Daughter 24 stole from me
- Thread starter Devasted Mom
- Start date
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Devastated, I am sorry you are having a bad day, it is hard when we come face to face with a wrongful act perpetrated on us by our adult children. It sends us reeling into a range of emotions. There is a feeling of loss and grief and yearning for relief and the simpler times of yesteryear when the kids were younger and all was well. Take the time you need to feel what you feel, it is important to let it out.
With your daughter going to therapy, at least she is trying to get help. You have a plan for her to pay back the money.
It will take time to heal from the shock and hurt of this, but heal you will.
Slow way down and take one day at a time.
Most of us have been through similar days, it is hard, but it will get better day by day.
Be very kind to yourself. You are not alone in this.
(((hugs)))
leafy
With your daughter going to therapy, at least she is trying to get help. You have a plan for her to pay back the money.
It will take time to heal from the shock and hurt of this, but heal you will.
Slow way down and take one day at a time.
Most of us have been through similar days, it is hard, but it will get better day by day.
Be very kind to yourself. You are not alone in this.
(((hugs)))
leafy
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Yes. It is not torn apart. It just feels like it.
You do not know yet what exactly happened, I mean you know what she did. You do not know why or how come, beyond she used up the money.
She may have compartmentalized the behavior, in some part of herself that is not integrated into her day to day feeling and thinking. Who knows? It all depends on what happens next. What she does.
That will define her, and that will define what happens to her in terms of belonging to the family. If she works hard and makes amends, comes to better know herself, this may be a turning point for the good. It is up to her.
The grief will lessen. Based upon stuff that has happened to me, it will always hurt, what happened. But you mend. The family mends. Life goes on.
It is still so fresh and new. You are a victim of a crime. And your daughter is the perpetrator. How can that not set you back? Do not, try not to have expectations that are unrealistic for yourself. We all do. But you are in shock. You are grieving.
I am having a hard time, too. Think about, if you have energy and time, posting on other threads. You will see all manner of hurts, and all kinds of care and love and support here. I will look for you.
Take care.
COPA
Devasted Mom
Member
Thank you for your kind words. I am certainly trying. Yet everyday is a new set of emotions. I certainly thank god for my friends here. This is my sanity
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
It is okay Devastated. Take the time you need. Each day is different. Post when you need to, when you can. It helps to write it out. We will be here for you dear, because we understand the pain and grief of it.
You will be alright.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Devasted Mom
Member
The compartmentalized behavior I find very hard to understand.How can you not integrate deceitful behavior as such in your daily thinking process? And Copa you read my mind today I said I am going to start reading other people's situation in hope of being able to support others rather than concentrate so much on this situation. However I can only offer sympathy at this point. Being in this situation I don't think I qualify as a very good candidate in offering advice to anyone when my life is such a mess. But once again thank you for sticking with me and seeing me through this
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
You have a great deal to offer. Caring. Concern. Understanding. Friendship.
Everyone of us, almost, came here in a mess and many of us are still there, or periodically return. Others of us came here because we had other tragedies, losses, pains in our lives, and wanted to give back. Not everybody here is a parent.
Posting on as many threads as possible helps you. You change, and grow in mastery and self-knowledge when you post. True.
COPA
Devasted Mom
Member
Thank you what I realized is I am accustom to sprinting while I find myself in a marathon. Very far out of my comfort zone. A building dropped on me in a split second and changed my entire life as I knew it
You have more to offer than you think. Some of it may come from your own experience, rather than the current situation. But it's surprising the ways we find to support others while we are in the middle of needing support ourselves.
Devasted Mom
Member
Thank you for support and encouragement I am going to try
Devasted Mom
Member
I am going to certainly try
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Yes, a building dropped on you. Me, too. It is an awful feeling.
Some days, I figuratively laid flat out, because it felt safer to stay on the ground. When I was ready, I slowly shook off the dust and concrete and put one knee, up, then the other. I stayed there for awhile, dazed. Since I was already on my knees, I prayed. I found CD and posted my grief and the kind folks here responded.
