Most difficult years of my life

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you all so much for your replies. Every reply gives me so much strength and I plan to read them daily so that I don’t slip back into my old ways of helping him because I’m either feeling guilty or afraid of what might happen if I don’t.

I felt we were so alone in this situation before I came across this site but it is happening to so many parents all over the world.

I love to hear how situations have improved when people stop helping. It gives me hope.

We were at a party with friends last night and my son was ringing and texting me because he wanted a lift somewhere and had too much to carry. This could have been an innocent request but realistically he could have had stolen things or could have wanted us to go round by an address while he “pops in” - I suspect to buy drugs.

In the past, one of us would have probably left to help him but last night I just texted that we were at a party and he needed to sort it out himself.

I got a few texts back calling me a “scumbag”
and that I should be in jail for abandoning him. He texted he might get on a train and never come back. I ignored them and was relieved to find that he stopped texting.

That was quite minor but I can’t remember the last time I went anywhere without him calling to demand something.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I got a few texts back calling me a “scumbag”
and that I should be in jail for abandoning him. He texted he might get on a train and never come back. I ignored them and was relieved to find that he stopped texting.

Gaslighting. They all do it to try and keep us in a state of FOG. My son was big on doing this as well, constantly complaining that we treated him like a child and not an adult. For some reason he got very upset when I informed him that when he started ACTING like an adult I'd start TREATING him like an adult. Guess I hit a nerve.

If he did it would have made it much easier to detach. Anger helps!

Anger does help but the problem is that anger fades and with it, so does your resolve. Then you start thinking you acted in anger so acted wrong and the second guessing starts. Realistically, you are much better off making your decisions when you are calm and centered. That way you KNOW that the decision is the best one you can make at the time.

 

[Guidance seeker]

I agree Jabberwockey, I have felt much stronger when I have felt angry and have wanted to keep that feeling. By nature, I’m quite a kind, forgiving person and in a lot of ways it has been my downfall. When I have spoken to him angrily, I have deeply regretted what I have said.

I can’t express how grateful I am to all the people here who have taken their time to support me and advise me. This forum has been the most helpful thing I have come across and gives me so much strength.

I have many times tortured myself on whether I had done the right thing by putting him out and taking him to court last April or whether I should’ve kept him at home unconditionally, protecting him as much as I can. This forum makes me see things rationally with no nonsense. The other threads I have read have been of so much value too.

Thank you all, you all speak so much sense and all know the reality of having such a difficult child.

 

[Jabberwockey]

whether I should’ve kept him at home unconditionally, protecting him as much as I can.

First off, remember that unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional acceptance. I told my son on many occasions that I loved him but didn't really like him at the time. Your home however, should ALWAYS have conditions. Its your home, not his. Its your safe haven and allowing our out of control to live in our homes without conditions invites disaster. Part of the reason we ended up kicking our son out, he was stealing from us, was that I absolutely refuse to go down the road that so many others have. Many on here suggested locks on our bedroom door, a safe to keep valuables in and so on. I work in a prison. I REFUSE to live in one.

 

[Guidance seeker]

My son stole from us too - anything he thought he could sell.

His sister who is a wonderful person had come home from work on several occasions to find he had been through her belongings in her room looking for jewellery etc - he even sold jewellery her boyfriend had bought her (but I bought it back).

She told me that if he continued the way he was, she was considering moving out and staying with her boyfriend and his family. She was 17 and deserved none of it and that was one of the things that pushed me into making the decision to put him out of the house.

My home now is a peaceful relaxed place for her. I find it hard to enjoy that for myself because I’m always anxious about him but I’m glad she has the peaceful home back that she deserves and doesn’t have to hide anything of value.

 

[BusynMember]

You are brave and you did the right thing.

 

[Littleboylost]

Gaslighting. They all do it to try and keep us in a state of FOG. My son was big on doing this as well, constantly complaining that we treated him like a child and not an adult. For some reason he got very upset when I informed him that when he started ACTING like an adult I'd start TREATING him like an adult. Guess I hit a nerve.



