It never rains but it pours.

[Zone Defense]

Oh my. I just read this thread from the beginning. I hope and pray that you Lil, Jabber, and your son can come out of this experience well, that your son finds his inner strength to push himself forward and spring board from your loving compassion to a productive and successful road.

I applaud you Lil and Jabber for supporting each other so well. Difficult children can definitely be straining on your relationship.

Parenting my easy adult child has been a very weird transition for me. I'm sure it would be even more so if he weren't the easy one.

Hang in there! You are wonderful parents.

 

[Lil]

I just read my last response and I do regret it. @Albatross and @SomewhereOutThere, you especially were trying to be helpful and I was harsh and rather rude. I am sorry.

I just can't make an issue with him out of something that may or may not be one yet. I can only take so much and right now my concentration is just surviving the next three or so weeks, him getting a job, and him getting back out - hopefully without us having to put him out.

I hope you understand. I understand your concerns - I share them - I just can not deal with that issue on top of the others right now, especially when it doesn't yet appear to be a "problem".

@pasajes4 - I'm so very sorry for your stress and dread. I wish there was something anyone could do about it.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I do get it. The outbursts and hanging on are stress enough for now. I'm so sorry.

 

[Lil]

Day 3 - still no job hunting.

He says he feels unwell. Maybe he really does. He's been clearing his throat and coughing and such since he got there and spraying it with Chloraseptic. He's also had some "digestive" issues...but that's because he has no fiber in his diet. He called me at 9 and sounded pretty hoarse and clogged. I told him to look for Dayquil.

I am willing to give a day or three before I start nagging too much. He hasn't wanted to go out at all and hang with friends either, so he may actually not feel very well. Still, as I said to Jabber last night, unless the interview is for American Idol, a sore throat doesn't matter that much.

The temp agency he was supposed to go to today is probably really not for him anyway, they seem to have a lot of rules and are mostly clerical as best I can tell, though I'm sure they do some manufacturing stuff too. Shift work raises the transportation issue.

But, still, if he doesn't start doing something pretty soon, it'll be time for another "discussion".

 

[RN0441]

Lil my son started out as a busboy. He didn't like being a "peasant and cleaning up after other people". He said that as a joke but as of yesterday he now is a food runner and will be learning the menu so he can become a server.

He has SEVERE social anxiety so this is really a shocker to me. I wanted to suggest he try to move up from his "peasant" job but bit my tongue. Now he is doing it on his own = much better. Plus he has not been good with hygiene so never imagined him around food/people eating (yuc) but haven't seen him in six weeks so maybe this has improved (?).

Would that be something your son may consider? Busboy is pretty much easy I'd think for kids like ours and they can do okay with tips.

 

[Lil]

Would that be something your son may consider? Busboy is pretty much easy I'd think for kids like ours and they can do okay with tips.

God only knows.

He's worked two factories - books and cookies - quit both because "his back hurt". Now, in his defense, he does have minor back issues, but he refuses to do anything about it, won't even attempt to improve his posture, etc., so there's that. He's worked fast food, which is what he just quit. He worked a janitorial job, basically vacuuming and emptying trash cans in a office building. Quit.

The ice cream shop near where his new place is was hiring full-time! His response was, "I've seen how busy that place is, it's packed on a slow day." Sooo..you can't make a banana split quick enough? That's an issue here? Puleeze!

I told him today that a hotel is hiring overnight front desk help...I'd say you don't get a more quiet job than that.

So...I made his counseling appointment. Had a nice vent with the EAP lady before she matched him with a woman - he wants a woman, go figure. She's a LPC, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but that's what you get thru EAP. She does seem pretty nice on the phone, I gave her a bit of background, but really, I didn't want to say tooooo much, because he's the patient, not me, and she may well tell him what I said. I told her there was anger issues, problems dealing with life in general and a failure to launch. May have told her about the pot, at this point I don't remember. Told her about the housing issue, girlfriend leaving, lack of job and motivation. I told her, "He says he just really needs someone to talk to so he vents before he blows up. Generally, he just has a lot of issues. He could really use some life skills in general." This particular office does list "life coaching" among their services.

Fingers crossed.

 

[InsaneCdn]

This particular office does list "life coaching" among their services.

They will tell him the same things you tell him. BUT - somehow, when it comes from an outside source, it is sometimes more acceptable than coming from parents. So it doesn't hurt to try. Especially when he has asked for it.

 

[pasajes4]

Mine always wants a woman counselor. They are easier to manipulate....his words.

 

[Lil]

Mine always wants a woman counselor. They are easier to manipulate....his words.

Well the first one he lied to. The second told him flat out what he was doing was wrong...quit her.

Hopefully, this one can manipulate right back.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, you and everyone else who works goes to work with a hoarse throat, cough, digestive issues and worse. Unless you work for yourself, these are not considered reasons to take off work but excuses not to work.

