Daughter 24 stole from me

[Copabanana]

And why pick your mother to steal from!!!

You cannot know the answers, I believe.

Your task, my task, is to just face what has happened. To stop for a second. And look reality in the face.

She stole 18k from you. Money left to you by your own mother. Money that was meant to protect your family, or secure your retirement, or for simple pleasures.

Why she did it is not your task to know. I said above, that her wanting to "explain" troubles me more almost than what she did.

I do not think she knows what she did or why. Anything she says now is not anything she feels or knows. How could it be? Perhaps she feels shame. Perhaps she feels regret. Perhaps she feels discomfort and sadness that she has lost the confidence she had taken for granted. Maybe even anger. She may feel it was a mistake, and that she needs to be forgiven because she did not mean to hurt you, in the main or primarily.

She may not be old enough yet, without a sufficiently mature brain to understand how she has hurt you, damaged the family. Maybe she picked you to steal from because you were easy prey. Maybe she felt it was low risk. Maybe she knew you would not report the theft to the police.

None of these things, you want to hear will make any of this better. There is not one thing you can come up with that will take the pain from this away. Only, to face it.

She did it. She will either one day understand it or not. She may one day move beyond it. But your understanding why will have nothing to do with it. Only what she labors to do for herself.

I am trying here to think of my own situation.

All I feel is grief.

COPA

 

[Devasted Mom]

I have been shopping online to try to buy a moment of diversion from grief and depression. I could care less about the stuff. I have stopped, recently, thank goodness.

I understand compulsive behavior.

What makes me wonder, is how she can come and try to explain, so soon. How can she know what drove her? How can she explain her hurting loved ones, without a thought?

How can she believe that she can make it right? How she can believe there is anything to be said that makes a difference, when she has so deeply wounded people who love her, and whose every impulse was to protect her.

That is what has my head spinning. What words does she think she can come up with? That would explain. How can she feel that words would ever explain.

The word restitution comes to mind. Not with money, but morally, with work, with care, over time, to try and to restore belief, trust and faith. To change through effort and work. But words?

She seems to believe that there is some sort of manipulation she can come up with, to snow her sister or you to make it alright.

It will never be alright what she did. Never.

She may over years and years demonstrate anew her loyalty, her responsibility, her care...but in 3 weeks? It can only be a theatre what she is saying, and it concerns me that she believes in her theatre.

You know, at first, I had empathy for her. And I do. But I do not think she in any way could have any real understanding of the harm she has done...and it upsets me that she even try to make it alright with words.

I do not want her to suffer, but I wonder, if this is what it will take. That the boyfriend leave. That her family look at her and wonder who she is.

I am not saying that you should do one thing different. Be mad. Be rejecting. To tell her anything. I am not saying that.

There is not one thing any of us can do with respect to the moral transgressions of our children. I have never seen it as clearly as do I right now. My anger. My sadness. Depression. My constant railing at my son. None of these do one thing to make my son live better or choose better or be better--or love me more. Your sadness, too, will do nothing.

Your daughter may or may not be able to one day understand what she really did. She may or may not one day care.

The belief that there is anything at all we can do or feel that will make a difference, is a fantasy.

To protect ourselves, to find a way to be strong and steady and independent and whole; to tell the truth to them and ourselves, that is it. No more.

Nothing more. The rest is between your daughter and herself, and her G-d. Let her spend her energies to try to find the answer to tell herself. But it will not come in a few weeks. It may not come in a few years.

COPA

I agree with everything you are saying and what she is saying is she is going to continue going to the therapist to see why she is doing this and knows my other daughter will possibly never talk to her again. But hopefully eventually things can be better. She swears she will pay every penny back. I see she has tons of items on eBay and other sites. Trust me her sister cannot be snowed she is cut and dry and very easily cut people out of her life for a lot less. Yes we are looking at her and wondering who she is and we have not seen her other than for the signing of the contract. Her boyfriend has not left her as of yet. She never had a manipulative personality nor had I thought she could be capable of being a sneaky conniving thief either. She by no means is saying she understands her reasoning for what she did other than the need to have things. Right now I feel I will never ever trust her again but I feel I must at least give her a chance to right her wrongs if that is at all possible. As angry as I am I hurt so deeply for her and don't know if I have enabled her in someway to perpetrate this behavior. And how th hell can someone just flip like this

 

[Copabanana]

I am trying to believe this is as severe as a drug addiction however I am one to roll my eyes at how ridiculous and irrational that is. And why pick your mother to steal from!!!

