The truth comes out...maybe

[Nancy]

Even if you know somebody who sees your son in court, big whoppin' deal.

Spot on MWM. My husband walked into court with our difficult child head held high just like he did with every other client. No magistrate or judge ever blinked an eye when they realized they were related.

 

[Kathy813]

The post about difficult children worrying that others will take their stuff reminded me of a conversation I had with my difficult child the last time we saw her. She complained that her roommate had taken her xanax. She said, "M is a raging alcoholic, a pathological liar, and a thief. How am I supposed to live with someone like that?"

Pot . . . meet kettle.

~Kathy

 

[Tanya M]

I honestly do not remember how many times I went to court to support my son. I always found it so sad when the names of the kids were called, they would walk up to address the judge, the judge would ask them "are your parents here?" and most of these kids would say things like, my mom / dad is in prison, my mom don't care about me, my mom / dad is in rehab, I don't know where my mom is and I don't know who my dad is. Heartbreaking!! I'm glad I was always there to support my son with my presence. Even though he would drive me crazy and I would be so angry that I would have to take more time off from work, I wanted him to know that I was there for him, that I love him.

I do remember one particular visit to the court. My difficult child goes up before the judge, the judge asks him "are your parents here?", then the judge leans to one side, looks directly at me and says "Oh, hi Mrs. #######", yes I was a regular.

 

[Jabberwockey]

How does your son feel about his life, Lil? Is he appreciative of the things he does have? That is a major difference between difficult child daughter and difficult child son, now that I think about it. difficult child daughter has a deep and abiding sense of gratitude. Even when she cannot reach it, she reaches for it. difficult child son is angry alot, feels the world is unfair alot.

Yeah, this is our son. Its unfair for him to be judged by his looks, lack of hygiene, drug use, whatever. Funny thing is, while our son is HUGE on not being judged himself, he is one of THE MOST judgmental people I know. ALL the girls in this town are whores, ALL the guys are jock jerk wads. I've reminded him that he hasn't met everyone but he doesn't care because HE knows.

But here is the thing. Given what I now think I understand about all the multi-layered complexity of everything, it may not have made a difference what I did. I wish I could have known that one little piece, years ago. I would not have spent so many years hating and questioning and berating myself and thinking some dope with a piece of paper had an answer.

I had an offender once tell me that nothing his parents did right or wrong made ANY difference in how his life turned out. Not that their influence growing up didn't matter, but in his teens he had made his decision on how he was going to live his life and his parents experience and opinions be damned.

 

[BusynMember]

Yeah, this is our son. Its unfair for him to be judged by his looks, lack of hygiene, drug use, whatever. Funny thing is, while our son is HUGE on not being judged himself, he is one of THE MOST judgmental people I know. ALL the girls in this town are whores, ALL the guys are jock jerk wads. I've reminded him that he hasn't met everyone but he doesn't care because HE knows.

Jabber, I believe the judgment is a difficult child trait in general. OMG. Nobody judges people like my son. NOBODY. I think them not wanting to be judged, which is kind of an oxymoron because they do it, is also GFGism. It is scary how much these young men are alike. Their negative personality traits, all put together, is probably why they are never happy, never content, and don't do as well as they could in life.

Ok, I'll back off now, but that irked me and made me laugh at the same time, even though it's not funny...not conventionally funny anyway.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I think them not wanting to be judged, which is kind of an oxymoron because they do it, is also GFGism.

Just like the whole not trusting people at the shelter and not wanting to live with thieves is probably another very common GFGism as well.

Oh! And GO Green Bay!!!

 

[BusynMember]

YES!!!!!! My son would steal everyone at home blind and was great at making us doubt it. But if his stuff was missing, even if it turned out later that it was misplaced, well, somebody else must have stolen from him, although nobody else in the family ever stole. Trust me, he never said, "I'm sorry I accused you of stealing."

 

[BusynMember]

Oh! And GO Green Bay!!!

Thanks. I'm typing with my teeth clenched. In my heart, I don't believe we can beat a powerhouse like Seattle no matter how bad they are starting out. They're just so much better than we are. I mean, I don't know anyone here in GB who doesn't expect us to lose...

 

[2much2recover]

I had an offender once tell me that nothing his parents did right or wrong made ANY difference in how his life turned out. Not that their influence growing up didn't matter, but in his teens he had made his decision on how he was going to live his life and his parents experience and opinions be damned.

Very wise!

 

[Nancy]

then the judge leans to one side, looks directly at me and says "Oh, hi Mrs. #######", yes I was a regular.

LOL. And that reminds me of the first name basis I was on with many of the police in my community. One time when officers responded to my call for my unruly difficult child one of the officers was getting ready to leave and hugged me and told me he felt so bad for me. Just recently I ran into this officer responding to a call in our neighborhood. We chatted for a bit about the incident he came for and then I reminded him who I was and he said "oh I remember very well, just didn't want to embarrass you." I had to hide often when going to different activities around town so as not to encounter any of my "cop friends". It did help though that they knew we were good parents and they did work hard with our difficult child.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Nancy and Tanya, with as much as we complain about our difficult child at least we aren't recognized by the local police!

MWM, stay positive! So far so good!