Anger does help but the problem is that anger fades and with it, so does your resolve. Then you start thinking you acted in anger so acted wrong and the second guessing starts. Realistically, you are much better off making your decisions when you are calm and centered. That way you KNOW that the decision is the best one you can make at the time.

Jabber this is the part I hate the most. Having to lock away all of our belongings and be like a hawk when he is around. And he has the nerve to act offended by our actions to protect ourselves and our belongings.

 

[BusynMember]

Of course he acts offended. But if you don't hide them he will steal them. That's probably why he is upset.

 

[Littleboylost]

Ex

Of course he acts offended. But if you don't hide them he will steal them. That's probably why he is upset.

Exactly SWOT. It makes my head spin!

 

[Triedntrue]

It is so good to hear that your daughter got through it all without your help. It gives me so much hope.

It also gives me strength to hear that you put her out and it did her good. Everywhere I look at the moment, on facebook and on TV, I see about homeless at Christmas and it triggers so much guilt in me. I know I had no choice in the end but to make him leave and had to consider my husband and 18 year old daughter (who is one of the most wonderful, level headed people I know). I remember going to do the ironing one day and even my iron had been stolen and sold!! I was living in madness.

 

[Triedntrue]

So much of what you say reminds me of what i have gone through with my son. He is 36 and we are finally cutting him off. He has not been allowed to live here for a while because of his behavior but i did the same things hotel rooms, paying rent. I think you are wise to make this move while he is younger . My son is bipolar 2. There may be a medical diagnosis for your son as well. Good luck but like so many people on here have said take care of yourself too. I found that if i go to message settings on my phone then spam i can add his number to the spam list. This way they are not constantly popping up causing me more stress. His phone number has been blocked as well. If i don't he starts out being nice but if i don't comply it gets nasty.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Tired mama - He has underlying mental conditions - mild autism and ADHD. Although I feel these conditions have contributed to how he is, the drug use seems to have really messed him up.

I haven’t completely detached yet and I know that by buying his food once he has ran out of money I am enabling him as there’s less consequences for him when he spends his money on drugs.

He gets a rented flat next week and I’m so worried that he will lose his tenancy by his behaviour. However, I have told him that I won’t find him somewhere to stay if he does as I have exhausted every option but in reality, I’m hoping that I can stay strong enough to do that and not pay for yet another hotel.

I worry more about him being homeless than him going to prison. A couple of years ago, the thought of him going to prison terrified me but nowadays I feel prison may at least bring some stability and possible help. I think it’s very likely that he will go one day because of unpaid fines, not engaging with probation or committing new crimes.

Like you have experienced, many of my son’s phone calls start nicely then become abusive when I don’t give him what he wants. When he lived at home, the phrase I started to dread was, “Can we have a talk mam?” - that usually meant he had ran up a huge drug debt and wanted to persuade me he wanted to change so I would pay off the debt. The talk would always end badly with things being smashed etc unless I gave in.

 

[susiestar]

If I were you I would probably go down to the police and ask what the consequences would be if he were at your house and you called the police. Would he go to prison or not, and for how long? How would he be cared for in prison to make sure he was not preyed on by other inmates? What would they do about his drug use?

I would want to know the reality of the situation, and not the rumors that could happen. I would want to know how his detox would be handled and how they could keep a vulnerable person from being preyed on by other inmates when the vulnerable person probably would not be able to realize that he is being taken advantage of. Your son is NOT the first person to be in this situation.

Once I knew more about the situation, and what was likely to happen, I might be more likely to let him end up in prison. No, prison isn't nice. However, you would know where he was, that someone was looking after him, and that his access to drugs was limited. Of course he would tell you stories that if you didn't smuggle this or that in, or put money on his account, he would be beaten up because he owed money for drugs. Report this to the authorities every time. Make sure he knows ahead of time that you will do this. Be very clear that you will NOT be party to any schemes to smuggle in drugs or to buy drugs in prison.

