the ball is in his court??

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Sep 25, 2017.

  1. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Copa.

    I am reading along and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

    Do focus on you and what you have some control over.

  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Well it does beg the question why are so many willing to live on the street and feed their addiction and mental health issues?

    There are certainly colonies of people that do just that. They do not want conventional lives. They will steal and lie to ensure their unconventional lives have the comforts they require.

    This is a broken set of erhics void of moral conscience.

    We are the ones closer to the realm of reality, with memories of the pain and anguish these choices cause. We see them suffer and we suffer greatly for this. Perhaps in our own way we suffer even more than our children suffer.

    I do not know the answer. I know I am doing the right thing to support myself, not be taken advantage of and love my son. And yes there will always be a hallow spot in my heart and emptiness in that place we call mother. No matter what I do or how I try, I know my new hollow friend will never leave me.

    Yes Leafy, minute by minute hour by hour and step by step this is how we survive. It will get easier as time passes. But the roller coaster will continue.

    Grieving in perpetuity.

    I am safer and fair better when I don't get ahead of myself in my head. I become anxious, panic and become fraught with fear. And for what? It does no good for anyone, especially me.

    Copa you have been taken to the top of the coaster and have been let down again. We can't help this. Hope and love are in our nature. Love yourself and press on. Be proud that you are still willing to be there and support efforts of improvement. That takes a tremendous amount of strength.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    thank you people.

    he called.

    said he was "on the street." he said something that implied he wanted to come back. i asked if he could test clean.

    gist: you can only come
    back here clean and productive, with a treatment plan in place and in practice to deal with your outbursts and depression. again i brought up neuropsychologist testing and vocational testing.

    well. i'll be on the streets another month.

    j. you knew you needed a place to stay. you knew no drug.. you had the option to seek help to quit. you had time to do so.

    he tried to guilt me.(it worked.) but i translated to m and he said "no marijuana."

    he borderline hung up on me. i waited an hour and half and called him back.

    he's back living in front of kfc and sleeping in a car with the deaf guy. (who had a hacking cough which alarmed me. )

    son sounded calm and upbeat. he said he was heading into the nearby large city tomorrow to take care of business. i did not try to pin him down.

    he said he'd had no problems at kfc (as a living situation??) and says "we watch each other's back." he said he would deal with things one step at a time.

    i feel better. one. he has a phone. two. he has support. three. we are talking. there is a conversation. four. it appears he is not aiming to make this long term and sees he is the one who will work his way out of this. or not.

    we spoke one more time. it was loving. i told him: this is hard on me.

    me too, he said. without self-pity. i love you mom.
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2017
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    now i'm worried the deaf guy has tb. that cough was terrible. they are sharing a car. one sleeps in front. the other in back.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    (((Hugs))) Copa.
  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    oh copa.
    I think if you could only "hear" this from outside, you'd see how loving and reasonable you are being. I see you as going above and beyond again and again. For his own good and your sanity.

    My son wants the life at some level, but has never been motivated to do what it takes to get it. To him it's not a good trade for drugs and alcohol. He makes choices as do we all. We know that once drugs/alcohol are involved, they drive the truck...

    Copa, please hang on to this.
    Don't focus on the guy with the cough, J. has no doubt been in many situations that would make you much more fearful than this, you just don't know about them and he has proven he knows how to seek healthcare. Let that one go.

    We wanted so much more for our sons when they came to us, didn't we? I still believe our higher power has got this, working out through whatever means what I can't comprehend. For both our sons. I'm hanging on that, by a thread some days but still holding on. Hold on with me. Prayers.
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear this news, Copa. He wasn't ready, isn't ready. It's mind-boggling (mind-exploding?!) but this is what he wants right now.

