I HATE MONEY
- Thread starter Lil
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
From all these posts, and I mean no badness to you when I say this...it is just observation...I think you tend to downplay your son's behavior and the possibility/probability that he is hanging around with druggies because he is one. Sober adults do not hang with those who use. There are ways to fudge a drug test...one is to use another person's urine, another is to learn which drugs show up, another is to abstain for a few days before the test, if you know one is coming. My daughter used meth and when she was taken to the psychiatric hospital her drug test was clean so nobody believed her when she said she was a drug addict (her words; her plea; they said she was just looking for attention). I think your son is using drugs more than you will allow yourself to think because the idea is so scary (yes, I know it is).
If your son has always been this way, do you not think it's time to start putting the total kabosh on it? If it were me, there would have been no car just for going to a job interview. Big deal. Eighteen year olds are fighting overseas. He went on a job interview. He may not be sober while he drives. He may take some criminal friends with him. He doesn't need your car. By backing off, he now will think he can further manipulate you, just like he did when he was little. And just like he still does all these years later. He knows it works so he keeps himself in child mode. You can stop it by treating him like an adult and telling him you are not going to give him anything just because he talks as if he is depressed and if he IS depressed he needs to make an appointment with a competent psychiatrist as you are NOT one. Tell him he is a smart MAN (not boy) and knows very well that you are a lawyer and can't help his depression and that he needs to find good help that CAN make him feel better.
In my opinion, you are in denial about how badly your son is behaving. Acting like a little boy works for him and gets him things so he does it. He's no dummy. He knows exactly how to get what he wants. In this case it was the car. Betcha his friends will pitch in for gas, if he runs too low. You have no idea what he will be doing out there. Just like I didn't know what my daughter did and was in denial as well. Denial is a nice place to be. It feels good. "He's not so bad. It's not his fault. He can't help it. Well, gosh golly, he went on a job interview like almost every other non-college eighteen year old man. Guess I'll give him the car as a reward." You know he likely will not pay you back. There is no excuse for his whining, crying, bugging you, acting ten or behaving as if he is useless just to make you reward him.
by the way, it sounds like he has anxiety disorder if he worries that much. I have it along with a mood disorder. 36 has it too. It's no fun, and you do worry needlessly, but it's not fatal and is no excuse not to work.
in my opinion nothing will change until you do. And so far you have not gotten to that point. Baby steps, I know, but every year he is allowed to get away with this degree of manipulation it is one more wasted year of his life AND OF YOURS. And you don't deserve to waste your years. I hope you decide to take back your power and see through your son's "poor me" and crying and putting down of himself and whatever else he does that makes you feel so badly for him that you'll do anything to make him smile. He is playing games with you and you and him are both suffering because he is getting away with them.
Try to see your son for who he is. I'm sure he has good traits, but you also need to see the other side. Hugs!!!!
If your son has always been this way, do you not think it's time to start putting the total kabosh on it? If it were me, there would have been no car just for going to a job interview. Big deal. Eighteen year olds are fighting overseas. He went on a job interview. He may not be sober while he drives. He may take some criminal friends with him. He doesn't need your car. By backing off, he now will think he can further manipulate you, just like he did when he was little. And just like he still does all these years later. He knows it works so he keeps himself in child mode. You can stop it by treating him like an adult and telling him you are not going to give him anything just because he talks as if he is depressed and if he IS depressed he needs to make an appointment with a competent psychiatrist as you are NOT one. Tell him he is a smart MAN (not boy) and knows very well that you are a lawyer and can't help his depression and that he needs to find good help that CAN make him feel better.
In my opinion, you are in denial about how badly your son is behaving. Acting like a little boy works for him and gets him things so he does it. He's no dummy. He knows exactly how to get what he wants. In this case it was the car. Betcha his friends will pitch in for gas, if he runs too low. You have no idea what he will be doing out there. Just like I didn't know what my daughter did and was in denial as well. Denial is a nice place to be. It feels good. "He's not so bad. It's not his fault. He can't help it. Well, gosh golly, he went on a job interview like almost every other non-college eighteen year old man. Guess I'll give him the car as a reward." You know he likely will not pay you back. There is no excuse for his whining, crying, bugging you, acting ten or behaving as if he is useless just to make you reward him.