I do not think you will ever make sense of it, except for to accept that it is true.

Everything will come out in the wash. But you do not have what you need yet to make any sense. Just as she is trying to sell everything, the future needs to be created. Everybody needs to understand that, especially me. There is a future that will come, and that future is not now. I cannot write it, nor can you.

Nor do I think what she has done calls into question your parenting. In some ways all of this is an opportunity, at least for her. There is now a huge elephant in the room that has pooped all over and everything within a mile stinks. Only she is responsible to clean it up.

Not you. Not I, with my own child, can clean up the elephant poop in the living room.

I must at least give her a chance to right her wrongs if that is at all possible

Absolutely.

I believe she can, but it will take a lot of time and effort, and a commitment, long-term. She has already begun.

Is she horrified, I wonder?

don't know if I have enabled her in someway to perpetrate this behavior.

Why in the world is this coming up?

People make bad choices all of the time. What in the world did it have to do with their mothers?

She let an elephant into the living room. Your living room. You did not. She must do what ever she must, in her power and beyond to clean up the mess.

Yes we are looking at her and wondering who she is and we have not seen her other than for the signing of the contract

If it were me, and I was in sound mind, I would try hard to not talk to her about it. What is there to say, really?

I think she will have to be responsible to re-establish normalcy. And you will follow as you are able. Maybe the way forward will be through the sisters.

I only know that I have a sense of how horrible this is. I believe she will fix it. But it will take time.

I am so sorry for your confusion and your pain.

COPA

 

[Devasted Mom]

You cannot know the answers, I believe.

Your task, my task, is to just face what has happened. To stop for a second. And look reality in the face.

She stole 18k from you. Money left to you by your own mother. Money that was meant to protect your family, or secure your retirement, or for simple pleasures.

Why she did it is not your task to know. I said above, that her wanting to "explain" troubles me more almost than what she did.

I do not think she knows what she did or why. Anything she said now is not anything she feels or knows. How could it be? Perhaps she feels shame. Perhaps she feels regret. Perhaps she feels discomfort and sadness that she has lost the confidence she had taken for granted. Maybe even anger. She may feel it was a mistake, and that she needs to be forgiven because she did not mean to hurt you, in the main or primarily.

She may not be old enough yet, without a sufficiently mature brain to understand how she has hurt you, damaged the family. Maybe she picked you to steal from because you were easy prey. Maybe she felt it was low risk. Maybe she knew you would not report the theft to the police.

None of these things, you want to hear or will make any of this better. There is not one thing you can come up with that will take the pain from this. Only, to face it.

She did it. She will either one day understand it. She may one day move beyond it. But your understanding why will have nothing to do with it. Only what she labors to do for herself.

I am trying here to think of my own situation here.

All I feel is grief.

COPA[/QUOTE
You are so on point with each and every word you have said. Nothing will make it better and no words will take the pain away. Yet those words I so understand but it just will not yet sink into my mind. I'm sure she feels all of the above that you expressed so very well , I think my mind gets it but my heart it not up to speed yet. God knows I'm trying I just pray she can rise above this. Sorry to sound so repetitive I just hope one day we can be in a somewhat happy space where I can believe in her. Someone I would give my life for blindsided me in such a way that just find myself in a tunnel of darkness

 

[New Leaf]

As angry as I am I hurt so deeply for her and don't know if I have enabled her in someway to perpetrate this behavior.

I went down this road, several times.
It is normal for us to look to ourselves and try to blame our adult children's behavior on something in our parenting we did, or did not do.
But really, truthfully, we all did our best jobs as parents.
Our kids are young adults and make these awful choices.

Who knows why?

She needs to fix this, her. She is taking steps towards that, but it will take time and action.

I am so sorry for the pain of this Devastated.

I pasted an article on grieving for you, that helps to explain the different stages you may go through.

This is a loss for you, a loss more than the money, it is the relationship and trust that is foremost.
It will take time, but time does heal the pain.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-coping-with-grief

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Devasted Mom]

I do not think you will ever make sense of it, except for to accept that it is true.

Everything will come out in the wash. But you do not have what you need yet to make any sense. Just as she is trying to sell everything, the future needs to be created. Everybody needs to understand that, especially me. There is a future that will come, and that future is not now. I cannot write it, nor can you.

Nor do I think what she has done call into question your parenting. In some ways all of this is an opportunity, at least for her. There is now a huge elephant in the room that has pooped all over and everything within a mile stinks. Only she is responsible to clean it up.