    At least he can carry the knowledge that there are people who showed faith in him. Maybe that planted a seed that will sprout later. You don't control this situation, any of it. If you did, it certainly would have been improved long ago. Be kind to yourself.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    i called him back about the guy's cough. i knew it was a mistake.

    he said the situatiion had taken a turn for the worst. he had to leave there.

    why? the car had hygienic issues. (i don't even want to imagine. but unfortunately i do.)

    he was waiting for a bus to ride around all night. he said there was the possibility his gym membership is still in effect and if so he could stay there all night. doubt this but it is a shred to cling to.

    i can't imagine how it would be to live this. except: hello. i am.

    srtl. thank you for your words, both loving and wise, which calmed and centered me.

    Last night i told him: i do not think h (his friend) intended that harm or disappointment come from his interventions. he has love for you.

    honestly. i do not think he could tolerate how you were living and he could not bear not acting from a moral sense.

    but you have the responsibility here. to have said no. if h put conditions on a friendship which was his right, you could have said no. but what you can't do is continue to ask for his help and support and not do your part. i mean you can but it doesn't work forever.

    i know mom. i'll keep my distance for now and give him some space. i'll call you.

    thank you very much ladies.
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2017
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    His choice Copa. I know it's so very difficult.
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    So many challenges lie before us. We stress and strain and worry worry worry. I feel I have aged 100 years in the past 3. I know it changes nothing. I try to remind myself of that every day. I have dug myself out of the pit of dispair and am trying to find energy to focus on things to make myself feel better.

    Copa you have done and offered so much. I agree he is very fortunate to have this support his choices are his own, but we get dragged along psychologically. Coping and hoping is what. We have left for us.

    Be well and focus on you. Be kind to your soul, it's a good one!
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Me too, Copa. Can't imagine it.
    The huge difference I see between our situations is that you have a connection with your son.
    This speaks volumes.
    That he is able to speak civilly with you.
    I have not found that with my two.
    Maybe one day.
    It is a hard thing to watch our beloveds make the choices they do. To know, or not know what or how they are doing.
    The fact that he calls you and is able to remain respectful and to listen to you and maintain the boundaries you set is huge.
    Hang on to that my friend.
    Though this is a setback, it is also a big change from past behaviors.
    Hang in there.
    Big hugs.
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    One of our Warrior parents put it in terms that help me get through the day. The gist of ig was that we agonize over the poor choices that they make, but for them it's just their Thursday. His thought process or lack of them are nothing new. Your agonizing over his choices is nothing new. You can't force him into living according to your desires for him. Just a thought..the next time he calls instead of responding in fear and despair. Respond with joy and let him know how happy you are that he is following his own path.
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  13. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Copa, I'm so sorry and have no words of wisdom but I applaud you for finding 4 things to be self assured about. I read the Glass Castle, if you get a chance, read this book. YOU have done the best you can. It is up to your son to find his way. When he calls, tell him you love him and you have confidence that he will figure things out.

    My son was offered nice places to stay even a small job. He turned it down. He instead chose to live among the homeless people, couch surf, hang out at corners in all kinds of weather. He had a nice place to stay at his aunt's. He stayed a few days, then took off again. This is his life. A Pastor who once was a drug addict and homeless in his youth told me "the street life is addicting and it's very hard to break, harder then heroin". He explained it's because they find acceptance among the "discarded people in society". They aren't judged, looked down upon by their own group of people.

    It's also because they feel they have no purpose...or haven't found their purpose. For a while my son preached the Bible to the homeless, the sick, the lonely and he was doing well. But then, he got mixed up in drugs and no longer cared about the Bible. Now he is jail and back to reading the Bible and wanting rehab. It's a cycle for him, for me. I think of his life as a ship that sails in rough seas and gets ship wrecked. He gets rescued somehow, gets back on a ship and sails in calm seas for a while, until the next storm, the next ship wreck, the next rescue.
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2017
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    thank you all.

    to wit. he called this morning to say he felt depressed and how did he plan to deal with it?

    go to the movies.
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    well. m said why not tell him he can come back. so i offered that he could come back here to the other house temporarily to make a plan for his next steps. not to stay but that might be an option depending on his choices. that we would not permit a replay of the past.

    he was so happy. he was so grateful and said that the offer gave him so much hope (or words to that effect.)

    and 3 hours later?