by the way, it sounds like he has anxiety disorder if he worries that much. I have it along with a mood disorder. 36 has it too. It's no fun, and you do worry needlessly, but it's not fatal and is no excuse not to work.
in my opinion nothing will change until you do. And so far you have not gotten to that point. Baby steps, I know, but every year he is allowed to get away with this degree of manipulation it is one more wasted year of his life AND OF YOURS. And you don't deserve to waste your years. I hope you decide to take back your power and see through your son's "poor me" and crying and putting down of himself and whatever else he does that makes you feel so badly for him that you'll do anything to make him smile. He is playing games with you and you and him are both suffering because he is getting away with them.
Try to see your son for who he is. I'm sure he has good traits, but you also need to see the other side. Hugs!!!!
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Lil
Well-Known Member
Well actually, he came home in a pretty good mood considering. Bummed out about his friend, who he says has been binge drinking nonstop for a week and the place he was at was full of drunken idiots and he would have left immediately, except for his friend and not wanting to make things worse for him. He took his friend to his cousin's house and left him there. He was sad, but quite mature about the whole thing...said he really tried to help his friend, but now he sees there's nothing he can do.
MWM, I do appreciate your input. But I don't think I did anything wrong with letting him take the car to his friends. It's my car. I can give it to a bum on the street if I want. I chose to let him use it. I let him know in advance this was not going to be repeated. He was sober. Not only that but he came home early - still sober and with some insight into his friend. All in all, I think I made the right call.
Sorry I'm not tough enough for you. You are right - I'm NOT ready to kick him to the curb. Maybe I am downplaying. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe I'm to blame for everything. Maybe nothing will change and it's all my fault.
All I want is a quiet, peaceful household. I want my kid to grow up. I want him to get a job...which he apparently has. I want these moods of his to be under control.
I can only handle one thing at a time. Right now that's getting the job and keeping the job. We'll work on the rest.
MWM, I do appreciate your input. But I don't think I did anything wrong with letting him take the car to his friends. It's my car. I can give it to a bum on the street if I want. I chose to let him use it. I let him know in advance this was not going to be repeated. He was sober. Not only that but he came home early - still sober and with some insight into his friend. All in all, I think I made the right call.
Sorry I'm not tough enough for you. You are right - I'm NOT ready to kick him to the curb. Maybe I am downplaying. Maybe I am in denial. Maybe I'm to blame for everything. Maybe nothing will change and it's all my fault.
All I want is a quiet, peaceful household. I want my kid to grow up. I want him to get a job...which he apparently has. I want these moods of his to be under control.
I can only handle one thing at a time. Right now that's getting the job and keeping the job. We'll work on the rest.
Childofmine
one day at a time
Take to heart what MWM said Lil. Take what you like and leave the rest but think on these things and really examine yourself.
We want the best for you. He will have to find his best himself.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
We want the best for you. He will have to find his best himself.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
Lil
Well-Known Member
MWM, I should not have been so snippy. I do apologize. I was just actually having a good day and felt pretty positive until I read the last post. Now you have me second guessing everything I did today and I didn't like that. So I got defensive and I'm sorry. I know you mean well MWM and I'm very sorry for my last post.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lil, no problem. I tend to try to get parents to see what I didn't see because it hurt me and my own adult children when I closed my eyes. I do think you are, as I was, so eager to see progress that you exaggerate anything that he does that is normal, like going on a job interview. Trust me, I did the same and, boy, when the truth slapped me in the face, I was so not ready. When I walked in on my daughter's drug/pill/drinking party after coming home from a vacation a day early without telling her (it was not to trick her, we just thought she was at home taking care of our pets), the denial turned into horror. We had no idea she used pills. We had no idea she'd bring a crew of criminals who looked like thugs into our home to get high, puke in our bathrooms, and pass break the law under our roof. We had to call the cops to get rid of them. Because I thought she was only using pot, and only sometimes, it was a shock like I can't explain.
This is embarassing, but I will s hare. My daughter, ins pite of doing meth and cocaine, was in hair styling school getting A's. But her counselor called me to tell me that several of her peers were worried about her and felt she was doing serious drugs, like cocaine. I gave the poor young woman a piece of my mind and told her my daughter was on bipolar medication (I thought she was) and that they did not understand...MY DAUGHTER WAS NOT A DRUG USER OF HARD DRUGS!!!!
