Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Except as in the case of my son, who was hostile, aggressive and dominating. That is gone, now. But at what cost? Who knows?
And what risks did I take that I did not acknowledge at the time and resist doing so now.
I can't do this....
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
And what risks did I take that I did not acknowledge at the time and resist doing so now.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
In my mind, if a non drug abusing adult kid is homeless and cant figure out how to make things better within two years (and it shouldnt take that long), my default position would be that the person, for reasons we dont always know, is incapable of living as an independent adult.
if that person was dangerous or impossible to live with, that would complicate any decision to bring him or her back home.
if that person was dangerous or impossible to live with, that would complicate any decision to bring him or her back home.
Jabberwockey
Well-Known Member
I agree SWOT. I do believe that our son is on the high end of that spectrum. He can function in the world on his own at least to an extent. He has proven that. The problem is, when he hits an obstacle, instead of trying to figure out how to get around it, he shuts down and gives up.
Lil
Well-Known Member
I'm hoping, really, really hoping, he will consent to maybe testing, maybe ... anything really. There is a neuropsychologist office in the next town over. Maybe we could get him an evaluation? He quit going to the therapist I think because Jabber stopped getting off work at noon and so he'd have to take two busses and like an hour to get there - and it's literally less than 10 minutes by car. In a way, I don't even blame him! We have such crappy public transportation in this town.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Jabber, that is a lot like Sonic. He functions fine until something goes wrong. Then he needs somebody to direct him and he can't really "think on his feet," He has supports, ourselves included, to help him under those circumstances.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
A neuropsychological evaluation will get a lot more info thsn just a talk therapist. A condition to staying maybe?
Lil
Well-Known Member
He made some remarks about how he knows he can't handle emotions. How he doesn't want to feel this way, doesn't want to be so unhappy all the time. Of course, he also made remarks about knowing what would make him feel better (probably weed) and that he doesn't want to ride the effing bus for an hour to see the effing counselor who doesn't do any good anyway.
He says so much and upsets me so much I can't even remember what was said or in what order. It exhausts me and confuses me so much my brain freezes.
And God forbid I try to explain what these phone calls do to me...then he's sorry he's such a rotten useless effing son.
He says so much and upsets me so much I can't even remember what was said or in what order. It exhausts me and confuses me so much my brain freezes.
And God forbid I try to explain what these phone calls do to me...then he's sorry he's such a rotten useless effing son.
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
I probably wouldn't have made a very good parent as by the time I'd gone through what you have, Lil, my response to this little gem would've been, "So am I."
Actually, your response should probably have been something to the effect of, "You're the only one who can change that. Sorry, I've got to get back to work." *Click*
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
But this is what Lil feels unable to do because of how that ended so badly with her son's Dad.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Well, something was not right with the dad too. And thats the problem. Son is more like bio. dad. I would be thinking about that too. I think about it with Bart. "Why did I have a kid when my D n a is such a disaster." I feel guilty at times and hope Lil doesn't.
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PonyGirl65
Active Member
Okay I'm coming late to the party, so if I repeat something someone else has already said, I apologize.
First off, Lil & Jabber, I feel for you. As we all do!
Secondly, what really happens if he's homeless? Will he really and truly off himself? And even if it doesn't - who among us could take that terrible risk....
Third, and sadly, what happens if you go back on your word? What message does it send him? In my jaded brain, I hear your son saying something like this: "Well, there we go - all I need to do is threaten suicide and I get my way"....
Your situation seems bleak. I cannot offer another option other than he GOES, or he STAYS. Oh sure, you can put conditions on him staying. I don't think you'll disagree, he won't comply with the conditions. You will be the ones suffering because of the conditions, not him.
So, here's my two-cents, and it's what I apply to many situations in my own life:
I can CHANGE it, or I can ACCEPT it.
