Never disinherit your kid

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I wasn't thinking in terms of a policy that had a cash value at the end of it - rather, a simple insurance policy that paid the face value of the insurance.
Good Morning.

If it is a term policy, Insane, it will end at a certain point, and has no value. How would you anticipate the lifespan of both Seeking and her husband? Even using actuarial tables? If one lived one day beyond the term, it would have no value what so ever.
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
Yes. and I'll get to the point, if I live long enough, that I won't be able to afford my little insurance policy. That last one I bought was quite expensive as I was in my fifties. Add in the bipolar and the suicide risk, and the diabetes and all that that could entail, and some companies won't even insure me.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Ok. I'm not an insurance agent. And we haven't dealt with even a simple policy for years now - just a renewal.

There are at least three different kinds of policies. And I don't know the technical terms. But one type is "term" - and no, that isn't what would be wanted in the case I described.

But there is more than one type of "whole life" policy. Some are intended to have a cash/investment value beyond the insurance pay-out. Some are intended that the cash/investment value IS the payout. And some are only intended to pay out the insurance pay-out value. It's that last type that I was referring to.

Of course, the industry may have changed significantly in the last 10+ years...
 

SeekingStrength

Well-Known Member
Thanks, InsaneCdn, and all of you for your help. husband and I appreciate it, especially realizing I jumped right into the middle of a discussion.

So glad I found CD a few years ago. You help center me, give me different ideas, make me laugh....and help husband and me waddle through.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I haven't seen him in ten years. I should have said don't disinterest any loving children, even if they disappoint you. I consider this different...if a child doesn't say hi to you for ten years, is this still one of your kids? I'm sure there could be another discussion on this, but in my mind he is no longer my kid. He never even so much as sent a card when I had my horrible car accident. I have never been allowed to see his children. He has dumped all of his siblings. Under these circumstances, I feel it's different. It won't hurt him. Plus he has a lot of money. If we had contact I'd certainly include him. It was not my decision, but his. He needs to be a son while I am alive for me to consider him one. That's my take on it. So, no, I am not leaving a dime to somebody who rejected me and the rest of my family.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I did talk to my mother, Cop a. I called her and sent her loving cards and told her I loved her. She didn't love me back, but I tried. I'm almost sorry I was so foolish. Even so I wasn't surprised that she disinherited me, but it still hurt.

You don't know Gone boy. He won't be hurt. He can have my love now. I am here. But ten years of estrangement is not what children do. Seriously, I tried it all to reconcile, I'm over it now and I am done. In my mind, he is not my son and probably never felt he was. Heck, he has his birth mother and her family on his Facebook. That was his first mother and, in his mind, his only mother.

I'm so sure he is not my son, except legally, that if I had one child only who disregarded me like he did, I'd donate the will to the humane society. You don't know the whole story (sigh). I never posted it here. I have posted it on estranged parent sites and it tires me out.

If he wants to be my son, he knows where I am, but I'm sure I will never see him again or ever know his kids. His oldest is eight.

I guess I should have clarified that if your adult child disowned you, I feel it's ok to leave them out of your will because they won't be hurt.

Or maybe I'm a hypocrite for writing this thread at all, but large blocks of time go by now when I forget about Gone boy. I wasn't thinking about him when I wrote this. It wasn't easy to grieve him and get here, but here I am. I actually rarely think of him anymore.

To me, a family is who loves you and who you love back, not due to DNA or adoption. I don't agree with the usual definition of the word. Was my mother my must their? She gave birth to me, but I don't feel like she cared about me...so it all depends on ones definition. My grandmother and my mother in law were more a mother to me than she ever was to me. It gets old being disowned, I can tell you.

back to the thread. So...if you throw Gone Boy into the equation, this thread is a fraud because he to me, and in every important way, he is a stranger to me. I loved the child he was and himself up until he met his wife and disappeared. And cut Princess, Sonic, Jumper and Bart out too. Now I can't love him...how can I love somebody I don't know? What is a son? What does a son act like? He is a don on legal paper only, not in deed, and he knows I didn't want it this way. He knew.

The horrible lies he told his wife about me got her on board. That's for another day.

I am done with him. Enough abuse. Of myself, my husband and my kids who act like my kids.