But I found out she was. And the counselor had been right. For some reason, my daughter could do school and work while very high on drugs. And she did both. Once we found some parphanalia in our car. I was driving my youngest to school. She said, "What's this?" and gave it to me. I gasped and threw it out the window so we didn't get stopped by a cop and then confronted my daughter, who we still thought just used pot (and, to be fair, this was one of those devices they use to smoke pot with). I woke her up and she was ticked and said, "Oh, I can't believe it! I WAS SET UP! I know who did it too!" I was furious at this person who set her up, only the truth was there was no person who set her up. It was hers. Denial, denial, denial. I believed her until I saw for myself and I couldn't deny anymore. I made more excuses for her than I have fingers and toes. You remind me of myself back then. I'm sorry I upset you. I really am.
I do not think your son would have been around binge drinkers and alcoholics tonight at all if he wasn't doing it himself...and with that I will let others give you further advice. I don't want to make you angry. Something is not right in your situation, but it is your journey, not mine and you have to take it yourself and deal with it in your own way as does your son. I wish you good luck
. All of us are holding your hand, regardless of our take on things. We have not had it easy and we learned from the famous School of Hard Knocks...lol. Take care.
This is embarassing, but I will s hare. My daughter, ins pite of doing meth and cocaine, was in hair styling school getting A's. But her counselor called me to tell me that several of her peers were worried about her and felt she was doing serious drugs, like cocaine. I gave the poor young woman a piece of my mind and told her my daughter was on bipolar medication (I thought she was) and that they did not understand...MY DAUGHTER WAS NOT A DRUG USER OF HARD DRUGS!!!!
But I found out she was. And the counselor had been right. For some reason, my daughter could do school and work while very high on drugs. And she did both. Once we found some parphanalia in our car. I was driving my youngest to school. She said, "What's this?" and gave it to me. I gasped and threw it out the window so we didn't get stopped by a cop and then confronted my daughter, who we still thought just used pot (and, to be fair, this was one of those devices they use to smoke pot with). I woke her up and she was ticked and said, "Oh, I can't believe it! I WAS SET UP! I know who did it too!" I was furious at this person who set her up, only the truth was there was no person who set her up. It was hers. Denial, denial, denial. I believed her until I saw for myself and I couldn't deny anymore. I made more excuses for her than I have fingers and toes. You remind me of myself back then. I'm sorry I upset you. I really am.
I do not think your son would have been around binge drinkers and alcoholics tonight at all if he wasn't doing it himself...and with that I will let others give you further advice. I don't want to make you angry. Something is not right in your situation, but it is your journey, not mine and you have to take it yourself and deal with it in your own way as does your son. I wish you good luck
. All of us are holding your hand, regardless of our take on things. We have not had it easy and we learned from the famous School of Hard Knocks...lol. Take care.
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Lil
Well-Known Member
But do you not see that he wasn't "around binge drinkers and alcoholics". That makes it sound like he was at some party. He wasn't joining in. He hasn't seen this kid in at least two weeks and then it was just for an hour and before that it had been another two weeks. He's known this boy since middle school. His friend is basically homeless since his mother moved and left him, moving from friend to relative and has been texting my son non-stop to come by because he's probably leaving to go to his father's 4 hours away...if his dad will take him. My son went to hang out with a friend and instead came home COMPLETELY SOBER and disgusted by the whole thing. He took his drunken friend to his cousin's house and left him there.
Obviously, my son is not perfect. I'd hardly be on here if he were. He has problems I don't know how to deal with. I find the moods to be the most concerning, although I'm quite certain he's smoked pot. I'm quite certain he'll do it again, whether I like it or not. I'm also quite certain he has had alcohol. But he didn't tonight. He could have. We didn't give him any time limit to come home. If he'd asked, we might well have let him keep the car all night. But he didn't. He was gone a couple hours and came home. Sober. Upset at his friend's behavior. What am I missing here that makes that a bad thing?
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Oh MWM I could tell some stories of how quick I was to believe difficult child and turn on anyone who threatened his good reputation. It was downright desperate at times.