Recently I've been going through completely unacceptable dealings at my work. I was utterly miserable every day. Temper tantrums, ugly sarcasm, way too many smoke-breaks....etc. I knew what my choices were: Get a different job, or Suck it Up.
I've worked here for 27 years. I've got 5 weeks paid vacation. I am 51 years old. I do not want to start over.
So, I needed to CHANGE my Attitude. I need to stop, breathe, and CHOOSE my RESPONSE instead of Reacting when
happens. And happens every day, sometimes all day.
That's my only advice: Stop, breathe, and Choose your response. Truly. Stop. Breathe. Choose. Choose what you will say (or not say). Choose if you will accept the deal, or not accept it. Figure things out from there.
Again, I truly do feel for you both. You're in a no-win, as far as I can see. I'm so sorry
First off, Lil & Jabber, I feel for you. As we all do!
Secondly, what really happens if he's homeless? Will he really and truly off himself? And even if it doesn't - who among us could take that terrible risk....
Third, and sadly, what happens if you go back on your word? What message does it send him? In my jaded brain, I hear your son saying something like this: "Well, there we go - all I need to do is threaten suicide and I get my way"....
Your situation seems bleak. I cannot offer another option other than he GOES, or he STAYS. Oh sure, you can put conditions on him staying. I don't think you'll disagree, he won't comply with the conditions. You will be the ones suffering because of the conditions, not him.
So, here's my two-cents, and it's what I apply to many situations in my own life:
I can CHANGE it, or I can ACCEPT it.
Recently I've been going through completely unacceptable dealings at my work. I was utterly miserable every day. Temper tantrums, ugly sarcasm, way too many smoke-breaks....etc. I knew what my choices were: Get a different job, or Suck it Up.
I've worked here for 27 years. I've got 5 weeks paid vacation. I am 51 years old. I do not want to start over.
So, I needed to CHANGE my Attitude. I need to stop, breathe, and CHOOSE my RESPONSE instead of Reacting when
happens. And happens every day, sometimes all day. That's my only advice: Stop, breathe, and Choose your response. Truly. Stop. Breathe. Choose. Choose what you will say (or not say). Choose if you will accept the deal, or not accept it. Figure things out from there.
Again, I truly do feel for you both. You're in a no-win, as far as I can see. I'm so sorry
Lil
Well-Known Member
It wasn't MY DNA - Mine is awesome! lol
I have, at times, felt quite guilty for choosing the father I did for him.
I said to Jabber once, "I should have waited until I found you." then immediately felt like a monster, like I was saying HE should never have been born. 
That's not how I meant it...but in a way, yeah, I feel like it's my fault. Don't we all from time to time?
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
MY DNA worried me so much adopting all my kids was in high consideration!!! ; )
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I am filled with sadness at all of our plights. But that does not help us but Ponygirl's post might.
I threw him out not because it was the right thing to do, but because I did not know what else to do and M told me it was the right thing for my son. I believed him. But more than that I wanted someway out. I took the off ramp. I could not take anymore. But I had never had anybody close to me suicide. Believe me, I took this route not due to strength, but due to weakness. I could not take more. Thank G-d my son is OK.
It took multiple people to throw him out for him to get it. That he could not impose his way or the highway. It has to be a partnership. He understands that now. What changed? I can say it was throwing him out. I want to say it. But that is because I still must have residual guilt, that I did it. I did not know what else to do. I had no tools in my toolbox.
He no longer says it, nor do I believe he thinks of suicide as an option. I think he believes that he would have bad karma in his next life. We leave it at that.
The thing is I believe one, he needed to learn how to manage his emotions, and two, he needed to decide if he wanted to live or die. But how would I have felt if he had killed himself? Would I have still stuck to those beliefs? I highly doubt it. I think they are so many words, to make me feel some control or understanding of my position and options, when I really do not think I have much.
More and more I think M is right. I need my son more than he needs me. I seem to need and want him near me, as bad as that sounds. I need him to be OK. If he is not, I am not. Period. End of story. The rest is BS.