What you need to know, too, Devastated, is that by your coming here and sharing your story, you have already helped many people.
You have helped me very much in your writing in honesty about how you feel. As I respond to you, I am remembering, and learning and growing. You have helped me very much, Devastated. I will tell you, I have been under that building many times.
I am okay, today. Tomorrow is another day.
We will get through this together, all of us are pulling for you.
Pour a cup of tea.
Listen to some soothing music.
Do simple things to help you relax.
Take deep breaths and hold on, you will be okay.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Devasted Mom
Member
Thank you so much for your encouragement since in these last few weeks I feel like a failure Thought my girls were raised with values and respect for others yet one seemed to definitely found the road that leads to evil hope she will see her way out of this and we can all mend. Trying to believe one day she will again be a comfort to me cause right now she seems like the enemy even though she is trying. One day at a time
DoneDad
Well-Known Member
When this happened to us it was like the building we were living in collapsed. Things you knew about your family and about yourself turned out not to be true. After a betrayal like that, can there ever be trust again? I don't think so, not in the same way.
JMom
Well-Known Member
Devastated, it's hard to know what and how much to say. The money (and other items) that our kids steal from us is an after thought to the betrayal we feel. I know it adds insult to injury because it was an inheritance from your mom. I hate that your other daughter was inplicatef, but you had no idea.
I would think your older daughter will forgive you, knowing that you just wanted answers. Just be vulnerable and tell her how you feel. Just the fact that it was such a surprise shows the you've raised your kids in a way that it wasn't on your radar that they could do this. That's a good thing.
My son and his friends stole a lot of items from me. The two things that hurt the most was a wedding ring belonging to my deceased grandmother (probably only worth $200) and a pink diamond jewel ring (new, worth $400) that my husband had just bought for our 15 year anniversary. My husband and I rarely buy gifts for one another, so it was special to me. It's the two things he still to this day won't admit to.
I know in my heart it was him. Throughout this journey of his addiction, I've always wondered if I say the right or wrong thing what will happen. At the end of the day, just say what's on your heart. Trust your own instincts. You are no doubt an intelligent, beautiful person and worthy of your feelings.
One thing I said that made me feel better was that I was changing locks and someone had to be home for him to be here. I reassured him I love you, but don't trust you. I didn't raise you to steal. It's not our values, and I won't take on the consequences for you...one of which you having to earn back trust.
Don't beat yourself up. No one gives us a manual for when people do stupid, dishonest things. Trust in yourself and your choices. You can do this!
I would think your older daughter will forgive you, knowing that you just wanted answers. Just be vulnerable and tell her how you feel. Just the fact that it was such a surprise shows the you've raised your kids in a way that it wasn't on your radar that they could do this. That's a good thing.
My son and his friends stole a lot of items from me. The two things that hurt the most was a wedding ring belonging to my deceased grandmother (probably only worth $200) and a pink diamond jewel ring (new, worth $400) that my husband had just bought for our 15 year anniversary. My husband and I rarely buy gifts for one another, so it was special to me. It's the two things he still to this day won't admit to.
I know in my heart it was him. Throughout this journey of his addiction, I've always wondered if I say the right or wrong thing what will happen. At the end of the day, just say what's on your heart. Trust your own instincts. You are no doubt an intelligent, beautiful person and worthy of your feelings.
One thing I said that made me feel better was that I was changing locks and someone had to be home for him to be here. I reassured him I love you, but don't trust you. I didn't raise you to steal. It's not our values, and I won't take on the consequences for you...one of which you having to earn back trust.
Don't beat yourself up. No one gives us a manual for when people do stupid, dishonest things. Trust in yourself and your choices. You can do this!
Devasted Mom
Member
I was thinking about writing my daughter a letter stating all my feelings and concerns. I feel as if everything is bottled up inside of me and feel as if I can explode any minute. She is trying to act as if things are normal and we are so far away from normal. I don't know if she truly understands the devastation she left sitting in our laps and more importantly our souls . Our conversations are strained and feeling kind of distance. The actual act of stealing the money is horrifying and inexcusable but it pales in comparison to the feeling of hurt and betrayal. I was blindsided in such a manner where there were no warning signs.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
You could keep a journal of your feelings. It helps to get stuff out. I agree on counseling, it is good to be able to talk things through with a professional. There is a world of emotions that we go through when something like this happens.