So I think a lot of it for me is reading where someone else is with their child and having it all churn up again for me. I can't do it again, but boy sometimes I wish I could, and here you are going through it, Lil. Right at some of those points where I wish I would have done things differently.
Re. him visiting friends tonight, for what it's worth, when I get a lot of details about the OTHER people being trouble but not MOI that sets off my BS detector big-time. But that's just me and my experience and may not be true in your case at all.
And from what I read here, it seems like his moods affect your moods, that you are quick to defend, and that you are exhausted.
But the thing is, Lil, I don't know. I can only tell you what I see from what is written here and all the back story I bring to this place. That's one of the reasons I think it is so important to take what we can use and leave the rest.
So I think a lot of it for me is reading where someone else is with their child and having it all churn up again for me. I can't do it again, but boy sometimes I wish I could, and here you are going through it, Lil. Right at some of those points where I wish I would have done things differently.
Re. him visiting friends tonight, for what it's worth, when I get a lot of details about the OTHER people being trouble but not MOI that sets off my BS detector big-time. But that's just me and my experience and may not be true in your case at all.
And from what I read here, it seems like his moods affect your moods, that you are quick to defend, and that you are exhausted.
But the thing is, Lil, I don't know. I can only tell you what I see from what is written here and all the back story I bring to this place. That's one of the reasons I think it is so important to take what we can use and leave the rest.
Lil saying a prayer and sending positive energy, didn't get here till late (page 5) please understand not blowing you off- barely hanging in there myself... therapy for myself, for family, and dealing with getting a parathyroid tumor taken out of Angel's neck...
Everything I've read,had this thread up since 11AM- took kid to appointment., a dozen phone calls, cooked dinner... screams bipolar at me; if have medical insurance on him urge you to get him to go for psychiatric evaluation. then SSI disability if in the states, not sure where you are? no details state would be great
On the what time you get home issue would say "I would have been home a couple hours ago had it not been for all the distractions at work" seriously that has to stop.
hope I didn't blow it (breaking my rule about impaired posting) but right here with you circling the wagons... will post more when sober
Nancy
Everything I've read,had this thread up since 11AM- took kid to appointment., a dozen phone calls, cooked dinner... screams bipolar at me; if have medical insurance on him urge you to get him to go for psychiatric evaluation. then SSI disability if in the states, not sure where you are? no details state would be great
On the what time you get home issue would say "I would have been home a couple hours ago had it not been for all the distractions at work" seriously that has to stop.
hope I didn't blow it (breaking my rule about impaired posting) but right here with you circling the wagons... will post more when sober
Nancy
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Hey Lil,
Chiming in again. husband and i just returned from a two-night trip to a nice, relaxing quaint vacation town...so I feel refreshed.
I have been thinking about you and your son, and i believe, if i had found this forum when difficult child was 19 or 20, i may very well have felt much like you. Instead, I found this forum when our difficult child was 32, after years and years of that behavior. From time to time, posters point out that we can only share, based on our own experiences. Uh, yeah. What other lens could we possibly use? Also, there are references to a difficult child handbook. While it may not be available via amazon.com, i swear it must exist.
The manipulation, based on what has worked for them in the past, is very real.....and, of course!! Once some of us see it for what it is, that is HUGE.
Stay alert, not for what you have seen in the past. Read through so many, many stories on this forum. You will find numerous like your own. You will see common threads about what has not worked. I know, giving in to our son, here and there because we were trying so very hard to HELP him, did not work. husband and i wish we had bowed out, so that difficult child could have found a way without us.
Chiming in again. husband and i just returned from a two-night trip to a nice, relaxing quaint vacation town...so I feel refreshed.
I have been thinking about you and your son, and i believe, if i had found this forum when difficult child was 19 or 20, i may very well have felt much like you. Instead, I found this forum when our difficult child was 32, after years and years of that behavior. From time to time, posters point out that we can only share, based on our own experiences. Uh, yeah. What other lens could we possibly use? Also, there are references to a difficult child handbook. While it may not be available via amazon.com, i swear it must exist.
The manipulation, based on what has worked for them in the past, is very real.....and, of course!! Once some of us see it for what it is, that is HUGE.