This is very emotional to me and I rarely go into detail here as there are more appropriate forums. Unless this happens to somebody...a grown kid totally disappears...it is hard for the other person to understand. I can't even totally share it here because although many people are unhappy with their kids, they have a relationship with them. I would not leave a child out of my will that I had any relationship with. But l..

I'm done. I am no longer feeling the pain. And there is no relationship. None. Honestly.
 
Last edited:

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks to whoever validated my last post with icons. I keep reading my answer and it brings back sad memories, but it also reminds me of how he does not act like a son. My other kids are so different, happy cheerful, caring of me and I am allowed to love them back and Bart actually wants me to visit St. Louis for my grandson and I have total access to my sweet grand daughter.

It is abusive to cut off somebody who loves you, especially from the kids. Sadly, from my estranged sites I read, the biggest catalyst in doing this seems to be a sudden new honey that the estranged child is so smitten with that he is willing to dump his entire family and really believe that the family deserves it, but like me, the estranged child often never even gives an explanation about why. Often the new honey either cut off her own parents or wants her own family to have total access to them and the grandchildren with no in laws around. Often it's a boy who meets a conniving girl, but it can go both ways.

Parents freak out and send emails, letters or even go to their homes or work to be sent harassment warrants and to even end up in jail. Yes, it gets that bad. I tried everything except going to the house. If he didn't call the police, his wife would have. Some kids respond with hate to emails, some not at all. A list of what you did and how you need to behave, usually abusive, is handed to some mothers. I got one. I threw it away. That was when I realized I don't know this man. Time to move on. I did. He can't hurt me anymore. But ill be damned if I'll be a fool again and include him in my will. He'd laugh at me for the gesture and my kids would feel betrayed, as they are always here. And he dumped them too, betraying us all.

Such an unpleasant topic, but it happens a lot now and society now encourages it. It is on the rise globally.

Sorry. I know this site is not about this horrific issue, but I am defending myself here about the will and my husband, who is also very done with Gone boy, is on board with me. To be a son to me, which is what matters in this, is to be present and available for Mom and even sometimes be kind. I don't care at all about DNA or the past and my ancestry. Unlike many people, I feel my identity is tied to the people who love me, DNA, adopted or nothing legal. My person, who I am, is not because of dead Aunt Clara and her life and times, but to those who raised me and those who have knowingly stayed with me. M.y people are a few DNA people and many more who don't share it.

Hint: if the child you raised grew up to be a man who would let you starve, he is a son in name only and I feel it's fine to leave someone like that out of your will.

I feel better now. It actually is edging up to eleven years of silence and I would have mixed feelings and have to give it a lot of thought to let him back even if he did come back, but by word and deed, I know he won't. And it's best he does not. It would never be the same. Most kids who estranged their caring parents are empathy challenged and reconciliation rarely work, at least that is what I see on those boards. Many parents like me decide never to risk our hearts to them again. My don is almost 40. He is not a kid. This started when he was not a kid. He knows right from wrong.

I don't let others abuse me. Sometimes you need to say good bye, even to a child you love or once loved. It can be self defense as it was for me.

Sorry for the extra vent.
 
Last edited:

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
the biggest catalyst in doing this seems to be a sudden new honey that the estranged child is so smitten with that he is willing to dump his entire family
My sister's 3rd husband married her when he was already a senior citizen. After a honeymoon period, apparently (my sister does not talk to me) my sister would not allow her mother in law in her house. Why doesn't L like me, the poor woman asked my mother.
Often the new honey either cut off her own parents
My mother by that time was also shunned by my sister. And I was too.

Where I differ is that I do not believe there are conditions for my son to be my son. I cannot imagine a time or an event that would give rise to my deciding I did not love him, even if he did not ever again love me. That said, I cannot imagine a worse thing than his not loving me, or wanting to see me, except for his dying in my lifetime. I will always love him. I will always want to protect him.

I believe that closing our heart to our children kills us. It is not that they deserve love or not, deserve an inheritance or not, it is what it does to a mother when she closes off her heart to a child. That is what I think.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Cop a, thanks for your thoughts. If you had not seen or spoken to your son for over ten years and knew he wanted nothing to do with you and did not introduce you to his own children, the love could dim. Not one person knows how they would feel before it happens.

