It is hard when we reach out to help and end up walking on eggshells. I think this is the piece where things are so screwy. The angst and frustration. It rebounds off each other. Wound up tight. For your son and my two I think it is partly from the needing help, to coming home because it represents failure to launch. I think some kids just don't know how and it just boils inside of them, like a nuclear meltdown. They come home and feel better, but hate it at the same time. Then there is this inability to move. I was like that over the holidays, just numb and paralyzed over this whole conundrum with my two. Just feeling stuck and going through the motions when I had to.
I can understand how your son feels, trying, then girlfriend flakes, he has this 30 year old man-friend who is mooching off of him (but he is loyal to......ugh) then this fire. It is a pile of
. Yes, a lot brought on by his own choices, but he is young, has issues (don't we all, some more than others) and well,
they just don't think like we do.
So here he is in your home and everyone is walking the eggshell walk. I get it Jab, the same for me, wouldn't be comfortable after being violated by my child. I would want to go around checking things and would lock my wallet in the car. It sucks big time not being able to trust. I have my Hoku back home and don't have any issue with leaving things around.
I
forgot how that feels.
So how in the heck do you so this?
Pick your battles VERY carefully. And let the rest go.
This struck a chord with me. Yes, choose your battles.
I am thinking of a conversation I had with a friend who is a health aide. We are finding out that our Principals think much alike when it comes to our evaluations. We have compared notes, and while we both go beyond the duties of our jobs, our evaluations are always "meets expectations". The boss says "I would mark
exceeds, but then I would have to write a report explaining why......"
My friend and I talked about it and jokingly said that sheesh, if we keep getting meets, why not just do our job, no extras? Why not just work according to how we are being evaluated?
I bring this up because of Lil's comments that your son keeps remarking how you guys think he is broken.
When you speak to him make it all positive and about how you know he can do this. Give him an
exceeds, with your words. Even if you are used to thinking otherwise. I am remembering the Viktor Frankl Ted Talk......where he stated.......
"So we have to be idealist in a way because then we wind up at the true, the real ‘is’ and you know who has said this? “If we take man as he is, we make him worse, but if we take man as he should be we make him capable of becoming what he can be.” This was not my flight instructor, this was not me, this was Goethe.
He said this verbally. And now you will understand why I in one of my writings once said . . . this is the most apt maxim and motto for any psychotherapeutic activity. So if you don’t recognise a young man’s will to meaning, man’s search for meaning, you make him worse, you make him dull, you make him frustrated, you still add and contribute to his frustration.
While, if you presuppose in this man . . . if in this so-called criminal or juvenile delinquent or drug abuser, and so forth . . . there must be . . . a what do you call it? A spark . . . a spark of search for meaning. Let’s recognize this . . . Let’s presuppose it, and then you will elicit it from him, and you will make him become what he in principle is capable of becoming."
The intent on our part is for him to say, "I have 3 to 4 weeks, so I better get moving so I'm ready."
So that is what you project in the least words possible. It is an expectation, and an affirmation that he is capable,
he is not broken.
Unfortunately, it's more likely that our son's attitude will be, "I can't find work and be ready in 3 to 4 weeks, so I may as well not even try."
If that is his attitude, then there are consequences......hard, but you can bring a horse to water, can't make him drink. This is what
you don't want, but he has to not want it for himself.......that is how we all learn, consequences. The earlier on, the better.
I was thinking too, that if he starts to raise his voice or get angry, assume the yoga teacher voice. Don't get dragged into his tantrum.
Or, just end the conversation. It may be good just to keep it real short anyways. If he is anything like my two, they are not open to suggestions.
I say yoga teacher voice, that's what I have to do now with Hubs. He is super agitated and an ornery bear, so I have to create the bubble, not take it personally and put on the yoga voice. It is hard to argue with a calm voiced person. Kind of flat effect. I have to choose my battles with him, too, and walk on eggshells. He is kind of like a sulking two year old, at this point, poor guy.
I am assuming that your son is like my two, when they do not like how the conversation is going they get antsy and moody. It is hard not to get sucked up into that and have it escalate.
Stay calm, and carry on. You have control over yourself, not anyone else. Take a deep breath.
How can anyone argue with a yoga voiced person?
(((HUGS)))
leafy
Well good for you. I make messes all the time. You clean it up and go on about your day. 
I'd rather have him not speak to me at all than be shouted and sworn at by someone who's freaking out over spilled cheese.
