Most difficult years of my life

[Littleboylost]

GS
Yes there are many similarities. When I look back over the last 3 1/2 years and the mess that sons behaviour has brought into our lives it is simply unfathomable. And yes we still love them and fall into enabling if we are not careful.

I have to set mantras up daily to keep me detached with love. It is a daily process.

GFs mother is not right in head as far as Ian concerned. Her daughter was dating my son for only 3 weeks when he was arrested and she took her daughter to jail to visit him and was interfering and telling us we should bail him out and drop the charges. Unreal. If he wants to lay about and smoke out at her place and she allows it so be it. Not on my watch no way. And sorry no rehab then it’s time for jail.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL - His girlfriend’s mother interfering like that must’ve been so frustrating for you. It’s a hard enough decision for you to make without a virtual stranger giving you bad advice. You did well to stay strong.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Things have reached a crisis again today. My son has been evicted from the homeless accommodation today for throwing a firework from the window of his bedroom “as a joke to give someone a fright” a few nights ago. He also hadn’t paid any rent.

He has rang me begging me to put him in a hotel tonight as he has nowhere to go. He has no money at all.

So far, I have said he needs to sort it out himself. I know he has 2 watches he can sell which he bought when he was given a lump sum of benefits backdated.

The urge to rush in and rescue him is huge. I don’t know if I can let him sleep out on the streets, so far I have never done that. I’ve always arranged the homeless accommodation or booked him in hotels - he always gets evicted and on every occasion he has filled the rooms with junk that he must either buy from people or sell.

I think if I pay for a room again, he will not learn and will mess up every time as I’m there to rescue him.

He has a flat that he is going to be able to rent soon but we don’t have a date when he will get the keys yet and maybe it will give him some value of how important it is to abide by the rules of where he is staying if things are difficult for him now.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Things have reached a crisis again today. My son has been evicted from the homeless accommodation today for throwing a firework from the window of his bedroom “as a joke to give someone a fright” a few nights ago. He also hadn’t paid any rent.

He has rang me begging me to put him in a hotel tonight as he has nowhere to go. He has no money at all.

So far, I have said he needs to sort it out himself. I know he has 2 watches he can sell which he bought when he was given a lump sum of benefits backdated.

The urge to rush in and rescue him is huge. I don’t know if I can let him sleep out on the streets, so far I have never done that. I’ve always arranged the homeless accommodation or booked him in hotels - he always gets evicted and on every occasion he has filled the rooms with junk that he must either buy from people or sell.

I think if I pay for a room again, he will not learn and will mess up every time as I’m there to rescue him.

He has a flat that he is going to be able to rent soon but we don’t have a date when he will get the keys yet and maybe it will give him some value of how important it is to abide by the rules of where he is staying if things are difficult for him now.

 

[Littleboylost]

otel tonight as he has nowhere to go. He has no money at all.

Ask yourself why he has no money. Ask yourself if you step in and help what will change this time around.

The urge to rush in and rescue him is huge. I don’t know if I can let him sleep out on the streets, so far I have never done that. I’ve always arranged the homeless accommodation or booked him in hotels - he always gets evicted and on every occasion he has filled the rooms with junk that he must either buy from people or sell.

He is the maker of his own circumstances not you. I understand how difficult it is to let them go and not reduce them. My son had been on the street. His choice as he refused to go to a homeless shelter.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Perhaps your son will not take accountability for his actions until he is fully accountable on his own. This may mean he will have to choose between a shelter and behave or be on the streets.

The fact that he felt it was acceptable to buy himself clothes and watches and not plan for his future is a huge sign that he has no comprehension or respect for his living issues. He has a lot of maturing to do and you are correct if you keep reducing him it will continue to enable him.
This is a very real struggle for many of us.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you LBL, you have been so supportive to me. Even though it is hard, I think I am doing the right thing by doing nothing.

I’ve had several abusive phone calls and texts because I won’t pay for a hotel. He said he’ll die on the street tonight, I told him it’s not even forecast to freeze tonight so he won’t.
It makes me feel so hard and cruel but if I don’t change, this will happen time and Time again. Maybe he will learn a lesson from it now. Hopefully it will be a lesson to me to see how he deals with tonight and if he can solve problems if he has no other option.

I’m afraid he might turn up here because I’d have to call the police and he would create an embarrassing scene.

The last I heard was he could stay at a friends for £20 tonight. I’ve refused to pay - it would probably go on cannabis for both him and the friend anyway. So now he says he can’t stay there either and I didn’t give him enough time to sell the watches - always my fault.

I’ll see how the night works out.

 

[BusynMember]

Nothing changes if nothing changes. And it hasnt changed, has it? Your son is the one who keeps acting badly in places he can stay. in my opinion he needs to be uncomfortable or he won't learn. Very uncomfortable. He needs to know that Rescue Mom is done rescuing. Nobody made him throw a firecracker. He knew he would get into trouble. But he also knew you would help him out. So he didn't refrain. This is seriously awful behavior.

 

[Guidance seeker]

Thank you SWOT, you are talking so much sense. He’s currently texting me and begging me but I’m staying strong so far. It just feels so against how a mother should be but I know I am doing it for his sake as well as mine. My enabling has made things worse, not better.

I really wish I felt more detached, I wish I was a tougher person.

 

[Littleboylost]

One hour at a time. Write down your boudaries and expectations. Share them make them real.

I know it is hard trust me. Our son was arrested when he was living rough on the streets and I was so broken down about it I voted for weeks feeling it was all my fault.

I didn’t choose to drug and behave badly. I didn’t chose to break our family rules time and time again I didn’t chose to stay in the streets and not go to a shelter. My son did that all of n his own.