Not you. Not I, with my own child.
Absolutely.

I believe she can, but it will take a lot of time and effort, and a commitment, long-term. She has already begun.

Is she horrified, I wonder?
Why in the world is this coming up?

People make bad choices all of the time. What in the world did it have to do with their mothers?

She let an elephant into the living room. Your living room. You did not. She must do what ever she must, in her power and beyond to clean up the mess.
If it were me, and I was in sound mind, I would try hard to not talk to her about it. What is there to say, really?

I think she will have to be responsible to re-establish normalcy. And you will follow as you are able. Maybe the way forward will be through the sisters.

I only know that I have a sense of how horrible this is. I believe she will fix it. But it will take time.

I am so sorry for your confusion and your pain.

COPA

I guess I am grasping at anything to see a reason for this. But clearly the reason is right there. She did it!! I need that to sink in. You are going thru so much yourself and seem to be able to still rationalize and stay on such an even keel. I admire you so much for that As far as talking about it yes you are once again correct I will force myself to stop . Yes in her email to her sister she said she is embrassed and ashamed and feels like a lowlife

 

[Devasted Mom]

I guess I am grasping at anything to see a reason for this. But clearly the reason is right there. She did it!! I need that to sink in. You are going thru so much yourself and seem to be able to still rationalize and stay on such an even keel. I admire you so much for that As far as talking about it yes you are once again correct I will force myself to stop . Yes in her email to her sister she said she is embrassed and ashamed and feels like a lowlife

And yes I am in in sound mind loll, although it might not seem so right now. I am in unfamiliar territory I am in a ocean with a shark that turns out to be my daughter, Earth shattering!!!

 

[Devasted Mom]

I went down this road, several times.
It is normal for us to look to ourselves and try to blame our adult children's behavior on something in our parenting we did, or did not do.
But really, truthfully, we all did our best jobs as parents.
Our kids are young adults and make these awful choices.

Who knows why?

She needs to fix this, her. She is taking steps towards that, but it will take time and action.

I am so sorry for the pain of this Devastated.

I pasted an article on grieving for you, that helps to explain the different stages you may go through.

This is a loss for you, a loss more than the money, it is the relationship and trust that is foremost.
It will take time, but time does heal the pain.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-coping-with-grief

(((HUGS)))
leafy

Thank you. I am questioning everything right now. Yes this is a loss an infinity greater than the money. The grief is almost worst then someone dying. A hurt I have never felt in my lifetime. I hurt for her as well yet I am so angry with her I would like to put her head through a wall. People have nightmares while they sleep wake up its gone. I wake up and the nightmare is there every waking moment

 

[New Leaf]

And yes I am in in sound mind loll, although it might not seem so right now. I am in unfamiliar territory I am in a ocean with a shark that turns out to be my daughter, Earth shattering!!!

Of course you are of sound mind, it is earth shattering to have something like this happen, devastating, as your nom de plume represents. I was just thinking about this D, that my very foundation was thrown off kilter when the reality of my twos life choices hit me full force. It is mind blowing and cuts to our souls.
It is all so new and raw for you, like the intense over powering ache of a fresh wound.
You will get through this dark time, D, keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings, little by little, day by day, the wound will heal.
You will get through this. In the darkness, it is hard to see the light, but it is there, and you will find it.

(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

You are going thru so much yourself and seem to be able to still rationalize and stay on such an even keel

Me??? No way. I am sad a whole lot now that my son is back in my town.

I am angry with him. I write what I do to work it out in my own mind. I am better, but like NL says, it comes in waves.

I am in a ocean with a shark

I do not for one second believe her intention was to hurt you.

Her intention was to take the money. It just happened to be yours.

How I wish this did not happen. But I believe good may come of it. But not for a while.

I do not know what is worse: to believe your daughter is everything good, and to find out it is not the case. Or to watch as your child goes down hill, and to wonder if he will ever build himself back up.

There is not one thing you or I can do, however different are our circumstances. Except try to find peace and happiness within ourselves.

This is what grief is like. It abates in its own time. How well I know.

COPA

 

[Albatross]

I must fear where I will likely end up if he does not change.

Because I feel myself tethered to him. I feel that there is no tearing myself away. That is what needs to change. Not the love, but the conjoined quality of it.

Something clicked for me when you said this, Copa.

We did not do this in vain, Albatross. We did not do it for a result. I am sure of it. That is where we are lost in a thicket of weeds. We loved. Not for a result. But to love.