It might be a way to get him off of drugs for a certain amount of time. Of course he would have to want to stay off of them for it to have any long term impact, but it might be a break for you.

Are you aware that every dollar in food that you give him is one more dollar in drugs that he can use? If you buy him food every day, what are his benefits supposed to pay for? He isn't using them for rent. He isn't using them for food. You pay those things. So his benefit money is drug money, along with any other cash he can get from you. Or anything else he can get from you that he can sell. It is good that you are not giving him cash very often, if at all. Now it is time to see the food that you are giving him as just another resource that is freeing up his resources so that he can buy drugs. The less you give an addict, the harder their life is. The harder their life is, the sooner they want to quit, hopefully.

I know it is hard. Sadly, providing for all of his needs hasn't helped him break this addiction. It has only contributed to his bad behavior, deplorable treatment of you, your husband and of his sister. You know how to tell when he is lying because it is when his lips are moving. There is literally nothing that he says to you that is the truth.

It would be impossible to cut him off cold turkey, or to stop worrying and obsessing over him cold turkey. He is addicted to drugs and you are codependent with him. Addiction is the disease that infects the entire family even if only one member is using. Trust me, I know. My grandfather was an alcoholic who never drank around me. I learned all the behaviors of the grandchild of an alcoholic. My brother is an alcoholic, thankfully in recovery. Your ENTIRE family needs help, not just your son. You cannot get your son to go get help tomorrow. You can get yourself to get help this week, or even tomorrow. You are already getting help here.

Go to AlAnon or NarAnon meetings. They are 12 step meetings for families of alcoholics or drug addicts. Here in the US, no one minds if you go to AlAnon but your family member is a drug user, or you go to NarAnon and your family member is an alcoholic. At least they don't at any meetings I have gone to. You can google whichever one you are interested in and your area to find meetings. There might be more of one or the other, which is why I suggested both.

Private therapy is also helpful. Look for a therapist who is experienced with substance abuse or addiction and/or codependency issues. It may take a few tries to find the right therapist. If you don't feel the therapist is right for you, don't go back. Find another one. There is NOTHING wrong with going to another therapist. Many of us have come across therapists who gave us advice that was wrong, idiotic or crazy. Always use your common sense and follow your instincts. If you are in doubt about something a therapist says, you can always ask one of us here. If you don't want to bring it up on the open forum, a private conversation between you and the person you want to speak to is easy to do. It is important that you find the right fit with your therapist, even if you have to see several before you find the right one.

There are also books that are helpful. Codependent No More by Beattie is a classic for a reason. Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend is incredibly helpful, especially with the workbook. There are others, but these are a great start.

I do advise telling your son that you won't tolerate his abusive language over the phone. That you will hang up if he is rude or he swears at you. Only do this if you can truly hang up on him, though. If you tell him this, and hang up on him when he is rude, you might start teaching him that you have some boundaries that he would do well to follow. It is just a thought.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[Guidance seeker]

Susiestar, I googled naranon and although this hasn’t been long established in the UK, there are meetings in a town that wouldn’t be too far to travel to. I plan to ring and find out more.

My husband came home from his daily visit to my son today and said he really doesn’t want to visit him anymore.

My son was abusive to him and demanding, he has gone through all of his money and is putting his grandmother’s gold crucifix and chain into a pawn shop this afternoon - this breaks my heart as she was so close to him as he was to her, she gave it to him shortly before she died when he was 11. He gives the reason for this as wanting to buy fireworks for New Year’s Eve tonight. I know in his mind, he thinks he will buy it back but by the time a month passes, his benefits will have gone on other things.

My husband, who is generally a kind, calm, wonderful man said he found himself being verbally abusive back to my son as he was furious (my son had said made terrible remarks about his sister, who is a lovely person - I feel he is jealous of her) - he says he doesn’t want to see my son anymore and doesn’t want to be talking like he did to anyone - my son had made him so angry. My husband has endured my son daily while he took him for food and collected his washing etc. My son has never appreciated it, just expected it and wanted more.

I can’t see what on Earth attracts him to maintaining the life he is living.