Stay alert, not for what you have seen in the past. Read through so many, many stories on this forum. You will find numerous like your own. You will see common threads about what has not worked. I know, giving in to our son, here and there because we were trying so very hard to HELP him, did not work. husband and i wish we had bowed out, so that difficult child could have found a way without us.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Deleted.
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Childofmine
one day at a time
Just want to say that there is no right or wrong here and all of us want to see fantastic success in any story and family on this forum.
And none of us can know the future of each difficult child and his/her particular set of diagnoses and behaviors.
Sometimes when we're feeling a bit better (a wonderful thing!!) and others' posts are pointing out things, we don't want to lose the good feelings and that is so understandable.
Lil you are so open and honest in your posts and that is a really good thing. Don't start holding back and remember to take what you like always and leave the rest. That is a core alanon principle and something we do and must practice here.
We all have different styles and ways of writing here and that creates a tapestry of experience and much truth I believe. And it will always be incomplete because words are incomplete and we are not walking in each other's shoes.
MWM is relentlessly honest while still being empathetic and I need that type of close examination to my own very human and thus very imperfect thinking and actions.
It is so very hard to do what we are doing and it is an extremely emotional and tense journey.
Let there be gentleness between us all as we search for peace.
I think you are both great warriors and I care about you both very much.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
And none of us can know the future of each difficult child and his/her particular set of diagnoses and behaviors.
Sometimes when we're feeling a bit better (a wonderful thing!!) and others' posts are pointing out things, we don't want to lose the good feelings and that is so understandable.
Lil you are so open and honest in your posts and that is a really good thing. Don't start holding back and remember to take what you like always and leave the rest. That is a core alanon principle and something we do and must practice here.
We all have different styles and ways of writing here and that creates a tapestry of experience and much truth I believe. And it will always be incomplete because words are incomplete and we are not walking in each other's shoes.
MWM is relentlessly honest while still being empathetic and I need that type of close examination to my own very human and thus very imperfect thinking and actions.
It is so very hard to do what we are doing and it is an extremely emotional and tense journey.
Let there be gentleness between us all as we search for peace.
I think you are both great warriors and I care about you both very much.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
Lil
Well-Known Member
I agree. And I feel badly that her post above this was deleted. If it was because you were afraid your advice would not be welcome, please don't be.
Ladies, after a good nights sleep, I think I understand. You thought my excitement over him getting the job....and allowing the car for the night...was me (us) buying in to his manipulation and thinking everything was solved.
Absolutely NOT!
#1. We have two full weeks before he starts work and a 3rd before he gets a paycheck and that means he has three full weeks before he has any cash or a car to use at will. That's a LONG time for kid who's had free rein with a car since he got his license and always had an allowance. I fully expect him to be impossible several times. I fully expect more moods, more fights and more bargaining. We have to plan in advance how to deal with this. Luckily, tomorrow is my husband's birthday and we're going to do something boring out of town. We'll come up with something. We may let him use the car a time or two. We may not. But if we do it will be on our terms and not because he had a tantrum.
#2. About the car. The car was not us giving in to manipulation. It wasn't because he's been terrible all morning and then went to his interview. I admit, that played into it. Because my son was absolutely scared spitless. He's 19 and doing something that most kids do at 16...trying to get a job on his own (sure...my fault) but not only that, an interview for an office job. It has occurred to me that I never had an interview in my life until I was about to graduate law school. I was a fast food worker, a waitress, a hostess, a retail clerk...but none were "suit and tie" office jobs. He was really, really scared. I actually thought he might blow off the interview he was in such a state. But he went. He did the interview. He did a dozen assessments, from spelling to math to computers, and he did well enough that they think they can place him.
So I see that you see it as us, "giving in", but I see it as being allowed a privilege as a reward for overcoming that fear and acting like the young adult he is. But even then, if his friend wasn't likely to be leaving town very soon, we probably wouldn't have let him. In the end, it turned into a good thing. He didn't drink. (Which actually isn't that much of a victory, he's said he doesn't care for alcohol much - why do something that gives you a hangover when there's pot?) But the point is, he finally (hopefully it lasts) understands his friend needs help...but it can't come from him.