Many estranged parents just move on. We have no choice. It is hard to love a memory of somebody who is alive but loathes you too much to even call you if you are grievously ill. In my case, I have many other kids whom he has also hurt. I do love the child and young man I knew, but I don't kn o w this middle age man. Who is he???

I have no conditions on loving anyone, but shockingly I have found that love itself can disappear if the person us gone and clearly isn't coming back.I guess after a time, the person sort of dies in your heart or you die figuratively. I refuse. In the end, I can't control him. I can turn my attention to myself and love myself enough to let go forever and to place my love in loving hands.

It is hard to explain to those who haven't gone through it, but a common feeling on the estranged boards is exactly this. Eventually...five, seven, ten years of estrangement later, we have rebuilt our lives without them. It is hard for anyone who has never been there to understand or to imagine. It's the old saying, "you had to be there."

Also, he didn't just hurt me. Many times these types of adult kids "divorce" the entire family. I am protective of my kids he hurt. They did nothing to him. They were collateral damage. At any rate, he burned his bridges with all of them. Princess was close to him and he dumped herbivores hot potato. Once in a blue moon they run into one another shopping and exchangevawkward words, but Princess has no use for him and he is aloof and unfriendly to her. It is hi and good bye.

After a while, if somebody is gone with irrational anger toward you your constant recent memory (not just words but deeds) you move on. In my case, I am blessed with many loved ones. I see and talk to them all the time. I choose not to be a wounded victim. That would be letting myself and my other loved ones down. I do think it's harder if you only have had one kid but many estranged parents have their only children or all of their children divorce them and eventually they too get tired of the games and abuse and move on
I say gently that you do not know this dynamic so it's impossible to judge it. I felt like you once, even five years ago and certainl ybefore it happened I felt that way. I also never dreamed it could happen and did not see it coming.

At any rate, I let time take its course rand immersed myself in my life and that of the family and friends who do love me and want me around. I am very much at peace now. I don't do abuse or estrangement and allow others to destroy me. Not happening.

Please don't judge what you don't understand. I don't think it will, but it can happen to anyone. In my case, my son acted normal almost up until the cut off. There was no warning. Sometimes it is like that.

This is painful to me so if you wish to comment further please first read at least twenty stories on an estrangement sight. I likeb"Daiky Strength Estrange Parents if Adult Children." That will give you more of a feel for the incredible abuse such adult kids heap on us just for loving them. Until then, I feel I explained this enough. I don't wish to explain it more to people who have not yet gone through it. I did love him dearly and tried to fix whatever it was....but nobody is worth ones own life.

One person does not a relationship make. It could never be the same between us even if he wanted to come back. I don't trust him and he is still with devil wife, as I call her. No, I never called her that,was always nice to her the few times until met her.

I often wake in the middle of night and enjoy the solitude, but don't keyboard the best when I'm tired. Please excuse any of my tablets letters. Thanks.

This is not killing me. To not face the truth would kill me. One can not protect somebody if the police would be called on us for going to see them AND if we don't know what they are even doing. They block Facebook, our numbers usually. We are not able to do anything. Do read other stories. Estrangement is not out faults. We don't choose it.

Ok, have a stupendous day!!!
 
Last edited:

radams

Mother Who Has Given Up
Right now my daughter is not included in my will, although my son and my husband's stepson are.

My daughter has made it a point to block me at every turn from seeing my granddaughters, and she herself hasn't spoken to me for over three years.

She's making a good living as a nurse manager so I don't worry that she won't have money when she retires. I might consider leaving her share to her daughters.

Unless there are big changes, I don't feel good about leaving her anything.
 

radams

Mother Who Has Given Up
I have decided (maybe not permanently, but for right now at least) that if I survive my husband, I am going to leave any money I have left after my estate is settled to Planned Parenthood, specifically to abortion services.
 

seek

Member
I personally don't believe it is morally right for a child to treat you disrespectfully and/or be an alcoholic/addict and expect to be rewarded for it. To me, it's a consequence of being a "good enough" kid, or not.

Also, leaving money to alcoholic/addicts is not good for them - not to mention that hard earned money will be used for ill . . . it's a moral issue to me.
 