I’m hurting so much today - a mixture between hurt and worry. It seems that however badly my son behaves and treats us, I still always worry about him and want him to just change so badly. I hate that I forgive so easily.

My mind seems to flit from one worry to another about my son, it’s completely overwhelming. I’m glad I’m working all night tonight as it’s a distraction.

 

[Littleboylost]

Susiestar, I googled naranon and although this hasn’t been long established in the UK, there are meetings in a town that wouldn’t be too far to travel to. I plan to ring and find out more.

My husband came home from his daily visit to my son today and said he really doesn’t want to visit him anymore.

My son was abusive to him and demanding, he has gone through all of his money and is putting his grandmother’s gold crucifix and chain into a pawn shop this afternoon - this breaks my heart as she was so close to him as he was to her, she gave it to him shortly before she died when he was 11. He gives the reason for this as wanting to buy fireworks for New Year’s Eve tonight. I know in his mind, he thinks he will buy it back but by the time a month passes, his benefits will have gone on other things.

My husband, who is generally a kind, calm, wonderful man said he found himself being verbally abusive back to my son as he was furious (my son had said made terrible remarks about his sister, who is a lovely person - I feel he is jealous of her) - he says he doesn’t want to see my son anymore and doesn’t want to be talking like he did to anyone - my son had made him so angry. My husband has endured my son daily while he took him for food and collected his washing etc. My son has never appreciated it, just expected it and wanted more.

I can’t see what on Earth attracts him to maintaining the life he is living.

I’m hurting so much today - a mixture between hurt and worry. It seems that however badly my son behaves and treats us, I still always worry about him and want him to just change so badly. I hate that I forgive so easily.

My mind seems to flit from one worry to another about my son, it’s completely overwhelming. I’m glad I’m working all night tonight as it’s a distraction.

GS
I feel your worry and pain I truly do. I too can not warwpcmy head around why my son lives the way he does. Chooses the life he does.

Naranon and this forum have given me so much strength to detach from my son and not be so overwhelmed with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

My son a few years ago when he ramped up his drug use also pawned jewelry. We know he did because every time we ask him about it he says “I didn’t pawn it someone stole it”. Which of course we know means he pawned all of it. 2 gold chains and a bracelet. One that was his and the chain and bracelet that belonged to me. My husband bought them for me when we were married.

Perhaps if you know what shop he wound pawn it at you could go and explain the situation to the shop and purchase the item when he isn’t able to retrieve it. That way you can at least secure the family heirloom and put it away for safe keeping.

Drugs make them do and say the most terrible things. All be it that it is their drug brain speaking it is our normal selves who have to put up with this insult and injury. At times distance may well be best.

A good thing I learned in Naranon is Nothing changes if nothing changes. I learned to ask myself what would happen if I continued to support my son and do things for and with him. Well what happened was he ramped up his drug use and found ways to steal from us that I could have never imagined he would do.

We had him arrested (for the second time), and he sat in jail for 10 days. He is still in the blame the world mode not taking accountability for his actions at all. He was released on the agreeemnt that he go to a long term inpatient rehab program. We are waiting for a bed.

He remains arrogant and cockey is smoking pot and drinking (not around us), has chosen to hole up at his GFs house which I find shameful. I could never have behaved the way he did when I was his age.

His choices and actions have him where he is in life. If he does not complete rehab he will face his charges and go back to prison. We will not accept him home to live if this is the path he chooses.

These are such difficult decisions to make. At 18,going on 19 he has to take accountability for his life and it is what he makes it.

I Hioe you find some help and peace of mind with Naranon. None of us deserve what our children put us through. We have the right to set boudaries and expectations and lead peaceful lives.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Lbl, it made me cry to hear your son stole jewellery your husband bought you.

I too cannot understand my son and what he does. I can’t relate to him because he is so different to how I could ever be. If there is a decision to make - he will make the wrong one every single time.

I hope by detaching more, it will make life more bearable for us.

I’m sick of being blamed for everything that happens. Even when he loses something it’s my fault for stressing him by him not being able to live at home.