One day at a time.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
One day at a time.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Kalahou
Well-Known Member
Devastated, You have landed in a safe place. I have not commented so far, but have been following your post since beginning. Others have shared deep wisdom and understanding pertaining to your situation. You are definitely not alone on this site. I have found the sharing and caring here and the process of posting more valuable than a therapist.
If you think writing something to your daughter would help you, I do NOT recommend a long letter detailing all your feelings and concerns. There’s no need and it would make it worse, I think, to release an explosion of everything you have bottled up. Leafy’s idea to journal those words for yourself is great way to let it out.
But if you want to clear the air a bit and release some tension in interacting with your daughter, and if you want to be honest and caring with her about how your relationship has now changed as a result of what happened, it might help you and her if you wrote a short note only, to just concisely and simply and factually express to your daughter the truth of the current “new normal.” I’m not sure what all you are feeling and want to say, but if it was me, I think I would feel like just clearly stating the facts, saying something like the following thoughts / notes, keeping detached:
… I feel as if everything is bottled up inside and am confused…. Am trying to understand what has happened …. Sense that our conversations are strained and feeling kind of distant … I feel hurt and betrayed by what happened, and am wondering how relationships can be mended… It will take time to work it out for myself - to process the healing of the situation … that we cannot pretend and act as if nothing has happened ... but as I feel my way day by day, and see good changes, I’m hopeful for better days. We will work it out. Thank you for understanding. (Just leave it at that – no explosion of bottled up hurt and pain and anger)
You may be able to say / speak the above type of thoughts to her personally without emotion and having it escalate. And that may be fine, depending on your relationship. For myself, in some situations, I found writing it out simply and to the point was better for me.
Just know that this is all going to take time. It will not be over quickly.
Just know that you are going to be alright. Stay with us. ~ Kalahou
I am a type of person who sometimes has difficulty expressing my real caring / emotional thoughts clearly and calmly in talking directly to someone, when I am upset or have uncomfortable feelings. I wish this was not so, as I do not like it about myself. It is a handicap really to be too sensitive and emotional. Now that I am learning and progressing in detachment, this handicap is improving. However, since I have long understood that my emotional and often tearful attempts to convey feelings and thoughts in speech did not come across well to the other person, and made it harder for myself, I sometimes did resort to writing it out in a letter. It helped me.
If you think writing something to your daughter would help you, I do NOT recommend a long letter detailing all your feelings and concerns. There’s no need and it would make it worse, I think, to release an explosion of everything you have bottled up. Leafy’s idea to journal those words for yourself is great way to let it out.
But if you want to clear the air a bit and release some tension in interacting with your daughter, and if you want to be honest and caring with her about how your relationship has now changed as a result of what happened, it might help you and her if you wrote a short note only, to just concisely and simply and factually express to your daughter the truth of the current “new normal.” I’m not sure what all you are feeling and want to say, but if it was me, I think I would feel like just clearly stating the facts, saying something like the following thoughts / notes, keeping detached:
… I feel as if everything is bottled up inside and am confused…. Am trying to understand what has happened …. Sense that our conversations are strained and feeling kind of distant … I feel hurt and betrayed by what happened, and am wondering how relationships can be mended… It will take time to work it out for myself - to process the healing of the situation … that we cannot pretend and act as if nothing has happened ... but as I feel my way day by day, and see good changes, I’m hopeful for better days. We will work it out. Thank you for understanding. (Just leave it at that – no explosion of bottled up hurt and pain and anger)
You may be able to say / speak the above type of thoughts to her personally without emotion and having it escalate. And that may be fine, depending on your relationship. For myself, in some situations, I found writing it out simply and to the point was better for me.
Just know that this is all going to take time. It will not be over quickly.
Just know that you are going to be alright. Stay with us. ~ Kalahou
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