#3 drugs. It's an issue. I don't think he has a problem with hard drugs. I do think he has a problem with pot or it's synthetic equivalent. I'm not sure what to do about that other than insist that it not be in our home. Right now he has no (or very little when his friend pays him for the computer) money. But I'm not stupid or in denial there. He's going to do it. I'm not sure how to handle that when he's out of the house. He knows - and we'll stick to it - that if he ever gets arrested we will NOT bail him out and if he's caught driving impaired he will lost that car forever. We do not approve. We won't ever approve. If we lived in Colorado and he was over 21...we still wouldn't approve. But we live in Missouri and that makes it worse.
My friend I had lunch with, who has a drug-addicted, bi-polar daughter (and a easy child daughter too) read the email I posted on here. Her very words were that they sounded just like her difficult child. She said, "I've had so many emails and calls like this, even before the drugs." I am very concerned about my son's moods. He's always been the most "dramatic" person. Either things were perfect or they were terrible. Those two extremes were punctuated by periods of "normal". It never seemed severe enough for us to be too concerned until the pot-smoking started. After a while I began to suspect he self-medicates, makes himself feel better. I still suspect that. He's not "disabled" - he's not a person who couldn't work - but I do think he needs therapy if not medication. I'm greatly worried about that.
Forgive me, I don't remember who said this:
They do. They definitely do. It's hard to deal with a person, especially your child (he may be legally adult, but he's still my child - I gave birth to him - he'll always be my child...even if he isn't A child) when they are hurting or raging or angry and no have that affect your mood. I think I've gotten much better. I used to shout right back. Now I just make him leave if he gets loud and stay calm when he's down. But sure it has an effect.
So ladies, this long ramble is basically to say, I don't think this is all fixed. I had one good day. I gave him one privilege for one afternoon. I think things will be better for awhile, because the job interview is done and that is one less stress for him. But he's got a lot more problems and we still need to deal with those. I don't think throwing him out is appropriate - yet. There are several lines that, if he crosses them, it will be. But he hasn't. This weekend we intend to sit down with him, while he's in a "normal" mood and try to talk to him. We'll see.
Hi Lil, I want to apologize. No one is qualified to diagnose anyone over the internet and that's kind of what I tried to do last night. Reading my post from last night shaking my head and going back to unplugging my keyboard when go for a second glass of wine. I do apologize I was completely out of line.
I did notice with the car and money thing a lot of similarities to when one of my girls gets into "mission mode"; it's like they decide what they want and how to get me to give it to them - then when I don't fall into the trap they set they start using all kinds of bait and manipulation tactics to try to get me to cave.
The only one of my kids who drives is the 29yo and he didn't get his license until he was 18yo, working to pay driving school & buy his own vehicle. That's just my thing I can't get them to clean their room I refuse to be responsible for them out in a car, also I usually drive vehicles that are fragile (old final stages of life) and one stomp on the brakes could be looking at a $500 repair.
I was raised to be a spoiled brat, everything I wanted or needed handed to me usually before I even knew I wanted it. 16yo handed keys to new car to drive, get mad, smash it so they give me a brand new New Yorker (loaner) to drive while it got fixed.
Spending money enough to have quite the drug habit going by the time I was 14yo. I swore my kids even if I were a billionaire who could give them a car would work to earn every penny of their auto insurance or they wouldn't be driving. Any person with money to buy drugs can afford to pay rent.
The fact is I'm not a billionaire LOL last week of the month can barely afford a bottle of milk. It's because I threw my career to the wind many years ago to be the full time mom my kids needed at the time, and another dream job like the one I quit hasn't presented itself. Yes things to pay the rent & bills come along but nothing anywhere like what I had.
I didn't have a choice the stress was killing me; sitting at work 3rd light on the phone would light up and I knew it was the school with a "she bit the teacher, flipped the principal, we think she is still in the building but we can't find her GET HERE NOW!" call. And the guilt became a factor at work felt like not giving kids attention they needed, while dealing with the kids knew my job wasn't getting done at work - it was like constantly feeling like the rope in a game of tug o war.
I can see where all those distractions at work would make concentrating on your job very difficult. I had to laugh when said not to call unless need hospital, house is on fire or had good news like he got a job. My thought was if need a hospital call an ambulance, if house is on fire call fire department then me (so I don't have stroke when pull in driveway and see charred sundeck where my kitchen use to be) and the good news like "I got a job" can wait till I get home it will be something nice to talk about at dinner.