I have a still broken shoulder and am thrilled I was called back to work. Its a physical job so ill just take Tylenol.

My kids of your sons age have jobs and go to work when they are under the weather.

Your son really puzzles me. He really doesnt seem to want to work. Usually that is druggie behavior, but he's not one. I hope you solve the puzzle before May. You and Jabber work hard and have set a good example for him. I hope he wakes up soon.

Written with warmth and caring and a little confusion.

 

[Lil]

Your son really puzzles me.

Confuses the heck out of me too. lol

 

[InsaneCdn]

I have a still broken shoulder and am thrilled I was called back to work. Its avphysical job so ill just take Tylenol.

There is a fine balance here, SWOT.
Our challenging kids won't "get" this, so I'm not saying it about Lil's son or any of the rest of "our" kids here.
But.

YOU. If you have a "still broken shoulder" and are being called back to "a physical job"... just my opinion, but you will pay for that in life-long pain, the kind of pain that will get progressively worse as you age. You need to look after yourself.

(if you had said... receptionist, or other non-physical work... that would be a totally different story. And we're talking about broken shoulder here, not a sore throat)

 

[BusynMember]

A counselor can only help if the client is honest snd wants to change. I hope this time your son is sincere. Cossing fingers toes, eyes, etc.

 

[in a daze]

She's a LPC

Most therapist are either LPC' s (licensed professional counsellors) or MSW' s (master of social work). Both are masters prepared and are competent to do therapy.

My son's been going to therapy for years, as we have in order to deal with all his issues so that's how I know all this. Just so you know so you don't think you're getting someone that's not qualified.

And most private psychiatrists really don't do psychotherapy. They focus on symptoms, lifestyle and medications to manage the symptoms.

We took our son to a clinical psychologist once, and I thought he was pretty mediocre. Degrees and qualifications don't always translate into skills.

 

[Roxona]

Day 3 - still no job hunting.

J was like that too. Luckily he is motivated to want money. I told him he needed to give me proof that he has applied to three places every day or I won't give him gas for his car. Most places required you to apply online these days, so he used snagajob.com to put in his applications. The process is a bit slower, but within a month he had a new job. Maybe this website could help your son. He can still put in applications online with a sore throat.

 

[BusynMember]

Indeed.com as well. There are many places that require online applications..more than places that let you fill out an application by hand. You even need to apply for fast food online here. Nobody hands out paper applications.

If son puts in "Job Opportunities For His-Town, Mo." many job sites will come up. That's how I look. There I s also the local Dept. Of Workforce and Development. I think they even offer free or paid job training. I am also with them.

 

[in a daze]

Day 3 - still no job hunting.

He says he feels unwell. Maybe he really does. He's been clearing his throat and coughing and such since he got there and spraying it with Chloraseptic. He's also had some "digestive" issues...but that's because he has no fiber in his diet. He called me at 9 and sounded pretty hoarse and clogged. I told him to look for Dayquil.

He's worked two factories - books and cookies - quit both because "his back hurt

Reminds me of my son, who had a lot of somatic complaints (at one time he was actually a lot going to physical therapy ordered by the orthopod he went to for his back pain from standing around at his security guard job). Fatigue, body aches, stomach issues. These were depression symptoms. People with depression can present with a lot of somatic symptoms.

I think, if he would agree to it, your son would benefit greatly from neuropsychological testing. This would pick up any psychiatric issues and also cognitive issues that are impeding his functioning and give you a clearer picture of exactly what's going on with him.

He kind of reminds me of our kid....the bodily complaints, the reluctance to look for a job, the calling off once he gets a job, the stealing (low level, in his case, a few bucks out of my purse, not enough for us to notice) . Although mine turned out to be an addict, but this didn't manifest itself until age 21.

Some of the way he acts is like he almost can't help it.

 

[in a daze]

We locked our kid out of the house every day, gave him 5 bucks for lunch. He was to apply for jobs. This way he couldn't sleep the day away. He could go to the library and use their computer. He did get a job. That was in 2010, and that w a s not the end of his troubles, but in the short term, it worked.

 

[RN0441]

Well hate to say this but glad I shipped mine off to Florida because he can either sink or swim there. I'm SO done. I know this may sound harsh and if you knew me you'd know that I'm not like that. But loving him from afar is much nicer.

 

[Lil]

I think, if he would agree to it, your son would benefit greatly from neuropsychological testing.

Oh we've discussed that on here many times. He'd never agree. He barely agrees to counseling. Now, if the counselor suggests it, maybe.

Either way though, I'm actually worried that if he were to go to a neuropsychologist, and get diagnosed as Aspie or something, he'd use that as an excuse for his "This is just how it is, I can't help it".

We locked our kid out of the house every day, gave him 5 bucks for lunch. He was to apply for jobs. This way he couldn't sleep the day away. He could go to the library and use their computer. He did get a job.

It may come to that if we don't see some movement.