You know what I felt sorry for him we our him in a hotel for a few days and allowed him to come home with the promise of going to rehab. He continued to act badly, refused rehab, stole from us and was arrested again. Wash rinse and repeat.

He is now with us waiting for rehab. He has pending charges and his life is a wreck. I do not know if I can have him come back to love with us or not after rehab. But for today he either choose to live by our rules or he can leave. He has found a girlfriend who’s mom let’s him squat at their place. Why would he come home if he can do as he pleases at her house and they are allowed to sleep together.

My house my rules and they aren’t going to change.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL, you’ve showed amazing strength to stand firm. I really hope I can be strong like that.

My main reason for staying strong tonight is that he gets keys to a flat soon and I want him to realise I won’t rescue him anymore so that he doesn’t get himself evicted again. After this flat, there’s nowhere left so I want him to care about keeping it.

I’m really hoping he gets a roof over his head but maybe if he doesn’t he will learn faster.

It’s a cold rainy night tonight and there’s a storm forecast but at least it’s not freezing.

 

[BusynMember]

Guidance Seeker, he is not a child and will survive rain and cold. There are places he can hang out and go to. I passionately believe that in your son's case, he is worse than most in his blatent defiance and disregard of your tireless help and his laughing at his own very childish misbehavior....he is quite terrible in blowing through every place where he is allowed to stay. I am pretty sure that if he were in the U.S. he would have seen jail.

I think he needs to be cold and uncomfortable to learn to appreciate warm places. He needs to be thought of by you as an adult, not a naughty child. If he is homeless maybe that would help him. I assume he has a coat, hat and boots. In the UK I believe it doesn't really get dangerously cold. He can follow the rules f he doesn't like the rain/snow. Or not. His choice.

I would do tough love. That is how my daughter learned and quit drugs. Your son is disregarding every second chance you give him. He in my opinion ran out of second changes. I would get out of his way and let him face the consequences of his actions. I feel he won't learn any other way.

I know Tourette's Syndrome hard, but helping isn't helping him.

 

[Guidance seeker]

SWOT, I agree that I do need to think of him differently. I have stayed strong so far tonight (its 8.40pm here).

It’s hard to see him as an adult when he is so immature. He doesn’t have Tourette’s but he does have mild autism and ADHD. He’s quite vulnerable in lots of ways but I can’t make excuses for him which is why I am trying so hard to make him face his own consequences tonight. I’m hoping he will learn from this

 

[BusynMember]

I have an autistic son. He is responsible. I hope your son learns.
I do not think of my son as a child.
Can your son get services like they have in the U.S...even if you have services here, you are still expected to behave. My son uses some services but is compliant. Mostly he is on his own. He never asks for financial help

 

[Guidance seeker]

He had a care act assessment recently and they have referred him to learning difficulties but I don’t know if they will help. There isn’t a lot available, I’ve tried for over a year but he won’t engage with anyone either.

 

[Sam3]

My son showed up when he had nowhere to stay. So I'm worried about that for you.

I am torn about whether to give warnings -- certainly these guys should be able to figure out that police might be called where they are not welcome -- but with parents, they assume we won't call.

For my own peace of mind, I would give the warning that the police will be called if he shows up assuming he can stay, because he is not welcome, has not been living at home and is a trespasser. But then, it would be imperative that you follow through. If he showed up with that warning, calling the police would be a no brainer, at least for me

 

[Guidance seeker]

Sam3, I did just that earlier. I texted saying that I would call the police immediately if he showed up. It’s something I would hate to do but I would have to or he will keep doing it and bringing chaos to the house.

It’s now 12.50 am here, I haven’t had a text from him for over 2 hours. I’m hoping he has found a place to stay but I have to keep thinking he will be ok for one night even if he hasn’t.

The wind is howling, there’s a storm called Storm Eleanor bashing the uk tonight. I have stayed strong though as he will have to realise his actions have consequences for him.

When things get to crisis point, it overwhelms me. I have only eaten a bowl of cereal all day and when I try to sleep, I doze and then wake in a panic after a few minutes. My husband is sleeping away like a baby, I wish I had more of his atitude.

 

[Littleboylost]

LBL, you’ve showed amazing strength to stand firm. I really hope I can be strong like that.

My main reason for staying strong tonight is that he gets keys to a flat soon and I want him to realise I won’t rescue him anymore so that he doesn’t get himself evicted again. After this flat, there’s nowhere left so I want him to care about keeping it.

I’m really hoping he gets a roof over his head but maybe if he doesn’t he will learn faster.

It’s a cold rainy night tonight and there’s a storm forecast but at least it’s not freezing.

Stand strong mama. It the long run ding what’s right is sometimes the hardest thing we do.

 

[Sam3]

When things get to crisis point, it overwhelms me. I have only eaten a bowl of cereal all day and when I try to sleep, I doze and then wake in a panic after a few minutes. My husband is sleeping away like a baby, I wish I had more of his atitude.

So sorry. I know the feeling. Maybe you can daydream about your favorite handsome actor, to the sound of your H snoring away, until you doze off. Among the Brits, it would be Idris Elba for me but really any actual or potential James Bond would do.

 

[Guidance seeker]

LBL - I stayed strong, I don’t know where he spent the night - he told me he was in a boiler room. He has sold a few things today and booked into a cheap hotel so he has a roof over his head tonight and he organised and paid for it himself.

Sam3 - that made me smile.

 

[Littleboylost]

GS well done. I know how hard this is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. This is your sons best chance to face the consequences of his own making. Without experiencing this there will be no hope for any change.

I do believe this hits mothers the hardest ( I am sure there are exceptions but in general). Many a sleepless night I lay full of anxiety while my husband sleeps away.

Keep up the great detachment tools you have put in place.

Big hugs to you.