    he texts there is a slight problem.

    what's that, i text?

    my coming. but i will send the money tomorrow.

    i asked him to call.

    and then a text a few minutes later: i love you momser. that he was traveling from one town to another. just that.

    m says i need to just let him be. to not act from all of my love. i guess that means to hold back. to let him know we are here for him but just that.

    it's hard. you see. i wanted him to come home. i guess.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    OUCH! Copa, a quick note before I go off to coach.
    I have to say that my first reaction is that I am mad about this, for you, and for me too.
    I was thinking this morning that I would try to get in touch with Rain, for the connection.
    After reading a few posts, I had to rethink.
    I am a coward. I think of all of the things we have gone through, the lying, stealing, the swirley whirley.
    I have said to myself that my two will come to me when they do, and deal with it at that.
    I pray.
    Then I think "Is there something I can do to forge a connection?"
    Then this.
    Your post.
    The yo-yoing.
    The hope, despair and let down.
    You are a strong, amazing, kind, intelligent, giving woman.
    Is there some way to do this without feeling it so much?
    I don't know.
    I don't know Copa.
    They are our kids, grown up, but not adulting very well at all.
    Finding their way, and it will be their way, their time, choice, consequence.
    Is there a way to stay connected and close without having to go through all of the yo-yoing right along with them?
    Do they even know how many times our hearts have been shred into tiny little pieces, the effort it takes to sew it back together?
    "I'm depressed"
    So, he goes to the movies.
    You offer a place to stay.
    Happy now.
    Hope for you.
    Not coming.
    Status quo.
    It's like the depression shifted over to you.
    His loving kind hearted mother.
    Just Ugh!
    I'm sorry Copa, but it makes me mad.
    I hope I haven't offended you.
    But I am still mad.

    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It's the trap. They winge and whine and we support and solve. They pull at our hearts with emotional dispair, and we pop into Mom mode and solve and support. Only to have our disruptive emotional state for them to be dismissed and discarded as easily as the popcorn bucket at the end of a movie!

    It is madness!! And maddening and yet we do it again and again. Simply with the marginal hope that they .....this time....may change.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  18. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Sorry Copa. I'm following along.

    My take is that is sounds like "rinse / repeat" ~
    It appears clear that - you - are not ready to "let him be" ....

    It sounds like he is handling and figuring things out, as he should be ~ as he really wants to do himself - and he is making progress! I know - granted it not the way you would like to seem him doing it. But he is a man now (almost 30?), and his walk on the lonesome highway is "for his steps alone" as for us all. He knows your love is with him.

    I understand you don't want to let him go. I know it is a big loss and scarey for you to "let go". So much of your own identity is tied up to him. But it is a necessary loss for all parents of adult children.

    Take care, dear sister. I know you are going to be alright ....
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You made the offer. He has the option, the back-up plan if things fall apart. I'm sure that offer does give him hope. He can now do what he wants, knowing that if it doesn't work out, there is a place for him to go.

    I suspect most people here would think that's not the way to handle it. After all, "let them hit rock bottom" is a generally accepted notion. But, you know, having that back-up is not a bad thing in a typical person's life. While my parents were alive, I knew I could always call on them. When I was in a bad marriage, I knew I could always call this one old boyfriend - and he would come get me. There was a lot of nights I comforted myself with the thought that "If I can't take it anymore, I can call M and he will come help me." I have a couple friends who, if it all fell apart and I lost Jabber and everything else, I could stay with them while I regrouped.

    Copa, you gave your son that by telling him he could have a place to stay.

    M is right. You've made the offer. He has your number. Leave the ball in his court and let it go for now. :hugs:
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  20. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Some just prefer to be homeless. Puzzling though it is to us, maybe it means freedom to them...from us, our rules, from lifes expectations. Some dont care about material comforts if it means expectations.
    Sorry. Will back off now. But this was bubbling inside of me. Not just for your son but for many sons and daughters here who choose nonconventional lives that WE would hate. The message was not specific to any one person.

    Carry on.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List