That's just me I'm an all or nothing gal, any job I accept whether volunteer or paid deserves to be done to the best of my ability and I can't do that if my head is somewhere else. Again I apologize my impaired posting snafu last night, wanted to say glad to meet you and send a hug and some positive energy your way.
Nancy
I did notice with the car and money thing a lot of similarities to when one of my girls gets into "mission mode"; it's like they decide what they want and how to get me to give it to them - then when I don't fall into the trap they set they start using all kinds of bait and manipulation tactics to try to get me to cave.
The only one of my kids who drives is the 29yo and he didn't get his license until he was 18yo, working to pay driving school & buy his own vehicle. That's just my thing I can't get them to clean their room I refuse to be responsible for them out in a car, also I usually drive vehicles that are fragile (old final stages of life) and one stomp on the brakes could be looking at a $500 repair.
I was raised to be a spoiled brat, everything I wanted or needed handed to me usually before I even knew I wanted it. 16yo handed keys to new car to drive, get mad, smash it so they give me a brand new New Yorker (loaner) to drive while it got fixed.
Spending money enough to have quite the drug habit going by the time I was 14yo. I swore my kids even if I were a billionaire who could give them a car would work to earn every penny of their auto insurance or they wouldn't be driving. Any person with money to buy drugs can afford to pay rent.
The fact is I'm not a billionaire LOL last week of the month can barely afford a bottle of milk. It's because I threw my career to the wind many years ago to be the full time mom my kids needed at the time, and another dream job like the one I quit hasn't presented itself. Yes things to pay the rent & bills come along but nothing anywhere like what I had.
I didn't have a choice the stress was killing me; sitting at work 3rd light on the phone would light up and I knew it was the school with a "she bit the teacher, flipped the principal, we think she is still in the building but we can't find her GET HERE NOW!" call. And the guilt became a factor at work felt like not giving kids attention they needed, while dealing with the kids knew my job wasn't getting done at work - it was like constantly feeling like the rope in a game of tug o war.
I can see where all those distractions at work would make concentrating on your job very difficult. I had to laugh when said not to call unless need hospital, house is on fire or had good news like he got a job. My thought was if need a hospital call an ambulance, if house is on fire call fire department then me (so I don't have stroke when pull in driveway and see charred sundeck where my kitchen use to be) and the good news like "I got a job" can wait till I get home it will be something nice to talk about at dinner.
That's just me I'm an all or nothing gal, any job I accept whether volunteer or paid deserves to be done to the best of my ability and I can't do that if my head is somewhere else. Again I apologize my impaired posting snafu last night, wanted to say glad to meet you and send a hug and some positive energy your way.
Nancy
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I deleted my own post. Don't feel bad....lol.
I feel that I can not really help you right now, but I am holding your hand with love. Hope things change and get better
I feel that I can not really help you right now, but I am holding your hand with love. Hope things change and get better
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Lil
Well-Known Member
Nancy, there was absolutely NO reason to apologize. I don't think you were at all out of line...a little confusing perhaps. LOL But I've been concerned about some sort of mood disorder/bipolar for some time.
I knew you deleted your own post.
I just don't want you to think I don't appreciate your input. I agree that you probably can't really help right now. I think you and I are on different wavelengths. It's kind of like we're looking at a nasty cut and I see a staph infection that needs antibiotics while you see gangrene that needs amputation. Please know, I'm not discounting your diagnosis and will be keeping a closer watch on that infection because of it, just to make sure.but I am holding your hand with love. Hope things change and get better
I really can't begin tell you how much that means to me!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lil, one last thing. Even if it's bipolar or another mood disorder, the only way he can fix it is to listen to a psychiatrist, take his medication, not drink and not do drugs. If he doesn't want to comply, and he has bipolar, he will stay as he is. Therapy is helpful too, especially cognitive therapy. This assumes he is clean.
I don't have an opinion on what he has other than I think it is complicated and drugs could be part of it.
Love to you
I don't have an opinion on what he has other than I think it is complicated and drugs could be part of it.
Love to you
Lil
Well-Known Member
I absolutely understand that. I also know he has to want things to change. If he doesn't, I can't force it. I hope that happens. Even if it isn't a medical problem, therapy would do him a world of good if he wants it to. Thank you again.