 

[BusynMember]

The cops knew us too when Daughter was using drugs. We would wave in stores when we saw one another. We asked for their help many times, especially when Daughter would be running around town after dark. That really scared me. We had them over once to sniff her room (actually, a dog did that). Then they came uninvited too. It didn't embarass us. Maybe we just don't embarass easily...lol.

This game is giving me heart attacks all over. I don't believe we will win. We should have had two more touchdowns. I still expect us to lose. But since we're ahead...yeah, it's scary for me. I'm a real wussy fan. I'm listening, but only turning around sometimes.

This board distracts me.

 

[Lil]

YES!!!!!! My son would steal everyone at home blind and was great at making us doubt it. But if his stuff was missing, even if it turned out later that it was misplaced, well, somebody else must have stolen from him, although nobody else in the family ever stole. Trust me, he never said, "I'm sorry I accused you of stealing."

My best friend's mom once said, "Those who accuse, do." She was talking about cheaters, but I think the logic applies. They do it, so they assume everyone else does too.

My husband was so alone through so much of this. Had he not determined to try every single thing he could think of to save our marriage, I would have left it because without the kids, nothing made sense. Nothing mattered. I had failed, and the marriage turned gray to me. My husband is the one who brought it back, who somehow just kept being there whenever I could stop looking at the kids and see him.

My poor darling husband has put up with so much. My tears and my enabling and my justifications. I have not made my son better in the last two years. We should have been more proactive. I should have been stronger and stricter. But since it has gotten to the point it has, I have spent so much time dealing with it, dwelling on it. He's dealt with cranky moods and sad moods and anger that should never have been directed his way and weeping...more tears than anyone should shed.

I know Jabber will read this, so I'm going to say it for all to hear:

I love you more than any other thing in my life and I know that I act sometimes like I'm the only one hurt by all this. I'm sorry for that. If I get too wrapped up in my own hurt and pain and ignore you...Don't let me! Don't let me ignore you and how you feel. Please know that I don't do it on purpose. Because I know deep down that we can't fix what's wrong with our son, though sometimes I still need to try, and it's important that we don't let US get broken in the process. Hold on to me when I'm slipping...I'd be lost without you.


*****

We've had a relatively quiet week since the bomb dropped Monday. A few texts...mostly initiated by me, telling him to try the PD...but since he hasn't told me they won't do it because it's municipal, I guess he hasn't. He texted this morning, asking what time it was because his phone was wrong...that was it. It's been nice. Him living his life and us living ours....like we should be. (Knock On Wood!) It won't last, but it's been nice. Tomorrow we plan to go to visit with the folks in the medieval reenactment group we used to be active in. Today is relax and maybe do some laundry and grocery shopping.

It feels good to push all this to the background.

(KNOCK REALLY HARD ON WOOD!)

 

[Lil]

Wow. Why did I say that? Phone rang as I hit "send". Jeeze.

 

[Tanya M]

Lil, I too have an amazing husband who put up with so much. I can tell you all that we went through with my (our) son made our marriage stronger. That is one good thing that came out of all the pain and suffering we endured.

 

[2much2recover]

Phone rang as I hit "send". Jeeze.

It's as if somehow when they know you are OK and well, we can't have that

 

[Jabberwockey]

Lil said: ↑
Phone rang as I hit "send". Jeeze.
It's as if somehow when they know you are OK and well, we can't have that

Oh, no 2m2r! That would be entirely too easy! He only calls when he wants something. This time it was a ride to Wal-Mart (yes, that place where he got arrested!) so he and his partner in crime can pick up $20 that his partners mom supposedly sent to him.

I said let him find his own way but that I wouldnt be upset if she took him. Since she was going there to pick up a few things anyway she is taking them but will drop them off then go back to get what we need, that way she can wait in the car and they...well shouldnt if not cant....cant ask her to buy something for them.

 

[BusynMember]

What would we lucky wives, with wonderful husbands, do without them? In the end, even our easy child kids leave and we just have one another.

 

[Nancy]

Because I know deep down that we can't fix what's wrong with our son, though sometimes I still need to try, and it's important that we don't let US get broken in the process.

I had said to my husband many times during the worst times "I can't sit by and do nothing, I have to do SOMETHING"

And you are so right not to let the two of you get lost in all the chaos. I was so worried than when this was all over there would be nothing left of us, that there would be so many resentments and hurts that couldn't be overcome. I was wrong....we were stronger than that and you will be too.

GB should have gone for those touchdowns instead of field goals.

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, until the head coach, the defensive coach and the special teams coach are all gone, we will never see a Super Bowl again. Having Bostick (a third string player) in there when Seattle did an onside kick was asinine and made no sense. That is on the idiot Special Teams coach. McCarthy was the one, of course, who decided to do field goals instead of going for it on fourth down and my husband, who is glued to a Packers board, said all his chatmates were angry.

Now Seattle won the toss and gets to win in overtime after they really didn't play that well. It's been a very weird play offs. The games have all been so odd. I predict the Patriots will beat anyone they play though. Brady wants it really badly and he can still do it. I don't like him or the Patriots, but I have to admit Tom Brady is very handsome so he's nice to look at