And this. Thank you.

 

[Albatross]

I am trying to believe this is as severe as a drug addiction however I am one to roll my eyes at how ridiculous and irrational that is. And why pick your mother to steal from!!!

I agree with Leafy on this one, Devastated. We are the safest targets. I don't think *you* entered into the thought process at all. It wasn't directed at YOU. The money was there, it paid for something that in her mind makes her feel complete, and she would deal with the aftermath later. Much easier than risking a shoplifting charge or something worse.

I am so sorry, though. It hurts so much, that we would mean so little to them. My son stole some old coins his grandfather had collected many years ago. I am sure some of them were worth far more than their face value, but he spent them as standard coins, on alcohol. I found out about it accidentally, by hearing him trying to console a friend who stole from HER mother...that it was no big deal...he did it too...So ironic, that his concern would be the feelings of a friend...by holding up an example of his theft from his grandfather, parents and sister.

 

[TheWalrus]

My daughter's de-railing was not the first major upset of my life. Like most people, I have had various levels of grief, tragedy and chaos. When she had her "accident" and so, so many things came to light - the drugs, the lies, things she had done - on top of the physical injuries and her mental illness diagnosis, I literally felt I was drowning. There were moments I couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even think. It was like I was consumed by this fire that filled my heart and my mind.

What helped me when it became so hard was stepping back and reminding myself that I would not feel this way forever. This was not the rest of my life. I had been through hard things before, and things always got better - so this would too. And as badly as we want it to be better RIGHT NOW, that reminding myself, "Give it a week, a month, three months...you won't feel this way." And I was right. After a month, I was better. Within three, I felt completely different. It has been six months now, and I feel close to normal. I am not so silly as to believe I will ever believe that I will ever be the person I was before all of this happened, because pain and tragedy changes you, but I remember that person. I am living MY life again. I am not faking it anymore. I can have joy and happiness and times when I don't think about my daughter and feel fear, worry, anxiety.

Be patient. You won't always feel the way you feel right now; your family won't be the way it is today forever. Just take it one day at a time.

 

[Copabanana]

My daughter's de-railing was not the first major upset of my life. Like most people, I have had various levels of grief, tragedy and chaos

This is what gives this struggle power for good, that it wakes up all of the past trauma--and gives us another chance to resolve it.

I was not so lucky. I kept going while things got tough with my son, but then when I quit work to care for my mother as she died, I could not any longer keep going.

It took years. But I see now, even being felled so completely has been a huge opportunity, because I have been able (with the help of this site) to really look at how I have lived my life...and get perspective.

Not all suffering is bad. Some of it is learning that just feels bad.

I look at what is happening to your daughter in this same way. She will have an opportunity (if she takes it) to know herself in a way few do. She will have the opportunity if she takes it to really choose who she becomes, not just slip slide along. You, too, will find yourself changed.

Not just bruised and battered, but awake and determined, too.

That is what I think.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

"We need to be aware of the suffering, but retain our clarity, calmness and strength so we can help transform the situation."

THICH NHAT HANH, Teachings on Love

I look at what is happening to your daughter in this same way. She will have an opportunity (if she takes it) to know herself in a way few do. She will have the opportunity if she takes it to really choose who she becomes, not just slip slide along. You, too, will find yourself changed.

Not just bruised and battered, but awake and determined, too.

This is so true, Copa and Devastated, though we do not wish these things to happen, they do, and they test us to our very core. It is opportunity for growth and change. It doesn't seem like it, when we are tasting the pain in our being, but in the long run there is much learning from suffering. We can either stay on the ground, or be like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes.

There are many examples of humans who have suffered, and become greater through overcoming it.

You will be okay Devastated, one day at a time.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Devasted Mom]

Me??? No way. I am sad a whole lot now that my son is back in my town.

I am angry with him. I write what I do to work it out in my own mind. I am better, but like NL says, it comes in waves.
I do not for one second believe her intention was to hurt you.

Her intention was to take the money. It just happened to be yours.

How I wish this did not happen. But I believe good may come of it. But not for a awhile.

I do not know what is worse: to believe your daughter is everything good, and to find out it is not the case. Or to watch as your child goes down hill, and to wonder if he will ever build himself back up.

There is not one thing you or I can do, however different are our circumsta. Except try to find peace and happiness within ourselves.

This is what grief is like. It abates in its own time. How well I know.