Maybe you are onto something lil. Maybe son needs to stay home until he leaves. Maybe no more ultimatums you cannot keep.
Well, I did. My son routinely threatened suicide when he was overwhelmed. I could not live that way. Plus he was aggressive and domineering too. I could not live that way, either.
I threw him out not because it was the right thing to do, but because I did not know what else to do and M told me it was the right thing for my son. I believed him. But more than that I wanted someway out. I took the off ramp. I could not take anymore. But I had never had anybody close to me suicide. Believe me, I took this route not due to strength, but due to weakness. I could not take more. Thank G-d my son is OK.
It took multiple people to throw him out for him to get it. That he could not impose his way or the highway. It has to be a partnership. He understands that now. What changed? I can say it was throwing him out. I want to say it. But that is because I still must have residual guilt, that I did it. I did not know what else to do. I had no tools in my toolbox.
I believe for my son it was the easiest thing to do to threaten suicide. He got control. He got what he wanted. He did not have to cope or learn to cope. It was like saying time out. And he did it that easily.
He no longer says it, nor do I believe he thinks of suicide as an option. I think he believes that he would have bad karma in his next life. We leave it at that.
The thing is I believe one, he needed to learn how to manage his emotions, and two, he needed to decide if he wanted to live or die. But how would I have felt if he had killed himself? Would I have still stuck to those beliefs? I highly doubt it. I think they are so many words, to make me feel some control or understanding of my position and options, when I really do not think I have much.
More and more I think M is right. I need my son more than he needs me. I seem to need and want him near me, as bad as that sounds. I need him to be OK. If he is not, I am not. Period. End of story. The rest is BS.
Maybe you are onto something lil. Maybe son needs to stay home until he leaves. Maybe no more ultimatums you cannot keep.
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GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
Well, not only are my mother, her brother, her father, and several other maternal relatives on the AS spectrum, my father, my sister, and several members of my father's side of the family were bipolar.
I inherited BOTH. In addition, I'm a carrier of Tay-Sachs Syndrome, a lethal genetic defect that causes apparently healthy babies to deteriorate painfully until they die at 3-4 years of age.
Don't feel bad about YOUR DNA, SWOT. Mine was a contribution to the gene pool better not made, especially as my husband was also a Tourette's Syndrome carrier.
I inherited BOTH. In addition, I'm a carrier of Tay-Sachs Syndrome, a lethal genetic defect that causes apparently healthy babies to deteriorate painfully until they die at 3-4 years of age.
Don't feel bad about YOUR DNA, SWOT. Mine was a contribution to the gene pool better not made, especially as my husband was also a Tourette's Syndrome carrier.
pasajes4
Well-Known Member
Please remember that all threats of suicide must be taken seriously. Call the authorities, as hard as that is, let them make the call. If they are using it to manipulate the situation, they will tire of being called on the carpet. It is also possible that they will blow a gasket in front of the authorities and be taken in for a psychiatric evaluation.
Lil
Well-Known Member
Well, 5:00. Time to go home. Jabber stopped by the office just now and we talked a bit and smoked a cigarette we neither one really wanted (we quit in January - I've had 3 since then - all when son stressed me out. Jabber has had 2. They make me sick as a dog...but like any addiction, the craving is there. On the up side, they DO make me nauseated. So then I remember that until it gets TOO stressful.
We're ordering junk for dinner so I don't have to think and there's something we all like to eat (pizza). I'm picking son up from a friend's house and then we'll go home and have our talk.
Pray a little prayer if you are so inclined. I could use good vibes.
I expect we'll be back on here tonight.
We're ordering junk for dinner so I don't have to think and there's something we all like to eat (pizza). I'm picking son up from a friend's house and then we'll go home and have our talk.
Pray a little prayer if you are so inclined. I could use good vibes.
I expect we'll be back on here tonight.