Lordenee

New Member
Thanks to whoever validated my last post with icons. I keep reading my answer and it brings back sad memories, but it also reminds me of how he does not act like a son. My other kids are so different, happy cheerful, caring of me and I am allowed to love them back and Bart actually wants me to visit St. Louis for my grandson and I have total access to my sweet grand daughter.

It is abusive to cut off somebody who loves you, especially from the kids. Sadly, from my estranged sites I read, the biggest catalyst in doing this seems to be a sudden new honey that the estranged child is so smitten with that he is willing to dump his entire family and really believe that the family deserves it, but like me, the estranged child often never even gives an explanation about why. Often the new honey either cut off her own parents or wants her own family to have total access to them and the grandchildren with no in laws around. Often it's a boy who meets a conniving girl, but it can go both ways.

Parents freak out and send emails, letters or even go to their homes or work to be sent harassment warrants and to even end up in jail. Yes, it gets that bad. I tried everything except going to the house. If he didn't call the police, his wife would have. Some kids respond with hate to emails, some not at all. A list of what you did and how you need to behave, usually abusive, is handed to some mothers. I got one. I threw it away. That was when I realized I don't know this man. Time to move on. I did. He can't hurt me anymore. But ill be damned if I'll be a fool again and include him in my will. He'd laugh at me for the gesture and my kids would feel betrayed, as they are always here. And he dumped them too, betraying us all.

Such an unpleasant topic, but it happens a lot now and society now encourages it. It is on the rise globally.

Sorry. I know this site is not about this horrific issue, but I am defending myself here about the will and my husband, who is also very done with Gone boy, is on board with me. To be a son to me, which is what matters in this, is to be present and available for Mom and even sometimes be kind. I don't care at all about DNA or the past and my ancestry. Unlike many people, I feel my identity is tied to the people who love me, DNA, adopted or nothing legal. My person, who I am, is not because of dead Aunt Clara and her life and times, but to those who raised me and those who have knowingly stayed with me. M.y people are a few DNA people and many more who don't share it.

Hint: if the child you raised grew up to be a man who would let you starve, he is a son in name only and I feel it's fine to leave someone like that out of your will.

I feel better now. It actually is edging up to eleven years of silence and I would have mixed feelings and have to give it a lot of thought to let him back even if he did come back, but by word and deed, I know he won't. And it's best he does not. It would never be the same. Most kids who estranged their caring parents are empathy challenged and reconciliation rarely work, at least that is what I see on those boards. Many parents like me decide never to risk our hearts to them again. My don is almost 40. He is not a kid. This started when he was not a kid. He knows right from wrong.

I don't let others abuse me. Sometimes you need to say good bye, even to a child you love or once loved. It can be self defense as it was for me.

Sorry for the extra vent.
 