COPA

You and all my other friends here have been my only strength and sanity. Awhile seems light years away yet I have realized I have no control to change anything she has to do the work. I can only hope we can come out of this darkness in one piece

 

[Devasted Mom]

My daughter's de-railing was not the first major upset of my life. Like most people, I have had various levels of grief, tragedy and chaos. When she had her "accident" and so, so many things came to light - the drugs, the lies, things she had done - on top of the physical injuries and her mental illness diagnosis, I literally felt I was drowning. There were moments I couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't even think. It was like I was consumed by this fire that filled my heart and my mind.

What helped me when it became so hard was stepping back and reminding myself that I would not feel this way forever. This was not the rest of my life. I had been through hard things before, and things always got better - so this would too. And as badly as we want it to be better RIGHT NOW, that reminding myself, "Give it a week, a month, three months...you won't feel this way." And I was right. After a month, I was better. Within three, I felt completely different. It has been six months now, and I feel close to normal. I am not so silly as to believe I will ever believe that I will ever be the person I was before all of this happened, because pain and tragedy changes you, but I remember that person. I am living MY life again. I am not faking it anymore. I can have joy and happiness and times when I don't think about my daughter and feel fear, worry, anxiety.

Be patient. You won't always feel the way you feel right now; your family won't be the way it is today forever. Just take it one day at a time.

I feel happiness is something I used to know. I have not one ounce of happiness in my entire body You do give me hope. It has been an effort to breath and yes I am consumed but I have to believe better days are ahead

 

[Devasted Mom]

This is what gives this struggle power for good, that it wakes up all of the past trauma--and gives us another chance to resolve it.

I was not so lucky. I kept going while things got tough with my son, but then when I quit work to care for my mother as she died, I could not any longer keep going.

It took years. But I see now, even being felled so completely has been a huge opportunity, because I have been able (with the help of this site) to really look at how I have lived my life...and get perspective.

Not all suffering is bad. Some of it is learning that just feels bad.

I look at what is happening to your daughter in this same way. She will have an opportunity (if she takes it) to know herself in a way few do. She will have the opportunity if she takes it to really choose who she becomes, not just slip slide along. You, too, will find yourself changed.

Not just bruised and battered, but awake and determined, too.

That is what I think.

COPA

From your mouth to gods ears. I have to just keep in mind as we spoke last night no matter how many questions I ask and how many she replies to ,does not ease my hurt nor does it change the fact of what she did. I just have to actual believe that. And god knows I'm trying. You speak of years I don't know I would have the strength you have. I'm mentally exhausted after 1 month

 

[Devasted Mom]

"We need to be aware of the suffering, but retain our clarity, calmness and strength so we can help transform the situation."

THICH NHAT HANH, Teachings on Love
This is so true, Copa and Devastated, though we do not wish these things to happen, they do, and they test us to our very core. It is opportunity for growth and change. It doesn't seem like it, when we are tasting the pain in our being, but in the long run there is much learning from suffering. We can either stay on the ground, or be like the Phoenix that rises from the ashes.

There are many examples of humans who have suffered, and become greater through overcoming it.

You will be okay Devastated, one day at a time.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

Thank you I hope you are right. I have been through many trails and tribulations in my lifetime and have always felt I was a strong person. This has been the worst and most devasting test ever for me. If I survive this nothing could every break me. More importantly I pray for new beginnings for her. And she will overcome this for I do not want this to be her destiny . I would hate for this to define who she is.

 

[Devasted Mom]

I agree with Leafy on this one, Devastated. We are the safest targets. I don't think *you* entered into the thought process at all. It wasn't directed at YOU. The money was there, it paid for something that in her mind makes her feel complete, and she would deal with the aftermath later. Much easier than risking a shoplifting charge or something worse.

I am so sorry, though. It hurts so much, that we would mean so little to them. My son stole some old coins his grandfather had collected many years ago. I am sure some of them were worth far more than their face value, but he spent them as standard coins, on alcohol. I found out about it accidentally, by hearing him trying to console a friend who stole from HER mother...that it was no big deal...he did it too...So ironic, that his concern would be the feelings of a friend...by holding up an example of his theft from his grandfather, parents and sister.

As you said meaning so little to her I think is what hurts most. She considered me easy prey her own mother. This blows me away, I feel I am in an entirely different universe. It is so hard to believe she can be that horrifying selfish that I did not even enter the thought process. That self gratification over powers the love for your mother!!! How to these adult children turn into whatever they are now?How can they steal and destroy from the people who would give their owns life's for them?