheWalrus]

It sounds as though shopping is her addiction and it is as real as drugs or gambling. They get some kind of immediate thrill, a euphoria, from the purchase. However, the thrill is only temporary so they have to go out and do it again and again to get that feeling, even if they don't need or use the items they buy.

It may seem hard to understand, but I don't understand addiction to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling...because my mind doesn't work that way. So yes, she has an illness just as if it were any of those other things. It is easy for people to say, "Just don't buy it if you can't afford it," and roll their eyes at how ridiculous and irrational it is do such a thing. But it is just as irrational to put poison in your body, knowing what drugs do to your body and mind.

She sounds like she has some compulsive behavior that she needs therapy for, and there is probably something underlying it that makes her feel she has to make these purchases to compensate for whatever she feels is missing.

JMO

 

[BusynMember]

Devastated mom, any addiction including spending can be treated. So can any mental illness. The person just needs to be willing to get the help and work hard. There is so much hope and I really really pray that she embraces it.
You cant do it for her but she can do it for herself. Dont give up. I have a chronic, life long mental illness but with treatment I also have it controlled and my life is good. Yes, life with treated mental illness can be good and also become a great learning experience.
Please take care of yourself. Good luck to all of you.

 

[New Leaf]

Article below on shopping addiction. It can be as bad as substance abuse.

http://www.healthline.com/health/addiction/shopping#Overview1

$2000, bags and $1000 shoes can spend down $18,000, real quick. I can imagine her thinking that she would replace the money before you noticed it was gone, or something like that. The point is, addiction drives the person. No excuses, but it is true, addicts are not in control of themselves. They need help to get a handle on their problem.
I am glad your daughter is getting help, and you are considering counseling Devastated.
There is always hope. Always.
You are going through what most of us has been through, a grieving process. Grieving and all of its stages, except our children did not die, they chose paths that are very contrary to what we have imagined for them. To grieve like this and still be faced with interaction with our loved one is very hard indeed.

You will get through this Devastated. It is all so new and shocking to you, it takes time to work through the feelings.

You will get through, it is a bumpy road for awhile full of twists and turns, but you will get through.
Keep posting, we are right here with you.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I have been shopping online to try to buy a moment of diversion from grief and depression. I could care less about the stuff. I have stopped, recently, thank goodness.

I understand compulsive behavior.

What makes me wonder, is how she can come and try to explain, so soon. How can she know what drove her? How can she explain her hurting loved ones, without a thought?

How can she believe that she can make it right? How she can believe there is anything to be said that makes a difference, when she has so deeply wounded people who love her, and whose every impulse was to protect her.

That is what has my head spinning. What words does she think she can come up with? That would explain. How can she feel that words would ever explain.

The word restitution comes to mind. Not with money, but morally, with work, with care, over time, to try and to restore belief, trust and faith. To change through effort and work. But words?

She seems to believe that there is some sort of manipulation she can come up with, to snow her sister or you to make it alright.

It will never be alright what she did. Never.

She may over years and years demonstrate anew her loyalty, her responsibility, her care...but in 3 weeks? It can only be a theatre what she is saying, and it concerns me that she believes in her theatre.

You know, at first, I had empathy for her. And I do. But I do not think she in any way could have any real understanding of the harm she has done...and it upsets me that she even try to make it alright with words.

I do not want her to suffer, but I wonder, if this is what it will take. That the boyfriend leave. That her family look at her and wonder who she is.

I am not saying that you should do one thing different. Be mad. Be rejecting. To tell her anything. I am not saying that.

There is not one thing any of us can do with respect to the moral transgressions of our children. I have never seen it as clearly as do I right now. My anger. My sadness. Depression. My constant railing at my son. None of these do one thing to make my son live better or choose better or be better--or love me more. Your sadness, too, will do nothing.

Your daughter may or may not be able to one day understand what she really did. She may or may not one day care.

The belief that there is anything at all we can do or feel that will make a difference, is a fantasy.

To protect ourselves, to find a way to be strong and steady and independent and whole; to tell the truth to them and ourselves, that is it. No more.

Nothing more. The rest is between your daughter and herself, and her G-d. Let her spend her energies to try to find the answer to tell herself. But it will not come in a few weeks. It may not come in a few years.

COPA

 

[Devasted Mom]

It sounds as though shopping is her addiction and it is as real as drugs or gambling. They get some kind of immediate thrill, a euphoria, from the purchase. However, the thrill is only temporary so they have to go out and do it again and again to get that feeling, even if they don't need or use the items they buy.

It may seem hard to understand, but I don't understand addiction to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling...because my mind doesn't work that way. So yes, she has an illness just as if it were any of those other things. It is easy for people to say, "Just don't buy it if you can't afford it," and roll their eyes at how ridiculous and irrational it is do such a thing. But it is just as irrational to put poison in your body, knowing what drugs do to your body and mind.

She sounds like she has some compulsive behavior that she needs therapy for, and there is probably something underlying it that makes her feel she has to make these purchases to compensate for whatever she feels is missing.

JMO

I am trying to believe this is as severe as a drug addiction however I am one to roll my eyes at how ridiculous and irrational that is. And why pick your mother to steal from!!!

 

[New Leaf]

And why pick your mother to steal from!!!

We are the easiest targets, Devastated. It's true, we are. I think these kids know our undying love for them. They think that our love will cover over anything. Unfortunately for us, we are the easiest targets.
leafy