Lordenee

New Member
Hi Out There,
You have written my life story 6 times over, My brother, my brother -in-law & now my 36 yr. old daughter "R". My son died at birth a gynaecologists mistake he would have been 38 yrs. A week later my father committed suicide he was terminal. With my adoring, loving, caring, cant live without me 34 yr. old other daughter "D", I have had the drug, alcohol, syndrome. I wonder how much one can take in one life time. No one has been raped, murdered, or jailed, something to be grateful for.
On the positive side my 36 yr old daughter "R" who is beautiful, funny, has an infectious personality everyone loves her, she is very thoughtful brings me unexpected gifts, phones me, Skye's me, has just put money into my account when she knows I am broke. Has just graduated with a Science Honours Degree in Zoology & Sustainably from the Cook University in Cairns. I / we are super proud of her. During her studied she found, what was thought to be an extinct bird, some where near Melbourne, & has be asked to do a conference down there.
Daughter no2 "D" has turned her life around, got rid of the psychopathic partner of 12 yrs who destroyed her, 2 yrs ago. Now she has been home again for 2 yrs. Happy , Prospering, back with her old friends from school days, they all call me mum a bit like an extended family, she is a different person.
She is now half way through a Criminology & Law Degree. So proud of her too, she gets good marks & loves it.
She is beautiful, smart, funny, loves people, very very good to me. we are so close more like friends than mother & daughter, yes we fight, but are over it by the time we turn around. She tells me everything in great detail, some times I say, I'm your mother do I really need to know that. haha
My brother, Hasn't spoken to any of the family in 3yrs. Since my mother died 3yrs ago at age 90 yrs. She was in a nursing home. He through a tantrum over her possessions, while she was still in her bed, then refused to help us with the arrangements, & refused to go to her funeral. He did turn up to the funeral with his evil, nasty, trouble making wife. She had not seen or spoken to my mum in 15 yrs. For no reason that we know of. We the rest of the family where horrified at her presence. My sister phoned him the next day & told him his fortune. I stayed in contact with him until the settlement went through. We had arranged to do mums ashes the day of settlement, as he lived in NWS, & my sister on the Sunshine Coast. He did not turn up as arranged, the solicitor informed us he had made a special trip up the day before to sign for his money.
We have not seen or heard from him since. "Grab the MONY & Run"
My dear old mum was very smart, she wrote a list in her own had writing, on a note pad that she would write reminders on to ask me to do or shopping etc.
The list was who was to get what when she was gone. we thought she had a book that's what my dear brother was looking for but could not find.
OH! buy the way I Loved my mother dearly she was my best friend & confidante
I lived 5 mins away, saw her every week, called her, I was at her beck & call 24/7 for 4 1/2 yrs. I was the only one here to help her with anything she needed. doctors, Dentist, any other appointments, her finances etc.
That brings me to my brother in-law, we have never had a good relationship, he has this thing, woman who don't have a husband don't have a brain either. I have been divorced 29 yrs, still single, built a beautiful home, & raised 2 kids 3 & 5 at the time by my self with the help of my mother, & also worked. He had a lot of resent toward me. Well you know what's coming now. He questioned my honesty in looking after mums finance's. Which didn't go down very well at all. I said to my sister, all the paper work is in the file up there, knock your self out.
My purpose in this long history does have a purpose & a Goal.

My darling Mother always said I have 3 children I love, have always treated equally, & expect to have my family around in my last years. My bother let her done badly when she went into the home. My sister was marvellous, & was a great strength to me. MY mum would have been horrified, beyond consoling, if she knew what my brother has done. What would you do ?? would my mother have disinherited him. ?? Probably not should my sister & I have Contested the will ?? BOTTOM LINE Mums will was what SHE WANTED. & what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. Her possessions were distributed to the latter. I think there is a KARMA in there some where.

Let me tell you in no uncertain terms, INLAWS can make or BREAK a FAMILY.
Don't ever feel guilty for the choses your kids make with there partners. It can be cruel, devastating, especially when they turn there back on the ones who love & care about them.
Conclusion, He does not DESERVE to be in your will, He hasn't earnt the right, He hasn't contributed to your well being, He has NO CONISERATION for your Feeling or love for him. DISINHERIT HIM with no guilt.

Which brings me to my dilemma. Which has brought me to this site. WHAT SORT OF PERSON AM I.
On a skype call with "R" she was devastated with her break up with her fiancé of 4yrs Amanda, she confessed all her sins, during their relationship. She involved "D" & me in a scandalise unforgivable Lie, that was devastating to us.
''R '' believed her because Amanda had truthfully confessed. When I challenged her about the lie, she shut me down on skype. Phoned me back immediately, & said, do not contact me ever again. That was 10 months ago. I let some weeks go by & did try to contact her many times but she does not respond to any thing. Her father has just been up to see her in Cairns, he told me she had an email she wrote to me but would not send it, with gentle persuasion on his part she did send it to me got it last Saturday night.
The first 2 lines put me into a rage of anger, my blood pressure went of the ricketier scale & I had a chronic anxiety attack. Apparently I am a narcissistic mother, & the sisters are narcissistic siblings. She sent the links to these pages. Which I have researched, & found this page to disinherit you adult child.
I don't think I would feel the same way about her again. I know it is early days, but I have learnt from my history, not to make the same mistakes again. She has told me she doesn't want my beautiful home, & "D" wont amount to anything to buy her out. "D" loves her home, & doesn't wont it sold.
Go figure these kids of today. I would have no hesitation in disinheriting her at this point. What would you do ???
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I meant not to disinherit kids who try to be in your life in a positive way. I just did my will and disherited a son i adopted at age six. He has not spoken to me for fifteen years and I never met his kids. I dont know why he did this, but he has not acted like a son. He probably wont know when I pass but I am not taking any chances. I am sorry. I did not make myself clear.
 
Top