This forum is amazing for giving me guidance and strength x

 

[Littleboylost]

Lbl, it made me cry to hear your son stole jewellery your husband bought you.

I too cannot understand my son and what he does. I can’t relate to him because he is so different to how I could ever be. If there is a decision to make - he will make the wrong one every single time.

I hope by detaching more, it will make life more bearable for us.

I’m sick of being blamed for everything that happens. Even when he loses something it’s my fault for stressing him by him not being able to live at home.

This forum is amazing for giving me guidance and strength x

I have grown so strong with the love and support of people on this forum and support groups like Naranon.
There is a very good book called Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You. Please read it. Also Codependant No More. I have read both twice.
You are not alone. Better days are ahead.

Yes we are the reason for our sons problems. We were so caught up in the FOG we started to bel be him. In my darkest days I found this site. I have never looked back since. My son has not improved but I am managing far far better and taking my own life back. You can too.

My husband is originally from Yorkshire all his family are still in the UK. We have recently filled them in on our challenges with our son. That was very hard for my husband.

 

[Guidance seeker]

I’m also from the north of England.

I found it hard to tell anybody for the first 2 years as I felt so ashamed and felt it was my fault - that I must’ve done something wrong. I had hoped it would be a phase. As time passed, I confided in one or two people but I’m more open now and I think that helped - also I live in a relatively small place and people see things and talk. My oldest brother lives away and he doesn’t know anything at all, he seems to have such a perfect, successful family and I don’t think he would understand.

I fell into a trap yet again tonight. My son rang me, all tearful saying he had fallen and damaged his knee but could not get to hospital. He recently had a knee op following a machete attack (just another incident in his chaotic life). My mam feelings took over and I picked him up in the car. He was limping but didn’t seem to need A and E anymore and wanted a lift home. He also asked for £10 as it was NYE, I refused. I got verbally abused all the way to his - all about how evil I am letting him live in a crack den while I live in my “palace” (I live in a modest 3 bedroom house). I felt afraid in the car and regretted going for him. He really is vile to me.

 

[Littleboylost]

GS

Bravo for not giving him any money! I got guilted into giving mine $7 the other day.

With the blame and aggression I have been there and in some ways an still there. Please be careful as manipulation and aggression is bad enough and we should not have to tolerate it. It can lead to violence and theft. My son has made an attempt to be physically aggressive with me one. He saw the look in my eyes and backed off. He did recent snatch phone when I was attempting to call 911. Zero tolerance for any of his behaviour. Which is why he is hanging at his GFs parents place. He can sleep with his girl, drink mad smoke pot. It will be short lived. These scenarios always are.

We are now in the position that if our son does not go to rehab he will go to jail and then get sentenced and have prison time. We are not proud of the fact that we had him arrested but his actions lead us to having to have him arrested and that is a tough lesson he will have to deal with on his own terms.

Be good to yourself. Perhaps next time he begins to be abusive towards you make him get out of the car. If he refuses to leave step out and call 999. They use the money for drugs. My son used his money for a weeks pass to the gym I made him send me a picture of the receipt. He had a gym membership but we canceled it as he never went.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Lbl, there are so many similarities between your son and mine and you fully understand just how hard it is.

If your son’s girlfriend’s parents tolerate him smoking pot at there’s then that’s crazy on their part. My son used to smoke it in his room with bongs, he’d deny it but I could often smell it. After he had left, I found around 30 rolled up pieces of paper stuffed behind his wardrobe so he must’ve been snorting cocaine in my house too. It makes me angry as he knows that he was risking mine and my husbands jobs by having class A drugs in our home.

A couple of years ago, his friend was charged with supplying cannabis and police initially thought my son was involved. They came to my house one morning and searched his room. I had noticed another police car hidden down the road and it felt so surreal knowing that there were extra police waiting incase of trouble. I expect they usually batter the door down during drug raids, at my house I offered them cups of tea!! More of his chaotic world brought into mine. Nothing was found thank goodness.