Scent of Cedar * said: ↑
So...were there times when he was a child when money bought him access to some quality-of-life thing you felt he needed?
I'm not sure what you mean. Everything costs
money and the fact is, he didn't want for anything
It's the sense of entitlement behind what your son wrote, Lil. Somewhere in his mind, this statement is fully justified. He is writing to you and so, the statement is tailor-made to elicit a particular response in you. That is why I told the story about how our difficult child daughter justified her position to husband.
difficult child daughter's conversation was tailored to what she knew about the way her father loves her and how that works. It's like the levers to his wallet, to his attention, to his protectiveness, were obvious to her. Because I don't have those same underlying issues husband does, difficult child daughter has not used that exact technique on me. She has undoubtedly used others but, because those keys are wrapped up in the way I love her, I can't see them, anymore than husband could see what was happening that day at the mechanic's.
Your son may not be doing that same thing, but the conversation he chose to have with you makes no objective sense without a detailed understanding of how the way you love him works.
To me, it looks that way.
I am wondering whether, if you could understand the meaning under the words your son used, if this might be a key to how your difficult child is thinking about or justifying his situation and actions to himself. If you could figure out how he believes happiness for him is supposed to look, then maybe you could reach that place in him where something is telling him what he is doing is okay.
And change it.
Maybe.
It's like he is saying, "I could be happy, I am someone who should be happy. To me, happy is when I can use (your) car and have pocket money (from you) and friends (you don't like). And yet, this is a person provided with role models for the development of a good work ethic, a person whose parents work very hard, and have always worked very hard. I know you love to cook, so I know the home fires are burning clear and bright at your and Jabber's house. I know Jabber posted something about how he would respond if his sister were treated a certain way.
So I know a little about how life and decency and male protectiveness were presented to your difficult child, too.
Given these things that I think I know about his upbringing, your difficult child's justifications for what he is doing are totally off the wall
and yet, he thinks they will work, he thinks he has said something of value, some explanatory thing.
Somehow, at least in the way I am interpreting the tone in his message, he seems to believe this idea of having access to a car (not providing his own car) and pocket money (again, not his own money) is the criteria for success.
Yet, the family dynamic revolves around independence and family values.
That's what I meant.
It seems to me there is a key here.
Cedar
You definitely need to learn everything about the stealing from WalMart. For your own understanding of how your son tells the truth.
I would want to know those things. I never, ever, believe my kids were wrong. Those times when things were undeniably wrong develop a kind of mist over time. That is why you need to know, I think.
